Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission (45 page)

Spanking fetishists generally agree that only certain words should be used to refer to one’s posterior, and purists are fairly uncompromising in the belief that the colloquial use of
ass
is rude at the least and repugnant at most. (This rule does not necessarily apply to D&Sers.)

The term
bottom
is the hands-down favorite, but
fanny, behind, rear end, buns
, and
cheeks
follow closely. Also, keen interest is shown in phrases such as
rosy bottom, rosy cheeks
, and
blushing bottom
. Submissives generally relish being called
naughty
. Other choice words are:
arrogant, brat, sassy, saucy, disobedient, ungrateful, slut, greedy, reprobate
, and so on. In the case of allegedly misbehaving husbands,
errant
wins high marks. The use of profanity is widely frowned on as inappropriate, genuinely insulting, or offensive.

The importance that spanking enthusiasts place on linguistic refinement may reflect both the level of education and the religious or moral conservatism of many spankers. Verbal delicacy may also demonstrate that the authority is sincerely respectful of the submissive as an equal partner.

Since the goal of an erotic spanking is the mutual pleasure and satisfaction of both partners, participants discuss in advance their expectations, physical and psychological limits, and favorite fantasies. Those who do not wish to be marked may feel traumatized and abused—not to mention furious—to discover that a clumsy dominant has left bruises. Some spankers are uncomfortable with ageplay and may feel distraught if the fantasy exceeds their emotional limits.

Spankers typically show a remarkable ability to enter into and to exit roleplaying quickly and absolutely, and wish to return to an egalitarian relationship once the scenario has concluded. The same authority that has an erotic zing during a spanking can be profoundly uninteresting outside of a consensual, playful, and erotic context. Exceptions exist, but almost exclusively
among those who incorporate spanking into a larger power relationship and among the small minority of lifestyle spanking couples who remain in their roles at all times.

Gay spanking is a separate and distinct scene. Daddy-boy (or uncle-nephew) fantasy scenarios bear the greatest resemblance to the heterosexual spanking scene and involve many of the same rituals. But a significant percentage of gay spankers derives its customs from the military and fraternity traditions of hazing, and specifically paddling rituals.

Known among gay spankers—and less frequently among heterosexuals—is switch spanking, in which partners spank each other during a scenario. In these cases neither partner is necessarily dominant or submissive; instead, the spanking is a game of one-upmanship.

I
NTERVIEWS

[Spanking is] my profession. It’s my hobby. My closest associates and my best friends are all in the Scene. My partners are in the Scene. I met my boyfriend five years ago through a personal ad in a spanking publication. Everything that I do is related to [spanking]. I am a lifestyler completely and utterly. I have always been into [spanking] and nothing in the world could change it; it’s an integral part of me.

I like to be spanked, although I have given some spankings. I’m not particularly submissive. Spanking fits into D&S. One dominates [and] controls; one gives the spanking and one receives. But that’s not in somebody’s mind when they’re first beginning to relate to the idea of spanking. It starts in childhood, long before we know about anything sexually. I think when you’re a child, it’s almost a nameless-faceless thing. You can often initiate spanking games with playmates: I always did! By the time I got to junior high school, I was playing spanking games with my best girlfriends. We took turns being the dominant. We acted out an ongoing soap opera for years that always wound up with one of us getting spanked. The first time you have a boyfriend, you try to provoke him into spanking you. But it’s never the same as when you encounter somebody who’s really into it. The mind-set is different, and the excitement level is much higher.

I have, on my odyssey to get where I am, engaged in many D&S-type experiences involving submission, bondage, other forms of discipline and corporal punishment, corsetting, fetish apparel, rubber, leather, and high heels. I have witnessed many D&S sessions, because my best friend is a mistress, but I am primarily a spanking fetishist.

Spanking is an action fetish. A spanking person will become aroused merely by witnessing, hearing about, or talking about a spanking. If you see a spanking in an old movie, even though there isn’t any nudity in the scene—no sex whatsoever, only the spanking—that will be tremendously arousing. [Spanking] is a fetish because no other sexual things pertain at that moment. Most fetishes involve an object, but in spanking it’s the act in itself that is arousing. I [also] think it’s important to distinguish between D&S and spanking. One can be into spanking without knowing anything at all about D&S or S&M. Spanking is rather innocent. It often doesn’t involve any equipment [or] costumes—just two people engaging in the act.

I like to have things done to me, rather than serving. Most submissives
are characterized [as] serving others. I don’t agree. I think that most submissives enjoy having things done to them. It’s very confusing, because sometimes a master may require body service or want the slave on her knees giving him head, but in reality I think most submissives want to be passive and have the things done to them. By nature and by personality, I am very dominant. I don’t like humiliation. I don’t like the concept of being punished, because I feel like I’m good and doing the best I can. I just like the control of a man who will spank me, who will make love to me in a forceful manner.

Usually when you’re a child, [and if] you’re getting spanked mildly or almost affectionately, there is a feeling of loving control that’s being imparted. This [doesn’t] hold true for people who have been brutalized or abused as children. I recall being aroused by spanking fantasies as early as age three. I can only conclude that my father probably spanked me very mildly when I was still an infant … a patting kind of thing. The feelings I associated with this were pleasurable, and it [imprinted] in my brain. When you’re first aroused by it, you don’t even know what arousal is. You just know that there’s something wonderful about spanking. I think later on when you start to recognize the difference between boys and girls, you sexualize the fetish and want to play spanking [games with] a little boy or even a little girl.

My favorite kind of spanking is given by a man that I like, respect, and enjoy being with. It should always be over the knee. I like it to begin on my skirt and to have the layers of clothing slowly pulled up and pulled down. I like a good deal of rubbing. I like touching with a spanking, being fingered. I like to be talked to, but it’s not that important. I certainly don’t like to be berated, scolded, or humiliated. “You’ve been a bad girl” is okay.

It’s important to be held in the right way: held around the waist very firmly with one hand, as the other hand spanks. I don’t like fancy leg locks that hold me in place. That always makes me afraid that somebody’s going to spank me hard. There should be subtlety. I should always feel that the man cares for me, likes me a good deal. I don’t like to feel that somebody is just beating a piece of meat—that’s not me.

I’ve had some harrowing spanking experiences, because I have played a lot—experiences that made me cry bitterly within the first five minutes. A lot of people into spanking like those tears; they want to cause suffering and pain. I don’t exactly know why. I think a lot of people just have a problem. They don’t like women very much, or they don’t like themselves very much, or they’re vicariously putting themselves in the place of the spankee, and they feel that’s how hard they should be punished. That’s not what I enjoy. I like a sensuous spanking.

I can do a scenario very easily. I’m more comfortable with some than
with others. But I don’t need a scenario. All the excitement is in my mind already. It’s the feeling of control that turns me on—firm, loving control from the man. Sometimes the scenario almost gets in the way of the enjoyment, but at other times it’s very appropriate. It’s good for a beginner to use a scenario. It gives you somewhere to go. A lot of people into spanking have highly detailed scenarios. That’s all part of it. I think people into spanking should try scenarios and then move to the point where they don’t need them anymore.

I like bondage if it’s done properly. I have been in some extreme bondage where you’re very intricately and symmetrically tied and where certain parts of your body can be exposed, caressed, spanked sometimes, teased. Often tickling goes along with spanking, but I don’t see the value of it. I have engaged in enema play. That’s a big turn-on for me and very common to spanking people. That’s when I’m feeling at my most submissive. Sometimes I’ve done that to the extent that I got too submissive and I don’t want to do it again for a year!

“Too submissive” is when you feel so vulnerable you almost lose your soul. You lose your identity. You’re nothing but a squirming, writhing thing. This society teaches you that we have to be strong and assert ourselves and go out and get what we want. When you’re that submissive, it goes against the teachings of what a proper human being should be, and you become almost disgusted with yourself. You have to do a scene with a so-called “real master” before you realize that a lot of these real masters are just pompous idiots! I would never kiss a man’s feet. I think that’s insulting and ridiculous, although I’ve let a lot of men kiss my feet. I would never rim a man. I would never worship a man, nor do I want anybody to worship me. I believe in equality of the sexes.

I think it’s good that feminists come out and admit to being D&Sers, because some people don’t think that you can be a feminist and be a submissive at the same time, which is utterly false. I think that if a woman is doing what she needs to do to fulfill her own sexuality, then she is a feminist, whether that sexuality means being the dominant one or being the submissive one, or being somewhere in the middle.

I’ve been very privileged in being allowed to live out many fantasies. There really isn’t anything that I haven’t done within the realm of D&S that I would still like to do. Last week I shot a video. When I wrote the scenario I got turned on. It was [about] a married couple into spanking going to visit and socialize with another married couple into spanking, and the spankings took place during the actual double-date situation in a very charming and delightful way: just a very normal, mischievous wife-moderately-controlling-husband
spanking situation where all of the participants were attractive, the setting pleasant, the costumes delightful. I got to work one of the cameras and see my fantasy come to life before my eyes. It was wonderful.

There are two kinds of spanking videos. Some companies do fake videos in which lovely models take simulated spankings. I’m not going to give away trade secrets, but there are ways to fake spankings in videos. Then there are real spanking videos, like the kind Nu-West and my company make. I was perfect for the real spanking videos because I could take a real spanking. [Over time] I got a following. I’ve received literally thousands of letters from spanking people all over the country. This feedback inspired me to put out a publication.

The best spanking videos are genuine scenes that are filmed all the way through. Often spanking videos require a hell of a lot more pain than I like in my real life. I’m not a masochist. Unfortunately, the video viewing public has been trained to expect severity in a spanking video, [and] you have to please the crowd, so you have to take a bit more in a spanking video—or a lot more in some cases—than you would like.