Down & Dirty (10 page)

“Is that what this is all about? Are you making sure I know you won’t hit me?”

“Yes. I don’t want you freaking out and leaving me because I scare you with my yelling.”

“Ah. Now I get it. You’re worried I’m going to leave you because you’re so intense?”

“Would you?”

I wrapped my legs around his waist, “No. Yell all you want, I’m not going anywhere.”

He seemed to breathe for the first time, “I needed to hear that.”

“For some reason I can’t explain, I love you. I doubt there’s anything you could do to make me leave you. I might get pretty pissed and not speak to you, or beat you up in your sleep, but you’re stuck with me.” I tried to assure him.

“What do you want for Christmas?” He was obviously over what was bothering him.

“Just you.” I haven’t gotten a gift since before my uncle sold me and my sister. I wouldn’t know what to ask for anyway. To be honest, if I wake up with Joe in my arms Christmas morning, I’ll be happy.

“You have to want something.” He’s still eating but I waved off the last offer of a bite having had my fill.

“You’ve done enough. You got me a car, a house, everything in this house, and you’re standing here. I don’t think there’s anything left.” I rested my hands on his shoulders.

“I could take you somewhere.” He started untying my robe and I knew talk time was about over.

“The bedroom would be nice.”

He carried me off where we took our time together. There’s been plenty of times where we didn’t feel rushed, but knowing we had all day together made me really want to touch and explore him more.

I rested on his chest keeping him inside me to recover and trace a tattoo. “What’s this one mean?”

I felt him look down to see what I was talking about. “Just a bored drunken night. How about yours? What inspired that?”

I have half a heart that looks like it was ripped apart on my hip. “That sister I told you about, was my twin.”

“Really? Identical?”

“Yes, physically, not mentally. Mentally she was my exact opposite. We argued constantly.” I sat up. “Change the subject Joe. I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Want to try and find her?”

“I wouldn’t know where to start. Besides, the police think we’re both dead.”

“Why do you say that?”

I got up and went to the kitchen without answering him. I hate talking about this. I need a martini.

He followed me and demanded, “Carly, answer the question.”

“No. Stop pushing this.” I got ice out to chill the glass.

“Just tell me and get it over with.” He complained.

“Give me your phone.”

He handed it to me.

I called Doc.

He answered on the fourth ring, “Hey Bro, what’s up?”

“It’s Red. I’m going to need something for an anxiety attack as soon as you can get it.”

“Be right over.” He hung up.

I threw Joe his phone back. “When my uncle separated us he knew he’d need four bodies, not just two. I don’t know where he got the other two bodies, but they had to be kids in order for it not to look suspicious. Since there was no reason to question that a child playing with matches caught the house on fire, the insurance company paid him over a million dollars for his crime. He took the money and ran.” I felt the anxiety building. Every time my thoughts turn to anything during those three years I freak out. Last time it took me three days just to feel right again.

“And you were sold to a stranger to put on shows for perverts.” He concluded.

“I didn’t know about the fire, or my parents death until three years later when we escaped and burned the house down with our captor in it. I still live with the guilt of killing a man like my uncle killed two innocent kids and my parents.” I confessed dropping an olive in the glass and taking a sip.

“You have no reason to feel guilty Carly.”

“I did some pretty bad things to survive without getting thrown into CPS. The three years I was a prisoner was one thing, the two years after that were a living hell. I have a deep appreciation for the homeless now, especially women. Ever wonder why you see more homeless men than women?” I asked him taking another sip.

“I never gave it much thought.”

“Women have something men don’t. When they try to sell it, they often get killed instead of getting paid.” I finished the first martini and started a fresh one.

“Getting drunk is not going to help Carly.” He scolded me.

“What do you know? You don’t live inside my head. I spend a lot of time burying these memories just to function like a normal human being. Talking to you about it right now fucking sucks.” I took my drink and walked around him to the sliding door that leads to a back patio. “I need air.”

The doorbell rang and I knew it was Doc with some meds. Joe let Doc in and out through the sliding glass doors towards me.

“Hey Red, you okay?”

“I will be.” I took the pill bottle he held out.

“Come here.” He took my hand and my pulse. “Why is your blood pressure so high?”

“He’s digging into my past. Nothing I haven’t dealt with before. I’ll be okay in a couple days.” I assured him.

“Try not to drink too much on these.”

“Don’t worry. I won’t take one until much later. It’s usually worse after I wake up from the pass-out drunk.”

“Alright, call me if you need me.” He patted my shoulder and looked at Joe, “Take it easy on her.”

“Don’t tell me how to handle my wife.” He barked leading Doc out front.

When he got back I said, “You shouldn’t get mad at Doc, he’s right to worry.”

“Did you sell yourself to survive the street?”

“Does it matter?”

“I’ll take that as a yes.” He turned me and lifted my chin, “No, it doesn’t matter, but I have a right to know my wife.”

“I don’t want to talk about it anymore, my chest is starting to hurt.”

“Is there more?”

“There’s always more. I need you to leave it alone.” I begged.

“Okay. No more for now. I’m sorry you had to go through all that.” He pulled me in for a hug.

I let him for a second so he wouldn’t take it personally when I pushed him away. “I’m sorry Joe. I need a little space.”

He let me go and took my now empty glass. “Another one?”

I nodded. “Yeah. It could be an ugly night.”

“Nah, I’ll take care of you.” He kissed my forehead and went inside.

I looked up and took a few steadying breaths as the memories of my horrid past bounced randomly around in my head now. It takes a lot of focus to keep them buried. Having it brought to the surface always sucks. I’ll have nightmares for a night or two, and probably be very jumpy for about a week. It’s nothing new, but it still sucks.

I’ve been pretty good about avoiding these trips down memory and anxiety lane, but every couple months or so something will remind me and I’ll struggle like I am now. This time it’s a little more difficult because Joe has made me verbalize my demons. Not all of them. There’s still one demon I keep to myself. With any luck I can it keep from everyone.

“Here you go.” He handed me a fresh martini. “I can’t imagine what you went through, and I’ve been through some nasty shit.”

“I know you have. I guess I’m not as good about dealing with it. I should be stronger. It is in the past, but it still haunts me.” The alcohol is helping numb the pain of talking.

“I don’t like talking about what I’ve been through, and done, either. So I won’t push you again. I would like you to know that if you ever feel the need to vent I’m here, and I won’t judge you. I love you Carly, there’s no judgment here.” He assured me.

I felt a little better hearing that, “Thank you. That helps. I guess a lot of my anxiety comes from knowing what people will think of me if they knew. I would still rather not talk about it again.”

“Okay baby. Want a hot bubble bath?” He offered moving my hair off my shoulder.

“Yeah, that would be nice.”

He spent the rest of the evening and night doing everything he could to amuse me and keep my thoughts too busy to focus on the anxiety. I was grateful not to need the pills the next morning. Waking up in his loving arms made all the difference. The fear wasn’t there this time, just love from him, and appreciation for the man I love. The man that literally stole my heart. He frustrates, and impresses me at the same time. He’s stubborn, pushy, funny, and loving. Not to mention drop dead sexy gorgeous.

9
 

W
e fell into a nice routine over the next couple weeks. He still made me worry every time he went out on jobs, but I kept busy checking on Michelle, working with Salina at the clubhouse bar, and making sure Stacy was doing her new job as our new Madam.

I felt like I had more than one purpose in life now. It was great. The control I’d lost when Joe took over my life began to come back now. I’m getting to know more of the members and feeling the connection with the club Salina keeps telling me about grow stronger every day.

Several of the guys, especially Gunner, have thanked me for fixing the situation with the girls, and for getting the bar up and running. You can feel the happiness in the air.

There’s some funny shit that goes on here I had no clue about when I worked at the other bar. The guys run a towing service along with the bike repair shop out of the garage. Some of the wrecked vehicles crack me up. It’s amazing how many people end up in canals or crashed into houses.

Right now Joe is kissing me good like he does before we open the bar and he goes about doing whatever he does in the evenings. Sometimes they go on jobs, hang out in the garage, make use of the fight ring, or go their separate ways for personal business. On those nights Joe goes back and forth between the garage and bar.

Salina and I jumped when we heard a loud crash and a bunch of commotion outside.

Joe pointed at me and ordered, “Stay here.” He pulled his gun and headed out the door.

I grabbed the gun behind the bar and went out behind him. I watched as he and several other guys approached the car with guns drawn. As they got closer to the female driver they lowered their guns.

Joe and Slider holstered their guns, picked up the front of the car, walked it around to face the direction in which it came and dropped it. Slider yelled something at Goat before walking off.

Joe was already headed back to me. Rut roe. He looks pissed. “I thought I told you to stay inside!!!”

Oops. I started to tuck the gun away but he’s so fast I lost it to his large capable hand. “Sorry.”

He pointed to his bike, “Get on.”

“I have.” I started but he cut me off.

“I said get on!!” He’s yelling.

“Okay, geeze, calm down.” I walked towards his bike and got harshly picked up and set on the back. “Ow.”

He swung his leg over and rode us out a little too quickly. I held on for dear life.

He parked in the garage and dragged me by the arm inside before turning me roughly to face him. “When I fucking tell you to do something, you do it!”

“I’m sorry, it was a knee-jerk reaction when I saw you.” He interrupted me again.

“Stop, right there. I don’t care what excuse you give me. Remember that memorial run for those two men who didn’t follow my orders?”

I closed my eyes wanting to hide. “Yes.”

“Do you want a memorial run in your honor Carly?!”

“No.” I feel like such a shit.

He let go shoving me back a little, just enough that I stumbled. “Go sit down until I figure out how to punish you.” He’s really mad.

I sat at the kitchen bar. “I’m sorry Joe, I didn’t.” He cut me off again.

“You didn’t fucking think! You didn’t do what I told you! Trust me, I know. I don’t need you to tell me what you did wrong.” He turned and punched a hole in the wall. “Fuck!”

I decided to keep my mouth shut until he calmed down.

He paced and cussed for a good ten minutes. I hid my face in my hands with my elbows on the counter.

I jumped when he spun my chair and grabbed my wrists. His eyes told me the level of fear and anger he felt.

“If you get killed because you didn’t do what I told you I’m never going to forgive you. I’ll spend the rest of my life hating you for being stupid and leaving me.”

“I’m sorry, it won’t happen again.”

“How the hell am I supposed to take you on overnight jobs when you don’t listen at home?”

“You made your point, I said I’m sorry.”

“You’re staying home. Either you trust me, or you don’t. I won’t risk you on the road knowing you don’t listen.” He’s punishing me with harsh words and refusing to take me with him.

I guess I can’t blame him. “I trust you. I’ll stay home.”

“You’re damn right you will.” He let go now and stepped back. “Fix dinner. I’m going for a run before I put another hole in the wall.” He went to the bedroom to change before slamming the front door on his way out a few minutes later.

I cried for about five minutes before finding wine and food to prepare. My appetite is shot, but I can cook for him. I feel like such a jerk. I wonder how long he’s going to be mad at me.

About the time I put dinner in the oven he came back slamming the door again. I jumped, but not in fear of him, it was just the unexpected slam that got me.

He stormed in all sweaty and grabbed my jaw to set those green eyes that are still full of turmoil on me. “This is for me, not for you.” He kissed me hard before turning me around and working my belt from behind.

I braced my hands on the counter and bit my lip when he entered me hard and fast from behind. He gave me a smart smack on the butt as he pounded me hard and deliberate from behind. He wasn’t hurting me, but he was literally driving his anger into me.

He tore my shirt and bra away to get a firm grip on the girls as he worked out his anger through my body. I felt his intensity and came hard making him move faster to find his own release. The final push and groan told me he’d needed that.

He stayed inside me and leaned down to gently run his fingers over my neck. “Don’t ever scare me like that again.”

I turned to face him, “I won’t.”

He kissed me softly before righting us and holding me in his arms. “Sorry about that. Are you okay?”

“I’m good.”

He bent down and helped me fix my jeans. “I knew you would be able to handle me. Your punishment is to remain topless the rest of the night.”

“Okay, I think I can do that.” I put my arms around his waist and hugged him tight. “I really am sorry.”

He hugged me back. “I know.”

Things went back to normal the next day. It was like nothing happened. The relief was nice. Having Joe mad at me was a feeling I never want repeated. It wasn’t that he scared me, it was the pain and hurt I saw on his face. The idea of disappointing him hurt me more than I could have imagined. It sucked.

Having him go back to his normal self helped a lot.

Salina and I are getting ready to open the bar for the day when she asked, “You okay? He looked pretty pissed when you left yesterday.”

I laughed a little, “You could say that, but he had a right to be. He chewed me out with that loud bellowing voice of his, but that’s it. If anything he just made me feel like a jerk.”

“What’s that noise?” She looked up and I heard the same thumping in the air she did.

“I don’t know.” We headed outside as a large military helicopter hovered over the parking lot.

It was so loud neither of us could hear anything else. It slowly landed barely fitting in the empty space.

I looked over and saw Joe come out of the garage and boldly walk up to the man hopping out of the big open door. They talked for a minute before he turned and headed towards me.

He took my arm and led me back inside where I could hear him.

“What’s going on Joe?” I still had to yell.

“I have to go. There’s an emergency and they need me.” He lowered and kissed me with that thirst I know so well now.

He let go cupping my face. “I’ll be back as soon as I can. Behave yourself, and listen to Slider.”

“No!!!” I screamed and jumped him clinging and kissing his neck. “Don’t leave me. I said I was sorry!!”

He hugged me back. “This isn’t punishment baby. This is strictly national security. It has nothing to do with you. This is my job, I have to go if they need me.”

“No!!! You’re retired!!”

“Technically I’m on R&R for a year. I should have told you, but I wasn’t expecting this.” He pulled me off him and set me back on shaky knees. “I’ll be back. I love you.”

“I love you! Please, please don’t go.” I begged.

He kissed my forehead. “I have to my love. Be strong and wait for me.”

“I can’t breathe without you!” I cried uncontrollably.

He took my hand and gave me over to Salina, “Take care of her.” He left with Salina holding me up.

“NO!!!” I screamed and jerked free to run after him. He was already stepping into the big helicopter as the wind from the blades blew me back. I watched through tears and screams as the big thundering machine took my man away.

I sat on the ground and cried hard as the pain sliced through me. Salina sat with me holding my hand. “Calm down sweetie, he’ll be back.”

“How dare them waltz in here and take him away?!” I was getting angry now.

“I know, that was rather rude.” She agreed as best she could.

Slider walked over and scooped me up, “Come on Red, let’s get you inside.”

I clung to him wishing he was Joe. “Why?”

“I’m not sure, but it had to be important for them to drop in like that.” He tried to assure me as he set me down in a chair inside the clubhouse.

Salina handed me a glass of wine and a lit joint. “He’ll be back soon.” She looked at Slider, “Did you know he was still active?”

“Sort of. He had a year left but they wanted to reward him for something he did by letting him take his last year as R&R.” He looked at me, “You should know that because of the type of work he does he can never really retire. It’s complicated.” He obviously wasn’t going to elaborate.

“This sucks. What the hell am I supposed to do without him?” I begged Slider.

“Be a good old lady and pull your shit together.” He patted my shoulder and left.

I looked at Salina, “Not very helpful is he?”

She laughed, “No, he doesn’t do sentiment. Come on, let’s get you busy so you can stop freaking out.”

All night I kept looking at the door for Joe to walk through it. I thought by the time at got home at three in the morning I would be too tired to miss him. Wrong. The silence in the house was killing me. I couldn’t sleep, the TV didn’t help, and neither did the vodka. In fact the vodka made it worse. I just kept going back and forth between angry and sad.

I felt like I was sitting inside my brain watching as my body went through the motions for the next two weeks. Every black leather jacket with a patch made me do a double take. Sometimes I thought I saw him, but of course I never did.

At the end of the second week I knew I needed to get out of here. Joe hasn’t called me once, and he won’t answer his phone. I don’t know what to do with this anger and overwhelming sadness.

I hugged Salina extra hard on Sunday night knowing it would be a while before I saw her again. I think she sensed something, but left it alone. I’m not so easy to talk to lately.

I covered furniture, packed what I couldn’t live without in the Mercedes and headed north. Vegas. That’s a nice busy town where I can drown my thoughts of Joe, my debilitating sadness of missing him, and my anger at him leaving.

I used his credit card as moderately as possible until I got a job dealing Poker at a casino. For the first month I didn’t bother getting a place to stay. I just took naps in the car in the parking lot and showered at truck stops.

Finally I got tired of that and rented an apartment by the month. It was worse than my old place, but all I wanted was a place to stretch out on the floor and take a shower without getting hit on. I ate when I absolutely had to at cheap buffets. Talk about a good way to lose weight. Two months after arriving in Vegas I dropped from one-fifty to one-twenty.

I like dealing cards. Having to concentrate forces me to keep my mind off Joe. It’s the only thing that does. I still see him everywhere I go.

One night I got bored and decided to try my hand on the other side of the table. So, I went to another casino and sat down to play. Once again I focused all my attention on the game and walked away with eight hundred dollars more than when I walked in. Nice.

Now I have a new routine. Deal cards, play cards, eat, and sleep. Once in a while I take the Mercedes up and down the strip just to crank some tunes and enjoy the lights.

Before I knew it three more months had passed and I’m paying taxes on over two hundred thousand dollars in the bank. I stopped using Joe’s credit cards six weeks ago. Once in a while I try to call his phone, but I always end up crying like an idiot and drinking myself into a coma, so I gave up.

I advanced to the high stakes tables to see what the difference was. The difference? I walked away with a hundred grand in one night. For the first time in six months I was happy. Greedy happy. Shoe shopping happy.

I don’t have one friend in this town, even though some people seem to know me and say hi when I pass them. I recognize some repetitive faces, and wave back, but that’s as close as they get.

Tonight I’m playing the high stakes table for the third time. A very large man with long blonde hair and dark sunglasses is my only real competition at the table. He reminds me of a negative of Joe. Light where Joe is dark, but built about the same.