Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission (27 page)

Infantilism is a deep-seated psychological need that arises usually at a very early age, possibly for two reasons. One is that [infantilists have] the feeling of not getting loved enough when they’re very young; the other is not being able to express the softer sides of themselves. [Infantilism] becomes a very strong drive, so strong that there’s no way of getting rid of it. But there’s no reason to get rid of it, because it is not harmful. It lets a person fantasize and/or share with other people—lovers, spouses, friends.

There’s a psychological theory that if you didn’t complete all of the [childhood] stages, there’s a deficit [that] you never fully outgrow. You’re always trying to fill it. The causes of not being understood for the person you are—basically the definition of a dysfunctional family—has many other results. People become drug addicts or alcoholics; they become very unhappy. I think that infantilism, though it may sound strange or weird to a lot of people, is probably the least harmful way of coping as long as you don’t let it dominate your life. If you can put it in a place where you use it to help you feel good about yourself, get some happiness and satisfaction, and [if] it doesn’t interfere with your ability to function in your job, with your spouse, with your children, then it’s a satisfactory way of meeting a psychological need.

The Diaper Pail Fraternity (DPF) was founded in 1980. Being an infantilist and having made some friends through personal ads, I decided to form a little newsletter. What started out as a newsletter shared by a few friends continued to grow over the years. [Today] it’s got over 2000 members. I should qualify: Not all members are current. At any [given] time there are about 1000 actively listed members and 1000 temporarily inactive members. We’re about two-thirds straight and one-third gay. [This is] a little heavier than the average on gay, because we were originally a gay organization.

Upwards of 95 percent [of our members] are male. This is gradually changing. We’re beginning to attract more and more women. Because of the [limited] number of women we have at the present time, it’s hard to be sure why women are attracted to DPF. They appear to be primarily infantilists themselves. A fair percentage of the dominant women that we’re getting are professional; a few are the wives of infantilists. One thing I do see is that, because of increasing publicity and education, male and female infantilists are
beginning to come out of the closet and to know that there are others. And if they meet, there’s a chance of forming a relationship. We have that happen. [Members] get married, find lovers.

Besides the newsletter, DPF tries to distribute, manufacture—or have others manufacture—things of interest to the members, [such as] stories, videotapes, audiotapes, [or] resource directories to locate products. We also have an extensive list of products for infantilists, such as adult-sized diapers, plastic pants, [and] baby clothes.

I have 144 people who I track in a data base. I’m pretty sure this is representative: 13 percent report an interest in S&M; 49 percent gave a general interest in punishment and discipline; 49 people, or 34 percent are interested in enemas; 26 percent like cross-dressing—the cross-dressers are primarily straight people. Spankers make up 48 percent. We also have 29 percent who like a little bondage—being tied to a crib so you can’t get out or having a pacifier tied into your mouth.

The great majority of [members] want to take the baby or child role. If they really feel free and start making friends, then they’re going to have to be daddies because there aren’t that many dominant women in the club. So they will switch and diaper each other at different times. It’s a trade-off: Somebody’s sacrificing a bit, but [he’s] doing it because he knows he will get something in return. The great majority of the heterosexuals—probably 90 percent—want to be the baby. They have a tough time because there are so few mommies. For the homosexuals, it’s a little easier, because approximately one third of the homosexual members say that they will be dominant at times. And 15 percent to 20 percent are primarily dominant [and] like being the daddy.

The biggest social challenges infantilists face are, first, that they’re hidden. Those still in the closet are very unhappy people; they don’t know that there are others out there. They think that they’re really crazy. The majority of them aren’t so unhappy that they’re suicidal, but they’re thrilled when they find out that there are other people. A fairly good portion of married men are afraid to tell their wives. Or they’ve brought the subject up and were rejected. [They] try to tell their wife, and [she] can’t deal with it [and] makes comments like, “I married a man, not a baby.” Second, they feel that nobody understands them. They are afraid that the general public will think that they want to involve children and are pedophiles. Many people are afraid to use their real names when they list in the roster because they fear that somehow they’ll be found out—that coworkers will find out that they wear diapers at home. This would be a terrible, humiliating, or even threatening thing; [they worry] they might lose their job.

I’ve experienced many times the desire to just take everything I have and throw it out and tell myself I’m not going to be involved, very much like you hear from people involved in cross-dressing. The urge doesn’t go away, but I’ve learned to do things in balance so that I don’t ever desperately feel like I’ve been denying myself. I know [that] if I don’t do [it] for myself, I’m not going to be happy. So it’s a drive. [It’s] something I need. It’s a fairly constant part of my life.

I come from a family that openly discussed medical and sexual issues. I was the youngest child. My mother would catch evidence of my involvement in [infantilism]. She sat me down when I was 12 years old to explain that she didn’t want me to do these things because the only people who did were homosexual perverts.

As a boy, I would steal safety pins or old diapers from the rag pile. When they were no longer available I would use whatever absorbent cloth was practical. I really enjoyed playing with toys that were much too young for me—stuffed animals, rattles, teething rings. I would set up in a corner and regress. By my age [35], you can see [that] this was the era of cloth, not disposable, diapers. There’s a split in interest that goes down generational lines. I’m seeing more and more preferences for cloth over disposable or vice versa. Then you have the enthusiasts who are very interested in rubber, because there was a time when baby garments [were changed from] rubber to plastic.

I’m somewhat bisexual. With the right person, gender doesn’t matter. We’ve all been brought up with certain conceptions about gender. They’re very difficult to get past. Through my teenage years I was struggling with [that] more than the infantilism. I struggled with my sexual identity, my sexual preference. I had the support of siblings, but there was secrecy and gameplaying. I was already fairly good at trying to hide my practice of infantilism.

One of the things that stuck with me through most of my adolescent years was my mother’s voice reminding me that there were others out there. I filed that little piece of information away. I found references to an infantilist organization called the Diaper Pail Fraternity in
Drummer
. Looking through their ads [and] through the
Berkeley Barb
, I discovered that there were people out there, but I didn’t contact any for a number of years.

When I was about 28, [I was] doing research for a book on [electronic] bulletin boards. I found references to the interest. The first real positive contact I made was through local BBS’s; one regular writer recommended I try CompuServe. I did and found out that DPF was just normal folks. I joined.

I was invited to a party and housewarming at the home of Tommy, who runs DPF. That was the first time I [met] a large number of infantilists all at once. I had never seen these people face to face and wasn’t sure if, for all the talk, anyone else actually dared to go so far as to wear diapers or drink from bottles. Maybe they just all talked about it, and I would go wearing a diaper under my clothes and find myself terribly embarrassed that no one else did! First thing I saw when I arrived was someone with a huge wet spot in front being scolded. That relaxed me a little bit. The host of the party was an especially good host. He took me in and changed me and insisted upon using his supplies. A number of people had shed their pants and were walking around in diapers; the conversation was like [that of] any normal party. There was a little [talk] about the interest here and there, but people were drinking beer and eating snacks, and some were in the hot tub. It was a very nice setting.

Through all of this, Tommy kept making sure I always had something to drink. I couldn’t quite figure out why. Later I was in the living room, sitting and talking to people, and all of a sudden [I] heard [a] little music—like a watch alarm that plays “Yankee Doodle.” I’m looking in the sofa cushions, trying to figure out where the sound is coming from. Everyone else in the room is staring in my direction. Tommy came over and took me by the arm and said, “Aha! I think this baby needs changing.” He had thrown [a] musical diaper alarm inside my diaper—a little sensor that plays music when it gets wet. So there I was, amid 30 people [and] turning beet red. It was a pretty good experience.

I get to know the people on-line or through letter writing or phone calls quite a bit before [meeting]. If there aren’t [also] noninfantilist and nonsexual common interests, I don’t follow through. If we both happen to be interested in computers or in hiking, it gives [the relationship] a chance. Otherwise … the word I want to use is “cheapened,” but that’s not [quite] right. Let’s say it has less potential.

One experience that definitely sticks out occurred when I was being parent for one friend for a week. There’s a lot of activity in supporting someone; it gets tiring. At one point I said, “Look, I’m just too tired. Take care of yourself and put yourself down for a nap. I need to lay down!” I went and lay down. The next thing I knew, he brought me a blanket and a bottle and started to cradle me in [his] arms. He held me like a six-month-old, gently swayed and rocked me, and said, “It’s okay,” stroking my head and my hair, cuddling. The next thing I remember is waking up and looking up to see him still staring down at me and smiling. [I felt] very relaxed and very blissful.

There are a lot of people out there, I’m sure, who are happily doing
parts of this in their regular relationship [and] who have no need to express it outside their own relationship. I was involved in a relationship with one particularly interesting woman for a couple of years. Ninety percent of the time or more [she] would be the nurturer. One of her favorite scenes was to [catch] me wetting my pants, spank me, put me in diapers, scold me, and tell me I shouldn’t be given an opportunity to grow up. Often in the middle of the change she would molest me and take advantage of me and want me to be passive. Which was a lot of fun! Mommy taking advantage of me. Fun! I found it a good experience. [Unfortunately] there were other things in the relationship that were incompatible, so it didn’t last.

One of the big issues that comes up is how to do those things yet keep it secret from others. The fear of other people discovering and ridiculing you is strong. I still have a lot of that. My parents and relatives, and friends not involved in this interest, visit quite frequently, and it’s difficult. I don’t have people casually dropping in. I also find that I’m spending more and more time with friends who are involved in [this] or who are understanding.

There aren’t that many support areas for this. That partly accounts for my commitment to running the
Adult Babies
section. The biggest message [that] I hope comes across to readers is what comes up in letters I receive all the time.
You should know you’re not alone
.

I’m heterosexual and an infantilist: I like to be treated as a baby or small child, and [be] taken care of by my significant other. I prefer a female caretaker, but more important than the traditional sexual issues is the form of the caretaking—that is [my] primary concern. I would never consider dating a man, but I’ve had male nurse’s aides, and although I was uncomfortable at first, I found that if the person is a good caretaker, [the gender] didn’t bother me. I have MS, and I’m in a wheelchair. Sometimes people assume [that] if you’re in a wheelchair you’re stupid. I’ve had a few instances where people have talked to me like I was a baby or a child—people I didn’t know, cashiers at checkout counters.

I’m not interested in S&M, but dominance and submission is built into infantilism. The submissive is a nonresponsible person submitting to the authority of an adult figure. A lot of infantilists—and I have to include myself—are pretty dominant about how they’re submissively treated. But within the relationship itself they are told what to do with or without any feedback from them at all.

[When] living at home, I was in a supervised environment. I could hardly go out and [get] diapers. I would be terrified to death that I would
be caught and [that] my parents would freak out. Then I was in the service for two years. I lived on the post, and we had periodic inspections. Most of my off-post activities were concerned with fantasy roleplaying games and war simulation, so I was at a friend’s house or the recreation center most weekends. I suppose I could have done something, but it wasn’t that strong a drive [then]. I wavered, thinking it’d be neat, then, Oh, man, that’s silly. When I came back from the Army, I was immediately in college. I had a bit more opportunity but never a reason to do it.