Doubting Our Hearts (25 page)

Chapter 31

Brendan

The last half hour slumped on my apartment floor with my brother has been bizarre. I tried to ignore his text by going over the last couple weeks in my head. No contact from him. He's not once come to see Addison in the hospital. He's not once picked up the phone himself and called me or the hospital. It's all been through Candice.

No matter what I said to myself, I still felt like I’d done him an injustice by secretly pining for the woman he was engaged to. So much of all of this is so messed up. When I walked out of the elevator and saw him, he looked as bad as I felt. All of my ill feelings drained out of me as I prepared for what his "talk" was supposed to be about.

I knew from the last time I saw him he was upset and hurt. Perhaps, I should have taken a more firm route and punched him for his lack of attendance at the hospital, but the thought of actually fighting my brother didn't appeal to me or the situation. So, I took the path I should have taken when I realized I had feelings for Addison, truth.

"Why? Why didn't you tell me before?" My brother asks as he grabs us each a beer out the fridge and sits across from me one leg propped up and the other extended on the hardwood. "Bren, there were so many times, God. I can't imagine what you've felt all these years."

No, I don't believe he's known what I've felt watching him hug and kiss the girl I was in love with in front of me, and I had to do it without show my true feelings. I just shrug trying not to show how truly awful those times made me feel. "She was your girl, Bray. It wasn't right, and we always said we wouldn't fight over a woman."

"But, God, bro." He head falls, staring at the floor. "Even after that episode in my office, you told me to propose to Addy. Why would you do that if you loved her? I just don't understand."

But, I've been wrong. I think now he knows even marginally what I've felt like because he's felt that type of yearning for Lillian. Loving her from afar but not close enough to have her. Despite the circumstances, still wanting her to be happy.

Sacrifice.

"There's always been a fanfare of girls around me. I chose to go that route to secure my heart would never hurt like I've seen mom and dad hurt. You were a bit better at handling it than I was. You excelled at everything and didn't treat women like I did. If anyone deserves to be happy, it's you.

"So when you introduced me to Addison, you look so happy and so did she. I knew I had to hide my attraction, not just for me but for your happiness too...and subsequently hers. Instead of acting on my feelings, I reverted back to hiding behind a line of women"

I drank a few sips of beer and let him soak up what I'd just said. I needed to tell him everything, to lay it all on the line. If anyone in this world would accept me, it would be my brother.

"I never told her I cared for her beyond a friend." Brayden picks up his head and stared at me. This was one of his issues and I knew it, if I betrayed him. And of course, I didn't. "I never told her how I felt. I never hinted or suggested I could be anything more than a friend. I couldn't...no, I
wouldn't
ever disrespect or betray your trust like that. It's too valuable to me."

"Thank you. I'm sorry I flipped out at the hospital, and I haven't been there since I stormed out. There's no excuse beyond my own stubbornness and selfishness. I've been idiot."

We both drink the rest of our beer, and I get up to replace the empty bottles so we can continue talking. After a few minutes, he's the one to break the silence first.

"So you haven't told her you're in love with her?"

"Why would I do that? Technically, you're still engaged to her. I did have dinner with her then later met with her and Teenie at a club to watch over them." Brayden only nods slightly. He doesn't get upset or accuse me of anything, which makes me feel just a bit better, even if it's just minimally.

"I've done some thinking the past few months. Spending time with Lillian and having those couple weeks in Tampa with her were...eye-opening." He looks through the clear of the Corona bottle, thinking. I only wait, hoping he sees what I've been seeing since he came back from Florida the first time he met Lillian. He lets out a sigh then confesses what I've known for months. "I'm in love with her, Bren."

I let out the breath I wasn't aware I was holding as the glorious words rolled out of his mouth. He's going to call of the wedding, and Addy and I will have a chance together.

"I can't explain it. I've tried to compare Lil and Addy, but there’s no comparison. What I feel for Lillian is so far beyond the realm of anything I've had with Addison.

"Want to know what more of an asshole I am?" He asks slightly smiling and letting out a short laugh.

"What?"

"I even asked Lil's father if I could marry her."

"You've got to be kidding me." I’m shocked now. It took a good year for my brother to even talk about a proposal to Addison and then he hadn't even gone to Tampa yet. He meets Lillian, is tied up in knots over her for months, proposes to another woman when he thinks he'll never have Lil, and within a few weeks of reconnecting with her, he's asking her father's permission to marry her.

"Nah. You know what's even better?"

"I can't think what's better than all of that going on."

"If she reciprocates my feelings, I think he’ll give me his blessing," he replies with a true smile.

"He knows you're engaged to another woman and asking for his daughter's hand in marriage?" I knew I was messed up, but I don't even think I would have the balls to do that.

"I was completely honest. He told me he knows Lily's in love with me." A sad smile dawns his face and reaches into his pocket. "Too bad that's not true," he says as he hands me the small square box. "I would have given her this."

I open the box and stare at the platinum engagement ring and pull the ring from the velvet. The bottom half of the band is smooth, whereas the top and setting are covered with small diamonds. The setting is nice, but it only sets the stage for the two carat pink princess cut diamond nestled in its claws. I turn it slightly between my fingers and an inscription catches my eye.

"My Nirvana," I read. I look up to my brother as he gazes at the ring. I return it to its resting place, close the lid and hand it back to him. I figure since he told me his heart, I should tell him mine. "I'm in love with Addy."

"I realize that, now. And just so you know, the wedding’s off."

"Well, it was either that or I would interrupt your wedding." I gave a short laugh, but Brayden face winced and didn't look pleased at all. "What?"

"N-Nothing. Trust me it won't get that far. I'm going to talk with Addy when she wakes up. I should have met her somewhere the day I came back. She was on her way to meet me that day."

"What day?" I questioned, wanting to know everything he did.

"The day of the accident. She called the office and wanted to meet with me. I'm thinking it's kind of strange now. She never wants to meet me. It was always texts or calls to my cell. Meetings were not her thing."

As he finished off the rest of his beer, my mind wanders at this new information. Could she have been going to break off the engagement or tell him what a complete ass I was at the club and then at my apartment?

None of that matters unless she wakes up and I see those gorgeous crystal blue eyes I'm begging to confess my love to.

"She's going to wake up. She's strong, so I have the utmost faith she's going to come out of this." Even though he seemed convinced, his reassurance didn't do much for my heart.

Every time I think of Addison waking up, I'm happy then saddened that her mind might completely shut me out. Spending the last couple years wanting one woman with the possibility of being completely wiped from her memory is more than I can handle now, even if the doctors and nurses say the chances of that happening are slim. It still could happen.

I can't think of that now, but it also reminds me that I need to get back to the hospital. We've been talking for a while now.

"I know she will. But back to you. Have you told Lillian you're in love with her and has she called you back?"

The look on his face lets me know neither has happened. I didn't need to hear him voice his reply. I understood, but he did respond. "Yeah, I don't think confessing I'm in love with her would go over well if I'm still engaged. I needed to fix that when we got back, which has been delayed. Anyway, what are you talking about calling me back? I never called her in the first place."

"Do you not remember when I first got to the hospital and asked if you were going to call Lillian? I took your phone and left a voicemail. I told her Addy got in an accident and explained where you were. I figured you might need her." Does he really not remember when that happened?

"Vaguely. No, not really. That evening was a blur. I haven't gotten a call or text, but I haven't tried to call or text her either. I've been so out of it recently I can't focus. Between you and Addy then not having Lil around me has made completely detached from reality."

I knew he's been in love with Lillian for a while now, and he's admitted it. He's called off the engagement, which he still has to discuss with Addison. We've talked over our brotherly issues and come to a amicable resolution. Right now, the one thing that will help Brayden get back on track is hearing from Lillian.

"Look, I have to take a shower, eat, and get back to the hospital. Addy's parents may have already left, and I need to be there if she wakes up."

"Yeah, thanks for talking with me. I appreciate it. Give Addy a hug from me. I'll stop by to check on you guys." He starts to get up and walk toward the door.

"Wait." He turns and the sadness he's had still remains in his eyes. "Why don't you try and contact Lillian while I take a shower. We can get something to eat then go see Addy together. I know she’d be glad to know you're there." As much as I know he loves Lillian, he's always been Addy's friend first. He got her through a tough time with her ex, and since I don't have any specific background on that relationship, she does value his friendship just as much.

"Yeah, that'd be nice."

"Give me thirty minutes, and I should be good to go."

I start to move the table back to its original location and look up to see my brother typing out a text to Lillian on his phone. I hope things start looking up for us, but the immediate future looks bleak. Addy's showing no signs of waking up, and Lillian hasn't contacted my brother in two weeks. I'm not sure if that's normal behavior for her, but I hope, for his sake, she'll give him a chance to let her know how he feels about her. My hope for me is that Addison let's me do the same thing.

Chapter 32

Brayden

Need to see you. Please call me.

I keep checking my phone every few minutes since I sent that text to Lillian. My brother was right. I need to mend what my stupidity has broken between me and Lil. However, here I am walking the halls of the hospital with Brendan and still no response from Lil.

I can smell the distinct scent of the hospital, but it's now overrun with the delicious aromas of pepperoni, cheese, and marinara sauce. I've suggested we eat before entering the hospital, but Brendan swears Addy will wake up anytime. And having pizza when that happens will make her that much happier.

I wish he was right.

He's holding so much hope for Addy's return from dreamland that I’d hate to see what would happen if that hope dwindled.

As we push our way through the double doors leading to the intensive care unit, nurses turn toward our direction. One nurse smiles wide and walks in our direction.

She's pretty with brown hair secured in a ponytail and kind hazel eyes. She's possibly the shortest person I've met, looks like only five feet tall. Her black and white paisley printed scrubs would make me slightly dizzy if I stared long enough, and the rolled cuffs of her pants just confirm her short stature. As if you wouldn't know by looking at her. She's comforting in a way like a little sister would be, if I had one, and I immediately like her.

"Mr. Knight. It looks like you brought me dinner," she says with a smile.

"Sure, as long as you call me Brendan. When's your break?" Brendan asks.

"I'm kidding. The boyfriend might come by later. Wouldn't want him to get jealous." When she looks around my brother and her eyes land on me, she looks a little surprised. "Oh!" Shocked, yes, but the reaction is something I'm used to now. The little thing assesses me further before finding her voice again. "Oh." Yeah, I think you said that already. She looks between my brother and me, then, if something miraculously came to her, the same sound comes out of her mouth again. "Oooh."

I tilt my head to the side a little confused by her comment. I know Brendan and I look almost identical, but I don't remember talking with this nurse the last time I was here. Then again, I don't remember much after losing my shit that night.

Luckily, Brendan’s here to make the situation less awkward. "Yeah. Sarah, this is my brother Brayden. Brayden, this is Sarah. She's Addy's nurse."

I extend my hand and give her a small smile. "It's nice to meet you, Sarah. I appreciate what you're doing with Addison." She grasp my hand and nods.

"It's my job, Mr. Knight. No thanks needed," Sarah replies and turns back to the nurse's station.

The sound of her 'oh' moment is still replying in my head. What does she now get? I don't understand.

As Brendan walks toward Addy room with the pizza, I step forward and tap Sarah on the shoulder. "Excuse me, if you don't mind me asking, what just happened?"

"What?"

"You said 'oh' like something just clicked. What does 'oh' mean exactly?" I don't know why I have to know this, but something tells me I have to know. "Please."

Sarah starts to wring her hands in front of her and her eyes dart between Addy's room and me. She starts to shake her head like she's not going to tell me.

"It's not my place to-"

"Look, I'm not upset nor will I get upset. I just need to know," I say as I cut her off from deflecting an answer.

Sarah finally meets my eyes, and they look sad for me. "It was just something that happened the night Miss James was admitted. I thought I knew what was happening. I was sad for her, but now, I think she misunderstood what was going on."

"What woman? Addison?"

Sarah looked back to make sure no one was paying attention to us then looked into Addison's room where my brother was eating pizza and taking to Addy. She started to speak watching my brother talk to Addy like she was awake and involved in the conversation.

"You don't remember me, but I was here the day Miss James came in. Well, maybe it was you. I don't think so now." Sarah let out a breath. "Anyway, I was coming back from lunch, and the other nurse on duty gave me the information on Miss James and told me her fiancé was in with her.

"About an hour later, a woman came in asking to see Miss James saying her fiancé asked her to meet him. I didn't think anything of it, and at the time, it was still visiting hours. I directed her to the room and went back to sitting at the desk.

"I looked up from my paperwork, and I wondered why the women didn't go in. She stayed outside the door watching your brother cry. It was one of the worse things I ever saw. The woman left shortly after. The look on her face was like she was devastated.

"I just assumed she cared for your brother and whatever he said broke her heart."

Sarah finally looked back and met my eyes. They weren't judging or accusing. All I saw was sympathy and acknowledgement. "I was wrong. I don't think that woman was here for your brother. I think she was here for you."

My vision became blurred as I started trying to figure out what happened that day through what Sarah just said.

"I'm sorry, Mr. Knight. I didn't mean to upset you. That was completely out of li-"

I cut her off before she could say anything else. "Did this woman have long brown hair and green eyes? And say about this tall?" I held up my hand to about chin level. That's about Lillian's height.

"Yes."

Had Lil really come here to see me and saw my brother instead? It would explain her lack of correspondence with me these past couple of weeks. It doesn't make sense. I thought Lillian could tell the difference between us now. Couldn't she?

I had to know for sure.

"Thanks, Sarah." She nodded and turned to sit at her desk, I looked at my brother eating his dinner and then to Addison in bed asleep. Walking into the room, I stop my brother's story time. "Did you know Lillian was here two weeks ago?"

"No. How do you know that? She's never been in here. It's either me, Addy's parents, and Tina, she comes when she doesn’t have to work. No one else."

I take the seat on the other side of Addison and runs my eyes over her broken body. The machines still make the same noises they did two weeks ago, and the same knot forms in my stomach by looking at her.

"Sarah said she saw a women watch you talk to Addy. Are you sure you never saw her?"

"Dude, I swear. That night after you left it was just me and Addison, no other visitors."

"Then she did think it was me," I breathed.

It makes sense. The silence. No calls. No texts. No nothing.

But why?

Why would she come all the way to the hospital knowing that Addison was here and walk away looking, how did the nurse describe her as...devastated?

As if a light bulb could get any brighter. My epiphany. My a-ha moment. The moment when you can see a Monet as clear as the artist himself pictured it.

Lillian loves me. There is no other explanation.

"God, I'm such a fool."

"I could've told you that bro." I looked up to see Brendan grin. "The question is what are you going to do about it?"

Good question. What was I going to do? I tried to text her, but as I look at my phone, still no response. I'm sure if I get no response with a text, calling will be useless too. I could go to her apartment, but she could be locked in there for days. I needed a plan and I needed one fast.

"I have no idea anymore. All of this, Addison, Lil, us...it's one big misunderstanding because I couldn't be honest with myself and speak the truth." My hands go into my hair and pull at the back of my neck.

"Then you need to speak up. It's now or never bro. You need to go get your girl before she's gone for good."

He's right. I've always thought Brendan's advice to be bullshit so I could figure out what not to do and pave my way on my own. What I'm finding lately is more reasons why I've been an asshole because my brother, in his own way, gives me some damn good advice.

"Tomorrow. I'll go find her tomorrow." I look down at Addison's sleeping form and feel more like a coward. "I owe it to Addy to stay with you guys."

We sit in silence as I eat my pizza and continue to think with the beeps and whoosh sounds coming from the machines. I've repaired one relationship, and I'll deal with Addison when she wakes up. Lillian is my priority.

I was slow to realize my feelings for Lil, fighting more with myself than anything. I know she loves me. Damon was right. Her father was right. Lillian Anderson loves me, and I'm going to prove to her once and for all I'm in love with her too.