Diary of an Expat in Singapore (34 page)

So what if it involves a plane ride? Just think of the photo opportunities that real live dolphins and camels in the desert can provide. Newsflash: The Singaporean aquarium just got dolphins of its own. I have a feeling flights to Dubai will decline. Although: having visited this Arabic gem in the middle of the desert, I have to say it’s a pretty interesting place. Here are just a few of the things I learned:

a. Petrol is cheaper than water. Literally.

b. Water is very expensive.

c. Dubai is not the capital of the UAE. Abu Dhabi is.

d. The specialty in Dubai is bread. For those coming from Asia, the absence of rice may come as a refreshing surprise… or shock.

e. Chinatown is a mall.

f. Bus stops along the streets have air conditioning.

g. There are pink taxis driven by women that only pick up women (especially good if you’re having a bad hair day). Women can also take the taxis driven by men, hence it’s the men who actually have less choice.

h. High-speed sand driving on desert dunes… not for everybody.

i. There is a souk (Arab marketplace) that is actually an exact replica of what you think a souk would be like. It’s not ironic.

In Dubai, there is the biggest mall in the world, the highest building in the world, the largest aquarium in the world… the list goes on. It’s almost as though the urban planners get together once a week, hopped up on coffee, check out the Guinness Book of Records, and say: “You know what would be cool? The biggest… (fill in the blank).” It’s an architect’s dream location. So, if you are an aspiring architect who loves olives, hummus, camel rides, and swimming with dolphins… this is the place for you.

Small tip: Fly Emirates, the tiny cans with Coke written in Arabic make great souvenirs for the kids.

A plus size here is a petite size elsewhere.

Curious fact until you realize you’re the plus size they are referring to. And you can forget about finding large-size lingerie. And when I say large size I’m really referring to anything bigger than what a 12-year-old boy would wear. And expats shouldn’t be surprised by the extremely candid attitude of the sales people as they instruct you on where to go: “Plus size is downstairs.” Secretly thinking: move it, fatty.

Honesty is so overrated.

It is perfectly acceptable in Singapore for university students to enter the classroom and announce: “Sorry I was absent, Prof, but I had diarrhoea.” I repeat,
university
students, not
kindergarten
students. I understand it’s the tropics and that this is potentially a life-threatening condition and not just the consequence of dodgy food, but still… thanks for sharing. Or for a hairdresser to casually comment: “I see you’ve put on weight.” Or, if you haven’t been to the salon for a while: “Long time not beautiful already.” Thanks, lady, but if I wanted honesty I’d just ask my son.

It may not be ‘Out of Africa’, but my daughter is definitely having a tropical childhood.

I was surprised last night when Eliot off handedly mentioned she had been told to not drink from the water fountain outside the girls’ bathroom at her school because there might be a tiny cobra in there. “We have to use the boys’ one… just in case.” Huh?! This from the girl who is afraid of ants. I’m thinking she’s not clear on what a cobra is. I’m also thinking I don’t want to be the one who tells her.

It seems fitting somehow that I am reading a memoir about an African childhood. Maybe Eliot will one day write her memoir about growing up on the tropical island of Singapore. And of her fear of crocodiles (she can’t even write the word for a spelling test without shuddering). I feel kind of guilty about that. When she was five, her favourite bedtime story was ‘The Enormous Crocodile’ by Roald Dahl. It’s a children’s story but the illustrations of a crocodile disguising himself as a park bench or a see-saw for unsuspecting children are amusing in a disturbing way. That reading choice made over two years ago may be the reason she still occasionally comes into my bed at 2 am, reasoning: “I know crocodiles are in swamps but they could still crawl to our house because they do like children. And we have a lift.”

Singapore sounds more exotic than it is.

I say this especially from an expat point of view. If you’re looking for something more hardcore, head on over to Szechuan province in China. That’s not to say there aren’t strong Chinese traditions. Stay away from the number 4, which symbolizes death, lay out plenty of food on the sidewalk during the Hungry Ghost Festival, and set out peeled mandarin oranges during the lion dance at Chinese New Year. The list goes on and on. If you spend all your time at malls, you’ll miss this cultural aspect of the city. On the plus side, you’re less likely to slip on an orange peel.

Architecture is in a constant state of flux.

If you don’t like the external design of a recently built condo or mall, no worries. Chances are it will be knocked down and completely rebuilt within a year. Six months if you live on Newton Road. Biggest pro: construction industry is thriving. Biggest con: you’ll wish you were deaf.

‘D
OWNTON
A
BBEY
’ is a popular British TV drama set in a country estate, featuring an aristocratic family and their servants in the post-Edwardian era. It seems only natural to wonder: what if the show were set in Singapore?

Lady Cora Grantham would be wearing Prada.

Singapore… shopping capital of the world. Ladies like to shop and the most expensive labels in the world can be found on one short strip along Orchard Road. But unlike say, Via Montenapoleone in Milan, where the shops and boutiques are found along a main pedestrian street, here they are inside elegant air-conditioned malls. There are cafes and restaurants, and in the basement the wonderful, ubiquitous food courts. Where else can you spot ladies with Prada handbags eating $5 chicken rice?

Matthew Crawley would drive a Ferrari.