Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission (42 page)

The first night I went there, I met someone. He became my master, and we stayed together for the better part of a year. Unfortunately, he was into heavy corporal punishment, and I’m not. As he became increasingly severe, I was forced to pull away from him. I learned a tremendous amount from him about proper behavior and dress and the Scene in general. He spent a month and a half picking my brain constantly, trying to understand psychologically the right buttons to push. He was very wary about corporal punishment at first, knowing that it was something that would remind me of my youth. We’d only see each other a couple of times a week, but even in his absence I remained enslaved. His presence, his personal strength, his confidence, were great enough that I really felt that I was his slave. I felt very joyous about it for many months.

I learned that you might be able to hit me with a whip pretty hard, but
if you hit me with a paddle or a hairbrush with the same amount of force, I can’t take that very well. I learned that everyone has their strengths and weaknesses. I seemed to be able to take clamping more than most people. Not only can I take multiple clamps on my nipples, [but] I can take them on my pussy. I can also take a clamp on my clit if it’s done properly. That was a talent that my master definitely capitalized on.

Probably one of the most exciting things I’ve ever done includes what I call a predicament. I like to be in predicaments. In [one] scene I was on a recliner with my hands up and over the back of the chair, which had been pushed back so that my legs would be elevated. My hands were secured so that they could remain comfortably over the back of the chair, and my legs were tied open. We were able to secure my legs open and then [put] postal straps around the top of my thighs. Photographic clips were secured to the postal straps after being attached to the outer labia, and [those] held my pussy open. He had clamps on my nipples, which were held out and up with a certain amount of tension on them. Then he used to like to eat my pussy until he could get my clitoris to become very enlarged. He did something that has never been done since, but I certainly fantasize about it: He got my clitoris so swollen that he was able to get a clamp at the base of the clitoris. He said, “Look at that! It looks exactly like a miniature penis.” And it did. It really flipped me out.

So he had me all strung up, and he pulled up on the clit clamp. For me to be comfortable, I had to pick my hips up just a touch. I had to tense in order to keep the clit clamp from being painful. And then he tried to fist-fuck me, which is something I hadn’t done. He wasn’t able to get his fist in there, but he got enough of his hand in there to concern me. He produced this predicament where, in order for me not to pull too hard on the clamp, I had to raise my hips up, but in order to be able to pull away from his hand, I had to push my hips down. It was a losing battle, because, either way, there was something going on that I wanted to pull away from. I’m getting wet just talking about it. That was probably the most exciting scene I’ve ever done.

One of the reasons I was attracted to my current master is because he practices [Japanese] bondage, which has always been my very favorite form of activity. That’s a very intricate, interwoven bondage all around the body. He wraps the ropes through my pussy over and over and over again. I have very large tits, and that’s one of the reasons he likes me: He’ll wrap my tits up. With the bondage, they become bigger; the skin becomes tauter and more sensitive. I really love bondage.

One of the things that I learned when I became serious about S&M was that there are rules. The serious people are all wedded to certain universal laws that have been spelled out. A common problem is that people not in the
Scene—and newcomers to the Scene—don’t understand the difference between fantasy and reality. What astonishes me is how many people seem unaware of the rules or insist that S&M is breaking the rules to begin with. When people say that, at a club meeting or a party, the rest of the gathering will look at them with fire in their eyes. The rules of etiquette are very important to most people.

I’ve always viewed sexuality and life as a series of options. There are lots of possible paths that I can take. There are things that I enjoy about taking someone and putting them into a state of absolute ecstasy. There’s a lot of joy that can come out of taking someone and leading them on that kind of journey. Sex as play is one of the most liberating concepts that’s ever entered my life—the idea that you can play fantasy games with someone else and that you can take enjoyment in sex purely for its own sake, or that you can really work the dynamic that comes out of exchanging power.

I haven’t always considered myself a sexual explorer. I was a hacker in high school and college, and that put me on the social fringe. I didn’t have my first intimate relationship until fairly recently. I gained erotic knowledge by playing with myself. Bondage became a central part of my erotic self-play because I found that orgasm’s greatly enhanced when I’m tied up. In college I knew what I liked, and I knew there were people who liked what I did, but it’s only been since I’ve found a community of people who understand these things and who know the beautiful places that you can get to that I’ve become more comfortable and able to explore.

There’s a very wise man I know named Fakir Musafar who led a workshop in which he discussed how placing tight bands around your arms and waist and legs and simply wearing them for a period of days or weeks changes the way you view the world. Last year I took his workshop on ecstatic shamanism. It was an investigation of the various sorts of rites common in India and in Native America. Other cultures have used the body to experience states of existence and have used transsexuality to have mythic voyages. That I found to be a very powerful thing! A lot of the bondage and flagellation techniques that people in the Scene use have been practiced for centuries. Convening people and having a focused and centered ceremony with the sole intent of gathering and capturing that essential sexual and spiritual energy—and working on it, writhing all over it, actually heightening everybody’s awareness—is something that’s made its way deeply into my concept of myself and my sexuality. Along with D&S and bondage, there’s a magic that I have a higher respect for now. There are a lot of primal places that you can go. You need to take care in visiting those places, but the people
I’ve been meeting and the activities I enjoy are transforming my concept of myself as a spiritual being.

One top opened doors for me in many ways. He was the first man with whom I had any kind of intimate contact. I never saw any reason why I should consider myself restricted to having only male lovers or only female lovers. I thought that it would be cutting off part of myself to limit myself like that. But it was all abstract theory until I met him. One distinct memory I have is once when we had been playing for hours. I was sort of tired and getting a bit disconnected. He sensed it, because a real good top knows what you need before you have to say it. He had a sling, a leather hammock that you can lie back in and spread your legs wide apart, that folds out from the wall. It allows the bottom to rock back and forth and feel like he’s floating and weightless, and it allows the top full access to everything the top may want access to. He told me that he was going to put me in the sling. He put cuffs on my wrists and ankles; the tactile stimulus of those bands of leather going around my limbs was enough to send me into a very deep state. I was lost in the sensation of what was happening. I should mention also that I was cross-dressed in corset and stockings, which was central in bringing out the androgynous parts of myself. He rocked me back and tied me so my legs were widely separated. Then he wrapped straps around my thighs and buckled them tightly. I didn’t feel like I was a male anymore. I was so turned on that I just started rocking back and forth and moaning incoherently.

He started licking me around my ass and around my balls. I actually started to leak fluids from my ass, almost like orgasm fluid. And I felt like I had a cunt. I felt like I was open and that my cock was this fantastically swollen clitoris. I was thrashing around and rubbing myself against his face and completely lost in a frenzy of sex. He put a dildo in my ass and started slowly fucking me with it and started beating my cock. I had what I can only think of as a sort of female orgasm. It was unlike any other orgasm that I’ve ever had in my life: It was a flood of light that spread out from my genitals and filled my entire body. My fingers were coming!

I’d never experienced anything like that before or since. That was a voyage! That was something that took me to a place that I want to get back to! Now that I know that it’s there, I’m going to be doing a lot more exploring in that direction. It was absolutely fantastic!

I think of S/M as a highly evolved, very self-conscious sexuality. It’s being very much aware of the nature of the body and of the power of sex and the power of the erotic. That kind of intense knowledge, that in-depth understanding of sexuality, is one of the central attractions of S/M to me. It intensifies and enhances the love and the growth that can come out of a sexual relationship.

It’s easy to mistake S/M for something entirely different. At this point a lot of the understanding about S/M is what emerges from psychological studies that have been done on people in counseling. The sampling of people who have spoken out about S/M consists of the people who need help, as opposed to the many people who find S/M to be a healthy and happy and enlightening aspect of their being. What I want to say to people is, “Know your options. Know that it’s okay to think and feel whatever it is that you think and feel. Know that your fantasies are not evil. Know that your sexuality is you. Hiding your sexuality and denying it is one of the most harmful and destructive things that you can do to yourself.”

My parents don’t know about me and don’t accept this sexuality. If I had one thing to say to my parents, it would be that I love them and I’m glad they are my parents. I’m glad that they raised me in a way that taught me that hiding parts of yourself and cutting off one’s feelings is always wrong. I’m now living in a way that makes those teachings real. I’m trying to reach out to other people who may be hiding parts of themselves, and I’m trying to lead them to be happier and more joyous people. I hope my parents read this book and learn more about me and about what I do. I would really love it if someday they said, “We’re proud of you [for] speaking out, and we still love you.”

I have very little experience. As a matter of fact, I’m still a virgin. But as long as I can remember I’ve been attracted to D&S-type activities, even when I didn’t know what they were. I just haven’t found the right woman to go all the way with. There are some guys out there who are submissive, and their wives try, but you can tell they don’t enjoy it. I want to find someone who genuinely enjoys having me belong to her. I’ve enjoyed a few times that I’ve visited people and we’ve played, but I have never gone all the way with anybody. Up until the last few years the be-all and end-all of what I was doing was working. It’s just starting to dawn on me that I need to spend a little more time on my private life.

I am a heterosexual submissive. I’ve had a few little tiny dominant fantasies now and then but have never been interested in acting them out. When I first started getting to know a few other people in D&S, it seemed like most had had abusive childhoods or some family crisis or something that they felt explained why they were the way they were. I led the typical Midwestern kid’s life. It’s Mom and Dad—who married each other when my dad was in college and my mom was just out of high school and have stayed married since—and two kids and a house in the suburbs. Very normal,
white-bread: America’s image. Probably the unusual thing—but it seemed normal to me—was that sex was never discussed in our house.

I always had fantasies that dealt with bondage. That was a big thing, being restrained in some way. I know what they are now, but I didn’t really understand them as being sexual [when I was younger]. The first time that I got an idea that really registered was when I worked in a college office where the students ran everything. And somebody plastered a really weird cover of
Variations
magazine on the wall. I picked up a copy, and I said, “You know, these are not exactly my fantasies, but there are other people that not only share what I thought were these unusual interests, but they write about it.” There’s obviously a market for it. So I can’t be the only one. That’s when I started to understand what it was. But I was still very frightened that somebody would find out or that it would somehow affect me in some strange way.

My favorite activity is bondage. The stronger, the better. I haven’t had a whole lot of experience with it, but it has a mental attraction. I’m working on a relationship with somebody right now who seems to be very understanding. We’re both very certain that we’re not going to wind up living together, but we’re exploring to find out where else my interests go. They tend to be fairly strong bondage, fairly strong discipline, fairly strong whippings. But you don’t know what your limits are until you [reach them]. I think [limits are] one of the things that you have to develop in an ongoing relationship.

I wore my chastity belt [to a party at an S&M club in New York]. And for the first time I gave the keys to [a mistress]. At the club I watched one lady who had a lot of things done to her that I had fantasized about. She was bound fairly helplessly and stimulated in all kinds of different ways and then whipped a little bit and then stimulated some more. [My mistress] knew her, so after we left [the club], we stopped at a diner and had breakfast together. It was really neat. There had to be only one thing going on in her brain at the club: pure enjoyment. And then, a couple hours later, she might have been a little sore, but she was a very happy individual, very comfortable, very normal.

I spent the night and the next day [with this mistress]. I considered it a great privilege. She made no effort to release me from the chastity belt. We didn’t talk about it. I was beginning to realize and enjoy what it means—rather than fantasizing about being completely under the control of another individual—to really have it happen. That was probably the most satisfying thing.