Drowning (Tears of Sin Series) (13 page)

I
T
’
S BEEN MONTHS
,
BUT MY
hand has not forgotten the path. I draw and draw. I only take breaks for water and the bathroom. Time passes around me, but I'm lost in my own little world. The world where the bad men die and the good guys pick up little girls on cold stairwells. I'm through my sketch pad and have moved on to canvas. Pictures and paint fly everywhere.
A gasp at the door to the studio catches my attention. I glance up and see Molly's startled expression. She can't see me, so if I'm quiet, maybe she won't know that I've so completely shattered my promise to myself. But she's not alone. Rowena and Seth watch over Molly's shoulder. Rowena steps past Molly. “Are you drawing?”
Seth sees what I've been drawing and painting, and his expression goes blank. At first, he seems shocked, but now...nothing. “She's painting and drawing.”
Rowena walks across the room, stepping on some of my pieces, and I lose it. “Don't. Get the fuck out!” She backs up a step, but it only means that she's now stepped on another picture. I growl at her. It’s that or throw something. She’s ruining my work. My heart. My tears. They are lying around me in a mix of color, and Rowena just stuck her size nines on them.
“Okay, Alice. I'm leaving, but I'm taking Molly home for a few days. She doesn't need to be here when you're like this.” Row grabs onto Molly’s arm and whirls her around.
Mole struggles to break free. “Mom, I'm not leaving her. Alice needs me.”
“Honey, I forbid it. I'm not even sure that she's been bathing.”
She's right. It has been a couple of days since I last showered. Two, I think.
“Let's go.” Row, grabs Molly's arm and drags her back. “Alice, let Molly know when you're with us again.”
I'm left with no one.
Seth is standing there staring at me—the broken girl. I glance up at him. “What?”
“These are so... They're me.”
I watch his hands cradle my work. “Yeah.” It’s almost like he’s holding a piece of me. It’s too personal, but they are also part of him. I can’t take it away.
He crouches down and touches one of the sketches. It’s of him smiling. “No, Alice. They are the real me. You looked down past the boy and found the man.”
And like that, I’m back. My troubles are locked back into the box of sin, and I’m not drowning. I’m here. I’m with him, and he sees me like I see him.
“It wasn't hard.” I lay back in my nest of Seth faces.
He thumbs through the pictures. “Okay, you're going to have to explain all this to me.”
“It's what I do. I snap, and then I'm gone.” I spread my arms out. “This is me.”
He walks over to me and leans over. “But why?”
“I don't know you well enough to tell you that.” My shirt has ridden up, and I know that he can see my panties and bare legs. He'll see them soon. The scars that line my inner thighs. The ones that got me labeled as a cutter.
He reaches down and traces one. “Are these you too?”
I roll away from him and stagger to stand. It’s too much. He’s too much. His fingers grazed my skin and there’s a warm path left in their absence. I’ve never shared with anyone like this. He’s taking down all my defenses and leaving me with nothing. “No. Those are him.”
He stiffens. “Your father?”
I nod and walk past him. I know it's confusing. But how do you put years of pain into the right words?
“Wait. Alice?” Seth follows me out of the room and to the bathroom. “You can't just drop that on me like this.”
I stop inside and lean against the counter. “Why are you here?”
“I was worried about you. When I heard Molly and her mom, I asked if I could check on you.” He rakes a hand through his hair. “Molly knew didn't she? When I told her I hadn't seen you in days. She knew you’d been locked away in there.”
“She's seen me get crazy before.”
He steps back and nods to the door. “Take a shower, then you and I are going to talk.”
I'm not sure what else he wants me to say, but I know I don't have the energy. Funny how when all you want is to be alone, the one person you're running from makes it the hardest.
I take a thorough shower. Quite frankly, I need it. I smell, and I'm not sure if I even changed my panties this weekend. The hot water washes away some of the crazy. I should have done this sooner.
Refreshed and clearer, I find Seth stirring something at my stove, and my stomach jumps at the smell.
“I made you some soup.” He pours me a bowl and sets it at our small table. “When was the last time you ate?”
I shrug and pick up the spoon. “Thanks.”
He sits with me, nursing a cup of coffee. “Want to talk?”
“No.”
He sighs and tosses the remains in his cup until they swirl. “When I was twelve my mom left.” He shifts in his seat. “We had a really good family. My dad was home every night. She baked. I remember a lot of happy times before then.”
I smile, wondering what it would have been like to have a normal childhood. I'm glad he had those years, and more than a little envious.
“She hurt her foot doing some Jazzercise or something, and the docs prescribed painkillers. Dad had no idea that she was prone to addiction. None of us knew that she'd become hooked and moved from one injury to the next until the doctors figured it out.”
I watch his mouth as he shares his past. “When the last doc finally said no more, she took it to the streets.” He tilted his head to the side. “To this day, I still don't understand how someone so completely normal and full of love could do that to her family.”
I reach across and grab his hand. A buzz passes between us. I wonder if he feels it to. “She wasn't doing it to you; you were a by-product of her self-mutilation.”
He nods. “I guess. But she changed our life. It sure felt like she was doing it to us.”
I spoon the warm soup in and try to hold it down. If he thought his story would get me to talk, he was wrong.
“Alice. Give me something.”
I drain my bowl, wipe my mouth, and hop up from my seat. I’m going to paste on a smile and stop all this deep shit. “Why don't you just go home? I'll be fine now. I have it out of my system.”
“I can't.” There’s a dark light to his eyes that promises this is more than a quick fake sympathy session.
“Why? Seth, we're barely friends, if we're that. You don't need to be tied to my problems.”
He stands and follows me to the sink. “What if I want to be more?”
I back up and into the counter top. “Why? We haven't even kissed.”
He’s almost to me now. After the days of being isolate in my studio, my skin crawls with having someone so close. I can feel each fine hair on my arm stand on end, and there’s a thin bead of sweat trailing from my hairline down my back.
“Somehow I don't think sex is the way to your heart.” He places a hand above my breast on the right side. His index finger taps a rhythm there, completely his own and at odds with the increasing speed of my heart.
He wants to claim my heart, but I only have an organ. It beats. It pumps the blood. But the soul has been ripped from it and wrapped around the ghost of a six-year-old girl.
“I can't.”
“You won't try.”
I lean away from him, desperately trying to put some space between us, but it lines our groins up. “I'm not even sure I can put up with your spoiled ways long enough to try.” I don’t know why I’m trying to hurt him, but I am.
He laughs, but there is no humor in it. “What else do I have to do to prove to you that I'm not spoiled? I've fed the hungry, taken you to an underground, and made sure you weren't dead.” He scoots closer. “I'm spoiled. I can't help that. My father bought us for his guilt. He couldn't be around us. Especially me. I look like my mom. Gabe was always easier for him. And when I didn't want the same things he wanted for me, he tried to buy me back. He was never around after she left.” His arms link around me. “Don’t you get it? We're all a little crazy. Our pasts create who we are, but only we choose to let it continue to rule us.” He pulls me close. “Don't let your past ruin the rest of your life. Our lives.”
His head dips fast and his lips brush mine. I’m not ready for his kiss. I don’t even think he really expected to take it there, but his mouth is now hot against mine. His tongue teases along the seam of my lips, and I open on a sigh. I still taste the salt from the soup and am not ready for the coffee flavored tongue that enters me. His hands cup my jaw, and he presses just hard enough to make me gasp. The little edge of pain is like a panic button for my libido. I kiss him back. No, I attack him, molding my chest to his. My hips lined up perfectly for his arousal.
“Alice.” He deepens the kiss, plunging his tongue deep against mine, and runs a hand across the back of my neck to pull me tighter against him. Our teeth grate together, but I don’t care. This feels right. It is so wrong, but I don’t care. I want him.
My nipples harden beneath my shirt where they press against him. He groans, and his other hand finds my hip. The length of his erection presses against my boxers. The thick shaft is a hard ridge against my pelvic bone. He’s not grinding against me like some guys would, but if he did, as hard as he is, it would be a sweet pain against my flesh. My panties are damp and sticking to me and I want them off.
No.
I can’t do that. I can’t be this girl.
I break away and back up. We pant, foreheads touching. His is clammy from the heat building between us. My eyes aren’t quite focused yet.
I trace a finger down his jaw line. “Wow.”
His blue eyes are almost black, and he rubs a thumb across my bottom lip. “I'm going to go. While I still can.” He leans down for one more peck. “Come over tonight. We'll be practicing. Lilith will be there, so you'll get to hear the words.”
I find myself whispering okay and actually looking forward to it.
“Promise?”
“Yes.”
“Okay.” He grins and backs away three steps before rushing back to me for another long and thorough kiss. “Okay...okay.”
I stay bent back against my kitchen sink and watch him walk to the door.
“Alice. You'll be okay. I won't let you be anything else.”
Oh, this boy has no clue what he’s up against. The part of me that distances itself during intimacy steps forward and wants to take another try at him. Just to be sure the spark I'd felt was real, or if it was a need to be loved.

F
UCK
,
FUCK
,
FUCK
. I
KNEW
eventually I’d kiss her. I didn’t expect for my heart to fly in my throat and my dick to offer death threats if I didn’t let him out. Her lips were soft pillows for mine, and as respectful as I want to be with her, I still can’t keep the image of them wrapped around my little Seth out of my head. She’d been right there with me. Her damp heat coaxed my hard-on closer. If she hadn’t broken away, I’d have had her thighs around my waist and been searching for her room.
I'm overwhelmed with Alice. She has issues that I have no clue how to deal with, and I'm not sure that I want to be involved with someone who goes a little crazy. But...she knows me. She gets me. She sees under my bullshit and sees the real me. How do I walk away from that?
Lilith plops down next to me on the couch, and I want to shove her to the floor. This is Alice's couch. Gabe is at the piano plunking an annoying arrangement of keys, and Lilith begins whining about the racket. I'm seeing all of them like they're in a reality show, and I'm the viewer.
Deacon walks in and thumps me on the ear. “Why do you look like someone reamed your asshole?”
I scrub at my stinging ear. “Asshat.”
“At least I wear one?”
I laugh. “That made no sense.”
Deacon shrugs. “Got you to laugh. What's up?”
I shake my head and try to communicate that I don't want to talk about it around Lilith the barracuda.
“Hmmm... It wouldn't have something to do with the cutie next door.”
Lilith stiffens beside me and removes her hand from my thigh. I’ve never been so caught up in a girl that I don’t notice when trolls nearly grab my junk. “Are you dating someone?”
“No.” But I’d give anything for another go at the lost girl next door. Damn, I have to get my shit together. We have work to do, and I’m totally wrapped up in that kiss.
Her lips twist into a sneer. “Then what is he talking about?”
“She's just a friend.” Crap. I don’t need this right now. I certainly don’t need to feel the little painful thud when I uttered the word friend.
There's a knock at the front door that I barely hear over the piano, but somehow Gabe hears it, and I think he knows who it is. He arches a brow at me and jumps up. I move to stand, but he pushes me in the chest until I'm forced back to the couch. A few minutes later, he rushes back into the room with Alice upside down over his shoulder.
She's beating him in the ass and laughing. She always laughs at Gabe. Someday, I’ll hear her laugh for me. “You big ape. Put me down. I still have not forgiven you.”
He rights her and pulls her into a hug. “Can't stay mad at me and stay here.”
She twists his nipple. “This isn't your house.”
He lurches back and spins her toward me. “Tell her how it is, bro.”
I can't stop the grin. She has pink cheeks from her recent world tilt. “Nope. Gotta take us both or nothing.”
She shakes her head, and it happens. She smiles at me, and a giggle slips past those soft lips. “Fine. If I must.”
Lilith stands and hovers over Alice. Fuck me. I forgot about the hellhound, and she will make us all pay for not giving her one hundred percent of the attention.
With the heels, Lil is about eight inches taller than Alice. “Hello. We haven't met.”
“Hi, I'm Alice.” She holds out her hand, but Lilith looks at it like she's lost her mind.
“Why are you here?”
I will not stand by and let her sink her claws into Alice. Enough people have hurt her. “Lil—”
Lilith flicks a strand of hair over her shoulder. “No, I want to know.”
Alice turns to me and then Gabe, who only shrugs. She reaches for the little barbell in her eyebrow. Lilith backs up a step. “What are you doing?”
“You want to piss in the bushes, well, let's go. I've eaten little Barbie’s like you before. Literally.” Lilith is almost shaking. “You don't scare me, bitch.”
Wait, did she just say she'd gone down on a girl? My cock likes the idea of that.
Deacon stands. “Girls.”
Lilith backs up another step. Alice angry was something to behold. “Listen. I just asked you a question. You're crazy, bitch, if you think I'm going to mess up this manicure.”
Alice does this cute thing where she thumbs her chin like she’s about to go three rounds with Lil. “I'm not trying to fight your fingernails.”
Oh shit. She’s going to kick Lilith’s ass. A swell of pride inflates my chest, and I’m almost giddy waiting for someone to finally put Lil in her place. God knows, none of us can.
“You are psycho.”
Alice laughs and put her eyebrow bar back in. “Nah. I'm just messing with you. You should never go at someone unless you know that you can beat them.”
Lilith slumps to the couch. Her hands are shaking. “You think you had me?”
“I'm just messing with you. What kind of crazy person goes at someone they just met? Just don't piss on my bush, and we're good.”
I'm not sure what planets aligned when they led me to her, but I think I'm falling for this brown-eyed girl. Even with all her troubles and wacked out spells of crazy, I’ve forgotten what my life was like before her.
With a warning glare at Lil, I ask, “Are we going to practice?”
Everyone else grumbles and moves into position. Alice sits in her corner on the couch and pulls the blanket I'd left for her from the back. “Kill it, bitches.”
Since the last time we were together, she’s completely secured the mask. No one would ever know that she just spent three days drawing pictures of me like some maniacal serial killer.
We all laugh, well, everyone but Lilith. She turns to me the way she always does. Alice catches my eye and laughs. “Have you ever done a concert?”
There it is again. That husky tinkle of sound that tells me she’s happy. “We have one scheduled in three weeks. Why?”
“She does know that she has to sing to the audience. Right?”
Deacon whistles but ducks his head.
I snicker. “Yeah, she knows.”
Alice makes a big O with her mouth and winks. She lies back on the sofa, crossing her hands beneath her head. It makes the edge of her shirt ride up to allow about two inches of skin to show. It’s enough for a tease, but not enough to cover the ugly scar snaking around her waist. I slam the drumstick down with more force than necessary and count the beat. I'll kill the motherfucker that tortured her. I'll find him and break him. Who did that to someone like Alice?
Deacon edges between Lilith and me and frowns. I was speeding the count. I concentrate on slowing down when Alice glances my way. She's noticed too. Lilith takes the microphone in her hands and begins her high falsetto before lowering as far as she can go. It isn't enough. She was a key too high. Evan groans. And I still hear him over the bleat of her high pitch. Alice makes faces at me from the couch, and I can't keep back the laugh. Lil turns, but Alice has returned to her normal position.
After that everything seems to settle down, and we make it through a set. Gabe abandons the piano and lifts Alice's head, placing her back down when he sits. I didn't like her head on his lap, but I don't think Gabe is trying to make me jealous. There is just something about Alice that seems to settle a man. She checks her watch and eyes Lilith. Gabe leans over her, and she whispers something to him.
I can’t take it anymore. I drop my sticks and wedge around my skins to take my place on the couch, at her feet, lifting them and dropping them in my lap. We have her in a James sawhorse. “Hey lovebirds, what are ya talking about.”
Deacon groans. “I guess we’re done for now?”
Evan doesn’t say anything and begins disconnecting amps, hooking guitars back on their stands, and cleaning up our mess. Evan can’t really stand for things to be out of place.
I grin at Deacon. He knows I won’t leave her with Gabe. “Yep.”
He rolls his eyes at me, but there’s a hint at a smile on his mouth.
Gabe glances up with a smug grin plastered over his face. “Alice wants to have a slumber party.”
I watch Alice giggle against Gabe's chest. She seems so at home there. “A slumber party?”
She shakes her head and sits up. “No. I told him that I probably wasn't going to get any sleep tonight with the image of Lilith's butt in my face all night.”
Lilith slides on her heels and grabs her purse. “I'm not staying here while this bitch takes digs at me.” She waits at the door and watches us. “Well, Seth, aren't you going to see me to the door.”
“Uh, no. You've found it yourself every other time.”
She squeals and rushes outside. Deacon clicks his tongue and throws one of my drumsticks at me. “Don't piss her off. We don't have time to find another singer.”
“Yeah, but it'd be nice if we could.”
Alice slides on her converses and straightens her shirt. “Thanks for the show.”
“I can walk you out.”
The guys snicker and she grins. “I have found it on my own all the other times.”
Yeah, but this time, I don't want her to. I want to walk her to the door. I want to steal a kiss. Make her dream of me sweetly. “You could stay.”
I have no idea where that came from, but my heart is pounding, and I’m suddenly desperate to hear her say yes.
“Here?”
“Yeah. here.”
“Nah, I'd cramp all your farting and reach overs.”
Gabe hoots and picks her up, spinning her in circles. “I love you.”
She grabs his cheeks and kisses him on the forehead. “I adore you.”
What the fuck? “Put. Her. Down.”
Gabe lowers her to the ground and takes a large step away. “Easy, bro. Alice knew what I meant.” He steps behind her. “Right?”
She doesn’t say anything. Just reaches down and takes off her Converse and throws it at me. It bounces against my stomach and thuds on the carpet. “Stop being a dick. We were playing. You know, forget it.” She hobbles to the door.
“Alice. Wait.” I catch her before she makes it out.
She twists free. “Don't.” She storms to her apartment and leaves me standing in the hall, feeling like a fool.
Gabe doesn't want her. He'd probably bag her if he could, but he knows I want her. A large hand grabs my shoulder and draws me back inside. “Dude. Let her go. And if you want a girl like Alice to settle down for you, you got to quit acting like a spoiled fucking punk.”
“I am not fucking spoiled.”
Evan’s soft voice travels across the room, surprising both Gabe and I. “Arrogant?”
He may have a point. Ego isn't something we James men lack. “I may be a little of that, but that's not a bad thing.” I brush past him. “I prefer to think of it as confidence.”
“So what are you going to do about her?” Gabe flexes his neck. I’m sure my problems are already boring the shit out of him.
“I don't know.” I lurch to the kitchen, completely defeated. “I kissed her.”
Deacon steps forward, dragging Evan with him. “Oh, yeah?” They gather at the bar and take the cold beers I hand them. “And?”
My cock stirs against my jeans at the memory of how fantastic that first kiss was, but I can’t tell them the details. That wouldn’t be right. But I also couldn’t lie to them. “It was good.”
Evan clicks his tongue ring against his teeth. “Good?” His blond hair brushes forward, hanging over one coal lined eye. “How good?”
“Better than.” I shrug. “I don’t know what I’m doing.”
Gabe laughs. “You have it bad already.”
Fucking brothers. If it wasn’t already obvious to everyone in the room, then no matter what I say it’ll concrete that fact. “I don’t. Maybe. I don’t know.” I hope that satisfies them enough not to press the subject. “She's different. Damaged. I don't know if I'm pushing in the right direction or not.”
Deacon belches and pats his stomach. “You have to quit pushing period. You push everyone. This band. Gabe. Your dad. It's time to take a breath, dude.”
“I know. I know.” A pile of peeled label stacks up around my bottle. These guys have me twitching like a twelve-year-old boy trying to steal his first feel. “But how do you stop being the man you've been since birth?”
Gabe pats my shoulder. “You learn to trust. Trust that your heart will guide you true.”
I think we're writing a song, and we don't even realize it.