Doubting Our Hearts (19 page)

"Yes," She says finally. "It was my wedding day."

I'm silently urging her to continue, but I show no other sign of encouragement. I'm just waiting for her to explain what happened. She didn't marry him, and I know it was Damon who had the change of heart.

"It started out like everything I always dreamed, well, minus my best friend acting funny. Everyone looked happy or maybe that was how I perceived it." She shakes her head a couple of times before taking some calming breaths. She's quiet for another minute, but she's staring at her thumbs movement over my knuckles. It's a soft touch and I can't deny the burning feeling her touch elicits on my skin. Another minute passes before she begins again. "Anyways, I get up to the alter and hold Damon's hands, and something about the moment makes me tense like it's wrong in some way."

It wasn't right because it wasn't me.

There's another one of those wayward thoughts that kinda freaks me out a little. How can I think that with so many reservations I have about marrying the right woman?

"When Father Collins said that horrible line..."

"What line?"

"You know. That line that makes everyone in the church look back and forth wondering which person is going to stand up and object to the marriage."

"Oh. Yeah, I've heard that line a time or two."

"Well, that's when I heard Nora tell me she can't watch us get married."

"Nora? Your best friend?"

I had a feeling there was something going on with Damon and her best friend Nora. Working at the same company doesn't throw up any red flags but working late nights continuously surely does. However, Lillian always does see the good in people; I'm sure she didn't connect the two at the time since she was submerged in wedding plans and work herself.

"What did Damon say?" I ask trying to get some more information on the aftermath of Nora's objection.

"I asked him if he felt the same and he confirmed his feelings. I was upset and hurt but also highly embarrassed. I didn't make a scene by yelling and screaming. My parents taught me better than that. Instead, I told them I would never forgive them, and they should have told me sooner."

I don't remember ever imagining this possibility. The one where she is hurt beyond belief. I could tell Damon crushed her but never to this extent. I'm aching for her, but oddly satisfied that she didn't marry that asshole. Does that make me an asshole too? I mean what loser waits until the wedding to reveal to his wife-to-be that he's in love with someone else? And then, I immediately think of the situation we find ourselves in and some of her reactions and remarks. It makes sense now. She's afraid I'm like Damon and will ruin Addison.

I close my eyes tightly to try and sort through my thoughts. Lillian doesn't have a hateful bone in her body. She’s caring, compassionate, loving, enthusiastic about her work, and takes into consideration the feelings of other's around her, all of which make her the most incredible woman I've ever met.

I let out a long breath. I would give anything to take this pain away from her so she's not burdened with it anymore. I want to protect her from harm and prevent anyone from hurting her emotionally ever again. I want to shower her with the affection she deserves not just because she needs it but because I want to give it to her.

I’ve always been the one ruled by my emotions underneath my controlled exterior. Lillian is right there wrapped up in everything I feel. I know I am unequivocally falling hard for this extraordinary woman.

Chapter 22

Lillian

Brayden isn't saying anything, and it's making me nervous. Telling him about that day wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I know he's understanding and doesn't judge me, but I've deliberately kept certain aspects of the ceremony out of the explanation. In my defense, I don't think he would be able to handle me hallucinating him before I walk down the aisle to another man. He would think I was insane. However, it doesn't make the feeling I'm lying to him go away any quicker.

In an attempt to lighten the mood, I say, "See? I told you it was depressing?"

When his warm chocolate eyes open to mine, I smile, but I see the intensity my body never could deny. I could sense him breaking through my half truths to the crux of what I battled with for months before that dreaded day. It's like he could see the nights I cried to be in his arms, the times I revisited places we went to just feel closer to him again, the dreams I had of us together as a couple, and more importantly, he could see that I am falling for him by offering these unspoken pieces of myself.

"Lillian, yes, it's depressing for you, and I wish I can take that feeling away. No one should ever have to go through that."

I shrug saying, "It is what it is."

"No, where most women would probably go complete bridezilla by ruining her wedding, you chose to voice your thoughts maturely. How is that possible? How were you so collected when they hurt you so badly?"

I don't know. I've never been
that
girl. You know. The one who starts drama or who needs to be the center of attention. I fall in the background doing what I need to do to move forward. Photography has always been something I enjoy doing because I never liked the pressures others put on me. It's not just an outlet; it's a passion. Maybe it's photography that's played a role in how I conduct myself with others. I like simple. Complicated throws me off-balance.

"I guess I felt there wasn’t anything I could do to change the situation. I did cry, but only shortly before Father Collins offered me a cab. I felt more in control when I was the one able to manage the variables."

"Where did the cab take you?" He asks genuinely interested in the details surrounding my actions.

I know if I tell him the truth he's going to ask other questions, which will lead me to be honest and divulge the pieces I'm not disclosing. I'm unsure if I want to go this far. I've already told him I thought about him, but will he still be sitting here if he knew exactly all the ways I've thought about him since that day at the photography museum?

Calming my breathing, I try and formulate a response that would at least get him to stop asking too probing questions. I just don't think I'm ready to lay all my thoughts out there yet.

"I went to my apartment here and grabbed my things. I couldn't stay here anymore. I got on the first flight out of Tampa. I just needed to get away."

His questions stopped as we finished our meal in comfortable silence. I have no doubt he's trying to process everything he just found out. It's a lot, which is the main reason it's taken me so long to deal with things myself, and I went through it.

When we've completed our burgers, Brayden pays and we walk back to the hospital. He mentions he has to look at a few properties while he's here, but doesn't go into great detail. I feel all my information has made him pity me, and I never wanted that.

"Do you mind if I walk you back up to your father's room?"

"Sure, but if you have somewhere to be don't let me keep you." He does pity me like I'm some fragile little flower that's going to wilt. I haven't done so yet, and I don't plan on it.

"Nowhere to be, but I just wanted to make sure it was okay. You know a while ago we were in there and you had to literally pull me away." He replies with a small laugh.

Alright, I might be able to salvage this little pity thing.

"I pulled you away because it seemed like you didn't want to leave. Plus it's my parents. Why would you wanna talk with them anyway?"

"Lil, I haven't met parents that didn't like me. It's no big deal. Your parents are interesting."

"Really? Like the whole few minutes in there gave you insight to their personalities." I quip.

"Well, it's because their
your
parents," He replies lacing his fingers with mine as we walk the last few corridors to my father's room.

I'm a little confused. This gesture doesn't seem like he pities me, and what's with the comment about they’re
my
parents? Should I try to analyze that further? Brayden confuses me so much in the sense that his actions and comments baffle me sometimes. Our friendship has definitely always been complicated, which is why things he does catch me off-guard and I don't know how to respond or react.

With his fingers laced through mine, I feel I can take on the world. It's security from the storm, a shield for the hurt, and a promise I'm safe. I feel that contentment; I need it. My father is here in a hospital with cancer, that’s curable, thank God, and I know I need Brayden's emotional support. I'm stronger with him. I can see that now.

My inner strength deflates until it's lying on the floor when I open my father's door to see Nora talking with my mother. I visibly tense all over, and I feel Brayden's arm go around my waist protectively. He's never met Nora, but I'm sure by my reaction he can tell something's not right.

"Lil?" Nora asks surprised at my sudden appearance.

I want to ask why she's here, and then ask my parents why they didn't call me to tell me she showed up. They know I don't want to speak with her, but I can't be mad at them. They wouldn't do that to hurt me. I want to be mad at Nora, but seeing her after months of being without her only makes me want to hug her. I've missed being with her so much.

"Yeah," I reply. My voice shaky with built up emotion.

She walks up to me, and I still can't move. I don't know what to say or do. I've read her messages even though I was drunk for many of them, it still made my heart hurt not to be able to talk with her in person. This woman shared so many things with me; she's a sister.

"Can we talk?"

I dunno. I want to speak to her. I want to be able to clear the air between us, but my strength is gone and tears prick at my eyes. I look up to Brayden who clearly sees the struggle inside me. He's the one who speaks.

"Can we have a minute?"

"Sure," Nora replies giving a shy smile.

He leaves Nora standing there and directs me out in the hallway to a nearby corner. I close my eyes and take a few quick breaths. I never thought she would be here, and Brayden's here. Oh no, I don't think I can talk with her.

He cups my face with his warm hands and tilts my head to look into his eyes. The eyes I can get lost in.

"Lil, you don't have to talk to her if you don't want to. I can ask her to give you some space. I'm sure she's not going to make a scene here with your parents."

"What do you think she wants?"

"I have no idea. If I had to guess, I would say she just wants to have some time with her friend. She clearly cares enough for your parents because she's here. By the look on her face, she didn't know you were going to be here. It's not an ambush. I can tell you miss her too," He answers while gently rubbing my cheeks with his thumbs.

I calm my breathing while his words roll around in my head and his touch soothes my nerves. How can a single touch from him pacify my anxiety?

"How do you do that?" I murmur closing my eyes.

He leans his forehead against mine without taking his hands away from my face. He smells fabulous even with the hint of the beer we drank at the pub. His breath is warm, and right now, all I can think about is wanting to kiss him.

"How do I do what?" He murmurs back.

Can he possibly have the same reaction that I'm having with him?

I pull away looking up in his eyes. Their soft and heartening. I'm not sure if it's reassuring me that my silent question might be correct or that he supports me if I want to talk to Nora. I better get back on subject or I might do something we both will regret...like kiss him.

Against my better judgment, I say, "I’ll talk with her. I'm not saying it will be an engaging conversation, but I should give her an opportunity to be honest and say these things to my face."

"Maybe this is something you need to do for yourself." Maybe it is. I nod in agreement, and he starts again. "Why don't you go ahead and sit in that small waiting room over there, and I'll go get her. You can close the door and talk to her."

"Okay."

"Remember, you can always set ground rules for the conversation. If there's something you really can't talk about with her, let her know so she doesn't mention things that may upset you. I'll check on you."

"Okay." He turns to head back to get Nora, and I grab a hold of his hand. "Thank you, Brayden."

I don't know if it's everything we've been through or this overpowering urge to be with him or even the unexplainable feeling of solace I get when I'm with him, but I may just love him.

"You're welcome," He says with a squeeze to my hand and he disappears back into my father's room.

I make my way to the small waiting room down the hall and sit on one end of the sofa to wait Nora's arrival. I'm nervous, but Brayden's right. I need to set ground rules so I can keep it together. She needs this just as much as I do.

******

Five minutes later, Nora walks into the room and closes the door behind her. She sits beside me on the sofa but doesn't speak. She's ringing her hands together, so I know she's nervous about talking with me. However, I'm doing this for both of us. I miss her, but I need her to be honest with me and tell me the truth. I would like to reclaim some part form of our friendship. I figure I would start talking first.

"Nora, I want to talk to you. There are so many questions and not enough answers. I won't say I'm not still hurt because the truth is what happened crushed me. However, I want to see if we can mend some fences.

"With that being said, I have read your messages and emails. I've tried to read your lengthy explanation, but some circumstances prevented me from fully understanding it all." I was drunk. What can I say? "I don't want to hear any details because I feel that’ll hurt our chances of fixing what's broken. I would like to ask you questions. Could you answer them by giving me an honest answer without going overboard?"

Nora's bottom lip starts to quiver and tears start to form in her blue eyes. "I'll tell you anything you want to know."

"Thank you."

Where to begin with this line of questioning? I'm not a mean, vindictive person nor do I need specifics surrounding their love story. I need facts and truth. Getting upset will just make me break down and I can't do that especially with Brayden here.

I take a deep breath and ask my first question. "When did this start?"

"I don't know an exact time, Lil. We worked long hours together, and we started talking."

"I know you guys got along, but I didn't expect this. Damon would always talk to me. He never kept anything from me."

"I dunno. He came into the office one afternoon and looked so sad. I asked what was wrong, but he didn't want to tell me."

That's when it clicked. Damon told me in our last phone conversation that he saw me with Brayden. This has got to be it. I need to know why his attitude changed.

"I think I know why he looked upset," I admit.

"Yeah. He told me after...well, he told me later that evening."

"What did he tell you?"

Although Damon's feelings didn't really matter anymore, for some odd reason, I needed to know what he saw between Brayden and I. I cut him off on the phone when he tried to tell me, but I need to know.

"He said he was going to lunch to meet you in your favorite spot. The one where you would always be for lunch. Do you remember it?"

How could I forget it? It's Swann Circle Park. It's north of my old apartment off South West Shore Blvd. The park is set in a circle with traffic of the neighborhood flowing around its boundaries. Tall trees and shrubs mask the tranquil ambiance within the shield of varying greens. When you walk into the park, it opens into another world. There's an area for kids to play as well as shaded areas to relax. My favorite part of this place is that it has one giant tree situated off to the left of the park. It stands alone and its branches cover the area under its umbrella of green foliage. And it's there under this shaded view of mother nature that hangs a white wooden swing. It seems out of place to hang a swing from a tree in a public park, but to me it felt comforting and relaxing.

I took many pictures in that park on that very swing. I remember taking Damon there and showing him my most favorite spot. He told me he could see why I chose it, but what he didn't understand is that this place was my calm within the storm. This location was my serenity in the middle of the chaos of a big city.

"Yeah, I remember it."