Diary of an Expat in Singapore (33 page)

The expat rarely masters the art of eating with chopsticks. The reason for this is his having mastered the fork. In his imaginary war between chopsticks and forks, the fork wins hands down. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t glow with pride when his child eats with chopsticks. Suddenly, it was all worth it. Moving the family halfway across the world to a foreign land far from family and friends… my child is eating with chopsticks.

Black-and-white houses

A bit of England in the tropics, Singapore’s colonial houses are not easy to get. Which is why posh expats need to have them. These houses are the most elegant relics of Singapore’s colonial past. Commissioned by wealthy expat families seeking comfort in the tropics and built with locally sourced materials, the design relies on Malay architecture, using brick pillars to elevate the house from the ground, allowing cool air to circulate and giving protection against floods. Back then, verandahs and rattan blinds were the only relief from the tropical heat (this was before air con).

Organizing fundraiser galas

Posh expats are either organizing fundraiser galas or attending them. Either way they are spending money, drinking champagne, and dressing up in Shantung silk. And no, that’s not me being bitter because I wasn’t invited.

Building houses in Cambodia

Nothing will make you feel guiltier about the weekend you just booked at a resort than hearing your friend is building houses in Cambodia. Yes, building. As in bricks and mortar. You couldn’t just mail a check like the rest of us? Not to mention, some of those villagers can get pretty fussy, requesting wraparound teak decks and Toto toilets… but seriously, how shallow am I to even joke about this? Very. Damn those posh expats.

Bringing their kids to Lapland to see Santa

You may have heard of Lapland. It’s where Santa and his elves live and make toys in their workshop. It’s where the reindeer prance around waiting for their yearly journey to visit children around the world on Christmas Eve. It’s just a short flight away… from Helsinki! As in Helsinki, Finland, a 19-hour journey from Singapore. Super convenient to get to. There are additional car rides through winding roads which need to be factored in, but I didn’t do much research… the price tag was incredibly off-putting. “Kids, the only Santa you’ll be seeing is the one at Tanglin Mall.” No denying it is a once-in-a-lifetime experience (as in you’ll be spending your lifetime savings just the once).

Renting private islands

No need to be Richard Branson or Mick Jagger, if you’re a posh expat in Singapore, you too can feel the unique exhilaration that comes from owning your own private island. Just look in the Yellow Pages.

Renovating rustic farmhouses in Tuscany

Who wouldn’t want to renovate a house? Contractors and builders are so delightful… especially when they are miles away and speak a foreign language. Fun times ahead. Don’t be surprised when they present you with an estimate which is so outlandish they smile sheepishly as they hand it to you. But you always dreamed of having a retirement house in the beautiful Florentine hills. And the baguettes… what’s that you say? They sell baguettes at Cold Storage now?

Installing cable TV in the maid’s room

Posh expats constantly try to outdo each other when it comes to how they treat the help. Travelling first class? Check. Michael Bublé concert? Check. Cable TV? Of course, how else are they going to see singing competition shows? Heartfelt generosity or merely the wish to win Best Employer of the Month (now there’s an idea, MOM)? Who cares? Possibly the newly hired Indonesian helper requesting an iPad mini: “It will help me with the dusting, ma’am.”

Travelling to Myanmar

A remote and challenging location where the local word for tourist is now
posh expat
. Not really, but with the recent surge in luxury hotels, that’s a distinct possibility.

Swimming with dolphins in Dubai