Elemental Fear (22 page)

“That is the sweetest thing I think I've ever heard
.” I choked out. “You don’t think I'm a pussy with a girl’s name?”

I shook my head vigorously. “It’s beautiful.” I smiled at him. “Is...sorry for the questions, but is
Willem adopted?”

Johan shook his head no; we were interrupted by his mobile doing a vibrating jig across his bedside cabinet. “I went and got it whilst you were asleep
,” he said in way of explaining the sudden appearance of his phone from the other room. “Been quite a popular boy today.” He smiled and checked his phone. “It’s Dominic again.”

“Again?” I asked with a frown.

“Mmm, this is the 52nd time he’s called today. Your phone has been vibrating off the hook, but I never enter a woman’s purse – it’s like the Holy Grail.”

I smiled and asked if he’d spoken to anyone, or explained what had happened. He shook his head and then a mischievous grin spread across his face.

“What have you done Johan?”

“I text him and said I had finally gotten you into my bed
.”

“What?”

He chuckled. “He’s on his way...” He lifted his hand to look at his watch “Actually he will be in Paris now. But I text and said you had come down with a nasty bug and I had to take you home. So obviously he was concerned and started texting, so I said I’d brought you to my house and you were in my bed.” He laughed again.

“You didn’t tell him...about this?”

He shook his head. “I think you do need to tell him though.”

“Maybe
.” but we both knew that wasn’t going to happen.

I must have finally fallen to sleep because when I opened my eyes I saw soft, concerned blue eyes looking back at me. Johan sat stroking my hair from the side of my face over my ear. “Hey beautiful
.” He whispered. “Want to tell me why you were sobbing in your sleep?”

I shook my head and closed my eyes, my lip trembled again.

“Okay, okay.” He soothed. “Do you want a drink? Or I could make you something to eat maybe?” Again I shook my head.

“What about if I just shut up and just hold you?”

A sob escaped and I nodded my head. Johan shifted on the bed coming closer, he stretched his arm out for me to curl up into. I placed my head in the crook of his shoulder. It felt nice, but nowhere near as comforting or safe as I felt in Dominic’s arms.

We laid there hours before I could muster any strength to talk.

“Thank you.” I whispered as dawn approached. We both stared out of the window watching as the clouds changed colour from a dirty grey to an array of orange, pinks and lemons.

“Anytime beautiful, anytime
.” his voice sounded husky from sleep.

I shifted away from him a little realising that we were laid on his bed, with me curled into his warm body. Johan’s a very handsome man, with his dark brown, almost black hair, natural tanned skin and bright blue eyes. His nose was perfectly symmetrical, a strong looking nose.  He had the most perfect pouty lips that were usually offering a dazzling smile. Although I had yet to see Johan with a girlfriend he must have had plenty. He never spoke of his personal life or partners; but the amount of flirting he did, there was bound to be plenty of broken hearts left in his wake. His voice startled me from my musings.

“Looks serious.” He smiled then turned on his side so his body faced me.

“What?”

“You were in deep thought there for a sec, and you had a scowl –“he mimicked a face I am sure I’d never pulled in my life.

“I do not look like that
.”

He smiled “so what made you
.” He did the face again

“Will you stop it?” I snapped and pushed at his shoulder. He laughed and held the hand that I’d pushed him with to his chest. I took a deep breath letting it out through my nose “do you think this is wrong
?” I wiggled my hand, still in his.

His brow furrowed in confusion.

“Well, we’re friends, but do friends cuddle on a bed like this and hold hands.”

“I'm...comforting you, nothing more Eve.” I heard the hurt in his voice.

“Please don’t take offense, I just...it’s...I’ve never had a friend...no that’s a lie. Dominic and I used to lay like this when we were little and even when I was a teenager before...” I let my voice trail off not wanting to say his name. Johan nodded. “The thing is people always say men and women can’t just be friends, that...erm...”

“Sex gets in the way
.”

I cleared my throat, embarrassed “yes” I whispered “it always leads to...that. But...”

“...you don’t want me that way. You mean all this time I’ve been wooing you and you aren’t interested. I've used my best moves on you woman!” He finished and let out an irritated huff. I closed my eyes and shook my head. He laughed then making the bed shake, I snapped my eyes open at him, then averted my gaze past his shoulder.

“Eve look at me
.” He spoke so softly. His thumb traced a soothing pattern on the back of my hand “I care about you; I care very deeply for you. I could possibly say that I love you.” I closed my eyes tightly; I really didn’t like the direction this conversation was heading. I couldn’t lose Johan as the only friend I had left. “But Eve...Eve look at me, please.” I opened my eyes at the pleading in his voice. “I do love you, but...I’m not in love with you. I like your company, I like making you smile and laugh. I even like to flirt with you, but that I promise is all it is. I don’t...I mean I do find you attractive but I don’t want you that way. You are my best friend and I adore you in that capacity. I just like yanking his chain by flirting with you; I mean nothing by it I swear.”

I blew out a breath “you promise
.”

He chuckled “listen, would you be asking these questions if I had a hole instead of a pole?” “What?”

He nodded in the vicinity of his groin.

“Oh...Johan
.” I screeched at him “you...oh my God, you are foul.” I shook my head and buried my reddened face in my hands. He was still laughing at me. “That has imprinted unwanted images in my mind now.”

“You’re imagining my pole
.”

“NO!” I shouted.

“You are aren’t ya?” I covered his mouth with my hand

“For the love of all that is all chuffing holy will you stop?” I chuckled.

His body shook with silent laughter; I snorted a laugh at him before rolling onto my back and laughing with him. I stilled though when my ribs protested at the movement.

“I know it seems we shouldn’t be this close, or that yes inevitably sex does become an issue with
a fair few male to female friendships, but I'm more than happy to be your friend and nothing more. You are gorgeous and I totally see why Dominic wants to re-invent the karma sutra with you...”

I grumbled causing him to smile.

“...but and this is a very big but,” he said “I like the way we are. We have been through some serious shit in our lives and you are kind of like my kindred sister, I adore you. But it will never be more than that for me. Sex with us will never be an issue, it never is...with anyone.” He relaxed onto his back staring at the ceiling, he left out a frustrated sign and I knew there was more to that statement.

“Do you want to talk about it? Is there someone...”

He interrupted before I got to finish. “One day I will explain it to you, but after everything can we just keep that one locked away.” His voice choked and I knew what ever was going through his mind was painful for him. I reached out tentatively squeezing his hand to reassure him there was never going to be any pressure from me.

He turned his head towards me and the absolute crushing hurt in his eyes tore my heart in two, then he quickly masked it with his usually mischievous grin and I knew a typical Johan verbal violation was coming.

“So bestie, does that mean we get to take showers together and practice French kissing. Talk about our favourite sexual posi...” He didn’t get to finish before I slapped my hand over his mouth. Even with the constant sexual innuendos oddly I never felt uncomfortable. Something deeply saddening was rooted within Johan; I was beginning to see the same pain in his eyes as I held in mine. Johan for whatever reason also had a fear of intimacy. Whether his friendship with me was a kinship or a connection due to his past I wasn’t entirely sure, but I was thankful I had found him, and that he was my friend. I just hoped one day I would be able to help him the way he’s helped me.

The bright sunlight streaming through the window finally woke me. My body definitely registered the lack of pain relief, but I could at least sit up without it taking my breath away. My muscles ached as if I’d run a workout without the usual pre-warm up. I wriggled my body into a sitting position so I could at least attempt the little walk to the bathroom to relieve myself. Staying in bed for the past day had made my muscles tighten and ache. Usually after Elliot had done this I would force myself to keep going to stop the cramps. It always hurt to move, but generally I was at least easily mobile within the next couple of days. I could immediately tell that it was going to take a little while longer this time, a weekend worth of abuse wasn’t going to be easily forgettable. I let my legs touch the floor and gripped the bedside cabinet to steady myself as I stood, with the lack of food and emotional exhaustion I had to take a few moments to let the dizziness subside.

“Hey Beautiful, what ya doing?” I turned to look at the cheeky smile of my best friend. He stood in the doorway with a bowl of what I assumed was cereal and his black silk suit and pale blue shirt, undone at the top with no tie.

“I need the loo
.” I half smiled, trying not to pass out.

“Right, well I’ll give you a hand to get there, but I draw the line at wiping anything
.” He smiled his usual smile that let me know he was in full teasing mode.

“Johan
!” I screeched “You cannot say stuff like that to me.” He shrugged nonchalantly and smiled I laughed.

“You’re the best friend anyone could wish for, you know that?” I whispered. Then felt like a complete idiot for saying it aloud.

He remained frozen in the door for a split second before a huge smile crossed his face “that’s the best thing anyone has ever said to me.”

I smiled back and held out my hand for him to help.

Once I had returned from the bathroom I sat on the edge of the bed. I was still incredibly sore but if I moved slowly enough I was able to get around.

“So can I ask..
.” He pointed his spoon at me “the hair, kinda looking a bit like –“

“He cut it because he caught Dominic touching it...well I say touching it. My fringe was getting in my eyes so he swept it behind my ear. Elliott didn’t like it
.”

“So he took the fucking scissors to it
?” He choked out with a mouth full of cereal. I nodded.

“Had it been Halloween you could maybe have rocked the scary look but I think as things stand we maybe need to get you in a hairdressers as soon as poss’ don’t you think?”

Again I nodded. “Do you think you could take me home so I can get ready for work? I don’t fancy wearing this.” I swept my hands down my crumpled outfit.

“I...sorry...I...it didn’t feel right for me to change you
.” Johan’s cheeks reddened and I smiled at his bashfulness.

“It’s fine, I can’t thank you enough for what you did anyway. Besides I need to go home and check
Lou is okay...that he...left, and...”

“He wouldn’t hurt her would he? Fuck I didn’t think of that
.” He turned quickly and raced into the kitchen. I stood to follow and heard the clatter of his bowl in the sink and the slam of the door. When I got into the open plan area it was eerily quiet. I called out to Johan but he had left. I took in my surroundings having not noticed anything yesterday.

The first thing I did notice was how sterile everything seemed to be, as if it was a show house
almost like no one lived here. There were no personal effects, no pictures, nothing to say Johan lived here. The walls were a bland non specific cream; the sofa was a black leather corner unit that faced a large LCD TV. There was a glass coffee table with a bowl of fruit and nothing else. The kitchen had glossed black units and again nothing stood out, he had no utensils, or mess. Everything was perfectly neat and tidy. It was a little unsettling because I just felt it didn’t fit Johan as a person; it was almost like he lived in a house that he didn’t belong to. And maybe that was the problem Johan didn’t feel like he belonged.

I sat on the sofa and waited for him to return, I didn’t want to seem like I had been snooping around his – home.

I’m feeling better today.

Have a good time in Paris x

I received no reply. My hands felt redundant so I sent a text to Lou to check she was okay.

When Johan returned he said he got to my house just in time to see Lou leaving for work. I couldn’t help laughing, when he gave a detailed description of their ‘vibrant’ conversation; one I admit included a dictionary full of insults to Johan’s manhood. He said he would take me home on his way into work and he even offered to slyly put it in the diary that I was taking the day off so no one questioned where I was.

“What ya doing?” Louise snapped over my shoulder making me shriek out a startled sound.

“God Lou, you made me jump.”

“Did I? Oops.” She laughed with mock innocence.

“Whoa when did you have your hair cut? And what happened to your face? The hairdressers slip with the scissors or what?”

“No.” I tried to laugh but my nerves made it sound like a strangled moan “I had it done this morning, I felt like a change –“

“You’re not kidding, blimey, it’s...I like it, but bloody hell it’s short. You’ve never had it this short
before.”

That was true, I had always had long hair, and I liked my hair long. Now I had had to have it cut really short and tapered into my neck. The hairdresser had said it was called a trendy ‘pixie’ cut. She said that it suited my shape of face but I still preferred my long curls. My scalp still stung from Elliott pulling at it. When I ran my fingers through it I could feel little raised scratches where he had cut me with the blade.

“So what happened to your face?” She stroked her hand down my cheek where the scratches from the glass were. Most of them were red marks rather than cuts.

“Friday after you left I fell cleaning up the kitchen and landed on a broken glass
.” I hoped I managed to keep my voice nonchalant.

“Good God you could have had your eye out. I’m sorry I left you to clean –
.” She lifted her hand again and moved to touch at the red scrapes across my cheek.

“I'm fine, don’t be sorry
.” I turned to look back at the laptop screen.

“So what are you looking at? You were so engrossed when I came in
?” She asked sitting on the sofa beside me.

“I'm looking up Thanksgiving recipes
.”

“Huh? Why?”

“For Johan, he isn’t going home to his family so I thought we –“

“No
!” She interrupted shaking her head.

“What?” I asked shrugging my shoulders to question her objection. “We are not cooking him a Thanksgiving dinner
.”

“Why not?” I asked looking at her.

“Because...” She squinted at the screen “for one I am not eating custard creams with frigging gravy.” She shuddered.

“What? I never said –“

“There...” She pointed to the screen “it says biscuits and gravy. Who does that?” Her indignation made me laugh loudly.

“I thought the same at first but look...” I laughed then I opened the link to a picture. “‘Biscuits’ in

the U.S are different.”

“She leaned over squinting; she made me smile when she didn’t wear her glasses to read “So scones and gravy? That’s even worse
.”

“They are not scones...oh...
okay I admit they do look like scones...anyway they are supposed to be quite delicious.”

“So is a bacon butty...let’s have that
.” She pouted.

“You are hopeless
.”

“Hopeless but at least I know a biscuit goes in my cuppa not with gravy
.” She snorted.

“Shut up. I was just looking those up; I have other stuff that sounds delicious
.”

“They may sound delicious but who’s cooking?”

“Us.” I smiled proudly.

“So not delicious then if we are making them
.” She scoffed and I laughed at her lack of optimism. “Why? We –“

“Sister dearest have you forgotten one tiny detail...we cannot cook. The kitchen Goddess gene
was missed when it came to us...we were not culinary blessed.”

I laughed “Shut up. Everyone can cook...there’s just differing levels of ability
.” I smiled.

“Yeah and in this house it’s on a scale of food poisoning or death
.” She laughed.

“We are not that bad
.” I said through laughter.

“Not that good either
.” She said dryly.

“We have recipes how hard can it be?” I asked looking at her then back to the screen.

“You are kidding? I decorated the kitchen doesn’t mean I'm looking to replicate the Sistine chapel now does it?” She retorted sarcastically.

“Stop being a smart arse. And I made the food bonfire night, which was delish
.”

“Yeah I agree. You can make a mean chilli and curry but a full gourmet meal? Nah I'm not feeling that
.” She said with a defiant shake of her head. I looked at her with my best pout and sad eyes begging her to play along. “Oh shit...go on then what you got?” She asked.

I smiled giddily and clapped my hands.

“Okay so there are some seriously delicious sounding deserts. Pumpkin or pecan pie?”

“I am not eating pumpkin, those have one purpose and that is to be carved! Have you smelt the crap that comes out of them
.” She gave a mock shiver “and I can’t eat nuts whilst I’m pregnant.”

“Urgh...apple pie then?”

“Crumble and you have a deal.”

I grumbled but wrote it down as part of our menu.

“We need a turkey, and ooh those potatoes look nice.” I said and my stomach groaned loudly.

“It’s mash, what’s ‘ooh’ about mash?”

“You are so grizzly when pregnant you know that?” I said nudging her with my elbow. “What about meatloaf?”

“You mean we need music as well
?” She said with a mock frown then laughed.

“You’re a cow, and you are not helping at all
.” I said but couldn’t help laughing with her.

“Yeah but you love me
.” She leaned into me and laid her head on my shoulder. We stayed like that for a while, I continued looking at recipes and she seemed to watch me not saying a word. I started reading a particularly delicious sounding desert when she spoke.

“Do you think he gets lonely here without any family?”

“Who Johan?” I asked.

“Yeah?”

“Erm...I don’t know. I’ve never really asked him.” I swallowed remembering what he had said about his birth mum and what had happened with his biological father. “He’s pretty closed mouthed about that stuff.” I felt wretched lying but it wasn’t my story to tell, I knew better than most the need to keep a secret. “Sometimes I think he’s lonely. But underneath his piss-ant act I really hope you will one day see what an amazing person he is. He’s...he’s got the kindest heart of anyone I know.”

“Wow...that kind of..
.” She whispered reverently then snorted “nope not buying it. He’s an idiot who irritates me beyond belief. He’s gorgeous I’ll give him that but then he opens his mouth and spoils it. I have never met anyone who...who...God how do you stand him. Half the time I want to...to...argh.”

I laughed at her stammering.

“I like how he is with Ellie, that kid loves him so much.” I said with genuine admiration. “He is brilliant with her; he will make a great dad one day.”

“Hmm...unlike some I can mention
.” She scoffed, sitting upright. I turned my head and looked at her, the sparkle in her eyes had diminished and now she just looked sad. “Darren?” I asked quietly.

“The bastard
.” She corrected. So we were back to that name. Things had clearly gone downhill for them again, the most heartbreaking thing was the past few times she had mentioned him she had sounded like her old self, confident and happy. Now she sounded bitter and dejected.

“What’s happened I thought you –“

“Can we not talk about him please? He wants me without the baby; I want him and the baby. Simple I use him for sex until the baby comes and then tell him to get lost.”

The tears swimming in her eyes were evidence that she didn’t believe it was that simple, and it

was hurting her a lot more than she would admit. I seriously hated Darren for doing that to her. “Sooo...can I ask you something. But please don’t bite my head off okay?” I could see her watching

for my reaction out of the corner of her eye.

“Go on.” I said hesitantly.

She cleared her throat nervously “Well I’ve been wondering...it’s just...Friday I noticed that –“

“Spit it out woman.” I laughed, hiding my nerves. Did she believe my lies about falling, had she noticed Elliott’s behaviour or the broken door in the kitchen?

“Are you in love with Dominic
?” She blurted out.

And just like that all the air in my lungs disappeared. I pressed a hand to my chest whilst the

other fist froze on the keyboard.

“If it’s any consolation I believe he feels the same. I always knew you two were close but it wasn’t until recently that I actually cottoned on that he cannot keep his eyes off of you. So do you feel the same
?” She uttered quietly.

“No...not really
.” I replied even quieter. Hating how my voice shook. “No you don’t love him?”

“No, as in it’s no consolation
.” I choked moving my hand from my chest to my now parched

throat.

“You...are in love with him?”

“Yes
.” I whispered feeling like I had just committed some gigantic sin admitting it aloud. I had a feeling I would face retribution for that little admittance, but the weight of it was slowly killing me.

“And Elliott
.” She asked as I started to shake my head. “It’s complicated.”

“I can relate to that
.” She huffed. We remained quiet for a few minute before a slow smile spread across her face “have you two ever...” She winked and nodded. When I simply stared at her and shook my head not understanding she clarified. “You know...have you and he done the horizontal tango, have you ridden the Dominic express, fu –“

“I understand you
.” I snapped before she continued her tirade. My cheeks heated to epic proportions.

“When
?” She asked sitting up quickly, her excitement growing.

“When what?” I asked frowning.

“You two...when did you?”

“Oh...ooh no...we haven’t I didn’t mean –“

“You’re blushing, come on tell me all the juicy details.” She turned towards me, lifting her knee onto the sofa and crossing her leg over it.

“I’ve never slept with him I swear...it’s not like that. We are just –“

“Friends.” She turned away from me and crossed her arms over her chest sullenly.

I let out a loud sigh. “We kissed once, twice, no actually three times.” I tilted my head to the side and calculated it then nodded my agreement to myself “Or should I say I kissed him. But nothing happened nothing has ever happened beyond that. He’s always.
..” I swallowed “it’s always been Vanessa for him.” perfect beautiful Vanessa.

“Do you know Eve, for a genius you can be a bloody idiot sometimes
.” She said and laughed. There

was no malice in her words “Dominic watches you constantly and Elliott watches him
.” She let out a dreamy sign and leaned against the settee cushions “I wish someone would look at me that way.” She turned her head still pressed against the cushions “Do you honestly not see it?”

I shook my head in the negative.

“Elliott adores you, he’s a dick, but I can see that he loves you. I don’t like how he talks to you and when you need him he’s nowhere to be found it’s like he frigging disappears into thin air, he disappears and Dominic is there immediately by your side looking like his heart was ripped out. When you were hurt by those bastards at the pub, watching Dominic with you was like...I saw the pain in his eyes sis, it was as if he was the one who’d taken the beating. When you’re hurt, it’s clear to see he hurts. But how I knew he loved you...” Her voice shook and she gave me a watery smile “Was when you were still recovering, and...you were lying curled up on your bed, Ellie was wrapped around you like a blanket, the TV screen was stuck on the menu screen of one of Ellie’s films and Dominic was sitting on your bed with you in the crook of his arm...and the way he...he watched you sleep Eve was like...” She gasped and placed her hand over her heart “Eve, you know I’m not into romantic sappy crap but bloody hell, it even made my knees weak. He just sat stroking your hair and looking at you as if...” She looked around the room as if gathering inspiration then threw up her hands and laughed “I don’t bloody know, I’m not a Bronte sister...but he looks at you like he wants to do more that stick his tongue down your throat and feel your boobies.”

I cracked up and burst out laughing. She winked then started laughing with me. Luckily my ribs were a little less painful, I felt free laughing with my sister and it felt wonderful.