Diary of an Expat in Singapore (41 page)

Where else can you do that? If bird’s nest extract has beneficial properties when you drink it, why not spread it all over your face?

It’s open every day.

Except for Chinese New Year, which usually falls at the end of January. In fact, most restaurants, food stalls, hairdressers, and schools are closed. Expect mountains of mandarins, plenty of red and gold (auspicious colours), hanging salted poultry (the way meat was preserved before refrigeration), and characters symbolizing good luck in the lead-up to the big day.

Ninja aunties who cut queues

Forget Navy Seals and Green Berets, if the CIA wants to catch terrorists in a timely fashion, it should start using this local stealth force. Experts in speed and cunning, Singaporean aunties can be found primarily at grocery stores, on school buses, or serving as casual vigilantes on playgrounds.

Surprise rainstorms

It is 100% guaranteed that there will be a torrential downpour the minute you finish hanging your laundry outside. The natural corollary to this is that you’d have to be a freakishly optimistic kind of person to hang out laundry in the first place. Don’t feel badly, that bright shining sun would have fooled anybody. You just shouldn’t have gotten distracted while your clothes were outside.

Mould

Here in Singapore, even the mould has mould. Prepare to spend hours researching the topic. You might surprisingly become the condo resident expert on mould and on how to get rid of it. Your parents may have envisioned you one day accepting a Nobel Prize: “I would like to thank the committee…” Instead, you are indicated as the go-to mould person on your building communication board. Dream big.

Crazy drivers

If you think the drivers in Singapore are crazy, you’d better not drive in Italy. And definitely do not venture south of Florence. You might want to rethink that car rental you were planning on getting this summer. In Naples, following traffic lights is optional and pedestrians cross quickly whether it’s green or red. I say this as a non-driver… a scared one.

Perfume is not advisable

One word: mosquitoes. I am a perfume person. Singapore is not the best place to indulge in this passion. It can have consequences. On the plus side, if the weekly mosquito fogging doesn’t kill you with its toxic fumes, it can work as an ad hoc scent. Granted it’s an acquired taste but at least the mosquitoes don’t like it.

Speed of construction work

Every summer trip to Europe, it seems the same two buildings are still being built. Frankfurt Airport? Yes, you. Enough already with that extension you’ve been adding for the last four years. Just ship the entire thing to Singapore. They’ll finish it in a fortnight and ship it back.

Bubble tea

What exactly is bubble tea? What are those multicoloured ball-shaped things at the bottom of the cup? And more importantly, can they choke you if you accidentally suck one up your straw?

Soup is not just soup here. It’s a drink.

Coke? Water? Wine? No, thanks, I’ll just have a bowl of soup with my meal. Sure, it’s healthy, but can you carry a bottle of soup on a long hike? Or to the gym? I don’t think so.

Beijing here: “Who’s laughing now?”