Different Loving: The World of Sexual Dominance and Submission (46 page)

Some companies do tend to place the woman in the position of helpless victim or create what I call “blackmail scenarios”: For example, the girl has been caught pilfering from the company till, so rather than calling the police, they make her take a spanking. That is not the kind of video I like or approve of. I like a video that features a mischievous girl who baits somebody or deserves a spanking, and the one who’s doing it is doing it almost affectionately. There’s love there; there’s kindness, caring, trust.

I started to do videos for Nu-West and, in exchange for my acting services, shot a couple of videos according to my specifications. Eventually they put me in business for myself. They shot my first videos for me and allowed me to advertise in their publication, so I had an immediate pipeline to the heart of the Scene. I started Shadow Lane five years ago with one video, one publication, [and] a little fiction publication called
Shadow Lane—
my ongoing spanking novel. Then I expanded into a newsletter called
Stand Corrected
which has fiction, letters, articles, photos, illustrations, and personal ads. The current issue is 52 pages and [has] almost 300 personal ads.

We emphasize over-the-knee spankings. We take a romantic approach. I think a lot of the B&D publications and video producers that are having trouble again are making the women into utterly helpless victims, so it seems obvious that these women are not enjoying it, that they’re almost being assaulted. The companies who have gotten busted have done very severe things that you couldn’t [easily defend] in a court of law. I feel confident that I could take my stuff to any judge and [that] he would smile and say, “What’s the big deal?”

Shadow Lane is doing wonderfully. People have gotten married from meeting through my publication, and many relationships have been formed. People in this Scene are very shy. They don’t go to clubs or parades. You can’t tell who a spanking person is by dress, as with a leatherman or a dominatrix. Spanking people are embedded in society, and usually they’re hiding what they’re into from their mates. In general, their mates disapprove. There’s a small percentage of mates that do participate or tolerate it, but for the most part, this is a very “my secret life”-type of thing.

When you’re a spanking person and you suddenly tell your nearest and dearest what you’re into, you get anything from a blank look to utter disgust. You are told to see a psychiatrist because you’re sick, or it’s dismissed as something silly which nobody could possibly want to engage in. But married people have a recourse for their sanity. There are some wonderful professional dominants and submissives around.

Most of my male customers are switchable. They like receiving and giving. I would say 75 percent of my female customers want to be the receiver, and the other 25 percent are either switchable or could be switchable. We have female-dominating-male and female-dominating-female [videos and fiction]. All my back issues list the other vendors of interest to spanking people. It’s all there like a blueprint.

[A] good source of finding people is the local entertainment papers that take personal ads. Many of these papers will allow you to use the word
spanking
or
submissive
. I think it’s also good to join support groups. Again, you have to get the underground papers to find these groups. But that’s a good way to socialize in a safe atmosphere. You have to be bold and courageous. The boy who delivers your groceries is not going to give you a spanking spontaneously.

The concept of who can you trust is important in D&S, B&D, and S&M. You have to go through the process, just as you would go through the dating process. [In D&S] the best way to assure yourself of safety is to, first, correspond with the person. Next, speak with them on the phone, and if it feels right, arrange a meeting in a neutral place. And only when you feel comfortable, you meet the person alone, and even then you let somebody know where you are. During the date, if anything disturbs you or alarms you,
go
!
Leave! Depart! Tell the person that it’s just not working out and you’re not compatible. I think it’s important to remember that you’re a human being with dignity. Even if somebody tells you you’re a brilliant submissive or you were meant to be submissive, you shouldn’t take [his] word for it! The feeling should come from within you. You shouldn’t be told what you want. You should decide for yourself.

People who know themselves—because a lot of people reading this
book are only going to pick it up because the word
spanking
is in it—I want those people to feel that they are absolutely not alone. There is a Scene in America, and it’s growing all the time. Publications like mine and the other good spanking publications are helping to bind it together. There’s never been a better time to explore your D&S feelings, whether extreme or mild.

Whatever turns you on is fine. I’ve never had any reservations or feelings that I ought to go a psychiatrist or that there’s anything abnormal about me. As long as it’s consensual, I don’t care what anybody does. If my kids asked me, I would say that some people do it as part of foreplay. Some people like to kiss; some people like to spank each other. I would tell anybody [that] if there is some particular aspect that’s arousing, don’t repress it, don’t get frustrated about it, and don’t think it’s unhealthy. As long as you’re not imposing your will on somebody else, it’s okay.

I would never consider spanking any of the children. To me, [spanking] is a sexual thing. That’s one of the primary reasons I would never do it [to kids]. Second reason is [that] I wouldn’t have the heart to do it! I’m not a great disciplinarian in our household. My wife doesn’t spank them, either. I don’t believe in corporal punishment for children. I don’t think it accomplishes anything. I’ve known enough people, and I think we all have, that were spanked or beaten by their parents. The majority, in my opinion, tend to have greater psychological problems and tend to be abusive. It just doesn’t seem fair to me for a person 10 times the size of a child to physically assault one. Taking away privileges seems to work as well as anything else. I don’t think [physical punishment] works.

It wasn’t until I was in college that I had the opportunity to get somebody to spank me. I would find excuses to spank girlfriends. I kept it playful. When I saw it was starting to hurt them, I’d slow down. I never hurt anyone. I would say one out of the 25 I tried it with had [genuine] submissive tendencies. The others did it as a prelude to sex. Funny how things go back to when you’re younger. I [remember things I read] when I was in prep school. [One] was a description of somebody witnessing a man spanking a 19-year-old girl in a bathing suit. Instead of pulling it down, he pulled it up in her crack so it exposed her cheeks. That turned me on. I’ve always wanted to do that to a woman, so I figured I might as well try it [on] myself. It stimulates your anus and is tight on a man’s genitals. It provides a little added humiliation.

I’m more submissive than dominant, but I like to switch when opportunity permits. I’ve finally started using spanking as foreplay for sex, very light, [with my wife]. I’m in love with [her] and wouldn’t want to do anything to
jeopardize our marriage; if I don’t see a positive reaction, I back off. [But] she told me about a woman who said that she and her husband do this. I jumped on that by saying, “Why don’t we try it?” We have, and she doesn’t seem to mind it. When I spank her, it’s more sensual, very light, and part of foreplay. I want her to do it a lot harder to me, and I got her to do it fairly hard, but nothing compared to what I really want. But at least we’re moving in that direction, which is nice. I wouldn’t push too far. I like vaginal intercourse and to perform oral sex on women. I like to be sure a woman is satisfied. I want to be sure she’s had about five or six orgasms before penetration. In my head I spanked her whether I touched her or not. I have a good imagination.

Two months is about as long as I want to go without getting a real good spanking. I do mean
good
. Little play ones in between are fine, but going without it can make me irritable! Cranky, quite frankly. After I go through a severe session, I’m laid-back and comfortable. It’s an aphrodisiac.

I’ve had the occasion to meet some dominant women that were willing to administer spankings to me. I have to know in my mind that they’re not just doing it to shut me up or to pacify me. It makes me feel good when I know that they’re enjoying what they’re doing to me. If they like to do it hard on occasion, then [it] presents a challenge. I want to be able to meet that challenge and hope they enjoy that. Sexual intercourse is never a part of spanking sessions, first of all because I’m married. Even if I weren’t, a spanking, to me, is discipline. I take the remembrance of the session [home]. I don’t know if my wife has ever put two and two together, but by the time I get home, it’s not long before we’re engaging in marital relations!

In the beginning, when the talk starts, I am aroused. The mistress who’s going to spank me prepares me. She’ll say how naughty I’ve been and what’s going to happen to me: “You’re going to get spanked; it’s going to be on your bare bottom; I’m going to make you wear panties.” But once the spanking starts and the pain sets in, my erection goes away, I guess because of the physical nature of it.

I have to feel that the woman is in control and that she can read me. I can take a pretty severe spanking if I’m comfortable with a woman, if I know it’s what she wants to do and she’s comfortable doing it. Once I get into the proper frame of mind, my tolerance builds, not only in terms of the physical striking of the buttocks but in the mental sense. I feel I’m pleasing the dominant. I think it’s fine to have an off-the-cuff conversation before, in more or less general terms, because you have to do that to get to know somebody. But when you’re doing an actual scene, the dominant has to be in control, and she has to go a little bit beyond my highest point. Then it becomes discipline.

Caning was a big fantasy thing in my teenage years. I read the stories in
Cane
magazine from London but had no idea where you could get [a cane]. Finally I found one in New York, at a store called Uncle Sam’s Umbrella Shop; they sold it as a novelty. But, boy, I couldn’t wait to have somebody try it on me. [I] just thought it was wonderful! I approached it this way with a girlfriend: “I’m going to spank you with my hand, because I’m much stronger than you, but I’m going to give you this cane to make everything even.” I made it a game. I like straps, too, but prefer caning, the harder the better; a hairbrush on top of a caning leaves you with a great sensation which lasts for days.

It makes me feel good that now, with some effort on my part, one can meet people who are into it. I originally had a distorted image of dominatrices with masks. Everybody has their own thing, but whips and stuff are not what I want. I want to be spanked and caned like they did in school, turned over a knee or lying [down] and spanked with a hairbrush. Discipline.

Every person I have met into spanking is intelligent, very personable, and just a nice person to know. I trust them impeccably. In my line of work, dealing with insurance companies and cutthroat lawyers, there isn’t a lot of trust because if you trust anyone, you’re going to be disappointed. Everyone I’ve met that’s into the Scene is the cream of the crop of people engaged in kinky sexual activities: intelligent, honest, caring. Women have spanked me till I’m black and blue, red and blush and everything else, and I think that person is wonderful. She
is
wonderful. She knows what she is giving me. The person has to be your friend. You don’t need to be in love with the dominant woman. But to like her and consider her a friend is real important. She’s somebody you’re comfortable with, somebody you can talk to. After all, you are baring other things than your bottom to her. You’re more or less baring your soul and sharing what’s inside your head. It’s an intimate relationship.

[D&S] has been a lifelong part of my soul. It’s not something that someone has a choice about. [There’s] a funny story [my mother] mentioned to me the other day. We are very, very close. I have been able to share all of me with her and tell her everything that I have gone through, the things I do and my desires. She recalled a time when I was little and she had spanked me. I ran away crying to my room and came back later and said, “Thank you, Mommy. I needed that.” She said she just realized that I probably enjoyed it! And I probably did! [But] I don’t think that’s where [the desire] came from.

I was an only child and didn’t have a lot of interaction with other kids. But I would [spank myself] every Saturday. I’d [spank] myself to sleep. I’d run into the living room, turn myself over an ottoman, pull my pants down,
and spank myself. I’d set limits for myself: “A hundred, and then another hundred!” I really didn’t understand sex [yet]. All I knew was that I enjoyed spanking and was obsessed with it. When I started masturbating, I was always thinking that I was tied down and someone was doing this to me, and they were willing to force this on me.

Emotionally, it’s the ultimate form of love for me. I just totally want to give myself over to someone and please him and belong to him. I’ve analyzed it my whole life, and I reached a point where I finally said, “I don’t know why I’m like this. I give up trying to understand. All I know is that it pleases something in myself.”

When I moved out to California, I was far enough away from my parents that I could do what I want [without them knowing]. My folks are the most wonderful parents one could ever hope for. My mother is very understanding, but it would just kill my father. It would hurt him, and [it] would hurt me to do that to him. So I never thought about doing something back there.

When I started dancing at some of the clubs, that led to modeling work, and [then] I saw an ad for fetish models. It intrigued me. The thought of combining [modeling] with something that would satisfy some of my fetish desires was appealing, so I applied. I worked for this one company: They were doing various magazines—bondage, spanking, a little-girl look, two girls together. When it came to the spanking work, they said, “We’ll use rouge. This is just stills. You don’t have to do anything.” I said, “What? You’re going to take my fun away from me?” And the guy said, “Oh! Sure! Go for it, if you want!” And so we did, and I got very red. He said, “If you can do this,
you
should be working for a video company.” So he referred me to [one]. I figure that a lot of people who do this photography work are not actually into the subject. I have worked for a lot of people producing this type of material that don’t understand it at all.