Down and Out (Hawks MC: Caroline Springs Charter Book 3) (3 page)

"Please," she begged. "They'll need him."

"Who will need who?" I asked, confused at fuck.

My eyes stayed on my woman, even as Josie bent low and whispered something to her. I didn't see anyone leave the room, but I noticed when Pick came in. He immediately stood behind his woman.

Flexing my clenched jaw, I welcomed the grind of pain and the distraction it offered. The nurses and doctors busied themselves around the room while Josie stood and held Simone's hand tightly, but she curled her body into Pick. He wound his arms around her as her body shook with sobs.

Simone's hand in mine tightened, only just a little; her strength wasn't there. My eyes went back down to her. She smiled up at me, but I could see the strain on her face. She cleared her throat. "I'm so sorry." Tears fell from her eyes. "I love you. I always have, but I wanted to protect you from this and leave you with something to remember me by."

Fear gripped my heart and squeezed. "Wait, what? Baby, what do you mean? What are you talking about?"

Her chest heaved with a heavy breath; she opened her mouth to answer, but then her eyes widened, and her hand went slack. The machines went crazy, and Josie screamed, as I watched Simone smile before her eyes closed.

No. Christ, please no.

Cold. I was so fuckin' cold as I watched on powerless. My whole body shivered, my stomach churning at the sight of my woman lying motionless on the bed.

"Do something," I yelled, my voice thick with misery.

Doctors barked orders I didn't listen to. Pick pulled Josie back to let the doctors work while I leaned down and whispered, "Don't you die on me, baby. Don't leave me. Our kid needs you, needs his mother. And I need my woman. My life. Don't leave me, baby." My voice quivered.
Fuck. Fuck
. "Please," I begged her.

Her body jolted. I looked down to see a doctor slice open my woman's stomach. Seconds ticked by before I saw a baby pulled free. It was tiny, still and silent.

Fuck. Jesus, no, no, no.

I closed my eyes tight. I didn't want to see; all of it was fuckin' agony laced with more heartache.

"Sir," a nurse beside me murmured.

Ignoring her, I opened my eyes to Simone. It couldn't be over. Gripping my hair, I shook my head. I wanted to tear my fuckin' hair out, slit my wrists, or have someone beat me senseless so I didn't feel. I didn't want to feel. It hurt too much. Though, my body seemed to be already going through the process. A stabbing pain ripped through my chest, my stomach convulsing in agony. Still, my head, my mind wouldn't let it be the end, wouldn't accept it. "No," I whispered through clenched teeth.

People around me yelled and moved. They'd left Simone to work on the baby.

"She's gone. I'm sorry." The nurse touched my arm. I shook her off and pressed my forehead against my woman's.

"Please, come back to me, baby." My breath hitched. "Please."

"I'm sorry," the nurse said again.

My hand went to Simone's face, but it was cold. She was cold and still. No life left inside of her. My woman was gone. No longer would I see her smile, hear her laugh and feel her at my side.

Standing, I threw my head back and screamed my anguish, "No!" Tilting my head down, my eyes landed on the nurse, and I ordered with a snarl, "Work on her. Make her live." I grabbed her arm and pulled her closer. "Fucking help her."

"Brother," Pick said, his usually hard voice was soft. He grabbed my wrist. "Let the nurse go."

"She needs to help my woman," I demanded, my eyes hard on my brother.

"Brother," he whispered, his eyes heavy with sorrow. "She's gone."

My eyes narrowed even more. "She's not."

Don't make it real. Don't take my life away from me. We can make us work. We're a family.

But they were so still. They weren't moving. My woman. My child. Unmoving and no breath in their bodies.

My chest heaved to fight for air.

"She is," Pick murmured.

He dropped my wrist when I let go of the nurse, who immediately stepped back. It was just as well because the next thing I grabbed was a stand. I picked it up and crashed it to the floor, over and over, screaming and cursing through the pain ripping into me. Through the reality crashing into my soul.

"Get him out," someone barked.

A hand wrapped around my throat, and I was pushed up and then out of the room, stumbling until my back was forced up against a wall with Pick in my face snapping, "Enough."

"Fuck you," I snarled. "Fuck you," I roared.

Ruckus arose around us. People yelled, ran, and things fell to the ground.

"I'm sorry," Pick offered.

Leaning forward, his hand tightened on my throat as Billy showed at his side, "Fuck. You," I growled. Anger was good. Better than sorrow.

Pick shook his head sadly. "She's gone, brother. Let it sink in. Take it on board and come back to the now because you need to fight for your kid."

"No." I shook my head, my eyes closing. "It wasn't moving. It wasn't crying. They fuckin' cry when they come out. It's… Fuck. Fuck me, motherfucking hell."

"It's not the end, brother. They're still in there fighting for him. You need to as well."

Unmanageable pain nearly took me to my knees, but Pick had me. He dropped his hand from my throat and held my chest against the wall.

"Fight for him," Pick whispered.

"She's gone." Despair formed inside of me.

"She is." Pick nodded.

"She's gone," I cried, opening my eyes as tears filled them.

"She has."

"Brother." Pain weaved itself through that one word, desperate and with no chance of ever dulling. I banged my head back into the wall and snapped my eyes closed. I let it all seep in. The loss, the pain, the anguish.

I let it all in until I heard a baby's cry from the other room.

Chapter Two

Dive

Dead. I was dead on the inside. All that kept me going was seeing Simone's eyes in our child's. Hours after our son was brought back to life, I found out exactly what Simone had kept from me. Not only did she have a tumour surrounding her heart, but also one in her brain. Both were inoperable. My woman had known she was dying a long time ago. Josie told me she only found out before she called me. Simone had told her that as soon as the doctors had explained she was dying, she'd stopped taking her birth control pills. She knew she didn't have long to live, and she wanted to leave a piece of herself behind on earth. I wasn't sure she was fully aware of the choices she'd made. Maybe with everything she was going through, her thoughts and ideas were scrambled in her emotional state. She also didn't want me to see her fade at the rapid pace she was. Which was why she disappeared. All of it… everything she'd chosen to do was all wrong and selfish in a way. She'd been staying with her parents; they helped her through everything when I wished it had been me.

I wished every-fuckin'-day I had more time with her.

Nary had come up to me after the funeral saying she was sorry for not taking more notice, but I knew both her and Josie had been busy with their own classes and lives.

I was a dad.

A father to a little boy and I didn't have a goddamn clue what to do.

Two weeks had passed, and I was at the hospital once again sitting beside my son's incubator in the NICU area where he was still hooked up to machines. He was still tiny and weak, but getting better as each day passed. They said in only days he’d be taken off the machines, and I fuckin' couldn't wait for it. Couldn't wait to hold him in my arms. He was a survivor, and I believed Simone had a part in his survival. She looked over him that dark day.

A part of me wished it had been me to die. Simone should have been the one sitting where I was, talking to him, reading to him, and even singing to him in her off-key voice.

But I couldn't hold a grudge against the little guy because of it. Simone was sick. There was no way she could have lived through the strain of the birth. Even if she hadn't have given birth, the doctors later explained she hadn't long to live. She put all her energy, time, and love into our child, so I would do the same, and I'd make sure he knew his mother loved him so fuckin' much.

In this new phase of my life, the old me was gone. It left with my woman that same day. I was colder to all, except my son. A smile only lit my face when my boy opened his eyes. No laugh fell from my lips except for when I learned how to change a diaper the first time. There wasn't time to joke; all my time was for my son and no one else.

It was the way it was supposed to be.

He was all I had.

So I'd be there for him.

The door to the room opened and in walked Simone's parents. They visited every second day. When they saw me, a small pity-filled smile played on their lips. They were rich pricks. I'd hated them when they'd kicked Simone out a long time ago, but, in my eyes, they'd redeemed themselves when they took her in and cared for her. Showed her the love they always should have and made sure she was happy in her last days.

"Kalen," Penny said, her hand going to my shoulder. They both refused to call me Dive. They didn't want their grandchild to have a biker daddy, but they soon got over it when they saw how I was with my son. Still, to them, I'd never be Dive, especially when Simone had always called me by Kalen to them. "How is he today?" Penny asked, giving my shoulder a squeeze.

"Better. Gettin' stronger every day."

"That's great." Frank nodded, his smile widening. "Have you chosen a name yet?"

Snorting, because there was no way I was gonna call my son Frank junior like Frank wanted me to, I nodded and said, "Yeah, I have."

Penny sighed. "Are you going to share it with us?"

Looking from her to Frank, I announced, "His name's Koda Brooks." Koda was short for Simone's middle name Dakoda. I wanted our son to not only remember his mum in memories, but in a way he would never forget who she was, and I'd make sure he knew where his name came from. 

Both Penny and Frank's eyes teared while smiling down at me. Then Penny took a handkerchief out of her jacket pocket and dabbed her eyes. "Simone would love that."

With a stiff nod, I stated, "Good." After a deep breath, I added, "I have to talk to the both of you about something." Standing, I gestured for Penny to sit. She did, and immediately, she slipped her hand into the opening, reaching out to hold Koda's hand. I started pacing back and forth, worried about my decision but knew in my heart it would be for the best.

"Son, you can tell us anything. You know this."

Stopping, I faced them. "I need to get away. Once Koda is healthy, I'm moving to Halls Gap. My mum lives up there. She's willing to help." Penny went to say something, but I held up my hand. "I know you're both more than willing to help out, but I need to do this first month or so on my own. He's my son. I need to learn to take care of him, see where we both fit. I'm not saying I don't want either of you in his life. You can come see him anytime you want. Seriously, anytime." I ran a hand over my face and admitted, "This area brings back too many memories. Fuckin' great memories, but I want to… no, I need a change of scenery. Fresh start, for the both of us."

"Kalen." Penny smiled sadly. "We can understand it. We already do. We both appreciate how you've accepted us in his life, so whatever you need to do, we will stand by you."

Looking to Frank, he nodded and said, "It's not that far anyway."

My whole body sagged with relief until I heard a gruff voice behind me say, "When were you thinking of telling me,
brother
?"

Turning, I found Dodge and Willow standing there. Willow reached out to her man, but he shrugged her off and stalked outta the room.

Shit.

Glancing over my shoulder, I waited for Penny's nod before following him. Willow gave me an encouraging smile as I passed, and then I heard her say, "Let me see that bundle of cuteness."

She and Josie had been a huge help in the last three weeks. They took turns to visit me, offering breaks while I showered, and they spoilt Koda with all the things they bought him. Hell, so many had offered their help, even Wildcat and her posse from Ballarat, but I knocked them back. It wasn't that I didn't appreciate their support. I just wondered if they were scared, I couldn't handle the responsibility of a newborn baby. Still, it was what I wanted to do, and I'd fuckin' managed well so far.

"Dodge," I called out as soon as I was in the hallway. He was halfway down when he stopped but didn't turn to face me. Slowly, I made my way to his side. He turned his head and glared at me. "You were my next call. It just happened Simone's parents visited when they did."

"Why would you want to leave when you have so much support here?" he demanded.

Closing my eyes, I sighed. Opening them, I met his hard stare with my weary one. "Too many memories here, brother. It was a fuckin' hard choice to make. Shit, I'll miss your ugly mug." He snorted. "But I want it just me and Koda for a while. It's all happened so fast. Christ, I'm not even sure if it's all sunk in. You never know, I could move and freak out when it's just me and the kid, but I want to give the two of us a chance to bond."

"You been reading parenting books again?" He smirked.

Rolling my eyes, I gave him the finger. The dick knew me too well because I had been reading parenting books. "It just feels right"—I thumped my chest with my fist—"in here."

"Fuck," he cursed and ran a hand through his hair. "You and your mum drive each other crazy. You sure you'll survive?" It was then I knew he'd accepted it.

"I think I will. But you know I'll miss your arse, so you'd better come visit with Willow and the kids."

Dodge gripped the back of my neck, pulled me to him, and slapped my shoulder a few times before stepping away. "You couldn't hold me back, brother."

"Good."

Two weeks later, Koda and I drove towards our new house in Halls Gap. Even though I was relieved as fuck to leave the hospital, the nurses were sad to see us go. They'd been a big help in the days before Koda was taken off the machines. I already knew how to feed him, what type of formula he needed, and how much to give him. I'd been doing it since day one through the gap in the incubator. After though, they'd taught me how to bathe him, take care of his skin, and dress him carefully. I near freaked every time he'd cry, but slowly, I gained more confidence. I just hoped it stayed that way.