Doubting Our Hearts (16 page)

Conversation flowed and two hours later we were close to the end of the second bottle of sake. Although the drink doesn't have that much alcohol in it, drinking as much as we did made me feel slightly buzzed. I could only imagine what it was doing to Addy. I rarely ever saw her drink over one glass of wine or two beers.

Before she could open her mouth to speak, my phone starts to ring. Addison giggled as we listen to Mr. Bean's voice coming through my cell telling me to
Pick up the phone. Pick up. Pick up. Answer the phone. Pick up. Pick up. Pick up
. We burst into a fit of laughter. I see it's my brother, and I look to Addy to tell her to be quiet.

"Hey, bro. What's going on?" I ask trying to hold in my laughter to talk to my brother. I can see Addy's cheeks are red. She's trying to hold it in too.

"I need to see you. Can we meet at your place?"

He sounds so serious. I can't help but grin thinking of my brother in his three piece suit, standing tall, and directing me like I'm a juvenile.

"Sure. How long will you be?" I ask looking to Addison who's still trying to hold her giggle in check. I stick my index finger over my lips to tell her to be quiet or we'll both be in trouble.

"About half hour or so."

Shit, he's really coming over. Now I know I need to get Addy out of here pronto. I know Bray wouldn't go all crazy on me, but even in my fuzzed out brain I know he would think something was up.

"You're alone right?" He adds, but it's an honest question. He may not know the details surrounding my sex life, but he does know of my typical behavior.

Damn. I need a shower to erase the smell of Addison that has permeated around me. What to do? What to do?

"Yeah. No one's here but me."

Addy looks at me questioningly, but I shake my head. I have to figure something out and fast. Damn my brother.

"Alright. See you then." I hang up the phone and quickly devise a plan.

"Who was that?"

"My brother." She stills with the ochoko cup at her lips. "He's coming over."

"I guess that's my cue to leave then."

As much as I want her to stay because she looks at ease in my home, I know she can't be here when Brayden comes over. A plan. I need a plan. I'm not ready for this night to be over.

"How about this. I'll call you a cab to bring you back to Tina's while I talk to my brother. Once he's gone, I'll meet you and Tina at The Venue. We'll make a night of it, and I can be like a bodyguard for you two."

She looks to be mulling over my suggestion. She searches my face then looks to her almost empty cup of clear liquid. She starts to say something, and then quickly stops herself. God I wish I knew what she was thinking right now.

Finally, she looks up to meet my brown eyes and says, "Sounds like a great plan."

Chapter 17

Brayden

I make it to his apartment on Lexington Ave in record time. I would expect no less given it's late, but in the city you never can tell. When I reach the eleventh floor, I turn right to his apartment.

I open the door, and I'm met with the same type of ultra modern design that's in Lillian's apartment. The only thing is here it's expected. The rich dark hardwoods contrast the stark whites of the cabinets in the kitchen, and the dark concrete countertops and stone backsplash compliment the floors. Stainless steel is everywhere from the oven and cook top to the drawer pulls and sink faucet. What makes me pause is the new two person dining table. It’s gotta be new. I’ve never seen one in here before. Something to ask another time. I’ve got more important things on my mind.

"Bren, you here?"

"Yeah man, give me a sec. Grab a beer or whatever."

I open the huge double stainless steel door, grab a Corona, and then sit at the breakfast bar waiting for my brother to emerge. When he does, it looks like he just got out the shower.

"I didn't mean to interrupt anything."

"Bray, shut the hell up. You're good," He replies grabbing another Corona out the fridge. "Now, what's on your mind?"

"Lillian."

"I figured as much. Don't think I haven't noticed you spending a lot of time with her."

I want to tell my brother everything. He knows about my time in Tampa with her and about my breakdown a few months back. He's the one that put things in perspective. He's gotta help me come up with something.

"The woman has me in knots, dude. One minute she acts like a friend, and the next I'm seeing my picture on her bedroom wall. Why would she have my picture in her bedroom? The worst part is that I didn't freak out when I saw it. Yeah, it surprised me, but it felt like it
belonged
there. How the hell is that?"

Brendan doesn't say anything but lets my words sit there pregnant with unspoken meaning.

"I just bought her a plane ticket back to Tampa," I admit.

"Why would you do that? I thought you
liked
this woman."

"It's her dad, man. Her dad's sick in the hospital, and I wanted to do something nice for her. It's not that she wasn't thankful, she was. It was the feeling I got when she left that's making me hurt."

"And how did it feel?"

I need to identify these emotions. I can't keep fighting off or bottling up these reactions to her. This is the reason Addison and I took some time apart...to see what I feel for Lillian.

"I wanted to run after her. I didn't want her to leave. Even though I know she's coming back, seeing her walk away made me think of the last time I was in Tampa and she left me standing there."

"I think you're falling for her," he says plainly.

Could that be what this is? How does he know for sure? I thought I loved Addison, but Addison doesn't make me feel this way.

I want to be around Lillian in a way I can't explain. She makes me laugh, makes me see things differently, and makes me want to be a better person. Maybe I am falling for her, and it's not just an attraction.

"I don't know, Bren. What do you think I should do?"

He ponders my question as we sit in silence drinking the rest of our beer. Usually, I'm pretty level-headed when it comes to making decisions regarding women. I'm not egotistical or narcissistic, and I always consider the women's perspective. However, when I'm around Lily, I can't normally think the same way. It's as if she has a brain scrambler, and anytime I'm in her general vicinity I don't know which end is up.

"I think you need to go after her."

I look up at my brother not saying a thing. What would happen if I just fly there and find her? Would she be upset I imposed on this time with her family? Isn't flying 1200 miles suggesting I have an emotion beyond friendship?

I did buy the open-ended ticket for her so she could spend quality time in Florida, not just a day or two. The staff position doesn't become available for week or so. I must remind myself to tell Lil to call her editor regarding her stay. I could look into some more properties. We've already infiltrated the market down there.

Am I seriously considering this?

"Your silence is telling me you're waging some war whether to stay or go."

"I don't want to freak her out, Bren, but I care about her. I just have this unexplainable compulsion to be with her. I just don't know how to do that without her totally wigging out on me."

"Lillian’s a smart girl. She's mature, sensible, and for some weird reason, she likes being around you too. I'm not saying the girl's in love with you or even likes you beyond a friend, but I highly doubt she'll go all balls to the wall and kick your ass."

I sigh, but mentally, Brendan makes complete sense. “Yeah.”

"Good, now get on a plane and go to her."

He's right. She needs support, and I can't let her go through something like that alone.

I stand with purpose then quickly realize I have no way of getting in touch with her or her family. This is never going to work if I don't have something to go off of.

"Bren, I need your help. We need to find where her dad is staying at Tampa General."

"Get on the phone and buy a ticket. I'll call to see what room he's in."

I nod, taking my cell and sitting on his sectional. I dial the airline to reserve a flight out tomorrow morning to Tampa International. While I'm talking to the customer service representative, Bren gets my attention and gives me a thumbs up to tell me he located her father. Great. I'll have time to pack and get a couple hours of sleep before heading to JFK. The flight should allow me some peace and quiet beforehand to devise a strategy for when I touch down in Florida.

Chapter 18

Addison

I'm so glad I took Brendan's advice to come out tonight. Even if he doesn't show up, Teenie and I are having a great time. Between the two bottles of sake and the two cosmos I've had in the last forty-five minutes, my worries are temporarily forgotten, and I'm enjoying the multi-colored lights bathing us as the bass drifts from the speakers charging the air around us. I know I should switch to water soon, but it feels so good to let loose and relax.

"Hey girl. What another drink?" Teenie asks as tracks blend together to feel like on continuous song.

"Not right now. Stay and dance with me."

I pull her hand above my head and start moving my hips with hers. Bodies are everywhere. Lights flickering, the boom of the bass in my ears, and alcohol running through my veins allows me to imagine Brendan dancing with me. I know he'd look incredible under the glow of the moving lights. Rock hard abs, solid biceps, and those hips...mmm...those hips moving in time to the rhythm of the music. His strong hands running over my body. I move my hands over my cut off jean shorts and skimpy black top where I want his hands to follow as I dance in the crowd of people.

"We need to find you a pole!"

"Shut up, bitch. Let's give these guys a show."

"Come here, sexy," Teenie replies crooking her finger so I follow.

The song changes to a remix version of
Cruise
by Florida Georgia Line with Nelly. When I hear the first few notes of the familiar song float through the speakers, I'm glad I changed my outfit. As much as I love New York, and it's become my home, I can't deny my strong southern roots and love for country music.

Halfway through the song, I feel a hard chest dancing behind me, and it feels so good I can't stop and tell him to leave me alone. After the song merges into Elli Goulding's
Burn
club remix, I slowly back away from Teenie and dance with the man at my back. His arms aren't enclosed around me, which makes me comfortable, but I do catch a fleeting touch or slight caress on my exposed thigh and the sides of my stomach. The contact burns just like the song says. It's a feeling I've only gotten from one person.

Mystery man leans into my ear and says, "Fuck. You're so sexy. I couldn't
not
come over here when you started movin' like that."

I turn and I'm shocked. It's Brayden. No. It's Brendan. Crap, for some reason my alcohol infused brain can't tell the difference now. Brendan wouldn't touch me like that. Would he?

I keep dancing and eye Teenie who's dancing with some guy. I feel what I hope is Brendan's touch again. It's like fire enflaming my nerves. It feels so damn good in my current drunken state. I move myself around a little and push my body into his chest.

He leans down into me again, and I can feel his hot breath on my neck. Oh my God. How I want to rip his clothes off. I've never felt this feeling. I
shouldn't
feel this.

"If you don't stop, I'm going to take you right here...right now." His deep voice is demanding in my ear.

Shit. He's never said things like this to me. It's an exhilarating feeling and makes my nipples tighten in anticipation and my sex clench with need.

I want to believe this is Brendan so damn bad, but I have a feeling if it's Brayden, he'll be nothing my less than pleased if I call him his brother's name. There is no right answer here.
Think Addy
. You never told Brayden you were going out. Wait, maybe Brendan told his brother when they talked earlier. Damn, please let me say the right thing.

"Brendan," I say as I pull on his shirt.

He gives me a crooked grin and wraps his arms around me while mine snake under his so my hands can run down his beautiful back muscles. What the hell am I doing? I'm engaged to Brayden, but why, oh why, is Brendan here making me feel all of these insane thoughts?

"Do you want a shot?" He asks.

I'm definitely going to need some shots to deal with the way my body's reacting to him. "Yeah. Come on."

He takes my hand and pulls me toward the bar. "Wait!" I say as I pull on his arm. He looks back at me with those incredibly sexy eyes. "I need to tell Teenie where I am."

He nods then guides us both back to the dance floor. I push my way through to get to Teenie's side.

"Hey. Bren's here. Wanna do some shots with us?"

She looks over my shoulder to see Brendan giving her a small wave and smirk. She waves back and says, "Sure."

As we push through the crowd back to the bar area, I can feel Brendan's grip on my hand getting tighter. I smile at the ground and continue to follow him. I must be insane. I know it's not good to mix too much alcohol and crazy lusty reactions, but damn the man who elicits them from me.

Why couldn't he be someone else? Why does he have to look exactly like Brayden? It's like every time I look at him I ache to be with him, but then get the feeling it's Brayden and suddenly I'm overwhelmed with guilt like I got caught yearning for his brother.

When we get to the bar, Brendan asks for a dozen shots of tequila for us. The shots are placed in front of us, and he hands me and Teenie two a piece.

"Here's to unexplainable decisions," He says as he lifts his shot to us in cheers.

Fitting toast.
I thought.

Teenie and I raise our shot and take the first one then quickly down the second. I know tequila, my cosmos, and the sake I drank earlier is a lethal combination if I continue drinking. I'm either going to pass out or do something I'll probably regret entirely. I know I can't do either, so I make the decision to stick to water the rest of the night.

"No more for me," I say as I shake my head and right hand in front of my face. "You guys drink up." I look up to Brendan who has this hungry intensity in his eyes. "You need to catch up anyway."

"I'm almost there. Trust me."

Teenie does another shot then asks, "So, Brendan, have you decided to buy a new couch?"

"Tina Marie. Shut up!"

I can hear Brendan laugh next to me, but I'm too embarrassed to look at him. I know he has no idea what she means, but what the hell? I don't what to discuss that conversation with Brendan.

"No, but I did happen to find a table today."

Now it's me and Teenie's turn to fall out laughing. I did forget to mention that little tidbit to her when I came back to the apartment. He looks at us like we're crazy, and maybe at times, we are.

"What? What's so funny?" He questions with a laughing tone to his voice.

I start to speak when Teenie's small hand covers my mouth. "Addy here wanted to get you a table. And before you ask why, she didn't want to eat on your couch due to all the previous visitors of the female variety, which is why she suggested buying you a new couch too."

"I can assure you there is nothing wrong with my couch. I don't have much time to sit on the thing. I lock up my extra-curricular activities," He confesses.

I knew it! That room across from the bathroom is his little playroom. Security my ass!

Teenie busts out laughing and Brendan looks temporarily shocked.

"Damn. Did I just say that out loud?"

Brendan just nods his head, and Teenie starts into another laughing fit. Her arm drapes around my shoulders as I put my face in my hands. "Loosen up, Addy. Take another shot. You are far too entertaining to call it quits now."

I surely don’t need another shot. I need that invisibility cloak from that wizard guy so I can escape right now.

"Is this playroom sexual in nature?"

God does this woman shut her hole?

"Dammit, Teenie. Shut the fuck up!"

She knocks back another shot then starts laughing before saying, "No. this is good. Our friend here has a kink. So, it's true right? Whips? Paddles? Handcuffs? Ropes?"

I try to run off but I'm stopped by Brendan's hand around my bicep. He hasn't confirmed or denied Teenie's questions, which has me starting to worry she might actually be right. Brendan can't be one of those guys who wants to dominate women can he? No way. Just thinking about being bound to his mercy both seems way too enticing and extremely freaks me the fuck out.

He looks in my eyes forgetting about my friend next to us. He's seems to be silently pleading with me. For what I have no idea. The deep mocha of his eyes feel they can make me do anything he asks. And that thought is what has me diverting my eyes to look anywhere but at him.

Whips? Bonds? Anxiety and fear start to rush over my body. Never again will I let a man do that to me. It practically obliterated me last time.

"Give us a minute, Tina." He says to Teenie over my shoulder. He then directs his next statement to me. "Come with me."

When I snap my head up to his intense brown eyes, anger surfaces. I never asked about his personal preferences and surely he doesn't know about what happened to me, but I'll be damn if this doesn't piss me off. I think about his parade of women since I've known him. Each one likes to be...what do they call them? Submissive? Slaves? No. No. No, no no. He's just like Clayton. He wants to tell women what to do and when to do it.

Of all the people in all the world why can't he be normal like his brother? Why does my body insist on being traitorous to someone I shouldn't want and a man that is just like the person who broke me?

I wrench my arm out of his grasp, and his eyes widen in surprise. I turn back to my friend and pull at her arm to guide us back to the dance floor. I need to put some distance between Brendan and I.

"Hey! What's going on?" My obvious drunk friend asks.

"Has your brain been absent for the last ten minutes?"

"Well, I am kinda buzzed." I narrow my eyes on her before she relents. "Okay. Okay. A little more than buzzed. What's gotten your panties in a twist?"

"Think! Try to put two and two together here, Teenie."

She's tried to assimilate the pieces, but I can tell she's not really doing a good job of it. Her attention focuses from me to the ceiling then to everyone around her as she dances to the music.

"I don't know, Addy. He's sexy as sin and being tied to his bed..." She trails off, and her face tells me she's connected the dots. Took her long enough. "Alright. I get it. Do you think it's true though? I mean I was playing with him. Brendan doesn't seem the type to go all BDSM on a woman. Yes, definitely, hot, crazy, passionate fuck-me-against-the-wall type sex, but whips and ball gags? Come on. Be real here."

I keep dancing and let her words sink in. I thought the same thing. When I'm near him, my body is like a moth to the flame. His eyes bore into my skin and ignite something I can't explain.

"He's staring you down like something fierce," Teenie says nudging my shoulder.

I glance up straight into the intense russet eyes that never waiver from me. Even as he takes a shot, his eyes never falter. I can tell the bartender has filled up another dozen shots on the bar. I don't think I've ever seen Brendan drink this much in the three years I've known him.

I try and block thoughts of Brendan from my mind as I go back to dancing with Teenie. I can't think about him. He's bad new all the way around. My brain knows it. My heart knows it to a certain extent. Now if we can just get my body on board; I can fully be immune to that man's bizarre pull on me.

Teenie and I dance a few more songs before I need something to drink. Water. Anything else will putting fuel to the fire.

I've been sneaking glances up to the bar the past thirty minutes or so, and sure enough, Brendan's been there with either a shot in his hand or a bottle of Corona. Before Teenie and I decide we need a drink, I search the place at the bar where Brendan was to make sure to avoid him like the plague. He's not there anymore, so I suppose it's safe to approach.

As the cool clear liquid calms my insides, I know I can't let Brendan and my wanton thoughts of him direct my actions. I love Brayden. I'm engaged to him for Pete's sake. However, is he in love with me or just love me because we've been through a lot together? My feelings for Brendan are surely not of the friendly nature, but with this new darkness that Brendan has, can I let him in to my heart? My mind automatically says no, but my heart may have different plans.

******

"Ready to head home?" Teenie asks in my ear.

"Yeah. Bed sounds nice."

"Bed? Yeah, a bed sounds reeaall niiice," I hear a man slur as a strong arm comes around my right side, and hot breath at my neck. Tequila is a potent smell, and I immediately know it's Brendan.

Turning to face him, I state, "So go find a woman, tie her up, spank her, whip her, and do all other sorts of things with her. Your bed. Your business."

"I don't want another women."

My eyes go wide and my mouth almost drops to the floor. Even in his obvious drunken state, his eyes are gazing at me with such fervor that my body goes from tired to amped and tingly in his personal space.

"You're drunk."