Early Spring 01 Broken Flower (13 page)

"What?"
"He's trying to do what Danny tried to do to me and if he does, he could make you pregnant."
"You mean put tadpoles in there."
"Tadpoles? Oh, yes," she said, smiling. "Is that what Ian told you?"
I nodded.
"See he's just like any other boy. That sounds almost harmless. Tadpoles. Its not tadpoles, it's..."
"I know. Sperm," I said. I had just read it this morning in the book Ian had given me.
"So you know. Good. Let's see how far along you are," she said, and before I could stop her, she reached farther up to the elastic of my panties and brought them down enough for her to look. She nodded. "More than I had at your age.' she said, as if I had done something better. "I don't know if your doctor can turn this around. I didn't get a period like you did."
Then she touched me. "How does that feel?"
I didn't speak and she touched me again, keeping her fingers there and moving them until I did feel a tingling and a warmth that traveled so quickly up my body. I thought I had been electrically shocked. I practically leaped off the sofa.
She laughed as I pulled up my panties. ".Easy. That's nothing. If a boy did that to you, you would be in more trouble. Come on, sit down again," she said, patting the sofa where I had been.
"I gotta find Ian,"
I
said. "My mother left the cabin and I have to tell him."
"Oh. Ian's out there somewhere looking for bugs or plants. You won't find him. Come on. Let me tell you more stuff you have to know,"
I shook my head. "I gotta find him." I started toward the door.
She stood up to block me. "You're not going to find him, Jordan."
"I gotta." I said.
She thought a moment and then smiled. "I'll tell you what. I'll go out with you in a while and help you look. Together, we'll find him. It will be too difficult for you by yourself."
I hesitated.
"You're not going to go running back through the woods by yourself again anyway, are you? If we don't find him, I'll walk you back to your cabin."
"You will?"
"Sure I will. I said I would." She grasped my wrist. "Sit on the sofa.I'll tell you more about what happened with Danny Hopkins. You want to hear about that, don't you? You want to learn about boys, right?"
"Yes," I said.
"Okay."
She guided me back to the sofa. "You ever see your brother naked?"
I shook my head.
"Any boy?"
"Pictures?"
I shook my head again.
"Where do you live, Never Never Land?"
"Bethlehem, Pennsylvania," I said, and she laughed.
"Okay, okay. I shouldn't laugh at you. I wasn't all that much more sophisticated than you are when it all happened to me. Let's get back to my story. So Danny loses the coin toss. He said heads and it was tails and he has to go first. He unzips his pants. I think he enjoyed it more than I did. I have to tell you I think I was in a little state of shock. I was like numb and I was all alone with him, too. He could deny everything and I couldn't prove it.
"That's why it's important you don't learn all this from a boy, Jordan. You get too surprised and you're off guard and they can take advantage of you. But how are you going to know what it's going to feel like? You can do it yourself, but you'll be afraid and you won't understand without someone older and experienced to tell you about it. That's why I can help you," she said, and put her hands under my skirt again.
As she manipulated my panties. I felt tears begin to well up in my eyes. Where was Ian? What was that noise in the woods? Was it the black bear? Would I get lost if I ran out of here? Mama was going to be so angry and she was so furious already.
When she had my panties down again. I put my hand on hers to stop her from touching me.
"Relax. Don't be afraid. I'll take you home," Flora said. "Stop worrying about it. Think about what I'm trying to teach you, okay? Okay?"
I nodded and stopped pressing so hard on her hand.
"Close your eyes," she said. "Just lean back. Go on. I'm going to show you something and then we'll take you home."
Her fingers moved. My heart was pounding and the feelings I was getting in my chest moved like another hand, an invisible one, over my buds.
"See?" she said. "See how it makes you feel. See how you feel a little weak inside. Then the boy does this," she said, and this time. I screamed, jumped off the sofa so fast and hard. I bumped her head and she fell over and onto the coffee table. My panties weren't even pulled all the way up, but I charged for the door.
She screamed as I opened it.
"You idiot!" she shouted as she lifted herself off the table and held up the plastic tin. She had fallen over it and rolled over the table.
You ruined my butterfly!"

Black bear or no black bear. I ran headlong and wildly across the field and back into the woods. Charging down the path I remembered taking to the camper. I took the best care I could not to run into another thorn bush. I kept my eyes fixed ahead because I was too frightened to look left or right. If anything was near me. I wouldn't hear it either. My ears were thunderous with the rush of my blood roaring through my veins. My side ached with the effort to run as fast as I could.

I was doing well until I was nearly home. Excited by the prospect of being safe. I didn't watch my steps. I tripped and went flying headlong into a pool of muddy water. Trying to break the fall with my hands out. I skinned my palms on some rocks. The instant I hit the ground. I rushed to get up, splashing the dirty water over my shoes and socks and lower legs. My dress was soaked with mud. I knew I was crying, even though I couldn't hear my sobs. Finally. I reached our cabin's backyard. Only then did I stop to catch my breath. I gasped and gasped, pressing my hands into my sides to see if I could stop the pain.

"What do you think you're doing, Jordan?" I heard, and looked to my right to see Ian coming out of the toolshed. He closed the door and gaped at me. "Where were you? What happened to you?"

I couldn't speak. Instead. I ran around to the front of the cabin. Our car was not there. Mama had not returned from her errand. I was both happy and unhappy about that. I didn't want her to set me like this, but I needed her, too. I needed her arms around me and her shoulder to cry on.

As soon as
I
entered the cabin.
I
took off my muddied shoes and socks so I wouldn't track dirt all over the floors. I heard Ian coming up the stairs outside, so I ran into the bathroom, carrying my shoes and socks. I closed and locked the bathroom door.

I was just too ashamed to face him, especially since he had told me to forget about Flora and Addison. I knew he would be angry. When I looked at myself in the mirror. I couldn't believe how filthy I was. The mud was even in my hair and down my neck. Now I was very happy Mama wasn't here to set it. She would surely cry at the sight of me.

Ian knocked on the door. "Jordan? Jordan, where were you? What happened to you?"
He tried the door and rapped it harder. 'Open the door, Jordan."
"Leave me alone, Ian. I have to get clean," I said.
"Not until you tell me where you were. Why did you come out of the woods? Did you go back to the campground? Did you see Flora? Jordan, you'd better answer me."
I couldn't help my crying now. I just stood there, holding my side and sobbing, my body shaking. He knocked again and again, urging me to open the door. Then I heard Daddy shout from the top of the stairway.
"What the hell are you kids doing down there? Quit that banging! I'm trying to get some sleep."
Ian stopped knocking, but he didn't walk away. He brought his lips close to the door and whispered through the crack. "Jordan, you'd better tell me where you were and why you were running like that. Come on. Come out. I'm not going away until you open this door, Jordan."
I knew he would stay there all day and all night if he had to. Ian was like that when he made his mind up about something. Daddy said he would make a great prisoner of war. He would never reveal a secret even if they pulled all his hair out strand by strand with a tweezer.
"I've got to take a bath first, Ian," I said.
He was quiet for a moment, and then he said, "I'll be right out here, waiting."
I had to gather my thoughts. Would I tell him what had happened exactly or could I lie and get away with a story?
Maybe I could do it so he wouldn't know I had even seen Flora? But What if he saw this bandage on me? He'd want to know about that, wouldn't he? I'll have to take it off. It will fall off when I'm in the tub anyway. I thought.
I ran the water into the nib and began to remove my muddied dress. The dirty water had gone through and even stained my panties. I took them off and then waited for the tub to fill. Before I stepped into it. I heard Ian again. He was still right at the door.
"I want to know if you went back to that campground and saw her, Jordan. I'm not waiting here to find out. You'd better tell me."
My heart started to race again. I got into the tub without saying a word. It felt good just to soak and the warm water did calm me. I thought I could hear Ian's breathing through the door and imagined he was leaning against it, impatient and growing angrier and angrier.
"I went looking for you!" I shouted. "And I fell in the mud." It was much easier to lie with a door between us.
"I thought the bear was after me," I added. After all, that was the truth. "I wanted to tell you Mama had gone on an errand and it would take her all day, but I got frightened and ran and ran until 1 fell."
"All day? Where did she go?"
"I don't know!"
I waited, holding my breath. Would he believe me?
"She'll blame what happened to you on me for sure," he said. "Let me in. I'll put your clothes in the washer and I'll clean up your shoes. Maybe we won't have to tell her."
"I'm in the tub, Ian. Wait until I finish."
"Why did you lock the door? You should never lock the door, Jordan."
"I'll be out soon,"
I
said. I took off the bandage Flora had put on me. The scratch hurt again and brought tears back to my eyes. Mama was sure to see this. I thought. I started to wash it with the washcloth and soap.
Then I heard what sounded like scratching at the door and realized Ian was doing something to unlock it. Before I could stop him, he succeeded and stepped into the bathroom. He closed the door and looked down at me in the tub. The bandage was on the side of it. His eyes went from it to my leg and then back to me.
"How did you get that?"
"A thorn bush scratched me when I ran. I told you. I thought the bear was after me or you were teasing me," I said.
"Where did you get the bandage?" He picked it up and studied it. "Well?"
"I put it on myself." I said.
He smirked. "Jordan, why would you put it on, get in the tub, and take it off?"
"I don't know," I said.
"Jordan, tell me the truth. Stop your lying." He narrowed his eyes into those slits of penetration. "Why are you lying anyway? What are you afraid to tell me?"
I looked down but it was too late. He knew where I had gone.
"You saw Flora," he said. He squatted beside the tub. "What else did she tell you? Well? Talk."
I shook my head.
He stood up. "I guess I'll have to tell Mother and Father what you did then," he said. "Mother won't like it that you went into the woods alone, and when she finds out about that girl..."
"Don't. Mama's very upset, Ian."
"Then talk. I have to know everything. Jordan, or I can't help you."
"She told me about a boy who tried to put his sperm in her," I blurted.
He simply stared at me for one of those famous Ian moments.
"She's disgusting," he muttered. "Did she do anything else to you besides putting on that bandage? Did she?" he followed quickly and loudly. "You'd better tell me, Jordan. She could hurt you."
"She wanted to show me what could happen," I said.
"What? Show you? How did she do that, Jordan?" He knelt beside the tub again, his face now inches from mine. "Tell me exactly what she did. Exactly," he emphasized.
I bit down on my lower lip. I didn't want to talk about it.
"You have to tell me," he said. "It's very, very important." He put his hand on my shoulder and fixed his eyes on me so intently. I started to cry again.
"Damn her," he said. "Tell me everything right now or else."
I told him, blurting it all out as quickly as
I
could to get it over with.
Anger washed a crimson tint through his fact that darkened his eyes and tightened his lips. He stood up slowly when I was finished.
"She's a sick person," he said. I'm going to make sure she never bothers you again."
He turned and walked out of the bathroom, but suddenly returned to the doorway. "When you get out, put another bandage on that. There is some antiseptic in the cabinet. Put it on first. Dry around it and put the bandage on. Then take your dress, socks, and panties to the washing machine and put them in. I'll take care of it when I return. Leave your shoes by the washing machine. Do it all quickly before Mother returns. I don't think Father is coming downstairs for a while yet," he added.
Then he left.
I did what he told me and changed into a pair of jeans and a blue cotton blouse. I put on some sandals and socks and went out on the porch to see what he was doing, but he wasn't anywhere in sight and didn't answer when I called for him. It was almost lunchtime so I thought he would be back any moment. I went into the kitchen and took out the sandwiches and put them on plates on the table. I thought he might want lemonade so I took that out as well and set out some glasses and napkins. I wondered if Daddy was hungry yet and went to the stairway to listen to set if he had gotten up, but it was very quiet.
Returning to the kitchen. I sat and waited. Finally. I got too hungry, to wait any longer and started to eat my sandwich. I was almost finished when I heard Daddy on the stairway. He came down and into the kitchen. He was in his bathrobe and barefoot, but he looked more together and more awake. He had brushed his hair.
"Hey. Jordan," he said. "Lunchtime, huh?"
"Yes, Daddy."
"Where's Ian?"
"I don't know. He went out again," I said.
Daddy went to the refrigerator and looked inside. "I'm actually starving," he said, and began to take out the ingredients to make himself a sandwich of turkey and cheese. "I vaguely remember your telling me something about your mother going on an errand. Jordan," he said as he prepared his sandwich. "Where'd she go?"
"I don't know, Daddy."
He looked at me and then brought his sandwich to the table. "She didn't tell you anything?"
I shook my head. "She was carrying a paper bag," I said, remembering that.
"A paper bag?" He bit into his sandwich and thought. "Maybe she had to return something she bought."
"She said it would take most of the day," I reminded him. "She said she should have done it long ago."
"Yeah, you said that." He continued to eat. "Where is your brother? Did you call him and tell him to come in for lunch?"
I nodded. "I don't think he heard me," I said.
He shook his head and bit into his sandwich. "How that kid can amuse himself all day with that science stuff is beyond me." He gazed at Ian's uneaten sandwich.
"Looks like you and I have been deserted," he said, fumbling with a smile. He stretched his lips awkwardly. Every movement he made in his face seemed to bring him some pain. Why would anyone want to get so drunk he suffered like this? I wondered.
Suddenly, we heard the front door open. We both turned to see if it was Mama or Ian.
It was Ian.
His right eye was swollen and closed and his lip was split and bleeding. Both Daddy and I sat there with our own mouths wide open.
"What happened to you?" Daddy finally asked him. "I at into a fight," he said.
"I figured that. With who or what?" Daddy asked, smiling with ease this time.
Why was he so happy that Ian got into a fight?
"Some boy over at the park campground," Ian said, and looked at me.
Addison. I thought.
"Over what?" Daddy asked, still a half smile on his face.
"A butterfly," Ian replied.
"What? A butterfly?" Daddy's smiled evaporated. "What kind of reason for a fight is that?"
Ian didn't answer.
"Go clean yourself up. Ian, before your mother gets home." He started toward the bathroom.
"Wait a minute," Daddy called to him. "How did you do? What's the other guy look like?"
"An idiot," Ian said.
"Did you get in a few good shots, too, at least?" "I kicked him in the shins."
"Kicked him in the shins?"
"He's a lot taller than I am."
"Go wash up," Daddy said, sounding obviously disappointed. He turned to me after Ian went into the bathroom. "My first real fight was with a bigger, taller boy, too, but I hit him in the breadbasket with a haymaker that bent him over and then I drove an uppercut into his jaw and broke his front tooth. My father never stopped bragging about me, even though he had to pay for the kid's dental work," he added proudly. "Of course, I was suspended from school and your grandmother wasn't pleased, but I made my place in the standings and didn't have to get into too many fights afterward. It's all just part of growing up. Normal, that is," he added, looking toward the bathroom. "Kicked him in the shins. That's something a girl would do."
He returned to his sandwich. Then the phone rang and he got up to answer it.
"Hi," he said, sounding happy. Maybe it's Mama. I thought. "When?" he followed, his happy face disappearing. "She did what? Came right into the store? No. I didn't tell her your schedule. Why would I do that?"
He listened and then looked at me.
"She said she found it here? But...did you leave it here? Did you admit it was yours?"
He listened and squeezed his temples with his thumb and forefinger. Then he shook his head. "Initials don't prove things, Kimberly. That was really stupid. Right. Sure. It's my fault. Nothing could be your fault. Just don't say anything more to anyone, will you? I'll handle it. I said, I'll handle it. I'll call you. Really stupid," he added, and hung up. He just stood there staring down at the floor.
"Is Mama coming back now?" I asked. He continued to just stare. "Daddy?"
"What?"
"Is Mama coming back now?"
"Oh, she's coming back, all right," he said. "I'd better get dressed and put on my bulletproof vest," he added, and headed quickly for the stairway.
I started to clean up after Daddy and myself, but left Ian's sandwich and lemonade on the table. He came out of the bathroom and hurried to the refrigerator to get some ice cubes. I watched him wrap them in a cloth and then press them to his lip first. Then he turned and glared at me.
"I found her and she denied everything, but I told her she was lying. She put her brother on me like a guard dog. He punched me before I knew what he was going to do. Their mother came out and
I
shouted at them all. Of course, Flora continued to deny it all. She claimed you made it up."
"I didn't make it up, Ian."
"I know that. You wouldn't have known what to say, but I told you not to go there!" he screamed.
I started to cry. He sat at the table and shifted his ice pack to his right eye.
"I'd call the police but you would be in a mess," he said. "What did you tell Father?"
"Nothing," I said through my sobs. "He didn't ask why you had a fight about a butterfly."
"Good. Where is he?"
"Someone called him and he ran upstairs to get dressed. I think Mama's on her way back."
"Let me think of a story," he said. "Maybe I will stick to the butterfly story. I know she would be very, very upset if she knew what you let that girl do to you."
"I didn't let her, Ian."
"You should have run right out and not waited."
I started to cry again.
"Okay, okay," he said. "Stop crying. Just don't tell her anything about it. I'll handle it," he said. "Did you clean up that scratch and put a new bandage on it like I told you to do?"
"Yes."
"And you put your clothes in the washer?"
"Yes," I said, sucking in my tears.
"All right I'll get right on that."
He tried to eat but moaned with pain when he chewed. Finally, he pushed the sandwich away, got up, and went to the washing machine. I finished cleaning up the kitchen for Mama and then went to my room. I had other books to read and games I had brought along, but nothing kept me interested. I kept going to my window and looking out for our car and Mama's return. I heard Daddy come down the stairs and go into the living room to turn on the television set and watch a ball game.
Mama would be upset when she saw Ian, but maybe he would make it good again with his explanation. She always believed whatever he said. Tomorrow we would go horseback riding and everything would return to the way it was. I wouldn't set foot in the woods again unless Ian asked me to go somewhere with him.
I lowered myself onto my bed and closed my eyes. I felt terrible about disappointing Ian. He was only trying to protect me and even got into a fight because of me. All of this was happening because of my precocious puberty. I couldn't wait for the medicine to work. I wanted to return to the girl I was and not have to think about tadpoles and eggs and new feelings. I was never very worried about boys. If anything, they were just annoying. Now I would be afraid to be in the same room alone with any boy.
My sadness made my fatigue deepen. I couldn't open my eyes. My legs were aching, too. Before I knew it. I fell asleep and I didn't wake up until I heard the sound of something smash against the living room wall.