Doubting Our Hearts (17 page)

"Maybe I am, and maybe I'm not," He responds then takes a long swig of his Corona.

Just seeing his lips touch the top of that bottle, his Adam's apple move as he swallows, and his tongue swipe a trickle of beer that escaped the side of his mouth has me hot and bothered. If I didn't want him so much, I would smack him for trying to tempt me.

"You need to get home. You don't look so good."

"Addy," he says as he puts his arms around my shoulders. I'm sure this steadies him more than showing some kind of friendly gesture. "You think I can have any woman in the place, but in fact, I can't."

"Bren, your drunk. You need to go home."

"Alone. Alone. All alone." It sounds like he's starting to sing. What was going through his head to make him drink so much? Now I feel bad, and my responsibility as his family is to get him home. I can't call Brayden or he'll know we were out together. I have to do this by myself.

"Teenie, help me call a cab. I'm going to make sure this one gets home."

Chapter
19

Brendan

It might not have been the smartest idea to drink my problems away. When Addy blurted out she knew I had a playroom, I was more than shocked. She knew I lied to her but for good reason. Believe me when I say, I've dreamt about having that woman tied to my bed all naked and tanned as I caress her curves and hear he moans. I can't think of much else when I'm near her, but I could never open that part of me up. Not only fear of my brother and our relationship, but also the fact that Addison is pure and doesn't need the dark side of anything. She deserves romance and love making not the shit I like.

After I saw the fear in her eyes and tension in her arm, I wanted to explain so she doesn't think I'm some kind of freak. Plus, I don't need my brother to know anything I do. It's probably one of the only things I've never told him. Okay, one of the two. My feelings for Addison being the first.

I didn't have a horrible childhood or lose a parent or even get beaten up. I had my brother and sports, and even though our parents divorced, they did love us. I don't have this underlying need to whip women or bring them any sort of immense pain for my pleasure. My tastes have just materialized after having so much experience with the opposite sex.

After I bought my apartment, I knew I wanted a spare bedroom in case family wanted to crash. The third room was mostly unused expect when I brought women over, plus I didn't want my guests to sleep in the same bed I played in. It's not a dungeon or anything, and you can't really tell it's anything but a normal bedroom...well, except for the leather bonds attached to the bedposts.

I like to tie a woman up and play with toys if the situation arises. It's not about dominance or at least not extreme dominance, but more about seeing a woman get aroused, bring her to a state of extreme pleasure, and know I'm the one who brought her there.

Girlfriends? I don't have time for those. That's for my brother. That's what my parents’ fifteen marriages did to me. Where Brayden is scared to commit because he wants this once in a lifetime love and only marry once, I vowed to never get married. I don't want to go through anything that would hurt me as much as I saw my parents hurt. Sex is sex, and emotional entanglements don't exist...at least not for me. Sure, I've had the same woman come back a few times, but they all knew my view on anything beyond sex. It wouldn't ever happen.

Watching Addy get upset and dance with her friend like she's putting on a show messed me up. I wanted to explain, but she didn't give me the opportunity to. So I did the only thing I thought to be the right thing, I drank and watched over her.

Now, that is where I know I went wrong. Alcohol and watching the woman who has plagued my thoughts and fantasies grind against her friend threw me into deranged territory. I watched her calf muscles move while she bent her knees and shimmied down with the beat. As she would come up, the curve of her ass would stick out pushing her chest forward and her oh so perfect breasts tight against her shirt. Her blonde hair now streaked with hints of purple and pink moved with her gyrating body. This woman is complete sin.

I consumed another dozen shots on top of the first six I had when I was with her and Tina. Couple that with three Coronas, the beer I had with my brother and the sake, I was pretty trashed, and it was all over this gorgeous woman. This woman, who at the present time, is now trying to stuff me in a cab and bring me home.

"I got him Teenie. Thanks."

"No problem. Call me and let me know you got there safe. Love you. See you later."

Tina closes the door as I lean over to tell the cabbie my address. I must have gotten it wrong because Addy tells me to shut up then rambles off another address.

My eyes get heavy, but I can't resist the urge to stare at Addy and imagine us together without any ruse or brother fighting brother situation with Brayden. She lights my fire, burns my desires, and fuels my fantasies. She's temptation, and I love the punishment.

We make it to my apartment building and hand her my wallet to pay for the cab. She supports my frame around my waist, and the undeniable urge to kiss her enters my mind.

This, my friends, is exactly why you never mix alcohol and your brother's sexy-as-sin fiancée then shove them in an elevator. It will get you seriously hurt.

Seriously.

Without a second thought...or a brain...I lean down to kiss Addy's cheek and lose my balance, slamming the side of my face into the elevator wall. I clutch my head as Addy yells about God and drunken fools who need to control themselves. I can't make out much because the throbbing in my head is so intense.

I hear the telltale ding of the cart reaching my floor, and Addison pulling at my arm trying to get me off the thing. When I get up, I feel lightheaded and stubble backwards out of the elevator then sideways hitting a wall.

"How much did you have to drink?"

I ignore her question and try to concentrate on getting to my apartment. The hallway seems a lot longer than usual, so I squint my eyes and count the doors out loud until I reach mine. Addy pulls at my arm, but I don't budge.

"My place."

It sounds so caveman. Like I wear a loincloth and bang my fists on my chest to tell people this is where I live. I can see myself talking like a caveman too.
My cave. My woman. You leave.

I look up to a giggle, and it's Addy. "Your place. Over here," She says in her own kind of cavewoman voice. I laugh and realize my brain let my mouth ramble my thoughts. At least it wasn't anything stupid or incriminating.

We make it in my apartment, and I stagger to my couch while unbuttoning my shirt. I lay lengthwise then pat the space beside my head for her to sit. Her eyes roam my body focusing on my abs and chest, and I am momentarily glad I keep working out just to see the hunger in her sapphire eyes. My gaze moves up her legs to those shorts over her belly up the swell of her breasts to her collarbone ending on those lips I've longed to kiss.

"I want to want but I can't."

I'm just sputtering things out of my mouth. Now I'm loose lipped and afraid she's going to ask me questions. Not good at all folks.

"Can't what?" She responds.

See what I mean? I kind feel obligated to answer her question. It's all the alcohol's fault. This wouldn't have happened if I didn't drink. Damn you, Don Julio!

"Can't want."

Addy comes to sit on the spot I suggested, and she lifts my head and places it back on her lap. It's comfortable, and man, it feels good to be this close to her.

"What can't you want?"

"Why?"

Stop asking me or I might just tell you. You can't know. You. Can.
Never.
Know.

She looks down at me as she runs her finger through my hair. Holy crap, I'm getting a hard on. How is that possible with how much I drank? I drank so this wouldn't happen.

"Curious."

I let out a breath and put an arm over my face.
If you keep running your fingers through my hair, I’m going to crack. The walls I've erected will start to crumble. Hahaha...erected.

"Umm, maybe I should go," She stammers and stops her smooth caress of my scalp with her small fingers. She looks down toward my obvious bulge then back to my eyes. Shit brain mouth communication problem again.

"I won't let you in there."

"In where?"

I lift my arm in the general direction of the third bedroom. "Not gonna happen. Nope." I say ending with a pop sound.

"I don't want to go in there."

"Good. Best you don't."

"Glad that's settled." She starts the lazy movements of her fingers in my hair.

As I peek above my arm, she looks lost in thought, staring at her dainty fingers and their path through my brown hair. A hint of a smile plays at her lips. This urge I have to be honest is going to get me in trouble.

"It's who, not what," I say pulling her from her thoughts.

She eyes me curiously. "What?"

"It's a who I can't have not a what."

She starts to laugh and my head shakes as her body quakes with the force of her laugh. I should shut up right now. If this is how she reacts to me admitting anything, I should suck up my pride and never speak of this night again.

"I'm sorry. I don't mean to laugh. You're telling me you want a woman you can't have? How is that possible?"

"Don't make fun. I'm not good enough for her."

It's true. My promiscuous ways aren't what Addy needs. She needs professions of love, flowers delivered, and romance beyond belief. She needs to be all he sees everyday of his life. She needs to be his everything and only. She deserves that and a family and kids, and I am definitely not the man for that.

Addy's hands move from my hair down my temples until she's cupping my face upside down. Her eyes are serious, but her features are soft, like she's determined.

"Brendan, don't say that. Any woman would be crazy not to want to be with you. You're funny, kind, honest, and loyal. You
are
good enough. It's her that isn't good enough for you."

My eyes close as her words wash over me.
Any woman
...just not her. I'm not good enough for her. She's better than me in every way. She's the good in my day, the light to my darkness, the hope I hold on to. She's the only person I could ever imagine loving.

As I can feel sleep trying to consume me, I hold on to what's left. Addison's blonde locks with hints of bright color running through my fingers. Her stunning bright blue eyes and the way her lips move. The sound of her voice and the feeling I get when I hear it coming from her gorgeous mouth.

I smile before I'm thrust into dreamland.

I am in love with Addison James.

I see her in her beauty with a smile that always seems to jumpstart the butterflies in the pit of my stomach. The woman I'm destined to be without to admire from a far. The woman who with a simple touch can make my heart melt and my body surge with want. I can imagine kissing those luscious lips while our bodies crash together then look into her eyes and answer the question I can't seem to tell her out loud.

It's you.

Chapter 20

Lillian

As I touched down in Tampa well after midnight, my first order of business was to catch a cab to a hotel, preferably one closest to the hospital. Once inside, I could wrap my head around everything I was feeling because lets face it, I was emotionally and physically exhausted.

Within two hours, I’m lying peacefully under the covers at the Marriot Waterside after a nice hot shower, thinking of my dad. Doctors running tests on him for cancer is obviously my biggest stressor. I'm scared for him and hoping it's nothing serious. I can't let my overactive imagination take flight now or it’ll certainly drown me in sadness. Whatever they do find, I pray it's treatable. If nothing can be done, I don't know if I would survive that.

Being in Tampa also brings up my last memory of this place, my failed wedding. Damon's phone call and Nora's constant messages hang around me like a ghost you can't shake. They're always there and always waiting. God forbid I see either one of them while I'm here.

And Brayden. Buying me a ticket and shuttling me directly to the airport was far beyond what kind of friendship we’ve established. He cares, and that's definitely a feeling I can relate to. As much as our weird friendship is going, I do care for him and how he's feeling. I was strangely disappointed when I sat in my first class seat on the plane and stared at the empty seat next to me. I wished Brayden came to hold my hand so I could deal with the obstacles ahead. Part of me still wants him to be with me through whatever this trip entails because of the solace I feel when he's near me. My body doesn't just come alive when he's around me, it also feels oddly tranquil like it knows I'm safe from harm.

I can't get caught up in my thoughts and feelings for Brayden. He's off limits. He's engaged to Addison, and I could never come between that. I would feel like a hypocrite if I did something I got upset over. No. I just need to sleep and see my dad in the morning.

I reach over and set the alarm on my phone for 8 a.m. then close my eyes and drift into an uneasy sleep thinking of my dad and wondering where those familiar brown eyes are.

******

When I wake to the beeping of my alarm, I am in no way ready to get up, but I know I must start. I jump in the shower so hot streams of the water can fully wake me. After brushing my teeth and throwing my hair in a messy knot, I go in search of my trusty kona pants and a t-shirt. I didn't get a call from my parents this morning, so I'm hoping to make it to the hospital before they hear anything.

Twenty minutes later, I'm walking up to the reception desk at Tampa General asking what room my father's in. I'm directed to room 213 and make my way there with minimal assistance. Before knocking on the door, I take a deep breath to calm myself. I have to be strong. I can't break down or I know for sure they will. I open the door and see my mother sitting by the father's beside holding his hand.

"Daddy?" I ask in a hush tone.

"Lily bug?" He replies, and I can see the big smile on his face. "What are you doing here?"

"Lily, honey, we've missed you!" My mom exclaims before wrapping me in one of her special hugs. My muscles relax and my chest constricts. You don't know how much you can miss your parents until you don't see them for months. Being in my mother arms is like having a glass of wine after work; it pacifies me and releases some of my worries.

"I've missed you both too so much," I reply trying to hold back the sobs that I know will break through if I don't get it together.

"Sweetie, I just talked to you last night. How is it that you're here?"

"Well, after we spoke, one of my friends bought me a ticket on the last flight out of New York and drove me straight there. The non-stop flight only took about three and a half hours. I got in early this morning."

I pull away from my mother to go to my father. The hand with his IV goes to my cheek, and I lean forward so he can kiss my forehead. Such a simple gesture, but it means so much to me. He's done that before I went to sleep ever since I was born. When I felt I got too old for it, he would wrap me in a hug and kiss my forehead when he got home from work. It let me know he was always there with me. I didn't realize how much I missed those little things since I went to college and now moved to a different state.

"Have you heard anything yet?" I ask standing up and trying to hide my face as I wipe a lonely tear from slipping down my face.

"They took your father in for a biopsy early this morning. We're just waiting for the results. It should be another hour or two." My mother replied pulling up a chair next to hers.

"Biopsy? So they know what's giving him so many problems?"

"Sit please, honey." I sit, but I can hear in her voice she's worried. It's can't be good. "Yes, it's prostate cancer. They're trying to determine at what stage it's in to see about what treatment options are available."

Prostate cancer. I sit there immobile trying to search my brain and figure out of its curable. Clearly, my profession is far from medical, but some cancers are clearly incurable. I can't seem to think beyond the usual ones, HIV, Aids, Leukemia, etc.

"Your father's been having pain for a while. When I brought him to the ER yesterday, they started running tests given all of his symptoms. They confirmed the diagnosis with a digital rectal exam. The biopsy results should tell us what stage it's in."

"Is it curable?" I ask hearing the shakiness in my voice.

"Depending on the stage. The doctor said they don't usually catch this type early, but that's not to say we didn't. We just have to wait and see what the results say. We're trying to stay positive Lil. It's all we can do."

My mother reaches out to grasp my father's hand and then mine. "I would like to say a prayer if you don't mind, honey."

"Please."

I scoot my chair closer to my father's bed so I can hold on to his and my mom's joined hands. I wish my sisters were here with us. I just hope wherever they are they're safe and happy.

"Heavenly Father, we sit before you in need of your intercession. We pray that the cancer that’s come into my husband's life soon fades into a quick remission. We believe in your capacity for miracles, and ask for this on our behalf. As we grow older, We know we become closer to the day you accept us back into your kingdom. We ask that you delay that holy union if it be your will. In your name we pray."

"Amen," We say as we end in unison.

******

The next two hours go by fairly quickly. We discuss all things regarding me and New York, my new friends, my job, my photo shoots, and my new loft space. I've neglected to mention anything about Brayden, but he's always in the back of my mind as I recall memories that have him in it. A knock at the door halts our conversation as we look up to the doctor in a pristine white coat walking through the door.

"Mr. and Mrs. Anderson. I'm Dr. Hemmings," The doctor says as he comes in and shakes my parents’ hands.

"This is our daughter Lillian," My father replies giving me an introduction.

Dr. Hemmings offers his hand to me, and I shake it when he speaks, "Nice to meet you, ma'am." 

"You as well."

"The results just came back. It looks like the cancer has not yet spread to any nearby tissues. It's contained within the prostate, which tells me we're dealing with stage II not III. This is a good sign. It's curable. I would like to perform surgery and have you undergo radiation therapy so we can get this under control. I firmly believe these combined methods will prevent any more problems."

The doctor's words flow through my mind, but only one word remains.

Curable.

Relief floods me. Although the surgery and radiation therapy don't excite me, it will cure him, and I'll have my dad back.

"Thank you Dr. Hemmings. Anything you can do for my husband is greatly appreciated."

"Yes, ma'am. I'm glad we caught this in time. Let me get the procedure set up as soon as possible. I'll have the nurse come back and give you a time we can operate."

"Thank you," My father says, and I can see tension leaving his body.

The good doctor takes his leave as my mom and dad hold each other whispering in one another's ear. I'm still standing trying to sort out all the words and emotions coursing through me. I can't break down in here. I can't show weakness when my dad needs me to be strong for him.

I need some air.

"Excuse me."

"Take your time sweetheart." He replies over my mom's shoulder.

I walk out into the hallway and start my path outside. My pace gets faster as if I'm trying to run from these reactions and the fresh air will suck them from my body, relieving me of feeling like an emotional ball of nerves that will burst open at any minute. A brisk walk turns into a sprint to the calm winds of a Tampa Saturday.

I know there's a door up ahead, and I turn the last corner, only to run into a solid chest.

"I'm sorry. I wasn't pay-" I'm cut off by strong arms encasing me in warmth and support. I don't have time to process who this person is. They're offering me support and strength, and that's exactly what I need right now.

Instantly, my floodgate opens and tears stream down my face. It's relief from the worry, the realization it's not worst, the thoughts I had about my dad dying. It's everything I've ever kept inside bursting out of me.

"Shh. It's alright, Lil. I'm here." The familiar deep voice is crooning me to calm the storm raging inside of me. I can feel him pull me down on his lap holding me close rubbing my back lightly as I continue to cry into his chest. "I'll always be here to help you get through anything."

His quiet admission rushed through my cries straight to my ears. I look up to see pools of warm chocolate. Concern laced with relief is what I notice in his two brown orbs bathing me in peacefulness and protection. In this moment when I thought I was all alone trying to fight reactions to things that were overloading me, this wonderful, caring, incredible man is here to support me. In spite of his relationship status and this strange friendship we share, I can say without a doubt I am falling in love with Brayden Knight.