Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission (25 page)

Daddy-boy also enhances the self-esteem of the daddy who derives considerable pleasure from exerting a positive, loving influence over a trusting partner.

Some couples enjoy thinking of the boy as in his early 20s rather than his teens. And a daddy is not always older than his boy, although an age gap is not unusual.

Although daddies are masters in leather romances, the master may periodically order the boy to dominate him.

In lesbian daddy-boy relationships, both partners interact as psychological males. The dynamic is of a character similar to daddy-boy among biological males.

Partly because lesbian daddy-boy relationships propose a fundamentally man-to-man rather than woman-to-woman approach, some couples find themselves under fierce scrutiny and political attack from non-leather lesbians.

The emotional intimacy and bonding of gay daddy-boy relationships has also influenced heterosexual and bisexual D&Sers. Female-to-male cross-dressers too may seek mentors.

Finally, according to anecdotal information from interviewees, some straight dominant women have begun to roleplay as daddies to their male submissives.

I
NTERVIEW

I have been involved in the leather lifestyle for seven years. I make no secret of my sexual preference, although I am not very blatant about my leather side. I have a picture of me in full leather on my desk at work. It’s a part of me and I’m quite proud of it. It helped me get through a very nasty time when I had a major alcohol problem; my leather friends helped me get out of that hole.

I am a recovering alcoholic. I can discuss the fact that I’m gay in an AA meeting; however, if you bring up the subject of leather sex, a lot of people freak out. My first year, I didn’t talk about leather sex. [It] was very disturbing because I was hiding a part of myself. I did not like that. I then had the good fortune to go to National Leather Association’s Living in Leather conference and was relieved. I could talk about sex [and] the fact that I am an alcoholic in the same room!

When I was young, and listening to religious [stuff] about sins, [being gay] bothered me. But then I thought, What am I going to do? That’s the way I am, and I don’t feel like changing for anybody. When the leather interest came into being, the same attitude applied: It’s just the way I am, and I have no intention of changing.
I
think my higher power exists, because it makes me
me
. I knew I was gay first; [as for leather], I became friends with someone I’m still very close to. He spotted my tendencies before I did and, in a very loving way, slowly groomed me. It was 8½ years ago. I was a college student and a black preppie.

When I was growing up, I never associated with kids my own age. I was always with people older than me. I don’t know if it’s that I instinctively go to people older than me because I don’t relate with my own age, or whether I have been replacing the daddy that I never had.
I rarely
get involved with anyone my age or younger. There has always been at least a 10-year span between me and my partner.

A daddy-son scene for me has always been [with] a man who has taken a parental role where he is, say, telling me the facts of life—not in terms of the birds and the bees, but in terms of how to please a person, how to get to know someone better, and sharing. We act [this] out. In the courting stage I may play dumb, like a kid who needs a loving, helping hand. Would I continue that 24 hours a day? No way in hell! What happens in the bedroom is the bedroom; outside, we’re two people [who] sleep together.

In juvenilist fantasies the submissive partner projects the persona of a child—usually between the ages of six and 12. There is a fairly typical pattern to juvenilist scenarios: First, an emotional drama precipitated by the dominant’s discovery of the submissive’s childish mischief or disobedience. The dominant, a stern but ultimately sympathetic figure, then decides on and inflicts an appropriate punishment. Finally, there is resolution and catharsis when the “naughty child” is forgiven and reassured he or she is loved. Partners rarely continue their roles once the scenario is complete.

Although discipline—particularly spanking—is a component of nearly all juvenilist fantasies, the punishment may take a variety of forms. For example, a “baby-sitter” may tell the submissive to stand in a corner for a period of time, or there may be lengthy scolding. Humiliation is a key component in many juvenilist fantasies, but care is taken not to undermine the submissive’s self-esteem. Instead, the dominant is likely to suggest that the submissive was naughty in a playful context and that a particular punishment will restore the rascal to grace.

The parent figure may ask embarrassing questions about the submissive’s personal or sexual habits. By stripping away the submissive’s privacy, the dominant exposes not only the submissive’s body but also her inner nakedness and vulnerability. In some juvenilist scenarios the dominant role-plays as the erotic guide.

Each aspect of a juvenilist scenario may be laden with erotic meaning: the austerity of the dominant’s demeanor, the precise orders issued. Punishment implements also possess a singular mystique: In English discipline, for example, the emotional impact of the cane rivals its physical sensation in sensuality. Or a submissive may feel blissfully chastened when erotically coerced to wear a tight petticoat or little girl’s attire. Such details may have a critical place in the erotic hierarchy of the submissive; without them, his satisfaction is incomplete.

I
NTERVIEW

[I am a] dominant. I’ve been butch all my life. [As far back as] I can remember I was cross-dressing and doing boy stuff and hanging out with boys. When I became gay, it was natural for me to fall into the pattern of being butch. I think lesbians tend to get into platonic relationships where one person may [be] more together [or] may even be older. There will be a mother-daughter thing going on, but they don’t call it that, [and] they don’t play at it. A lot of lesbians tend to get together and be sexual and then [change]. After a couple of years, there is [a] platonic relationship; women may stay together for years and not have much sexual interaction. They may cuddle, they may touch each other, but it’s not really get-down-get-dirty sex.

I was in a 12-year, live-in relationship, and there’s just too much stuff you have to hash out afterwards [when it ends]. I haven’t lived with any of my lovers since then. In my live-in relationship, my partner had a daughter. I went into that relationship when I was 18; I was pretty much a kid myself. Being an only child, I didn’t have any siblings [that I had] to share with, so I was a pretty selfish kid, too. My relationship with that child was not maternal. Now I’m more of a mature woman. I know what it is to love and care for a child and [to] feel maternal instincts. [Daddy-girl and daddy-boy] feed into that. I have a lot more worldly experience [which] I can share and teach and be nurturing.

[Although] a daddy’s girl is more of a turn-on to me than a boy, the biggest turn-on was teaching and having one boy look to me for support, for information, for love, and thinking of me as sexually knowledgeable. With daddy’s boy, it’s nurturing. One woman I was involved with was daddy’s boy: She would learn the butch stuff; we would go out and cruise women together.