Down & Dirty (12 page)

11
 

A
nother couple weeks went by and I started thinking about leaving. I need more commotion to drown my brain. Bret is cool, and he’s been a great friend, but I’m getting close to using him to try and forget Joe. That would be wrong, and probably wouldn’t work anyway.

I decided it was only fair to be honest with Bret. He’s flipping burgers on the grill outside.

“I need to leave Bret.”

“Why?”

“It’s too quiet here. I wanted to thank you for talking to me about Charlotte. I feel like I know her a little better now, as an adult, not just as a kid.”

“Thank you. I’m sorry you’re leaving, but I understand.” He put a burger on a bun and handed it to me. “Do me a favor and keep in touch. We don’t have to talk every day, but it would be nice to hear from you now and then to know you’re okay.”

“I can do that.” We enjoyed our last meal together. He surprised me by packing up and leaving that night. He said goodbye and kissed me on the forehead with what seemed to be a slightly defeated look on his face.

I walked down to the beach and sat in the sand for what was likely my last night here. Without Bret this place is way too quiet.

I cried into my wine until I couldn’t cry anymore. I set my glass down and walked out into the water. Fuck it. No city will ever be busy enough to forget Joe. I can’t go home, not even to my life before Joe. He’d broken me. What’s the point of living now? If my sister can take her own life, then maybe the ocean can take mine if I give it freely.

I swam as hard and as far as I could. If I get out far enough I should be able to drown. Maybe I’ll see Joe as I die. It would be nice to see him one last time.

I floated on my back and looked at the stars. “I hate you for leaving me. I hate you for loving me. You stole everything from me when you left.” I cried again not feeling the tears past the sea water.

I couldn’t drown and it pissed me off so I slapped the water and righted myself to try for another swim. Maybe I’ll get a cramp this time.

“Are you done?” Bret’s voice asked in the dark.

“Shit! What are you doing here?”

“I had a bad feeling you’d try something like this. I’ve seen that look before. Come on, let’s go in.” He swam towards me.

I swam backwards, “No!! Just…go away!!”

He lunged and caught my foot.

I spit water when I came up caught in his arm, “Sorry Carly. I lost one beautiful redhead, I’m not losing another.” He swam me back in, dropped me on the sand and yelled, “Are you fucking stupid?!! Did you think I wouldn’t find out my wife’s twin sister committed suicide just outside my beach house??!!!” He’s really mad reminding me of how Joe got when he was mad the night before he left.

I sank to the sand and cried harder than I’ve ever cried in my life.

Bret scooped me up and carried me inside. “I’m going to put you in the shower and leave again, but I will be watching you. You want to be alone, fine, but I’m never taking my eyes off you.”

He set me down on the bathroom counter and left slamming the door behind him.

I took a shower and crashed out from physical exhaustion.

For the next two days I was a zombie. Too fucked up in the head to drive, too depressed to go back to Vegas. I knew Bret was watching me so I didn’t try anything stupid again. I guess I’m doomed to my misery.

Tonight the sunset did nothing for me as I sat in the sand watching it. I laid on my back to watch the stars come out.

“Who’s house is this?”

I jumped up thinking I heard Joe’s voice. It took me a minute to focus. “Joe?”

“Answer the question.” He ordered.

I jumped him. “Is it really you? Am I dreaming again?!”

He pulled me off and set me down. “What are you doing here?” He’s mad.

I grabbed his beard and hunted for his eyes. “It is you.”

“Answer the fucking question Carly!!”

I let go and felt my heart crack. “Don’t you dare yell at me!”

“Who’s house is this?” His voice is deeper now.

“It’s a long story. What took you so long?!” I felt the tears overflowing again. This crying shit is really getting old.

“You better start explaining right now.” He ordered.

I closed my eyes wondering if I’d fallen asleep on the beach again and maybe this was a dream…nightmare. I opened my eyes to find my very angry man staring me down.

“I won it for a year in Vegas. Turns out the guy I won it from was my twin sister’s husband, now widow because she killed herself. He said it was an accident running into me there.” I waved it off. “It doesn’t matter. I only stayed here to take a break from Vegas.”

“You left the club.” He’s really mad.

“I had to!! I kept seeing you everywhere! It was making me insane. Although moving didn’t do much to help.” I admitted.

“What ‘guy’ did you win this from?”

“His name is Bret. Trust me, nothing happened. In fact, you should thank him for saving my life the other night.”

“Bret who?” He asked suddenly suspicious.

“St. Clair. Why?”

He spun around and yelled, “You son of a fucking bitch!!! GET OUT HERE!!”

“Joe, he’s not here.”

“The hell he’s not.” He argued taking me by the arm.

“You know him? Ow, you’re hurting me.”

“Did you fuck him?” He shoved me in front of him to step up onto the patio.

“Of course not! What the hell?!” I turned only to get backed up into the house.

“I should have known he’d pull something like this.” He complained. “Pack your shit, we’re leaving now.”

“You know what, bite me.” I stopped and put my hands on my hips. “How dare you fucking leave me for six months and walk in here like this!”

He bore down on me. “How dare you fuck my brother.”

“I didn’t fuck anybody you jerk!!”

“Yeah right. I know Bret, you’ve probably been rolling around in bed with him for months.”

“You son of a bitch.” My temper hit a new high.

He grabbed my purse to find my phone and tapped the screen. He tossed it on the table as it rang three times. “Glad you made it back alive brother.” Bret’s voice purred.

I was speechless.

“You have balls fucking with my wife while I’m gone.” Joe said all to calmly.

“You’re the idiot who left her.” Bret accused.

“Where are you so I can finally kill you?”

I found my voice through anger. “Wait! Bret is your brother?!” I looked into Joe’s very angry eyes.

Bret laughed on the other end. “Don’t worry Bro, she’s as loyal as they come. She wanted to take her own life for you.”

“Bret?” I picked up the phone.

“Yes Darlin”?”

“Were you really my sister’s husband?”

“No. I know your whole story. Charlotte did take her own life, but she never knew me.”

“What do you mean whole story?” I have a bad feeling.

“The only part of the last month that wasn’t a lie, was how much I like you. When my brother fucks up, and I assure you he will. I’ll be waiting to give you the life you deserve.” He disconnected.

I closed my eyes. Everything about Bret was a lie. Joe is here, and he hates me. Now I really regret not drowning. I found the chair and sat. “Go ahead. Get it over with.”

“Did you sleep with him?” I can tell he’s pacing.

“No.” I almost said yes just to get this over with. I figure it would serve him right to find out he killed me for no reason. I couldn’t do it though.

“Did you want to?”

“I thought about it, to forget you. But I realized that wouldn’t be fair and decided to move instead.” I found some inner strength and stood up to find vodka. It’s amazing how your attitude changes when you stop giving a shit about everything.

He followed me. “You haven’t been with him?”

“Fuck off Joe.” I drank from the bottle. No sense in leaving dishes.

“Look at me.”

“No. You’re not real.” If he’s not real this will be easier.

“Excuse me?” He grabbed my arms and turned me around to face him.

“Nothing.” I couldn’t look at him because this was not the reunion I wanted, expected, and dreamt of. He was supposed to be happy to see me, not punishing me. I give up. I can’t do anything right.

“Carly!!” He yelled but I couldn’t focus. There’s a nice dark tunnel over there. I think I can sleep there. Suddenly I’m exhausted.

I went into that darkness and found the complete silence I was looking for. There’s no Joe. No Bret. No lies.

The numbness was nice. For once I stopped caring. Nobody mattered. They were all just a bad dream. How can you care about somebody that’s not real?

This is real. The numb, the quiet.

Somebody was yelling my name in the distance, but I don’t care. Let them yell. They’ll get tired and give up eventually. If I focus I can visualize sunflowers in front of me. I can pick them. Lots of them. I like it here.

Except for that annoying echo of my name. Maybe if I just think of it like a wind chime I’ll get used to it.

No, it’s too loud. Why does my chest hurt?

“CARLY!!” Joe.

Wow that hurt. I felt my eyes struggle to stay closed.

“Shit. What have I done? Wake up Carly!!” It’s his voice, but it’s not him.

I’m so tired. So tired. I visualized myself in Joe’s armpit where I like to sleep and let the darkness take me.

“Wake up baby. Come back to me. I’m not mad at you, just come back.” I heard Joe begging.

I felt my body contract and curl into a ball.

“I’m here now, come on, open your eyes for me.”

I screamed no, but I didn’t hear it.

“Carly. Stop it. You’re scaring me. Open your eyes.”

Shit. I wanted to die, not scare people. Fuck. I struggled for a minute and focused on Joe’s face. “You suck.”

He let out a breath. “There she is. It’s okay baby, you can come back.”

“You hate me.” I closed my eyes trying to run back to the darkness.

I felt his grip on my jaw, “No you don’t. Look at me.”

I feel so tired. I turned towards him and tried to look. He seems off. Sad almost. “I’m so tired.”

“Hey, look at me.” He begged.

I closed my eyes clean out of energy. “Dream.” I told myself.

When I dream, Joe’s not mad at me. He holds me and tickles me. He scolds me and confesses his love. I like it there.

Suddenly I felt a rush of cold and snapped back. “What the fuck?!” I tried to push the cold away. When it burned I opened my eyes to find the assailant. “Stop torturing me!!!”

He wrapped a towel around me and said, “That’s my girl. Come on. Come back to me.”

“You hate me.”

“I talked to Bret, I don’t hate you.”

“Bret. That lying fucker.”

I felt his warm arms wrap around me. “I’m sorry.”

“You should be.” I pushed him away. “Where are we?”

“A hotel. I couldn’t stomach that house once he told me he’d been staying there with you for the last month.” He explained turning my chin back to face him. “Hey, look at me.”

I pushed him away again refusing to look at him. “No.” I got up and went to the bathroom slamming the door behind me. I need a minute. The mirror is not my friend right now. I turned on the shower and hid under hot water for a long time.

How dare Joe came back like he did. I all but mourned him for six months and he rejects me? Accuses me of cheating on him? I’m so mad I want to spit nails. I wanted so bad for him to hold me.

I sat in the tub with the water running over me and cried. My chest hurt so bad I had to force myself to stop so I could breathe.

The door opened but I didn’t bother looking up since I knew who it was. He shut the water off and wrapped a towel around me before picking me up and carrying me to the bed.

“That’s enough baby.” He said soothingly.

“You rejected me. I missed you so much and you pushed me away.” I pulled the towel tight around me.

“I know. Not my finer moment. I’m sorry.”

“I thought you were never coming back. I was so happy to see you, now I can’t look at you.” I complained looking at the bedspread.

He lifted my chin, “What can I do to make it up to you?”

I turned away, picked up a pillow and smacked him hard in the head with it. He took the hit patiently, so, I hit him again. And again. I kept hitting him as he let me sit on him and hit him some more. I wasn’t hurting him, but it felt good to beat him, even if it was with a pillow.

I finally tossed the pillow aside as I sat on his chest to finally look at him. “You are such a jerk.”

“I know. Feel better?”

“I’m working on it.” I found my towel and covered back up.

“Why are you covering yourself. You know as soon as I can I’m going to attack you.”