Early Spring 01 Broken Flower (20 page)

How did she know that Mama had been coming home for that reason? Did Grandmother Emma tell her that and tell her Mama was angry at Ian? Was Daddy?
"It's unfortunate that she and your father were in the accident, but your grandmother is a very wise person. You know she is, right?"
"Yes," I said. I was still very hurt and didn't want to be with her or talk to her and I hated agreeing with her now.
"Well, as I said, I'm here now to carry out what your parents were surely going to do. They would make sure you were protected, that you weren't abused by anyone, and that your problem was handled in a professional and successful manner.
It is not the subject for discussion among children. Curiosity can be a good thing if it is done properly, but you remember that curiosity killed the cat," she said, with that smile mask back on her face.
I knew that expression.
"Satisfaction brought him back," I muttered. Ian always said that whenever anyone talked about the cat. He believed curiosity was healthy and important and that the only people who feared it were people who had something to hide or something about which they would be embarrassed.
She glared at me now, even her weak smile disappearing. "Sit," she said, nodding at the settee again. I moved obediently to it.
"Now then, there are words you may use and words you may not as regards your problem. If you should have the womanly problem that occurs monthly, for example. I want you to refer to it as your monthlies. Understand? You tell me you think you're having your monthlies. Do not use any other word for it. Even so, never say it aloud, even to me. Whisper it. What we'll do is make sure you have a sanitary napkin."
"It's not a napkin," I said. "It's a cigar."
Her eyes widened. "I will give you the benefit of the doubt because of your age. Jordan, but that. I want you to know, is also disgusting. Think before you say such things to me or anyone else. If you must," she said, "ask it as a question. Ask if it's all right to say this or that. But only ask me and only whisper it to me, even when there is no one in the room with us."
I scrunched my eyebrows together. Even when there was no one in the room with us? Why would I have to whisper to her then?
"Someone could be listening in. Snooping,'" she muttered, and glanced at the door as if she believed Ian was just outside it with his ear to it. "Besides, a real lady never says things like that aloud. She hates to even have such words cross her lips. She hates even thinking about it.
"Now, where was I?" she asked. She look very flustered. "Oh, yes. You are unfortunately now at a point where being underdressed or in any way undressed is not permitted in the company of others, not even other girls. It's unhealthy. You are not to parade around your room without your body being covered properly, even when you are alone. I will want to see your bathing suits to be sure they are adequate in that regard."
"Mama just bought new ones for me," I said quickly.
"Well. I'm sure she picked out the right sort of bathing suit, but it will still be good for me to see it. I'm only trying to do what is necessary to protect you," she added. "Your mother would want that. She would do the same things I'm doing if she could."
"Mama never put soap in my mouth."
"Mothers are important people, but they are often too busy to study how to educate their own children. That's why they depend on people like me, professionals."
"Do you have any children?" I asked.
"I'm not a married woman, Jordan. How can I have children?"
"Then how do you know about mothers?"
She was silent again, and again took a deep breath before answering me.
"I can sec why you and your brother are difficult for your grandmother. We are going to spend a lot of time together so you can learn what is proper to ask and what is not. You just don't say everything that comes into your little head. I low about mothers because most of my professional life. I have had to deal with mothers, talk to them about their children, and help guide them in bringing up their children. I am an expert when it comes to that. Are you satisfied?"
"I want my mama back," I said as an answer.
"Yes, well, we all want things we can't have when we want them and things we can never have."
"What do you want that you can't have?" I asked quickly.
It snapped her head up so fast I thought I was going to be marched back into the bathroom for another bout with soap.
"You are not to ask me another question about myself. Is that clear?" she said firmly. "It's
inappropriate for you to question your elders. It's quite disrespectful, in fact. I won't tolerate it."
I knew the answer. I thought it or did I say it? I thought it so fast and so confidently. I might have said it. Her eyes widened. "What did you say?"
I bit down on my lower lip and shook my head. "Nothing."
She stared at me, but I knew the answer to my question, the question I wasn't permitted to ask.
Children.
She wanted children and she would never have them.

If there was any doubt that Miss Harper would have a major role to play in my life now, it was put to rest when we went to see Dr. Dell'Acqua again. Grandmother Emma introduced her to the doctor as my minder and guardian and she was permitted to sit in on all the discussion about me. Dr. Dell'Acqua was very upset about what had happened to Mama and Daddy and was eager to do whatever she could for me. With Miss Harper present, she reviewed her initial findings. I watched Miss Harper's fact as she talked, especially when she repeated that my vagina was estrogenized. She looked like she was going to be sick.

Grandmother Emma wanted to be sure I was getting the best possible medication and treatment and Dr. Dell'Acqua reassured her about that, citing some recent medical studies. I thought Ian would have liked to hear about that. I thought he might even know about it already.

Then Grandmother asked her if she thought Mama had waited too long to bring me to see her.
She shook her head and said, "I don't think so, Emma. Her condition is not irreversible. We'll help her. However," she continued, "there is another consideration here. Emma, the psychological. I'm sure," she said, looking at me and smiling, "that Jordan has many, many questions about herself and what is going on in her body. It's important you don't feel you're in any way freaky, Jordan. It's just a medical condition we'll correct. You should not be afraid to ask anything," she added, and my eves shifted toward Miss Harper. Her gaze drifted toward the ceiling. She looked like she wasn't enjoying being in here with me and Grandmother Emma.
Dr. Dell'Acqua turned back to Grandmother Emma. "I did tell Carol that she might need some professional therapy with this."
"That's why I have brought in Miss Harper," Grandmother said. "She has years and years of experience with children her age,'
"Hmmm" DT. Dell'Acqua muttered. I could see it wasn't exactly what she meant, but she didn't want to contradict my grandmother. "Okay, but if you need any additional assistance, please call and I'll point you in the right direction."
"I feel we're in the right direction now, Rene. Thank you."
She nodded, but when she glanced at me. I could see she wasn't as happy about it as she could be.
"From now on," Grandmother Emma told me in the limousine on our way home, "Miss Harper will be in charge of your medicine. She will determine what you should wear every morning and what you should do with your day."
"I'll make up a schedule for us," Miss Harper said, "just the way
I
would if you were in my schoolroom. We'll spend time on lessons, but you will have time to yourself, to play, to swim, and do things you like. It will be the most productive summer of your life," she assured me.
"Are you going to make up a schedule for Ian, too?" I asked.
It
would be like homeschooling and Ian was always saying he could do better if he had homeschooling, but I think he meant without a teacher, just teaching himself.
"We'll see," she said.
"Ian has a way of amusing himself all day anyway," Grandmother Emma said. "So, tell me, now that we finally have a quiet moment, how or why did he get into a fight at the lake? It's not in his nature to be physical."
"I don't know." I said quickly, too quickly, because she pursed her lips and narrowed her eves with disappointment.
"Perhaps you'll talk about it with Miss Harper,' she told me.
"Of course she will," Miss Harper said. "When she and I have gotten to know each other better, she won't keep any secrets from me. We already agreed she would be honest and truthful all the time, didn't we, Jordan?"
I started to nod and then quickly said, "Yes."
Grandmother Emma smiled at her. "I am grateful you could come to my assistance, Millicent. You can see how much work has to be done on these children, and with my son and daughter-in-law in the condition they are now in. I needed professional assistance. It's fortunate for all of us that you were available and agreed to come here."
"After all you've done for me and my mother. I'm grateful to repay you in any way I can."
"Thank you. Your mother and I were once inseparable. I do miss her."
"I'll see about having her visit," Miss Harper said.
"Yes, that would be nice. Well. I'll have Felix drop me at the supermarket first since it's on the way and then he'll take you back to the house. After I'm finished there. I'll make a trip to the hospital and see about Christopher."
"Can I go too?" I asked quickly.
"No, you can't. You will have too much to do at home and your father is not ready for visitors. I'll tell you when it's the right time for you and Ian to visit him."
"I don't have anything to do," I said. If it's not time for visitors, why are you visiting?"
"I hardly think it's necessary to explain why to you, Jordan. I have much more to do there than just chat with your father, who I do not believe is even up to that, and you do have much to do. You just heard Miss Harper. You're going to set up a schedule with her. Please don't waste my energy on such questions,'" she added.
As soon as Grandmother Emma stepped out of the limousine at the supermarket, Miss Harper turned on me.
"I thought you and I had discussed why you shouldn't do that with your elders, Jordan. You never, ever cross-examine your elders like that. Not only is it impolite, but it's a sin of very poor upbringing and reflects badly on your parents. I'm not surprised, however. Most children your age have not been properly schooled in their manners and decorum. Parents today are too involved in themselves. They are not willing to make the sacrifices in time and energy. Hereafter, before you question anyone, you'd better look to me to set if you should. I'll nod or shake my head and that will help you to know."
"What if you're not there?" I asked.
Once again, she gave me that cold, ice blue start first. 'I'll always be there now," she replied.
Always? Will she follow me around
everywhere? What about after Mama returns? I wondered, but decided not to ask. Instead. I curled up in the corner of the seat and became an Ian caterpillar until we arrived at the house. Ian was outside with his big magnifying glass looking at something in the grass. I practically leaped out of the limousine and started to run to him.
"JORDAN!" Miss Harper shouted. It had the effect of a lasso thrown around my neck.
I stopped short and turned.
"You're to go directly to your room. We're going to begin there," she said.
"I want to talk to Ian," I said.
"Go directly to your room, please." She took a step toward me.
Ian stood up and looked at us. He knew where we had gone, of course. "Jordan," he said. "Did the doctor say anything new?"
"JORDAN!" Miss Harper cried. "You have been told not to discuss your problem with anyone, especially your brother. Now go directly to your room. I will not tell you again. If I do, I'll count it as a serious demerit."
"Demerit?" Ian asked, smiling. He walked toward us. "What's that mean? Are you going to take away her dolls or something if she gets too many demerits or are you going to assign her to detention?"
"That's enough from you, young man. You can be sure I'm keeping track of your misbehavior, too. Jordan, do as I say."
She reached out toward me. I looked at Ian. He shook his head and returned to whatever he was studying. I wanted to stay with him, but I was really afraid of what she might tell Grandmother Emma and what Grandmother Emma might do to both of us, so I took her hand. She clasped mine with surprising firmness, practically crushing my fingers.
"I am not accustomed to having to raise my voice like that," she muttered as she tugged me toward the front door. I looked back at Ian. He was staring at us and even from this distance. I could see his eyes were narrow and fall of darts.
As soon as we entered. she ordered me to my room. "Go on. I have something to tell the maid and then I'll be there," she said.
All I could think of was Mama. I prayed for her to wake up and come home. Head down, I walked up the stairway and into my bedroom. I was surprised to see my bed was not made and the clothes I had worn the day before were not hung up or taken to be washed. The towel I had used in the bathroom was where I had left it crumpled up, too.
"Good," I heard, and turned to see Miss Harper march into my room. "I was afraid she might have forgotten her new orders. We'll begin with
straightening and cleaning your room. From now on, this will be your first chore of the day,"
"But Nancy always does that," I said.
"Nancy will not be doing it either for you or for Ian anymore. It is only when we take care of our own things that we learn the value of them," she said.
"But what will Nancy do?"
"That is not your concern, Jordan. Honestly, I have never met a child your age who is so
cantankerous."
"What's that mean?"
She raised her eves to the ceiling and then slammed her hand, palm open, against the wall. The action was so unexpected and so hard. I winced with sympathetic pain. It had to hurt, but she didn't act like it did.
"Question after question after question. Vocabulary lessons will take place later," she said, suddenly very calmly and sweetly. "Now, have you ever made your own bed?"
"I did it with Mama at the cabin," I said.
"How fortunate, Let me see you do it now," she said, and folded her arms under her small bosom as she stepped back to watch.
I began slowly. The bed in the cabin wasn't as big as this one, Daddy's old bed, but
I
began as I remembered Mama had taught me. Miss Harper watched and didn't step forward to help when I struggled with the blanket. When I was finished, she stepped up to the bed and tore it apart again.
"Too messy," she said. "You don't leave the top sheet that wrinkled and you don't leave your pillows looking as if you were just lying on them. Do it again."
"It's the way Nancy makes it," I said. "I doubt that. Do it again. Do it!"
I did it again, and again, she was dissatisfied. This time I hadn't tucked in the sheets neatly enough.
"Why does it have to be so perfect?" I asked, which was another mistake.
"Sit," she told me, pointing to my desk chair. I did. She stood in front of my desk as if we were really back in her classroom. "Why is it important to do things as perfectly as we can? Who knows the answer?" she asked.
I know my mouth fell open a little. Who knows the answer? Who else was in the room? Ian wasn't here.
"Well?" She glared down at me. "Why?"
"So they'll look nice," I said.
"Before you speak in my classroom, raise your hand and be recognized," she said.
"This isn't a classroom. It's my father's old bedroom."
"Wherever
I
am, that is a classroom!" she said, with her hands on my desk and her face close to mine. "Go on. Raise your hand."
I felt very silly doing it, but I did.
"Jordan. Yes? Tell us why it's important to do things as perfectly as possible."
"So they'll look nice."
"Yes, but that's not the main reason. If we try to do everything we have to do perfectly, we'll always do well and it doesn't matter if anyone else sees it or not. We have to have standards for ourselves. It has to be important to us to do things well. Otherwise, we will become lazy and sloppy and we'll do poorly when we have to do things for others. What will happen to us then? Jordan?"
"We won't be liked?"
"Not just liked. We won't get jobs. We won't get appreciated. So what do we want to do always? Jordan?"
"Do everything perfectly."
"Very good. Now get up and do the bed again," she said.
I did it as best I could, making sure every little thing was as perfect as I could make it. She stood hovering over me.
"Well," she said when I was finished. "It's not absolutely perfect, but it's much better than it was the first time you did it, isn't it?"
I nodded.
"Isn't it?!' she repeated. I had forgotten. Don't nod, speak.
"Yes."
"I think it's time you said, 'Yes, Miss Harper, no, Miss Harper.' That, too, is polite."
"Yes, Miss Harper."
"Good. We will get along after all," she said. "Now to your clothes."
I picked up my dress from the chair and she watched me fit it on the hanger. I did that well enough because she didn't ask me to do it again. In the bathroom. I folded the wet towel and put it with my undergarments into the hamper.
"There," she said. "Your first chores of the day are finished. Now, every day we'll then go to your medicine and you take it after the chores are done."
"Mama wanted me to take it right away, as soon as I woke up, so I wouldn't forget,"
"Well, you won't have to worry about forgetting anymore, will you? I'll be right here to remind you."
I shook my head. "Mama said to take it right away, as soon as I wake up."
Her eyes widened for a second and then she smiled. "You are a precious little piece of work," she said. "You remind me of a wild horse that has to be trained or a puppy that has to be housebroken."
She went to the cabinet where my medicine was kept and took it out. "What I'll do for you is keep it and bring it in when
I
come in to inspect your room in the morning,'" she said.
I shook my head, but she pretended not to see it.
"What we will do now is work on your school material. I'll be right back. I have books and workbooks for you," she said, smiled, and left my room with my medicine in her hands.
I heard Ian coming up the stairs and hurried to my doorway to call to him. He paused and looked my way. I had forgotten Grandmother Emma had forbidden him from entering this side of the upstairs. I hurried down the hallway toward him.
"What's going on?" he asked.
"She made me make my bed, hang up my clothes, and clean my bathroom. I have to do it every morning before I can have my medicine.' I told him. "She's going to tell you to do it, too."
He thought a moment and nodded. "Good," he said. "I prefer that to having Nancy, as you know."
"I don't. I want Nancy to do it."
"Don't act spoiled. That's just what she'll tell Grandmother Emma. Where is she?" he asked, looking past me.
"She went to get my schoolwork. She's going to make me do fourth-grade schoolwork so I'll be ahead."
"Well, that's good, too," he said, which infuriated me.
"I don't want to do schoolwork, Ian. It's summer. I want to go out to the pool."
"Look," he said, "we didn't ask for all this to happen. Grandmother Emma hired her, so let her work. Take advantage of the situation and improve."
"She'll make you work, too," I warned.
He smiled. "I hardly think she has anything valuable to teach me," he said, and started for his room just as Miss Harper came out of Daddy and Mama's bedroom carrying books and workbooks in her arms.
"What did you say to her?" she asked him immediately.
He paused, looked at Miss Harper, and then continued to his room.
"I'll be in to speak with you shortly, young man," she called after him.
He closed his door and turned the lock. She stood there a moment looking toward his room and then she continued toward me.
"What did he say to you? Did he ask you again about the doctor?"
"No," I said. "He said he didn't care about taking care of his own room. He likes that."
"He does. does he? We'll see what he likes and doesn't like. Back to your room," she ordered.
I turned and walked, but not fast enough for her. I could feel her practically breathing on my head, her feet right behind mine. As soon as we entered the bedroom, she told me to sit at my desk and then she put the books on it, explaining each one, the math book, the English book, the science book, and the social studies book. She had a fifth book I had never seen called