Doubting Our Hearts (21 page)

"Alright. If I win, we sit together on the way home."

"Don't bribe me with the enjoyment of your company and the luxury of first class. I can fall asleep in those comfy seats after a nice drink."

"How do we know which of us wins?" I ask as I turn the door nob to leave my room.

"We already have."

I come face to face with Lil wearing a blue cotton knee length dress with black sandals, smiling. My heart pounds away at my chest as she sways side to side and her dress moves with her.

"How long have you been standing out here?"

"Ever since I called you," She replies with mirth in her voice trying to hold back a smile biting both lips between her teeth.

"You win," I relent. "Dinner's on me." Her wide smile returns, and I'm all to happy to give her anything she wants. First class included.

******

We had a great dinner with her parents. The food was delicious, and our conversation flowed like any other one we've had. No awkward silences or embarrassing moments. Lil is more like her dad than her mother, which will hopefully make what I'm about to do bit easier.

"Mr. Anderson, would you like to join me for a drink at the bar?"

"Sure, son." George gets up from our table and kisses his wife on the forehead. "I won't be long." Helen returns his smile then looks to me and winks.

I look to Lil where she is just gawking at me. I lean down and give a chaste kiss on her cheek, and she leans into my lips. I wouldn't normally kiss her like that, but it was more to deter her questions than trying to put on a show for her parents. I know it won't help, but this is the only time I'm going to be able to talk to her father face-to-face.

You might be thinking
Brayden, dude, you have got to be the dumbest tool in the shed. Asking Lillian's father for permission to marry Lil when you're still engaged to Addy. Oh wait don't forget to mention neither you or Lillian has breached the subject of a relationship or feelings for one another.

I know all of this, and I'll admit it's probably stupid. However, I'm planning on righting the entire situation when we get back to New York. Addison deserves to hear these things straight from me, and Lillian deserves complete and total honesty. I'm going to do both.

When we make it to the bar, I look back to see Lillian in conversation with her mother. No doubt trying to figure out why I'm over here talking to her father.

"Brayden, I have a feeling as to why you've requested my presence instead of addressing the issue at the table."

This man doesn't beat around the bush. I like him.

"What would you like to drink?"

"Son, shoot me straight here. Say it."

You might be thinking I'm either a complete asshole or completely insane. I'm sure I might be both to some degree, but George holds the key to my future with Lillian. And I know how traditional they are. Without a blessing, marrying Lillian is out of the question even if MAGIC! sings otherwise.

"Sir, I'm in love with Lillian. I think I fell in love with her when it wasn't right to fall for her. I want to ask your permission to marry her."

George looks from me back at his wife and daughter then back to me. "You know the last person to ask me that hurt her."

"I know sir, and I don't plan on making his mistake." I take a deep breath and come clean. Better say it now than have it come out later. "Honestly, right now Lil and I are friends. I'm returning home to close a relationship."

"Brayden, are you telling me you're with someone else, but you're in love with my daughter? Does Lily know about this?"

Damn. This was supposed to be easy. Now, I have to explain it better in hopes he gives me his blessing.

"I am, sir, however, I've realized that I’m completely in love with your daughter. Yes, Lil knows of my situation with Addison. It's not ideal, but when I thought I lost Lillian forever, I chose to take another path. One I regret going down. I wish I took the one that lead to your daughter in the first place." I give a slight laugh, and George eyes me questioningly. "I don't even know if she loves me."

"I've been around a bit longer than you, so I'll give you a little advice." He leans on the bar and looks to his wife. "That woman over there stole my heart the first time I laid eyes on her. It took me a while to figure out just how stupid I was if I let her go." He glances back at me and adds, "I wasn't in your same situation, but I think you get my point." I nod in agreement.

He moves his gaze on to Lillian. "No matter what you think or what she's said, my daughter's in love with you."

My heart speeds up, but my expression is disbelief. "How do you know?"

This is the second person to tell me Lil's in love with me. How can they know and not me? Are they right and she's not telling me? It's the situation we find ourselves in that's keeping her closed off. I know it is.

He looks back to me and squares his shoulders. "Do you think I would call just anyone son?"

"I guess not, but I was hopeful it was a good sign."

"It is. I saw how she looks at you. I look at her mother the same way. I can see it in her eyes and yours. My suggestion? Be honest with her and honest with yourself. If this thing with you and Addison is coming to a close, do that before saying anything to Lillian. If Lil feels the same way after, come see me."

Oddly enough, I’m not disappointed. He’s looking out for Lil, which is to be expected. However, I’m leaving here with some definite positives. He calls me son. He knows Lillian loves me. And he gave me advice with the opportunity to meet up with him again after his daughter reciprocates my feelings. I didn’t get George’s blessing yet, but all-in-all, I’d say this trip has been extremely productive.

Chapter 24

Lillian

Today is my first official photo shoot as a GQ staff photographer. To say I am ecstatic is the understatement of the year. My elation is magnified by so many other aspects of my life following the positive path my career has taken. My life looks promising and bright for the first time in months.

In the two weeks Brayden and I stayed in Tampa, Nora and I talked, my dad took his first steps toward healing, and I've utterly fallen in love with Brayden Knight. Although I didn't spend much time with Nora, we did promise to start contacting each other. I feel it's better we start this way.

I got to spend some much needed time with my parents, and I can tell they love Brayden. I mean who wouldn't want to spend time with an intelligent, caring, and swoon worthy man? Even though my time was limited with them, I still made the best of it. Having Brayden by my side supporting me through my whirlwind of emotions with my dad's diagnosis helped.

Many things in my life currently revolve around Brayden. Anywhere I go I see him. I can see him in my apartment or at my studio. I can see us walking down Fifth Avenue or stopping by the coffee house by my place. He's the first person I see when I get up and the last before I go to bed, thanks to his picture. Call it being blinded by love or just crazy, but ever since he flew down to Tampa something is different about him. He's more of a flirt, and little gestures like holding my hand or kissing my cheek have become more frequent. They make me forget that our situation is still the way it was before we left. He's still engaged.

Instead of letting memories of Brayden consume me before my shoot, I decide to get everything prepared. While I'm setting up lighting equipment and making sure the dressing room is completed, I receive a package.

As I open it, I feel a huge smile play across my face. It's the photos from the GQ shoot of Brayden and his brother. I had the company enlarge the pictures on their own canvas instead in one huge frame. Two images are horizontal 24"x12" shots and two are vertical 12"x24" shots. All four have both brothers and they're playful and fun and extremely gorgeous to look at. I’ll give you one guess who's my favorite. I go to hang the pictures on the wall I designated and stand to admire my work.

About five minutes later, I hear a knock at my studio door. When I open it, I have a weird feeling I've seen this woman before.

"Hi, you must be Lillian Anderson," The gorgeous woman says with a smile on her beautiful face. She's as stunning as I thought a model would be in person.

"Yeah, hello. Please come in." I gesture for her to enter then try to figure out where I've seen her before. "I'm sorry, but you look extremely familiar."

The pretty woman smiles and a line of straight pearly white teeth shines on her face. "I'm glad we're getting the chance to formally meet, Miss Anderson. I'm Addison. Addison James."

I'm trying not to wig out as I realize where I've seen this woman before. This is Brayden's fiancée. This was the woman on Brendan's arm when I saw him all those weeks ago in Times Square. Why any guy would choose me over her is nuts. Even I'm not embarrassed to tell you this woman is gorgeous.

I have to put a good face on. I can't let my emotions show. She's going to marry Brayden. Smiling, I offer her my hand.

"It's a pleasure to meet you Miss James. I've heard only good things about you."

While most people see that line is fake, it's far from it. I've never heard Brayden speak ill or complain about Addison is any way. From what I know, she's a nice person that's willing to sacrifice for the ones she loves, and I respect her for that.

"The pleasure is mine. I was hoping we could meet sometime. If this is too awkward, I could set up something else with the magazine."

"No. Don't be silly. It's perfectly fine. The session usually takes about an hour to complete. I'll see you to the dressing room."

As I walk Addison toward the room, she eyes me. Not in a creepy way, but I'm sure in a this-is-who-is-spending-time-with-my-fiancé way. I feel the need to speak to her about it, but I don't think she wants to hear about Brayden and I spending the last month hanging out together. That's gotta make any woman jealous.

She walks into the dressing room quietly as I tell her what the magazine wants and what to expect when we start shooting. She seems comfortable despite the fact she knows I've had personal time with her fiancé. I start to feel guilty, but I know I can't let that show. I have a job to do.

A few minutes later, she emerges from the room in a white silk robe, bare legs and feet. Her blonde hair is long and in loose curls with strands of pink and purple. I can't help but compliment her of her choice of color. It's fun and different and completely unlike what I expected a model's hair to look like.

"I absolutely love your hair, Miss James," I say politely.

"Please call me Addy. I feel like I know you already, and thank you. I got it done recently." She looks a bit shy but still smiles.

I smile back then switch into professional mode. I need this mode now because the next thirty to forty-five minutes I'm going to see this woman naked...well, mostly naked.

I hand Addy a long sheer piece of fabric and instruct her on how we're going to proceed. With her back to me, she releases the robe and is standing in white lace boy shorts waiting for further direction.

"Hold the fabric between both hands behind your back. Lift your left hand up letting the sheer mold to your back." She does as instructed holding the material on an angle between her lifted left hand and her right hand that's pointed down to the ground. "Great. Now turn your body slightly to your right." As she turns, I can see just a glimpse of the under swell of her breast come into view. "Perfect."

I take more pictures with her back toward the camera, but the sheer material over slung over her shoulder, her right hand straight above her head letting the material hand just to the right of her lace clad rear, and more of the material running under her left leg while she's holding the ends behind her and to her left. The images are sensual, flirty, and will probably make any guy who looks at them hot and bothered.

Addison goes to change two more times into different color boy shorts. One using a matching T-shirt as the prop and another using just her hands as a cover over her perfectly shaped breasts. I'm envious and not the least bit ashamed to say so.

I can also see why Brayden's marrying her. She's funny and genuine. She doesn't act like she's above you or that you don't matter. We talk about how she started in modeling and a little bit of her life in the south. I told her a bit about college in Miami and some stories about Nora and I's stupidity when drinking. By the end of the session, I could honestly see myself being her friend.

When she's dressed and walking out of the dressing room, she looks a little uneasy. Why should she be? We just spent the better part of an hour with her practically naked.

"Lillian, do you have a few minutes you could spare?"

"Sure. You were my only client today."

I walk over to the small sofa Brayden put in as a gift after I signed the papers. I offer her a seat and occupy the space next to her.

"I wanted to talk to you about Brayden." She's finally addressing the big elephant in the room we're managed to avoid for an hour. "I saw him when he got back from his trip to Tampa, and he looked heartbroken. I didn't know why until about five months later. He told me about your time together."

"Addy, I was engaged then, and he never told me he was with anyone. I was honest about my relationship status with him from the beginning. Nothing happened and nothing will happen. We are strictly friends." As much as my words are trying to reassure her I am not going to take her man, I still feel that hint of sadness that my words are somehow true, and Brayden will never be mine.

"I appreciate your honesty. I actually wanted to tell you what happened the night I found him in his office. I believe that was your wedding night." I nod my head not sure what Brayden actually told her. I keep quiet and let her continue. "He was a mess, and for me to say that about Bray is a big deal. He's controlled and I've never seen him lose that control.

"He was slumped over his desk with a bottle of tequila in one hand and a picture of you in the other. I was a little shocked to see he had a picture of another woman, but it made me think of how unlike Brayden his behavior was. I knew then you meant something to him."

All this time, all the worry I had from the time I left him standing there in Tampa, and all the doubt I had in the months leading up to my failed wedding, Addison is here saying I meant something to him. Why didn't he call me or contact me somehow? If he just would have reached out.

But why would he? I gave him no impression I felt the same. No glimpse as to how I was fighting off my body's reaction to him. No inkling our time together was anything more than a fleeting friendship that was destined to end.

"Addison, I-"

"Please hear me out. I couldn't stand to see him so confused and hurt. I'm not blaming you. You didn't know. He told me you were honest with him, but what Brayden does is keep people at a distance so he doesn't get hurt. He's scared, Lillian."

I nod knowing what she's talking about. "His parents."

"Yeah. He's so scared to end up like them. Jumping from one marriage to the next. He's scared to give his heart to someone only to have it ripped from his chest. I believe that's why he's taken so long to propose to me, which I believe he did as a knee jerk reaction after that night.

"Don't get me wrong. I love Brayden. He's one of my best friends, and I don't think I could have survived the aftermath of my previous relationship without him. He was my rock, and I'm grateful to be in his life.

"When he told me he met back up with you, it felt like a sign. I don't know fate, destiny, hell, something telling me I needed to let him make sure he was 100% sure I was who he wanted...and he was who I wanted. I didn't want him to marry me because I was second best or a consolation prize. I want to be someone's only."

I keep quiet but nod in agreement. I know exactly what she means. When you look down that aisle, you want to see eyes that express much more in their depths that can ever be expressed in words. I know I didn't have that with Damon.

"I'm not telling you this to upset you or come off as an overprotective jealous woman coming to scratch your eyes out. I'm not like that. I wanted to tell you that I love him, but I love him enough to let him love you because I know he does. He's in love with you, Lillian."

Now, I can't help my let my mouth drop open and almost start to cry. I don't know this woman, and she's telling me her fiancé, the person she loves, the person promised to commit to her for the rest of his life, the person
I'm
in love with is in love with
me
. I don't think I can form words if I tried right now. The shock and awe of it all has me dazed.

"I wanted to tell you face-to-face. I'm actually on my way to his office now. I'm going to tell him the wedding’s off. He deserves a lifetime of happiness that I know he can get that with you."

"Addison, I don't know," I say shakily. "You love him."

"I do, but you're
in
love with him, Lillian. And to me, that means everything."

I do love him. I am in love with him. I can't deny that anymore. I can't even deny that to Addison. My eyes look toward my knotted hands.

"You do love him don't you?"

I have to be honest. I haven't told anyone how I feel about Brayden. Hell, I just really figured it out myself not too long ago. However, sitting here talking to Addison as if she's my best friend, I open up and disclose my heart.

"Yes, I'm in love with him."

Her lip starts to quiver, and I can tell she's on the verge of tears. Tears from my confession or the fact I love her fiancé. I don't know which, but I have to explain so she doesn't hate me before she even knows me.

"When we met in Tampa, I thought I was the happiest person in the world. I was engaged to a good man, I had the friendship of my best friend, and the love and support of my family. I thought I had everything until Brayden walked up and talked to me.

"It was like something shifted in me. Even though I was promised to another man, I couldn't help but feel the fire that ignited on my skin when she shook my hand. It was like space and time stilled for that one moment when my hand was in his."

Addy took my hands in hers and gave them a light squeeze to continue speaking. "We talked about some photos I took, and then he told me he had to leave but he wanted to see me again. I rambled off a place I would go and take pictures sometime, but I never gave him my number just in case I rationalized my reaction to him later on.

"For hours that day I sat on the beach replaying our conversation and the feelings inside me. I could only compare them to the feelings I had with Damon, which failed to seem similar. I knew in my heart something was different about Brayden.

"In those three weeks, I let myself open up to someone I felt could keep my secrets and share my experiences. It was liberating, and at the same time scary as hell. When it was time for him to leave, I told myself it was for the best. I couldn't break my promise to Damon. I wasn't raised that way."