Doubting Our Hearts (22 page)

"You loved him even then," She states plainly.

"I don't know, maybe. Maybe it was my sign that I needed to get away from Damon. That Damon wasn't the guy for me. When I came here, I never intended to jump back into our friendship like nothing happened. I guess it happened without even realizing it.

"He was up front with me about his engagement, and he seemed genuinely happy. I knew I couldn't interfere. I want to see him happy, and if that's with you, than I'm going to support that."

"Lillian, he belongs with you. I can see that now," Addy says as she takes one of her hands and wipes a tear off her face. "Thank you for telling me."

I smile not really knowing what else to say. I just told Brayden's fiancée that I'm in love with him. I feel guilty I let these feelings simmer so long and explode into this deep seeded love.

"I'm going to talk to him. I have some explaining of my own to do. You both deserve to be happy. I hope you know that." Addy stands and I follow. She wraps me in a hug so I reciprocate. "Thank you for the shoot. I can't wait to see how the pictures came out."

"I'll let you know," I say as she hands me a card with her contact information.

"I expect an invite to your wedding," She replies, and I can't help but blush.

When Addison closes the door, I slump back onto the couch resting my head back so I look toward the ceiling. He's not going to be engaged anymore. Addison said she wants to see us happy. I smile at the thought of Brayden and I together. The future that I saw us living the last couple weeks in Tampa as a couple might actually become a reality.

Chapter 25

Addison

I'm a coward. That's right. I admit it. I'm the biggest coward I know because for the last two weeks I've avoided Brendan like the plague. I've hung out with Teenie and tried to run through my thoughts of him, but all I keep thinking about is his last murmured words before he passed out.

It's you.

God, is that even possible? Could I be the one woman Brendan wants but can't have? It would make sense; however, it wasn't just that statement that had me freaking out and pressing the 'fuck you' button every time he called my cell. It was the sinking feeling that whatever this is between Brendan and I was going to destroy Brayden.

I talked to Teenie for days going back and forth, overanalyzing my feelings for them both, then getting drunk to deal with my one conclusion.

I'm completely in love with Brendan Knight.

I had a feeling I've been in love with him, but I never wanted to confuse love with lust. However, after bringing him home that night and hearing him go on about the one he can't have and he doesn't think he's good enough for her, I went all emotional and poured all I had into telling him he was good enough for this mystery woman. After his final words, I might actually be this woman.

How can he think he's not good enough for me? He's all I could ever want. He's kind, considerate, interested in my career, determined in his, funny, and lights something in me that I can't explain. In spite of his history of obvious extra-curricular activities, Brendan is exactly the type of man I could see myself marrying and having babies with.

As I step into the cool New York air, I can't help but smile. Lillian is exactly how I'd imagined she'd be. Honest, respectful, and a complete babe. No wonder Brayden's in love with her. And if I didn't know before she told me, she's in love with him too.

Although it might have been hard to hear from her, I wasn't actually upset she told me how she felt about Brayden. I thought I would feel something...anything besides relief, but it never came. No jealousy. No hard feelings. Nothing but relief in the knowledge Brayden is going to get exactly what he's always wanted. Someone to love and that person to return his love equally and passionately.

I take this as a sign that my photo shoot for GQ was meant to be. I was meant to meet with Lillian and talk to her. I was meant to come to the realization in her studio that Brayden does love me, but he's not in love with me. It also solidified the fact I love Brayden as a good friend and I care what happens to him. He’ll always have a piece of me. He fixed me when I was broken, helped me to see the good in things again, and allowed me to move forward regardless of the horror in my past. He made me realize I could be good for the
right
man. But today I know the right man is the one who has my whole heart, Brendan.

I've made my decision. I can't let our relationship continue with all the knowledge I possess now. It would be wrong, unfair, and cruel to keep this up. That's why I'm walking purposefully around pedestrians and through the streets to get to Brayden's office.

I should call to make sure he's there and has time to see me for a minute. It won't take long, but it's a necessary conversation. I find his work number and press send. Candice answers on the second ring.

"Knight Enterprises. This is Candice speaking. How may I help you?"

"Hi Candice. It's Addison."

"Hello, Miss. James. Would you like to speak to Mr. Knight?"

"No. Does Brayden have some free time within the hour? I would like to stop by and see him." I need to do this in person. Breaking up over the phone is just plain lame.

"Let me check." Candice pauses and I hear her pushing keys on her keyboard. "Yes, ma'am. Mr. Knight has about half hour before his next appointment."

However, before I can continue and tell her thanks, out of the corner of my eye I see a black car whipping around the corner. I scream so loud all of downtown Manhattan could hear me right before my body explodes with pain and the bright lights of the afternoon immediately turn black.

Chapter 26

Brayden

My second day back to work has been nothing short of a disaster. It's not that Brendan didn't do any work, but the feeling of being back in control after two weeks spent relaxing with Lillian is a bit overwhelming.

By lunch, I'm beat and Candice brings in a sandwich and a bottle of water then leaves me to my thoughts. Today is Lil's first shoot as staff photographer. She couldn't hide her excitement on the phone this morning. I think she actually called me before I left my bed. I never pegged her for a morning person.

Brendan wants to talk with me after work at his place. Even though I'm not dreading the conversation, I am going to tell him I've made my decision. I don't need his approval, but his support is definitely something that will help me move forward.

My plan is to spill my guts to my brother, get his advice, then move forward and tell Addison I know what I want. I think that's why I need my brother's advice. I still haven't figured out the best way to tell Addy. I know I'm going to hurt her, but I need to do it in a way that she knows I still want her friendship. After I get over that hurdle, I’ll be able to sit Lillian down and lay my heart out there, become completely vulnerable, and hope she feels the same way.

A couple more hours pass with things to catch up on until I hear Candice barging through the door with a look of complete horror on her face. She's pale, shaking, and her mouth is moving slowly, but can't get the words to vocalize.

"Candice, what's wrong?" I ask getting up from my desk to meet her halfway.

"Oh God. I c-called the police. I-I don't know an-anything else." She starts to shake her head and it's freaking me out.

Candice is focused and does things right the first time. There's no need to look over them. I can count on her, and right now, I have no idea what's rattling her up.

"Why did you call the police? What happened?"

"It's Miss James. She called to meet with you. After I told her when you had some free time, I heard a crash. I have no idea where she was or what happened, but she never answered me when I yelled for her through the phone."

Addy? My face goes as white as Candice's as possibilities race through my mind. I need to find her first. God knows where she is and where they're going to take her.

"Call Roosevelt Hospital now. Demand to find out if Addy is there. I'll call the police station to see if they can get me any details."

"Yes, sir. I'll let you know if I hear anything."

I nod and quickly go to my desk to call the local precinct. Twenty minutes later, they're able to identify a woman was hit by a car and rushed to Roosevelt Hospital with severe injuries. I thank the officer as Candice reappears in my office.

"She's there. All they could tell me was she just got in."

"I need to go."

With that, I grab my jacket and rush down through the lobby and out the door. Hailing a cab, I tell him to step on it as the drive to the hospital beats at my heart and my mind. Addy was hit by a car. She's suffered severe injuries that no one can tell me what's going on. I'm tempted to call Lillian, but I know it won't change the feeling in the pit of my stomach. I knew something wasn't quite right. This horrible feeling I've been carrying around for the last few days has been eating away at me.

This is my punishment for choosing one over the other.

The ringing of my phone snaps me out of my misery for a second before the cab stops and I jump out to pay the man giving him my thanks. I jab at my phone running through the hospital doors.

"Yeah."

"What the fuck is happening? Becky said something happened to Addy."

"I just got here man. All I know is she got hit by a car."

"Fuck! I'm on my way."

I hang up and immediately find the receptionist and tell her my fiancée came in through an ambulance and I need to see her right away. She directs me to emergency services where the receptionist there tells me I have to wait.

"I need to know what's going on now! That's my fiancée for Christ sakes!"

I don't care if I'm screaming or yelling. I don't care if I was going to call it quits with Addy. I don't care if Lillian walked in right now. Addison, one of my best friends, is in there, and I have no fucking clue what's going to happen.

Time passes as it always does, but the length seems to draw out with every breath I take. I feel a hand on my shoulder as my brother comes to kneel by my side.

"Bro, tell me she's going to be okay. Tell me." He's pleading, begging me to confirm something I don't know myself.

I can't look at him. I can't give him what he wants because I don't even know. No one is telling me anything, and it's killing me.

"Mr. Knight?"

Both me and Brendan shoot our heads up toward a doctor in a white coat with a blue scrub cap. In a rush to get up, I near fall over.

"I think you need to have a seat, sir."

"Please just tell me what happened and that my fiancée’s going to be alright."

"Miss James was hit by a car. She sustained multiple broken ribs, a collapsed lung, a broken arm, a fractured leg, as well as a severe head contusion. She's in critical condition in the ICU."

"Don't let her die! She can't die!" My brother screams.

I look to my brother in shock and realize he considers Addy family just as much as I do. He knows this would break me. Break us.

"Mr. Knight. We're doing everything we can. Miss James slipped into a coma. She'll be moved to the ICU as soon as possible, and we'll be continually monitoring her condition. The nurse will let you know her room arrangements as soon as they are available."

I just nod my thanks because nothing seems the right thing to say. The doctor retreats behind the swinging doors and leaves me and Brendan a crippled messed in the waiting room.

Minutes pass as staff, patients, and visitors move around among us. It's as if we're suspended in time watching the happenings continue without fail. My mind aches. My heart hurts. And I have no idea how to make things better.

"Do you want to call Lillian?"

I look up to my brother, but I have no response. I should want to call her. I should want her here with me, but I can't bring myself to voice anything. I was supposed to see Brendan tonight and talk then after return to Lil's if it wasn't late. I stare at the black screen of my phone and wonder what I should do.

Brendan grasps my phone in his hand and tries to pull it away from me. "Let me, bro." My grip tightens, but I still don't let go. "Bray, please man. Trust me." I look up to meet his worried and concerned face. The one person I've trusted my entire life. And I know it's okay to let go.

When I release my phone, my head drops and my fingers entwine together behind my head as my elbows rest on my thighs. I feel helpless and defeated. I feel like I've somehow responsible for what happened. I may not have caused the accident, but she was coming to see me.

Brendan returns and hands my phone back to me without a word. I don't know who he called, and I don't care. I have no power to fix this. No control on the outcome of the situation. I feel like a scared boy with no idea how to proceed.

Another hour passes before the nurse approaches us. "Mr. Knight?"

My brother and I look up into the eyes of a nurse. Her eyes widen probably unsure of who to address. "Um...Miss James is in intensive care unit room 3 if you both would like to follow me."

We follow without a word. The nurse guides us through corridors around corners and stops outside the ICU. She presses a large metal button with a handicap symbol on it and the double doors swing open. I take a deep breath unknowing of what I'm going to be walking into. Brendan squeezes his arm around my shoulders to show his support.

"Come on Bray. I'm right here. She's gonna be alright. She's
gotta
be alright."

With strength I didn't knew I still possessed, I take the horrifying twenty steps to stand in front of room 3. When I look up, Addison is sleeping in the bed with so many wires and cords attached to machines beeping and showing readings. She has a tube down her throat while air is being pumped into her lungs, and her right leg’s in a cast. My body starts to quake. This beautiful woman who has supported me through things that no other woman would is lying broken in a hospital bed, and I have no idea if she'll survive.

My knees give out, but my brother is right there to catch me. "This isn't happening. Tell me this isn't happening brother." My voice is weak with unshed tears. I know I have to be strong, but how can I be with one of my best friends in a coma unsure if she'll even wake up?

Brendan pulls a chair on either side of Addy's bed. He goes to her left while I go to her right. He sits just staring at her while swiping the pad of his thumb over the inside of her wrist. It's the most intimate simple gesture he's ever publicly made with a woman. When I look up to his face, tears are running down his face.

I'm not saying men shouldn't cry or we're weak for showing emotion. What has me confused is that I have never...and I mean
never
...seen my brother cry before. I don't have any clue how to start this conversation.

"What's going on Bren?"

He looks toward me, closes his eyes, and then shakes his head before moving his focus back to Addy. "I can't Bray. I promised myself I would never be that brother. I can't."

"Brendan, I tell you everything. I told you about Lillian even when I knew it was an asshat thing to lie to her and Addy. I tell you
everything
. The least you can do is tell me what's going on."

He focuses on Addy. His soft motions with his thumb haven't stopped nor has he removed his hand from around her limp one. Although his eyes are red and match mine, what I see in his is something I thought I would never see, especially toward my fiancée.

For some reason, rage ignites inside of me. Has my brother hidden his feelings for Addison for this long? Surprisingly, some of their comments start to make sense. Have they been going behind my back for the past three years? My own brother. The one person I trusted my entire life is in love with my fiancée and possibly betraying me. This is the reason Addison was so forthcoming for me to go to Lillian four months ago and separating to explore my feelings for Lillian recently.

I jump out of my chair and my strength forcing the chair backwards. Brendan's head snaps up from his gaze on Addy to look at me. "Are you fucking kidding me right now, Brendan?"

"It's not like that. I never meant for this to happen."

"And to think I was a fool for having conflicting feelings between Addy and Lillian. This whole time you two were going behind my back, and I was the damn fool. You're my damn
brother
."

"Nothing happened."

"I don't give a shit. We're you two playing me this entire time? Fuck! All those times you said you would look out for her. That’s what you call
looking out
for her, Bren?"

"Bray-"

"I don't want to hear a fucking thing from you. I'm leaving. I'll have Candice get updates."

"Bray, wait-" I heard Brendan plead as I storm out of the ICU, through the hospital corridors, and toward the darkening New York sky.

I just start walking without a destination mind. How could I have been so blind to what my brother feels for Addison? He's always been a playboy unable to keep a relationship or rather he doesn't want a relationship. I know my parents' situation messed him up, but there has to be some reason at twenty-nine he doesn't want to rid himself of the constant flings and find someone to settle down with. God, now it makes sense. He never wanted a relationship with those women because he's wanted Addison the entire time.

Somehow, I've made it into Central Park and sat down on an empty bench. I have to get right with all of this. I need to work this out in my head. I need to start with facts. Separate them from assumptions. Work it out in my head.

Addy. I love Addison. She's one of my best friends. Yes, I'm engaged to her, but her and I don't have the connection like Lillian and I have. I've always felt proposing to Addison wasn't right, until I figured Lillian was already married. God that's so messed up. I asked Addy to marry me because she was my second best.

Lillian. I love her, but I'm also in love with her. I don't want to be separated from her. Everything about her calls to me on some primal level that I can't explain. I asked her father for permission to marry her seeing as though I'm still in an engaged relationship with Addy. I didn’t get a “no,” but looking back it was another dickhead move.

My brother. Dammit. The one person I trust above no other. I can't believe he would do something like this. However, I can't sit here and honestly believe my brother would go behind my back and betray my trust, even if he knew I had feelings for Lil. He couldn't have formed feelings for Addy in spite of my obvious affections toward Lillian.

Now Addy is lying in the hospital in a coma not knowing if she's going to be alright, and I made an asshole of myself flipping out toward my only brother. I need to make this right. But how am I going to do that?