Doubting Our Hearts (24 page)

Chapter 29

Brayden

Weak. Gutless. Spineless. Cowardly. All of these words describe who I've become the last couple weeks. I've only been out my office to take a shower, grab more clothes, and return to my office. After my phone call to Addison's mother the morning after the accident, I get Candice to field as many of them as possible.

"Madelyn?"

"Brayden, dear, is that you? It's been forever since I heard your voice. How’ve you been?"

I can imagine Madelyn James in her apron making breakfast for her husband or just dancing around the kitchen listen to the local country station. Her blonde hair clipped back out of her face and her blue eyes happy with contentment.

I lean my elbows on the edge of my desk and lean my head forward. This is the news no parent wants to hear, from the hospital or from their daughter's almost former fiancé.

God. And there's another subject we have yet to breach.

"There's been an accident."

The loud gasp was something I prepared myself for. I just had to make sure I told her everything I knew, and then she’d truly hate me for not keeping her only daughter safe.

"What happened to her? Where's my baby?"

"She's at Roosevelt Hospital here in the city. I've already secured you and Richard two tickets here. I just need to know what time you want to arrive."

"Of course I want to go now, but what happened Brayden? Tell me she's okay. She's okay, right?" She's begging, and I feel my emotions bubbling up trying to break through the surface. Her sobs increase as my silence get longer.

"Madelyn, Addy was in a hit and run. A car came around a corner and hit her while she was walking to my office. She's in the ICU in...in a coma." Her sobs are growing louder as I can hear Richard come in the ask what's going on. All I can hear Madelyn say through her crying is Addy's name.

"Hello?"

"Sir, it's Brayden. I'm so sorry. This is all my fault." Hearing both Addison's parents crying over the phone did me in in a big way.

We managed to set the time for the departure before we hung up, and I immediately made arrangements at the closet hotel to the hospital for their extended stay.

Ever since, Candice calls the hospital to get an update on Addison's condition for me. "Same as yesterday, sir. Stable but unresponsive." Somehow, I can't bring myself to see her like that especially knowing my brother is sitting right next to her.

My brother. I feel like the biggest fool not to see how he looks at her and how he's so willing to accompany her places. I can't fully shake the sense of betrayal I feel. I keeping thinking back to our talks about Lillian and Addison, the day after I thought I lost Lil forever, the day of the photo shoot, and our conversation in his apartment. Each one felt like he understood where I was coming from and how hard it was for me to figure out what to do. Could this be because he was harboring the same emotions toward Addison? I want to conclude his advice was genuine instead of a ploy to get me away from Addy for his own selfish gain, but then I focus on the one conversation in my office four months ago, and get even more confused.

"Bray! What the hell are you doing man? You go ga-ga over a girl now you're drinking yourself to oblivion alone in your office? Get yourself together man!" Brendan shouts while shaking me awake from my chaise as the bright lights beam into the small slits my eyes are making.

I cover my face with my arm and it reeks of alcohol. How much did I have to drink last night? All I remember is drinking and looking at Lillian's picture wishing she didn't marry the ass who cares more about his job and her best friend than to spend quality time with her.

I know every inch of that picture now. It's emblazoned in my brain. It's not only her beauty, but her personality that's hooked me. Everything about our time together is on repeat, and it's all I think about.

"Did you hear me, dumbass? Either talk to me or I'll find a way to get it out of you."

God, he's a persistent little shit.

"Whaat? What is it you need to know to shut up and leave me alone?"

"I need to know what's going on with you. You drink every night, you barely ever go home, and to top it off, you spill your guts to Addison and not your own brother."

I remove my arm from my face and stare at my brother. What on earth did I tell Addy and when did I even see her? She's either off on a modeling gig or running around with her friend Tina.

"What did she say I said to her?"

"I called this morning asking if she's seen you, and she told me she came here last night. Strangely, she wasn't upset, but explained to me in a very vague way about some woman you met in Florida and how she was getting married. Confused the hell of out me, so here I am." Miraculously, Brendan thrusts a cup of coffee in my hands, waits for me to grasp it, and sits next to me. "Tell me what has you so messed up, brother."

And I told him everything. The more I talked the more the previous night came back to me. What I told Addison and her reaction or rather her lack of reaction. It's like she either knew what I was going to say or she didn't care, but her response showed me she cared. I don't get it.

"You're telling me you told Addy that you practically have been messed up over some gorgeous woman, who was supposed to be just a friend and was getting married and she didn't flip out on you?"

Well, when he says it like that, it does sound sort of crazy.

"Yeah, I guess that's what I'm saying."

Once we touched on the subject of Addison, her reaction, and Brendan and I's reaction to her obvious not normal response, he gave me more to think about.

"I think you're completely off your rocker, but I’ll tell you this. Even I know Addison is a great girl, which I'm sure your Lillian is too. However, Lillian made her decision. As much as I can see that’s hurting you, you deserve to be happy. I know Addy loves you, and while I disagree that this is how you should come to this decision, maybe all of this is telling you to propose to Addison. You both deserve to be happy, bro. I mean that."

His parting words are what's sticking with me now. Even though I proposed to Addison a few weeks after that discussion, it was Brendan's words that persuaded me.

Now, I've come to realize just how stupid I really was. I shouldn't need my brother to convince me to propose. I should have taken that step with love to guide me and hope that she’d say yes. But I know now what was stopping me, my love for Lillian.

What's even more clear to see now is Addison's feelings towards me and Brendan's feelings towards her. Addy loved me enough to let me go
twice
because she knew I couldn't love her the way I love Lil. Not to mention my brother did exactly what Addy did. He was pushing me toward Addy so I could be happy by hiding his feelings for her.

For some reason, I feel all of this could have been avoided if I would have just told Lillian and Addison how I felt and been completely honest with both of them from the beginning. No wonder it took me so long to propose to Addy, but even in our cluster fuck of a situation, I felt it right to ask George for Lillian's hand in marriage.

I need to start making this right, and it begins with my brother. Although I haven't spoken to my brother or Lillian since that day two weeks ago, I have to try and rectify what's been broken partially by my lack of honesty.

I was hoping we could get together and

talk. I have some things that I need to

say face to face.

Now, all I can do is wait and see if he'll take me up on my offer. This is my chance to fix what I so clearly messed up.

******

Three hours.

Longest time ever for me to wait for the ding of my phone for an incoming text from my only sibling. I knew he'd be mad I hadn't gone to see Addison since that first night, but he also knew I was upset.

Meet me at my place at 2. Madelyn

and Richard are visiting with Addy

after lunch. I can get away to take

a shower and change then talk.

See you at 2.

I ask Candice to hold everything off until I get my personal business with my brother under control. I'm half tempted to say he's gonna try and kick my ass. Yes. Fifty percent of my brain’s telling me to get ready for a fight.

On my way toward my brother's apartment building, I purposely pass Lillian's studio loft. Given the fact I haven't spoken to her in two weeks nor has she attempted to call me is probably a sure sign she hates me, regardless of our recent time together.

However, I can't focus on that now. First things first, Brendan. Come clean. Make amends. Then most likely kick myself for waiting this long to figure it all out.

As I arrive at my brother's door, I take a steely breath and knock. And wait.

And wait.

And wait some more.

I begin to think he's either ignoring me or standing me up when the elevator dings from behind me and he emerges.

Damn, my brother looks drained. He's definitely losing weight, and the redness in his eyes tells me he's upset. This makes me feel exponentially worse considering Addison’s still technically my fiancée. I should be at the hospital feeling like he's feeling. It makes me feel more like the coward I am.

His step falters slightly, he clenches his free hand into a fist as the other hand grips his gym bag with just as much force.

He approaches as I stuff my hands in my pockets. "Hey."

"Hey."

He focuses on opening his door and not making eye contact with me. This feeling in my gut is screaming at me to be prepared for the boxing match that could go down at any minute. I want to leave, but Brendan and I have never gotten in a fist fit before, well, not since we graduated high school. Then again, we've never been at odds over a woman before either.

We walk in and I close the door behind me. When I turn back, Brendan’s moving his table toward the wall adjacent to his guest bathroom.

I look at him questionably but remain silent. The space is set. He's given us about a hundred square foot area to throw down. His mind's made up. He's looking for a fight. Right now, I'm not in a mood to fight. I need to explain.

I step forward into the space he's allotted and wait for him to take his position a few feet in front of me. The whole time he doesn't look at me, head cast downward. I can't tell if he's going to actually punch me or if he's waiting for me to punch him. This is
not
the person I grew up with.

Five feet from one another, I fold my arms over my chest. His arms hang by his side and his head still looking toward the ground. When he does speak, it's not what I expect.

"Go ahead. I know you wanna do it. Get it out of your system."

My arms drop along with my jaw. "You think I
want
to fight you?"

"I'm sure that's why you asked me to talk. Just do it. I won't fight back."

"Why?" It's a stupid question, but one that rolled off my tongue too quickly for me to stop.

It's then that he looks up making eye contact. I can see the emotion in them. So much anguish and pain. However, if I didn't know by his eyes that Addison meant the world to him, his words sealed the deal.

"Because I have nothing if she doesn't survive."

It's one statement that tells me so much. I did what any brother would do if the he was told the woman his brother was in love with was laying in the hospital and may not wake up. I stepped toward him and wrapped him in my arms as we both sunk to the ground and cried.

Chapter 30

Lillian

2:15 p.m.

Can the time move any slower? I sit and mess with a setting on my camera before looking up to the clock on the wall again.

2:16 p.m.

I'm pathetic.

Avoidance. I've never done this before, which is why it's probably taken its toll on me like it has. It's the only way I've been able to cope over the last fourteen days without breaking down and trying to call, text, or even show up at Brayden's office or the hospital.

This foreign way of coping is throwing me off balance in a completely unusual way. Once you avoid to deal with a problem, it doesn't miraculously go away; it just festers inside you and breads the same mechanism...avoidance.

I've avoided my friends, calls from my family, messages from Nora, and anything that has to do with Brayden Knight. Riley and the girls try and text me to go out, but I politely decline, not wanting to hear their sad voices when I shoot them down. Jenny and Faith leave voicemails about being upset I didn't contact them while I was in Florida. I would've liked to see them, but the trip wasn't about them. Nora tried calling once, but then decided texts were probably better. She says she has some news she wants to tell me, but I can only think it has something to do with Damon. And, really, I don't wanna hear about them getting married. Just elope and don't tell me.

After purging my studio and apartment of the guy who broke my heart, Riley was there to ring in the next day in a haze of wine and loud music. It reminded me of the couple days I took to do the same thing when I arrived in New York. However, that ache didn't burn like this one did. Or rather, still does. That ache, as hard as it was for me to deal with, was a slow throb compared to the agony my heart was going through now. And it was all over one man.

The girls would show up at my apartment sporadically throughout the last two weeks trying to convince me to leave my place and go have fun. I couldn't. My head and heart weren't in it.

I was having withdrawals of warm chocolate eyes, strong cut arms, and the best set of washboard abs ever imagined. Regardless of his physical attractiveness, Brayden was so much more than his exterior. We would joke and laugh and share. Sharing being the word that always surprised me. Although we've had a difficult time to open up about issues in our past surrounding our friendship, he's always been so easy to talk to about everything else, my job, my friends, college, photography.

All of the good memories and the times I knew I was falling in love with him led me to do the one thing that was so unlike me, avoid.

I was tempted to go back to Florida a few days ago. It wasn't that something major was happening there; it was the fact I felt I couldn't be in a city where Brayden and I couldn't be the friends we were. But I'm no quitter. My parents instilled that value into me when I was younger. Finish what you start and do it to the best of your ability.

I didn't know if my job had an end or even if my time in New York would come to an end. I loved the city as well as my new position. So, I was utterly grateful and surprised to hear my phone ring and see Jerry O'Connor calling to get my thoughts away from the island I made around myself.

"Lillian Anderson."

"Lillian, how are you?"

Jerry seemed happy today. I was anything but. However, if he was happy, maybe I was about to share in some of that. God knows I needed some now.

"I'm...well," I said unsurely. "How can I help you, Mr. O'Connor?"

"Actually, I would like to send you on assignment."

My ear perked up for the first time since seeing Brayden breakdown over Addison's unconscious body.
Send me on assignment
must mean I would be getting out of New York, and it couldn't come at a better time to get away.

"I wanted to get you out to Florida tomorrow and have a few shoots with some models down on the beach. Would you be up to that?"

Would I be up to getting out of New York and going back home to take pictures? Hell yeah!

"Sir, I would love to take the trip."

"Excellent. I'll have Susan send you your ticket information and itinerary."

I knew from previous jobs I needed to ask more information. I'd be shooting models, okay, but where in Florida exactly?

"I'll be looking for her correspondence. Sir, where in Florida am I going and how long is this trip?"

"It's two weeks. You'll fly down to Miami for a week then head down to the Keys for the other half. You'll fly back here from Miami. If I remember correctly, you're from Florida."

"Yes, sir, I am."

"Then it should give you some time to visit with friends and family. I'll be in touch, Lillian."

"Thank you. I appreciate it."

Once I hung up, I laid on the couch Brayden gave me. Even after everything we've said and my new way of dealing - better yet not dealing -  with the situation, I couldn't let go of this couch. It was comfortable and reminded me of him. At least I wouldn't need to see it for the next two weeks.

Yes. For two weeks, I could fly to Miami, visit with my sisters, and spend another week on the gorgeous beaches of the Florida Keys. I could do this, and I needed the space from my existence here in the city.

I told you avoidance spawned more avoidance. At least this time, someone else paved my way to the inevitable.

******

"YAY! Jenny! Guess what. Lil is come to visit us!"

I hold the phone away from my face about two feet, and I can still hear my sister Faith screaming after I told her the news.

"Yes, as long as you don't scream like that the entire time I'm there we'll be good."

"Is it true? Are you really coming to hang out with us?" Jenny asked breathlessly. No doubt she ran and tackled our youngest sister to the floor.

Jenny and Faith live together in Miami. Jenny got transferred from Jacksonville to Miami with her company after she was promoted. She's now an executive assistant for some insanely rich technology mogul. Jenny acquired the apartment about a month after I moved to New York. Although Faith agreed to stay in the dorms because she knew Jenny needed her privacy, Jenny demanded Faith share her space when Faith moved to Miami for her freshman year at the University of Miami. I thought it was strange the decisiveness Jenny possessed about living with Faith, but I knew there was more to her situation than she would ever let on. I never pried, and as her sister, she knew she could come to me to talk about anything. I hope this trip I could dive in her issues rather than poke around mine.

"Would I tell you I'm coming and not show up? I've missed sister time with both of you. I know you guys have lots to fills me in on," I say trying to steer the conversation towards their lives and away from mine.

"You too! God, New York must be amazing," Jenny replied dreamily.

"Yeah, it's fine. Look, I'll send you the details when I have them. I think I'm coming in tomorrow evening. You two better be waiting for me. I've missed you."

"We'll be there. We've missed you too!"

"We love you, Lil." I heard Faith yell from the background.

"Yeah, we love you, Lil," Jenny reiterated.

"Love y'all too. See you tomorrow."

I hang up with the first smile on my face in two weeks. Time with my sisters is exactly what I need. Just some time with my camera and a beach, hanging out with my sisters having girl time, and no, I mean absolutely no, Brayden Knight.