Disillusioned (14 page)

Tessa's heart fluttered at Jason's name,
something she couldn't really explain to herself, and she felt an
even stronger aversion toward Karen than normal. Shifting her eyes
to some oranges, Tessa raised a bright-colored Clementine to her
face and pretended to inhale the scent, all the while trying to
steady her heartbeat and voice.

“Oh, that certainly sounds
fun,” Tessa hedged, her tone flat. A sudden surge of jealousy
threatened to overcome her self-control.
Temper your sarcasm,
she told
herself. “I thought you were just friends.” This time, Tessa sent
the covert peek toward Karen.
Tessa felt a little smug as
she saw an exasperated look flit across Karen's face.

“Well, it's not that we're serious or
anything,” Karen consented.

Yeah, he can't stand
you,
Tessa mused.
Cozy my ass.

Since Tessa knew almost nothing about Jason,
she wondered whether he were the type of man who would so casually
hole up with a female colleague just to take advantage of her
pathetic desperation. Tessa's blood pounded a little hotter through
her temples at the thought.

Jason didn't like Karen. Having viewed the
interchange at the dinner party several nights before, Tessa held
no doubt how he felt about the woman. Karen, though, was a very
sexy woman, and she knew how to utilize her assets. Certainly,
Tessa couldn't write off the possibility that Jason would indulge
himself with someone so willing; his regard for her would play
little role in that type of decision. The whole world of ideas felt
completely foreign to her domestic sensibilities, and Tessa quickly
purged the topic from her mind.

Even so, all of the confusion churned through
Tessa's stomach sending jabs of envy through her. Compounding with
the sickness she felt from self-reproach and irritation, Tessa felt
the sudden need for air.

“Well, I imagine I'll be seeing more of you.
How long are you here?” Tessa tried to conceal her irritation.

“Two weeks,” Karen asserted, “Didn't Merritt
tell you?”

“We're staying a whole month, so I didn't
know...” acid leaked into Tessa's tone. Without another word, she
stepped into the checkout line, turning her back on Karen and all
the other unpleasant considerations brought on by the
conversation.

“Oh...” Karen hummed disinterestedly. “Well,
I'll see you around town, then.”

“Yes, see you.”

Tessa's legs itched to run as she stood in
the checkout line. Almost enough to abandon her groceries, but she
forced herself to buy a few token items so as not to appear out of
sorts. In truth, on seeing Karen, Tessa had expected to lose her
cool to an extent. What truly disturbed Tessa, however, was how
thoroughly the thoughts of Jason had discombobulated her. It made
her angry with not only Karen, but with Merritt, and even more so
with herself. How could she have accepted the possibility that
Merritt could actually leave work behind for her? She should have
known better, and her own stupidity bothered her more than the
others' duplicity.

Finally free from the building, Tessa stalked
down the main Jasper thoroughfare. The cool, pleasant air couldn't
dispel her heated thoughts - Merritt had now pushed Tessa too far.
Until the last three days, Tessa had rolled along under the
illusion that she led a simple, boring life. Now, boring sounded
appealing. Certainly better than deception. Better than empty
promises. She didn't want to confront Merritt, mostly because of
how uncomfortable she felt with confrontation. On the contrary, if
Tessa could have faked her complacency, she would have prefer to
continue in her delusion. All the deception, though, had wrenched
her from her lassitude.

Merritt had so completely deluded her that
she now didn't know whether she could trust him in anything. If the
business/vacation stunt had been the only factor, Tessa probably
would have felt only mild shock, and she would have refrained from
bringing it up. Compounded with the other lies, however, the
encounter with Karen had thrust Tessa's usual sense of quiet
martyrdom under water and in its place surfaced the raging fire of
indignation. Whatever the cost, Tessa would uncover the truth.

Still, Tessa's degree of irritation with
herself shocked her perhaps more than any of the other events of
the last few days. On a good day, Tessa suffered from a mild sense
of self-loathing that stemmed from her general lack of self-esteem.
She knew this about herself, and Tessa had long ago learned to
control and silence. Her disgust with herself went far beyond her
usual sense of self-pity.

Somehow through all the years of
self-sacrifice, Tessa had begun to consider herself a saint. Not
that she never sinned, just that her capacity for patience and
kindness overshadowed any peccadilloes she might commit. For the
first time in her life, Tessa felt truly guilty; not judged, not
condemned by an outside force, but actually, forensically
guilty.

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