Disillusioned (12 page)

“So?” she had responded.

“So, think about the risk you're asking me to
take. Do you really want to start over at ground zero? A new job, a
new occupation? You're about to have our second child, and we need
this job. If I burn bridges at Pericorp, there are not many
reputable companies that will give me a second look.”

Tessa had sighed, rolling her eyes, but
finally acquiescing reluctantly. “It's your job. Do whatever you
think is best, I guess.”

“Thanks so much for your vote of confidence,”
he had bitten back sarcastically. Merritt had never responded well
to her overly-principled view of complex issues.

Merritt called Peter Finley the next day,
“Pete, one of my Phoenix analysts has found a few discrepancies I
thought you might want to hear about. I know I would want to be
made aware of any dubious dealings in my division.” Though Merritt
had called assuming Pete's cooperation, Pete had mad a few
ambiguous answers and then excused himself without answering the
charges.

The next week, a new face sat in John
Mitchell's space despite Pete Finley's expression of appreciation
for the information, and despite the fact that Merritt had never
mentioned the informer's name. Though Merritt searched
clandestinely for weeks, he could never find any reference to John
Mitchell in Pericorp's records, could never see why he had been
fired, or even if he had. Though Merritt had used every precaution,
John Mitchell just disappeared.

Shortly thereafter, Walt had called Merritt
in for what Merritt called a “company loyalty” meeting, though Walt
ostensibly invited Merritt to a private lunch “for the purpose of
expressing appreciation” for Merritt's thoroughness. Merritt sat
through two hours of catered lunch, treated to the CEO's cigars and
the CEO's scotch, at the end of which Walt had blustered, “I'm glad
we came to this agreement.” Merritt had no recollection of agreeing
to anything but cigars and scotch.

When Merritt told Tessa about his meeting,
she swallowed the words that threatened to escape her lips. If she
had complained about Walt's actions, Merritt would have found a way
to explain away Walt's pressure tactics. Tessa could imagine only
one motive for such a meeting, and that lay in reminding Merritt
that he had better toe the line. If he tried to go up against Walt
or the Pericorp system, Merritt would just end up a casualty. The
fact that Merritt could let such blatant corruption go on without
confronting it made Merritt seem – the only time that he did so to
Tessa – like a coward. Of course, she would never admit this to
him, especially because she generally considered him the bravest
man she knew. So, like a “good wife,” she refrained from sharing
her opinion with Merritt. Instead, she just listened and nodded in
agreement with his foregone conclusions. Most likely, she figured,
no real harm would ever come from a few doctored numbers.

Even as she had thought the thought, Tessa
had realized that the title of the biggest coward could only belong
to her.

“Here we are!” Merritt crowed, obviously
enthusiastic about their arrival, though Tessa couldn't see his
expression through her blindfold.

Tessa inhaled deeply,
preparing herself for the next Arctic blast that she assumed would
come. As she heard the door open, however, warm dry air infused
itself through the stale atmosphere of the car, bringing with it
the homey scents of pine and cedar. She also smelled something
spicy.
Cinnamon?
she mused. After hearing another door open, she felt Merritt
raise her up one step and usher her into a place with the most
intoxicating mixture of smells. She still sensed cedar and pine,
but the cinnamon smelled stronger now, and it blended with cloves,
nutmeg, orange, and vanilla. It made her giddy.

“Well, wherever we are, at least it smells
good,” Tessa mused.

“Wait till you see it,” Merritt responded,
and she could hear his childlike excitement.

Grabbing her waist from behind, he held her
with one arm and with his other reached up to fumble with her
blindfold.

“You know,” he purred seductively in her ear,
“This presents some interesting possibilities.” His hand paused at
the blindfold, and he traced his fingers down her neck and across
the back of her shoulder.

“Cut it out,” Tessa tried to complain, and
her own hands reached up to untie the blindfold.

Merritt's hand grasped firmly around her
upraised wrists as he stopped her. “Careful,” he warned with mock
severity. “I'll have to establish my authority here,” and keeping
her wrists firmly manacled, he moved in front of her to kiss
her.

“I'm really scared!” Tessa retorted
sarcastically, but her sudden breathlessness veiled the bite of her
tone.

Merritt laughed and kissed her gently, then
pulling away, he said, “Fine. Here you go.” And with one easy
movement, he uncovered her eyes.

Light overwhelmed her vision as the blindfold
fell to the floor. It took her several seconds to

adjust her eyes to her surroundings, but when
they did adjust she almost didn't believe what she saw. Wherever
they had traveled must have been farther north than she had assumed
because the sun had almost set, and Tessa knew it would only be
about 7:30 p.m. based on the length of the airplane and car rides.
The darkness outside caused the lights in the house where she now
stood to twinkle like streetlamps on a rainy night. Besides the
electric lights, candlelight filled the room, explaining the scents
which had so pleasantly greeted her senses.

A large, white sofa, plush with pillows, took
up the greater portion of a roomy living area into which the garage
had emptied. Dark wood floors and cabinets lined the exterior
portions of her vision, but everything soft – every rug, every
piece of upholstery – wore varying shades of white and tan. A fire
blazed in a large hearth beside the sofa, and Tessa could just make
out a sizable kitchen beyond the wooden cabinets she had noticed
before.

“Merritt,” Tessa gasped. “This is amazing!”
Her eyes slowly took in as much of her surroundings as they
could.

Merritt watched her
carefully for a moment and then took her by the hand, leading her
past the inviting sofa and delicious smelling
candles toward an adjacent room. “I'm glad you like it,” he
finally responded, kissing the hand he held.
“Now, look at this.”

Merritt led Tessa up three or four steps into
what appeared to be another living area, this one having an entire
wall, at least 30 feet long and 20 feet high, filled with windows.
Beyond the windows to the left, steam rose from a lighted pool,
obviously heated by some source besides the air. Straight ahead and
to the right, the darkening horizon stretched before her, all below
her, because the house Merritt had chosen seemed to rest on the
pinnacle of a significantly elevated hill. She did not see the
rocky cliffs and craggy peaks that would have signified mountainous
terrain, just the green lull of gently rolling hills, though
mountains peeked from the far edge of the horizon. Further
enhancing the lighting effects of the house itself, twinkling
lights sparsely dotted the swells of the landscape. The beauty
stole Tessa's breath.

Unlatching his fingers from hers and placing
his arm around her waist, Merritt came to stand directly beside
her. They stood in silence for several moments, Merritt apparently
enjoying the effect his work had on Tessa, and Tessa simply
allowing the sensations to wash over her.

Finally, Tessa crooned, “Thank you, Merritt.”
She raised her eyes to his, hoping to speak her gratitude directly
into his mind by her expression.

Merritt intertwined his fingers again with
hers and led her back to the comfortable sofa, pulling her down to
sit beside him. Tessa giggled despite herself. “Come here,” he
demanded, pulling her next to him and leaning her back into his
chest. She could feel the warmth of his chest as they reclined
together on the couch.

“This is really amazing. Where exactly are
we?”

His voice hitching slightly, he answered her
reluctantly, “Jasper, Alberta.”

“Like, Alberta,
Canada
?” Tessa's tone
was incredulous.

“Yes,” he answered petulantly. “Canada. It's
beautiful up here, as you can see. Plus, you get to escape the
heat.”

“What's wrong with Denver?”

“Could Denver possibly be this intimate?” he
nibbled on the skin behind her ear.

“Fine,” she replied breathlessly. “Wherever
we are, it's amazing. I won't be difficult.”

“Good,” he teased. “You and I both know you
won't do anything about it anyway.” He seemed to take great
pleasure in tormenting her tonight. She squirmed in his arms.

“Come on. I'm just messing with you. Relax.”
Tessa smiled despite herself and settled back into his arms.

“Tell me something, Tessa.”

“Okay,” his tone made her dubious.

“What are your dreams?”

This vein of conversation took Tessa
completely by surprise, not to mention the abrupt manner in which
he introduced it. Such a conversation required deep thought and
serious consideration.

“Um...I don't know. Does it matter?” Though
she regularly spent time in introspection, this type of wishfulness
only made her sad. She tended to avoid it: reality needed her, not
fantasy.

“Yes, it does. Isn't there anything you wish
you could do, somewhere you wish you could go?”

“Merritt, I have too many responsibilities to
let myself wander into possibilities.”

Merritt wrapped his arms tighter around her.
“Why don't you let me worry about that? I'll take care of the
practicalities.”

“Merritt...”

“Look, one of your biggest
struggles was the demands that the kids made on you. I hired Liset,
and now you can relax more, spend time on
your
goals, right? If I knew what
else you wanted, maybe I could help more.”

Merritt's uncharacteristic solicitousness
confused Tessa. Instead of his usual judgmentalism at

her weakness, he seemed to want to help her.
Such an unusual state of affairs! Although she tried not to be
taken in by his consideration for her, Tessa had so often longed to
open herself up to him, to make herself vulnerable.

“Merritt, I...I really don't know. I'll try
to think of some.” She laughed humorlessly; this conversation made
her sad.

“You used to have such huge dreams,” his
voice lowered with some emotion Tessa didn't recognize. “I'm afraid
you've lost them because of me.”

Though she would never admit it to him, she
had always blamed him for the loss of her ambition. Until Tessa had
met Merritt, she had planned on traveling the world, writing a
book, learning to converse with people from all around the globe:
since she had married Merritt, life had wrapped itself around her
lofty dreams and sucked them back to earth.

Still, Tessa couldn't hold Merritt
responsible for all of her struggles – at least if she were honest.
Neither of them had realized the demands that children would place
on them, though Tessa wouldn't trade her children for any other
possible experience. Despite his success, the demands of providing
for his family weighed heavily on Merritt. When Tessa took time to
analyze their lives, both she and Merritt had left aspirations in
the wake of their marriage. Merritt's kindness opened a raw wound
that nonetheless dulled the resentment she usually felt for
him.

Turning sideways, Tessa snuggled herself into
his chest and closed her eyes. “Merritt, we've both made
sacrifices. You can't rescue me from life.”

“No, but I can try,” his voice was almost
sad, and Tessa's heart constricted with her own melancholy. For
several minutes, they lay there, Merritt's arms wrapped tightly
around her.

Unable to remain downcast for long, however,
Merritt kissed her lightly on the head a moment later and said,
“Let's take a swim.”

Tessa could have remained with him on the
couch forever; it had been years since she had felt so much
pleasure in his arms. She would not resist him, however.
Reluctantly, Tessa leaned up and placed her feet on the floor,
Merritt following her lead.

“It looks so cold,” she shivered.

“Don't be a coward,” he teased. “Haven't you
heard of the Polar Bear Club?”

“That water had better be warmer than forty
degrees,” Tessa gazed unhappily at the pool outside.

“Come on,” Merritt rose and pulled Tessa to
her feet. Meandering over to the suitcases by the door and opening
his own, he reached in and held something up. It seemed like a very
small amount of cloth. “I brought this for you,” he grinned
mischievously and handed the lump of material to her.

Holding it before her, Tessa recognized a
bikini, not particularly indecent, but certainly not something
Tessa would wear in public. She hadn't worn anything like it since
high school.

“You're kidding me, right?”

“For me,” he pleaded, wrapping his arm around
her waist and staring deeply into her eyes.

Tessa sighed, “Fine.” And she headed to the
guest bathroom to change. Even though she had agreed, she thought
about locking herself in the bathroom.

I guess it's not that bad.
It's just Merritt,
she
reasoned.

When she left the bathroom, she was glad she
hadn't been stubborn. Merritt didn't even gawk at her. He just
grabbed her hand and led her to the back doors.

“Ready?” he smirked.

Before Tessa could answer, Merritt opened the
door and dragged her through the frigid breeze to the edge. He
didn't stop. He just pulled her directly into the pool, laughing at
her the whole time. As her body broke the surface of the water, she
screamed.