Doubting Our Hearts (7 page)

I let her take a few pictures, but then my competitive side comes out and I'm trying to one up my brother. Lillian takes pictures of us throwing punches, laughing, and just plain goofing off. I haven't felt this laid back in a long time way before my brother and I got our company started.

"These were great. Thanks guys. Take a few and we'll try to get ones that GQ might
actually
run in the magazine."

She heads to her stuff and picks up a water bottle to take a sip. When I see her take off her pink sweater, if I didn't remember how sexy she is, then I sure as hell know it now. The plain white t-shirt sits lightly hugging her body, and the weight of her breasts strain against the material of her bra to push against the shirt.

Brendan pushes my shoulder, and I turn to him. "Dude..." He says as he smirks at me and tilts his head toward Lillian. I have this sudden urge to tackle him to the ground. I don't care if he was trying to get me to stop staring at her chest or if he was telling me that he was staring too.

Trying to get my thoughts out of the gutter, I ask, "Alright Miss Photographer, what should we do now?"

"I figured we could take a couple over here with you two back to back. Smirk, smile, just anything that's comfortable."

We do what she tells us, and the relaxed feeling is back in full force. Brendan opens the front of his suit and I mirror his pose. I pull my lapels and he pulls at his vest. Brendan takes off his jacket and I can't help but follow his lead. All the while Lillian is click clicking away catching us messing around with each other.

"Wow. I mean, I think I have enough now. Thanks. Y’all can change now."

"But..." I poke at her. There wasn’t a but at all; however, I need an excuse to keep her talking and in this good mood.

"But what?" She asks looking a bit confused.

"There was a but there. I heard it."

"There was no but." She doesn’t go to pack up her camera. Instead, she stares at it, running her fingers over the lines and curves.

I can tell there’s something on her mind, but she’s not opening up. I just want her to talk to me like we use to. "Come on, Lil. Whatever you need us to do as long as I don't have to touch him," I say motioning with my head over to my brother.

"Yeah, I love this dude, but that's definitely where I draw the line too," Bren adds.

She looks nervous, looking between me and my brother then her camera. "Well, it was more a personal request. Nothing to do with the magazine."

"Ask, Lillian," I urge.

She's takes a few breaths and messes with her camera a bit before saying, "My friends asked a request of me the other night at dinner."

"And what was does this major request consist of?"

"It was either my girlfriends sit in on this session,” then she mutters, “which was never gonna happen” under her breath, “or I agree to take a particular kind of picture of Brendan."

Brendan smirks no doubt mulling over the decision in his messed up head, but what about me? I'm the one she should be asking for a personal photo. I frown, wondering why it's only my brother and not me.

"Go on Brayden. I see something's bothering you. Pray do tell." Lillian says as she folds her arms in front of her.

"Well, what am I chopped liver?"

"How did I know you were going to say something like that?" And her cocky smile is trying to break through the surface.

"I guess you know me too well," I pout as I fold my arms over my open vest and ever so slightly stick out my bottom lip. That causes both Brendan and Lillian to full on belly laugh, which makes me chuckle. Hearing Lillian laugh is music to my ears after all this time away from her.

"Actually, if you must know, my friend Courtney suggested I get a picture of Brendan, the bachelor, in his suit...sans his vest and shirt."

My jaw actually fell to the ground. First of all, I've never heard of Courtney, which must mean all signs point to she's living here in New York. Secondly, I can't let my brother pose for a picture like that into front of Lillian without putting myself in between them. I'm not stupid. Lillian is gorgeous, and if my brother didn't know I had some kind of history with her, he's all but jump at a chance with Lillian.

"Why ask just him then?"

"Didn't you hear? One of you is no longer on the market. I was asked to get this picture from the
single
Knight brother not the
engaged
one." She didn't hide the contempt in her voice, but I wasn't done fighting. Hell, I didn't even start. She went about fiddling with her camera before I could speak again.

"So, these photos are only to satisfy a bet you made with your friends?" I ask as I turn to take of my tie. I quickly remove my vest and shirt and look at my brother whose doing the same. I'm not sure Lillian is paying any attention to us because she doesn't answer me. She just keeps messing with her camera.

When Brendan and I have the requested attire on, or off in this case, as I remain with my back to her. "Lillian?"

"Oh, yeah?"

"Who else sees these?"

"Yep, sorry it's just a bet, and only my friends, Riley, Courtney, and Gwen," She replies.

"So you do live here now." I smile secretly knowing what the answer is before she says anything.

"Of course I live here. I couldn't fly back and forth from Tampa everyday to see my friends now could I?" She sucks in a breath when she realizes what she let escape. Finally, a question answered, and I feel even better knowing she's merely minutes from me instead of hours.

"Okay, Lillian. You got yourself a deal." I look at my brother and his eyes dance with humor. He's knows I'm going all caveman in the situation, but I can't let my brother parade around half naked in front of Lillian.

"Awesome. Thanks, Brendan," She says as I see her in the corner of my eye lean up to kiss my brother's cheek. His smile grows wider as his eyes stare at me, and I know his ass his playing with me. I don’t know Lillian’s motivation behind that kiss, but a low growl emanates from my chest.

He's my brother. He wouldn't do anything, but I don't yell or act out. She knew what she did when she kissed him. Now, it's my turn to play dirty. I know what I do to her.

She glances at me when I turn around and her eyes grow wide. "Wh-what are you doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing?" I comeback as I adjust my tie and button a few buttons on my jacket over my naked torso. I realize her eyes are fixed on my exposed skin, and the heat that filled her eyes fuels my own desires about her. Her chest is practically heaving as she continues to stare me down.

"I didn't ask you to," She says motioning toward my sibling, "I asked him." Never taking her eyes off me. Him. Ha. Yeah, forget his name with you're staring at me.

I shrug not really caring with any logical explanation. She's a very visual person. I know firsthand.

We take a few pictures before I unbutton my jacket completely, and I hear a sharp intake of breath. The clicking stops and I know exactly what she's looking at through her lens.

Chapter 6

Lillian

"What is
that
?" I ask as I point to the general vicinity of Brayden's left side of his body. My eyes wander over the tribal lines coming from underneath his jacket.

"Something I got a few months ago." He responds shrugging like it's no big deal.

"I know what it
is
, but what is it
of
exactly?" My voice is shaky and any and all confidence and strength I showed during our shoot has officially gone down the drain as I stare wide-eyed at Brayden's body art through my camera lens. I zoom in to try and get a close up without actually getting close up to him.

"You can take a close look if you want." He says trying to hide a smirk. "Or you can just look at it through your camera, but I guarantee it's better close up." He starts to take off his jacket, and I freeze.

I can't take my camera away from my face. I'm afraid he's going to see the lust in my eyes and feel how much I just want to just jump his bones. I blink rapidly a few times then stare down through the lens again looking at his tattoo.

It's amazing, and I momentarily wonder why he chose to mar his skin with these tribal designs. I don't think I can look anywhere else. I can see his abs are cut to perfection as I knew they would be, and in the back of my mind I know Garrett would definitely be outdone by Brayden's physique.

The sharp lines and smooth curves encase the entire left side of his body from his pectoral muscle over his bicep and disappear on his left side. When he turns around, I see the design doesn't just stop. It covers half his back. Two lines disappear in his pants at his lower back, and I can't help the urge to know what else there is to uncover under the last piece of clothing. The points are precise and the way its simplicity makes it whimsical as well as masculine. It's captivating. I can't look away. As his arms move to showcase his art, the muscles in his back shift and move like their daring me to touch them as they bend to his will.

I zoom in with my camera because I wanna to get closer, with actually being that close to him. My body is humming with the unexplainable desire to trace each swirl of the design and kiss every sharp point at the end of the lines. I lick my lips and berate myself for thinking anything like that of a committed man.

Why did I ever open my mouth and let Courtney's suggestion fly out of my mouth? Oh that's right. I felt the need to get Brayden back for lying to me. I was honest with him about Damon from the beginning, and now he's engaged. He didn't say he was engaged back in Tampa and he doesn't strike me the type of guy to run and get engaged in a short amount of time.

"Lillian?"

I keep my camera up to hide emotions that are coming to the surface, most of all I feel lied to. "Yeah so, I'm done. Thanks. The girls will love these."

Brayden stalks over to me in his suit pants and tie as his brother leaves the room. God, his torso is begging for my touch, and my senses are on Brayden overload. He puts his hands on either side of my camera and pulls it away from my face. He knows I wasn't taking pictures. He knows it was there as my feeble attempt to protect my eyes. The same treacherous eyes that tell him more than I ever could.

"What are you hiding from, Lillian?" He asks softly.

I start to glace around the room for something anything to keep me from answering his question or looking at his delectable body. I don't lie, and I know if it comes down to it I would have no choice but to tell him the truth.

His strong hands burn a path up either side of my neck as he cradles my head in his hands and lean down to me. I hold my breath because I have no idea what he's going to do. His lips are literally mere inches from mine, and I can feel his warm breath on my face. God, kiss me. No! Don't. Just get out of my personal space before I combust.

"Tell me Lil,” he says as our eyes lock. Those eyes. I never stood a chance. “What are you hiding from?"

My insides melt and take a short breath before I pass out. Why does he have to affect me this much? Why can't I lie like he's done...like everyone I know does? It's infuriating, but in a weird way comforting to know I have no secrets when it comes to Brayden. He knows me better than anyone ever has.

"You." I reply meekly.

His breathing is just as labored as my own, and it’s there I can tell he's affected my by presence as well. Back then it didn't matter I was engaged and fighting my emotions when it came to Brayden; I stood true to my promise even though my heart was telling me to give in. Now it's my turn to stand as the outsider to a relationship and wonder if he feels about me the way I feel about him. I
feel
something for him. Oh, dear God. This isn’t good.

"I want to have dinner with you, Lillian."

"Why? Your fiancée will find out, and I wouldn't forgive myself if you lost her over me." I don't know how good that sounded, but to me it wasn't completely accurate. I wouldn't forgive myself, but more importantly I wouldn't forgive the feeling Brayden would have.

"Addison’s going away on business today. I'm going to tell her I met up with you and be completely up front. No more secrets." He takes a deep breath while I process what he's saying. "Brendan suggested he accompany her around for wedding things. I have no doubt she'll agree. Before you ask, she knows about you. I want to explain everything over dinner." I process his words. Not wanting to say no and not wanting to say yes puts me in a hard place. "As friends."

I don't know if I can do this, but I know I want to. I've been wishing to spend time with him to regain that feeling of comfort I've missed these past nine months. Now I have a chance to get that back while keeping our friendship and not interfering in his plans to marry Addison.

Addison of all the names. It sounds so perfect and innocent. Just like someone he should marry. I roll my eyes trying to muster up all my confidence that left me at the sight of his tattoo.

"Just as friends," I confirm.

The smile that grows on his face is breathtaking. I swear he could be a beacon of light in a dark alley. I smiled back, and he wrapped me in a warm embrace.

Whereas before I would wiggle my way out of his embrace, this time I didn't fight the feeling. It's the feeling I've been missing, his comfort. Friends hug right? My cheek against his burning hot skin did nothing for my libido. I push him away far sooner than I wanted to.

"Ok, yeah, we're done, so get some clothes on."

After he chuckled and left, I turn and drop to the floor. So many questions running through my head not counting my fears and worries. Taking a few deep breaths, I regain my composure before the twin brothers reenter the room.

"Well, it was nice to finally be properly introduced, Lillian. I look forward to seeing you again." Brendan shook my hand with a smile then out of nowhere wraps me in his own embrace. It takes me off guard but it’s nice to be able to have a good cordial starting point with Brayden's brother. Then he leans next to my ear and whispers, "Give 'em hell."

I just smile and brake our embrace. It's time to put on my big girl panties and be the friend that I'd promised to be. "Well, have fun shopping for the wedding. If you need any help, just let me know. I'm an expert." I frown slightly thinking of my own wedding.

"I might just do that." Brendan winks at me then leaves Brayden and me alone again.

Silence.

"So." He says shifting back and forth on his feet.

Awkward pause.

"So." Now we're in the awkward stage of monosyllables I see.

Another pregnant silence just staring at each other.

"Would you like to get something to eat then walk along the river?" He asks timidly.

"Sure. This isn't a romantic stroll is it? Cuz if it is maybe we should forego the stroll and do like paintball or something," I respond trying to pick up some humor to douse any sort of romantic vibe he might be having.

"Yeah, paintball is much more friends zone than walking, but I'll keep that one in mind though." He's starting to look unsure of himself, which is a bit of a change from the man who was always so confident. "No. I thought maybe some seafood and then we can go see the fireworks shoot off over the Brooklyn Bridge."

"Fireworks? Now you're just going above and beyond. Don't you think? That definitely screams romance to me." He laughs, and I can tell our friendly back and forth banter is back in full swing.

"Well, I don't think I could wine and dine a woman that has always been restricted to the title of friend. However, today is my lucky day. I didn't have to pay extra for the fireworks. Although, I would suggest you bring your camera."

"Why? What's so big about today?"

"Lillian, it's the 4th of July."

******

Today. Today of all days I finally meet back up with the exact brown eyes of my 'friend.' A 'friend' that always said the nicest things. The 'friend' that I let take a picture of me, which never happens. A 'friend' that in the end was always looking out for me even when I was too blind to see what was really happening.

So, if I say 'friend' enough I should believe that's exactly what he was, right?

I head for the fridge to grab my customary Stella after a shoot, and try to ponder why today of all days do I see Brayden again. It could’ve been more appropriate to meet him up on Halloween when you see ghosts and other things that haunt you but not me. It had to be on Independence Day.

This day doesn't just mark the freedom of our country, but the separation from one to be free as part of another. The irony is not lost on me that I did the same thing moving here. I cut myself off from Tampa, Nora, and Damon to be free in New York where I had the small inkling that I might eventually find my way back into Brayden's life. Isn't it also ironic that our friendship started out that I was engaged and he was the outsider, and now the tables have turned? 

I walk over to my laptop and find the song in my head, Alanis Morissette's
Ironic
...why not play the whole Jagged Little Pill album. Pretty fitting for my situation. I find the album, crank it up loud, and walk into the bathroom to start the shower.

While I shower, my mind and body are trying to calm themselves from the high of being near Brayden again.

"So, how do I get in touch with you?" I asked playfully.

"I'll meet you by Prometheus in Rockefeller Center."

"Seriously? You're not going to give me your number so I can call you like a normal person."

His mock gasp was too funny not to laugh at. "If I remember correctly, I didn't get your number the first time we met."

"True. Is there a certain time I should meet you or just hang out by the golden statue until nightfall like some lovesick girl waiting for her one true love?" Ugh. What compelled me to ask the question like that I'll never know, but I could see him visibly tense at my words.

He just continued on like he didn't hear me say lovesick and true love in the same sentence. "I was thinking, let's say around five. We can walk to Le Bernardin from there and then catch a cab over to the river to watch the fireworks."

"And what if all of this sounds too romantic and I don't show up?" I had to counter quickly to keep up our banter or he's just going to think I'm completely crazy.

He looked hurt by my joking question. Does he really think I wouldn't show up after all of this? He slides his hands across the slid of my neck and all my senses tune to Brayden. When his forehead was against mine, he whispered, "Oh, you will." He then placed a short kiss where his forehead once lay then walked to the door. He turned the handle of the knob and turned to me as he open the door. "Miss Anderson," He said as he graciously bowed to me.

I went with it and curtseyed with my imaginary dress as I bowed my head. "Mr. Knight." And then he was gone.

I would be lying to myself and anyone who asked if I said I wasn't secretly looking forward to tonight with Brayden. I feel awful for being excited to be doing anything with him since he's engaged, but I figure this will give us a chance to clear the air between us if nothing else.

The ringing of my phone has me rushing out to catch it before it goes to my voicemail. "Lillian Anderson."

"Lily! What are you doing tonight?"

I roll my eyes.

"Riley, I'm going out. What do you think? It's 4th of July."

"That's right. You're coming with me and we're going to hang out, get drunk, and watch the fireworks."

I really hate to tell her no, but I have to. I need this time with Brayden to try and get myself in order. "I can't, Ry. I have plans."

"Plans? Is it a guy?"

"Maybe..."

"Wait...did Mr. Hottie from the GQ shoot ask you out?...and wait, I want our pictures!"

Nothing, I mean nothing gets past Riley.

"I did get your pictures, even though I have no idea why I asked him to take them."

"How did they turn out? Hot right? Gotta be totally hot!"

As the image of Brayden comes to mind in his suit pants and tie, I almost jumped back into the shower to cool out. He's not just hot; he's sweltering. I can feel the pool of desire unfurl in my belly then Riley jolts me back to reality.