Early Spring 01 Broken Flower (7 page)

"No one, Emma. I don't go gossiping about my child's problems."
"That's unusual these days," Grandmother Emma said. "Most people can't wait to air their dirty laundry and others are glued to television sets watching them do it."
"I don't consider what's happening to Jordan to be dirty laundry. God. Christopher," she said, suddenly turning on Daddy, "can you speak up for once?"
"What do you want me to do? I told you we shouldn't keep it from Mother."
"What?" Mama literally cringed and pulled away from him as though he could infect her with a disease.
I stepped back from the door. I. too, knew that wasn't true and I didn't want Daddy to see I had overheard.
"Let's end this ridiculous bickering before it even begins," Grandmother Emma said. "None of that is important. What's important is the girl's condition. Rene will let me know if we need a specialist on the case. Thank goodness you're taking her to the cabin, where no one we know will be able to see her."
"I'm not afraid of anyone seeing her! She's not a freak," my mother practically shouted.
"It's no one's business what she is or what she isn't," Grandmother Emma said, this time not fleeing from Mama. She looked at Daddy and then at the floor as she shook her head. "I feel like such a fool, talking about how she's grown and buying that present without knowing the reason for all this. Such a fool. I won't have it," she said, slapping the arm of the chair. "Don't let me learn something about my own family from someone else again. I'm to be consulted about every decision and every action, do you understand?"
Mama stared at her and then she turned again to Daddy. "Christopher? Well?" Daddy didn't speak. "Did I marry you or you and your mother?"
Grandmother Emma grunted, but said nothing.
"There's nothing wrong with Mother being involved. She knows more doctors and even has connections at the university. Look. Mother," he said, "I'm sorry you were surprised by all this, but it all happened so quickly and--"
"That's all I want to hear or say about this," Grandmother Emma said abruptly. "The important thing is what has to be done will be done."
She rose and walked out of the living room, pausing when she saw me standing there. "Francis," she muttered to herself, but loudly enough for me to hear, and then she continued down the hallway.
Why did she call me Francis or think of her again when she looked at me? My heart was pounding, filling my chest with every thump.
And my curiosity about my great-aunt was too great to restrain. I'd open one of those locked closet doors yet. I thought. In fact, it was almost as if Grandmother Emma was urging me to do so. 7
The Best Birthday Party I Ever Had
.
"How could you say that? How could you make me look like the bad one in front of her!" Mama shouted at Daddy.
Ian heard them and came midway down the stairs. They were standing in the hallway.
"Will you lower your voice, Caroline?"
"No, I will not lower my voice. I won't cower like some child in this house. How could you do that? Are you that afraid of your own mother?"
"I'm simply trying to make things easier," Daddy said, reducing his voice to a loud whisper. "It doesn't do us any good for her to feel we're conspiring to deliberately hide things from her, does it? It's better this way."
"You mean it's better that I'm the sole one at fault?"
"It's easier for me to make peace with her. Just calm down. It will pass," Daddy said.
"You're damn right it will pass," Mama told him. She marched to the stairway, remembered my things, and went back to the bench to get them. "C'mon upstairs, Jordan. We'll put your things away for now," she said, seizing my hand and practically dragging me to the stairway. "It is supposed to be a happy day, your birthday," she added, practically right into Daddy's face.
I looked at Daddy and then at Ian, who seemed disappointed it was only a spat between Mama and Daddy. He turned and went back upstairs to his room. I didn't know what it would take for him to become upset or troubled by something happening in our family. To me he always looked like he had expected it, anticipated it, or at times, even welcomed it, because it was something else to write in his journal, whereas I couldn't hide my fear and sadness.
"Don't worry, Jordan," Mama told me in my bedroom. "I won't let this ruin your birthday dinner."
I really wasn't worried about that. I was confused and troubled about Daddy's lying. It was the first time I caught him doing so. I never thought he was as perfect as Mama. I 'mew he had failed in his schoolwork and I knew he wasn't a very good businessman. Grandmother Emma never let us forget any of that, but I still thought of him as being a good person who loved us. He just couldn't love us as much as our mother loved us because he was too busy trying to succeed.
Whenever my mother complained about my father working too much or being away from us too long, he would throw up his hands and cry, "I'm just trying to get some independence for this family, Caroline. You don't want to be dependent on my mother forever, do you?"
"I don't ever want to be dependent on your mother," Mama would reply, and he would shrug.
"So? Let me work at it."
"Work at it forever for all I care," she muttered, and turned away from him.
Daddy would look at me if I were in the same room or nearby, and say, "Women."
I had no idea what that meant.
"Why didn't Daddy tell the truth?" I asked Mama after she put away my new clothes.
She looked at me as if she only then realized I knew he had agreed to keep my problems secret from Grandmother Emma and it wasn't just her idea. Had she forgotten I was right there when they discussed it or did she simply think I didn't understand?
"It's not easy to tell Grandmother Emma the truth," my mother said. "At least, it hasn't been for your father. He thinks it's easier to tell her what she wants to hear. People do that to each other all the time, Jordan. Don't be surprised. You might as well get used to it. Welcome to the adult world."
"How do you know when anyone's telling the truth then?" I asked, and she laughed. I was happy I made her do that.
She walked over to hug me. Then she squatted a little to look into my face.
"You're growing up so quickly. I feel like I've aged myself overnight. I know it's going to be extra difficult for you. Jordan, but try, try hard to hold on to being young for as long as you can. Live in a world of make-believe where lies and deceptions don't matter. Don't send Santa Claus to a retirement home just yet."
I was the one laughing now. "I don't believe in Santa anymore, Mama."
"I know, but sometimes, it's not bad to hope he'll come back."
I squinted at her. Come back? Come back from where? He didn't exist.
"Whenever you do that, you look just like your brother. When we first told him about Santa Claus, he squinted and asked how it was possible for one man to deliver toys to all the world's children in one night. I don't think he was three. You think he's happier being so smart?" she asked me.
"Yes," I said.
"Maybe," she said, standing. "Put on the new dress your grandmother gave you for tonight and the sandals. It is a very pretty dress and fashionably up to date, which surprised me. Showing her you want to wear it on your special night rather than anything I bought you today will help Daddy smoke his peace pipe with her."
"Daddy doesn't smoke, does he?"
"No. Well, he smokes cigars occasionally when he wants to look like a big shot. People say, 'Let's smoke a peace pipe,' when they want to make up or calm things down."
She started out and turned back to say, "Men."
I was just as confused as when Daddy said, "Women." Did that mean she was no longer angry?
A little while later, she came in to help me fix my hair and then she went to dress. Despite the argument earlier, it did still feel like it was going to be a very special night. Ian put on his suit and tie, too, and then surprised me by giving me a birthday present that was just from him. I didn't know and neither did our parents that he had ridden his bike to the department store and bought it for me. Before we all went out to dinner, he came to my room to give it to me.
I started to unwrap it.
"I confirmed the reading level before I bought it for you. Jordan," he said, so I knew it was a book.
It was called
I Was a Girl and Now I'm a Woman
. I opened it slowly and saw there were pictures, too, and a page that had the tadpoles.
"It does a better job of explaining everything than I could do for you right now," he said. He glanced back from the doorway and then looked at the book. 'Maybe for now you shouldn't let Mother or Father know you have it and especially that I gave it to you."
Another secret, I thought, another brown moth to keep locked up in my own Pandora's box.
I carefully folded up the gift paper and then put the book into my toy chest, the one that had my dolls and teacup set as well as some board games and other toys I never used anymore. Na one ever bothered to look in it. If I left something out. Nancy might put it in there, so I had to be sure I was very neat about my things and didn't leave anything on the floor.
"Thank you, Ian," I said.
"You're welcome. You look very nice in your new dress," he added, which was the first time I could ever remember him giving me a compliment.
"Thank you."
"You're going to be a very pretty woman. Jordan," he predicted. It nearly took the breath out of me. "That really shouldn't come as any surprise to anyone. Father is very good-looking and Mother is beautiful. Even though I don't approve of how she uses it, Grandmother Emma is correct when it comes to the influences of genetics."
"What's that?"
"What you inherit, what's passed along. At one time people wanted to marry within their families to ensure they wouldn't lose their good genes. It was like breeding show dogs," he added with a smirk.
He paused and looked intently at me again, fixing those dark eyes on me like I was one of his specimens under his microscope.
"What's wrong?" I asked.
"Nothing's wrong. To the contrary, despite the many criticisms and complaints we all have about Grandmother Emma, we would have to admit she has good taste when it comes to clothes."
"Taste? How do you taste clothes?"
"That just means she knows what looks nice, what looks right. She knows quality, perspective. I've made a study of this house, its contents, and I can tell you that everything she has bought and placed in it complements something else," he said.
How could things complement each other? I didn't know what he meant, but acted as if I did. He knew so many words and even amazed Grandmother Emma when he did the Yew York Times crossword puzzle. Ian was smarter than my teachers. I thought.
We heard Mama and Daddy coming out of their room. Mama laughed at something Daddy had said.
"Looks like they made up," Ian said.
"Smoked the peace pipe.," I added, and he actually laughed and not because I had done something he thought silly, but because I had said something he thought was clever.
"C'mon," he said, holding out his hand for mine.
When we stepped into the hallway, our parents stopped and looked at us both with an expression of amazement.
"You look very nice, Ian," Mama told him. "Thank you."
"He's dressed as well as I am and ties a tie better than I do. That's for sure," Daddy said. "And look at the beautiful birthday girl. We've got to show you both to Grandmother Emma. Wait until she sees the dress actually on Jordan."
"She's already seen her in the dress,
Christopher," Mama said. "Remember? She ordered it put on right away."
"Still, it's going to be good to show her all of us together," he emphasized.
Actually. I did think we all looked wonderful, especially Mama, who had put on one of her nicest dresses and fixed her hair so it looked pretty again. She wore makeup and earrings, a matching bracelet and necklace, too. It had been a while since she had dressed like this. I was happy it was because of my birthday, because of me. Instead of thinking about myself as the cause of new trouble. I could think of myself as the reason for good things.
I thought I understood what Ian meant by genetics, too. Our parents were attractive people. Ian was good-looking and I was going to be pretty. Maybe we were a family to be put on magazine covers after all and maybe the people who envied weren't wrong to do so.
We marched down the hallway to the stairs and then descended as if we were about to enter a grand ballroom as people did during Grandmother Emma's Golden Age. Ian continued to hold on to my hand, which surprised me. I was happy to see Mama keeping her hand on Daddy's arm. They did look like they had made up and loved each other again.
Grandmother Emma was in the living room sitting and waiting and looking like she had expected we would first come for her inspection. I think Mama thought Daddy had warned her because I heard Mama mutter, "How convenient she just happens to be waiting here and expecting us."
"Well, Mother," Daddy said, ignoring Mama, "how does the March family look?"
She ran her eyes over all of us like a general inspecting her troops on parade, pausing to look and nod approvingly at Ian before fixing her gaze solely on me. Her expression changed. She made me feel like she could set my whole future and what she saw filled her with concern. After another moment, she turned to Mama and Daddy.
"You had better gird up your loins." she said. "She will soon become a heartbreaker and keep you both on your toes."
Daddy smiled, but Mama glared back at her.
"There will be plenty of time before we have to concern ourselves with any of that," she said.
"Not the way children are brought up these days," Grandmother Emma insisted.
"You sure you won't join us, Mother?" Daddy asked her, obviously hoping to quickly change the topic.
"Thank you but no thank you. How anyone can enjoy smoke in his or her face before eating is a mystery to me."
"Let's go," Mama insisted, even tugging at Daddy's arm.
"Well then, we're off." he said, and we left the house and all got into his Mercedes sedan.
It had been so long since we had gone anywhere as a family. When we were together like this. I felt safe. I felt like Ian's caterpillar, protected, hopeful.
On the way to the restaurant. Daddy talked more about our impending trip to the cabin on the lake. We were going there in a few days. He said he would spend the first two or three days with us and then promised he would return on weekends whenever possible.
Mama said little. She listened and kept her face forward. The only thing she said about our
preparations for leaving was we had to be sure we had what we needed first from Dr. Dell'Acqua.