Dr. Brad Has Gone Mad! (2 page)

Dr. Brad looks like one of those mad scientists in the movies who straps people to a dentist chair and removes their brain. He’s an old guy who wears a bow tie, suspenders, and those weird glasses that only cover one eye. What’s up with
that
? And he has crazy hair, like he put his finger
into a lightbulb socket. Somebody should get that guy a comb for his birthday. He is scary looking.

Dr. Brad isn’t like a camp counselor. Camp counselors play games, sing songs, and take you on hikes. Dr. Brad is the kind of counselor who just talks to you, which is no fun at all. Talking is boring, especially when you’re talking to
grown-ups.

Counselors are for kids who are different. Like kids who are smarter or dumber than everybody else. Or kids who learn faster or slower than everybody else. Or kids who have problems. Or kids who don’t have problems. Or kids who are left-handed or color-blind. In other words, counselors are for everybody.

“So zees is zee young genius I heard about,” Dr. Brad said.

He talks funny.
^*

Dr. Brad took out a magnifying glass and looked in my eyes. Then he looked
in my ears. Then he looked in my mouth. Then he looked up my nose.

“You can tell if somebody is a genius by looking at their boogers?” I asked. “That’s amazing!”

“Aha-ha-ha-ha,” laughed Dr. Brad. “Most amusing.”

“What if I
am
a genius?” I asked. “Would that mean I wouldn’t have to go to school anymore because I already know everything?”

“No, no, no!” Dr. Brad said. “Zat vould mean vee vould zend you to a special school for genius kids.”

“Did you ever hear of Dirk School, A.J.?” asked Ms. Coco.

Dirk School?! Of course I heard of Dirk School. Everybody in our town knows about Dirk School. We call it
Dork
School. It’s filled with genius dorks.

“We’re afraid that we might be holding you back here at Ella Mentry School,” Mr. Klutz told me. “You always say school is boring.”

“A.J., you’re like a young flower,” Ms. Coco said. “If you went to Dirk, they would water you and give you sunshine
to help you grow and bloom.”

“I don’t want to be a flower!” I yelled. “I don’t want to get watered! I want to stay here with my friends! Dork School is filled with dorks! I promise I won’t say school is boring anymore. Please don’t send me to Dork! Please? Please? Please?”
^*

“Calm down, A.J.,” said Ms. Coco. “Dr. Brad just wants to run a few tests.”

I didn’t want to go to Dork School. I decided that nobody would ever think I was a genius. I wouldn’t let them.

“I vant to ask a few qvestions, A.J.,” Dr. Brad said. “Vut is two plus two?”

“Five,” I lied.

“Hmmmmmmm,”
said Dr. Brad.

Grown-ups always say “hmmmmmmm” when they’re thinking. Nobody knows why.

“How vould you spell zee verd ‘cat’?” asked Dr. Brad.

“D-O-G,” I lied.

“Hmmmmmmm,”
said Dr. Brad. “Who vas zee first president of zuh United States?”

“A penguin named Binky,” I lied.

“Hmmmmmmm,”
said Dr. Brad.

“What do you think, Doctor?” asked Mr. Klutz.

“Zees young man is a
very
interesting subject,” Dr. Brad said.

Uh-oh. He said I was interesting. That could mean
anything
.

“Do you think he might be a genius?” asked Ms. Coco. “The poems he has written are
very
creative.”

“I vill need to do furzer tests,” Dr. Brad said. “A.J., come vis me to Room 104.”

No! Not Room 104!

Room 104 is a mysterious secret room where they put the crazy kids! There
are strange sounds and weird machines in there. Everybody says that’s where Dr. Brad takes out your brain and puts a monkey brain in its place. When kids go to Room 104,
they never come out again!

I thought I was gonna die.

Dr. Brad gave me a little push into Room 104. There were signs on the walls:
RESPECT OTHERS. BE CONSIDERATE. EXPRESS YOUR FEELINGS
. There were a lot of bookshelves, too, some weird-looking machines, and a couch. That’s what you lie on when they remove your brain.

Actually, I had been in this room before. One time our security guard, Officer Spence, went crazy and used Dr. Brad’s lie detector machine to see if I stole my own peanut butter and jelly sandwich. That was weird.

Officer Spence makes no sense.

“Lie down on zee couch, A.J.,” Dr. Brad told me.

“Are you gonna take out my brain and give me a monkey brain?” I asked.

“No, no, no,” Dr. Brad said. “I just vant you to look at zeez pictures and tell me vut you see.”

I lay on the couch, but I was ready to jump up and run away in case he tried to cut open my skull.

Dr. Brad held a piece of white cardboard in front of me. It looked like somebody spilled ink on it.

“Vut do you see here, A.J.?”

“It looks like somebody spilled some ink on that cardboard,” I replied.

“Ees zat all?” Dr. Brad asked. “Don’t you see a giant spider who ees jumping on a pogo stick inside a volcano?”

“Uh, no,” I said, looking at the card more closely.

Dr. Brad didn’t look happy. He took out another card with a different ink blot on it and put it in front of my face.

“And vut do you see here?”

“Looks like another ink blot,” I told him.

“Look very closely,” Dr. Brad said. “Don’t you see a hot dog chasing donuts through a tunnel? Or a big piece of cheese playing Scrabble with two unicorns? Or a man in a red coat eating pistachio nuts in a swimming pool?”

Dr. Brad was getting all excited. His eyebrows were jumping up and down. I looked at the card again.

“Nope,” I said. “Looks like an ink blot to me.”

“
Hmmm
, interesting,” Dr. Brad said as he shook his head and took out another card. “How about zis vun?”

“I guess maybe it looks a little like a cloud,” I said, trying to be helpful.

“Don’t you see zee umbrella being crushed by zuh hippopotamus? Zee bicycle in zuh sky vis no rider on it? Zee train zat ees being svallowed up by zuh giant boa constrictor?”

“Nope,” I said, “I don’t see any of those things.”

“How can you not see zat?!” Dr. Brad yelled, waving his arms around. “Eet ees so obvious! Are you blind? Eet ees right
zare! Can’t you see zee big snake? Vy can’t you see zat?”

“I don’t know!” I said. “I just don’t see it!”

Dr. Brad ripped the last picture into a bunch of little pieces.

“Go back to your class, A.J.,” Dr. Brad said. “I vill have to do furzer tests.”

I made a dash for the door before he had the chance to change his mind and give me a monkey brain. As I ran down the hall, I could still hear him saying “
Hmmmm
, interesting” over and over again.

By the time I got back to Mr. Granite’s class, everybody was at lunch. So I went straight to the vomitorium to join the guys. Andrea, Emily, and two of their girl friends were sitting at the next table.

Michael had a bag of Crispy Cheezeballs. Neil the nude kid had a bag of Cheezy Crispballs. Ryan was eating
carrot sticks. Ugh! Ryan will eat
anything
.

“You were in Mr. Klutz’s office for a
long
time, A.J.,” Michael said. “Did you get in trouble?”

“Yeah, what did he do to you?” asked Neil.

“Are you gonna get kicked out of school?” asked Ryan.

“Nah,” I told them, “but Dr. Brad is doing some tests on me. They might send me to Dirk School.”

“Dork School?!” the guys yelled.

“Isn’t that the school for genius kids?” asked Ryan.

That’s when Little Miss Perfect jumped up from her seat.

“What?!” Andrea shouted. “
You’re
switching to Dirk?! My mom has been trying to get me into Dirk ever since I was in kindergarten! They keep turning me down. If
anybody
should be sent to Dirk School, it’s
me
! Not
you
!”

“That’s right,” said Emily, who always agrees with everything Andrea says.

“I wish you
would
go to Dork School,” I told Andrea. “So we wouldn’t have you around here anymore.”

“Oh, snap!” said Ryan.

“You know, girls are smarter than boys,” Andrea said. “Some scientists did an experiment and proved it.”

“Some scientists should do an experiment on your
face
,” I told Andrea.

“Oh, snap!” said Ryan.

“You’re mean, A.J.!” Emily said.

“She started it,” I said.

“Boys eat mud!” said Andrea’s other
little flunky, who was named Annette.

“Girls have six toes on each foot!” said Neil the nude kid. I knew that wasn’t true, but it sounded good.

“Boys are smelly!” said Julie, who was also sitting at Andrea’s table.

“Boys go to college to get more knowledge!” said Michael. “Girls go to Jupiter to get more stupider!”

Everybody was yelling at one another. Kids at the other tables were looking at us. I was trying to think of something really mean to say about girls, but I couldn’t come up with anything good. It didn’t matter though, because at that moment, Dr. Brad came rushing over to our table.

“SHTOP!” he hollered. Everybody shtopped, I mean, stopped.

It was so quiet, you could hear a pin drop. Not a bowling pin, though. They make a lot of noise when they drop. I mean one of those little pins, like the ones my mom uses to sew stuff.

“No more of zees fighting!” Dr. Brad yelled. “No more shouting! You must learn to get along!”

Dr. Brad went on and on, telling us that boys and girls need to be polite and respectful of one another so we can live in peace and harmony and all that other stuff counselors always say.

Everybody was quiet while he talked. We all looked at the floor. Any time a grown-up yells, you’re supposed to look at the floor. Nobody knows why.

“I’m sorry, Dr. Brad,” said Andrea, who never misses the chance to brownnose a grown-up.

“Are we going to be punished?” asked Emily quietly.

“No, no, no,” Dr. Brad said. “I have anuzer idea. Tomorrow morning, I vant each
of you to bring in your favorite toy from home.”

“What?” I asked. “Our favorite toy?”

“Zat’s right,” Dr. Brad said. “Come to Room 104 vis your toy first zing in zee morning.”

“But—” Ryan said.

“NO BUTS!” shouted Dr. Brad.

We all giggled because Dr. Brad said “but,” which sounds the same as “butt” even if it’s spelled differently.
^*
Any time a grown-up says “but,” you should giggle. That’s the first rule of being a kid.