Ethan, Who Loved Carter (15 page)

After Ethan’s shift ended, he and Carter walked outside together. “Does Vera know how scary she is?” Carter asked.

“I think so, yeah.” Ethan settled in the passenger seat of Carter’s car.

“Okay. Just checking.”

A
T
THE
beach, Carter parked in the lot near the caravan. Ethan’s friends already had a campfire going. Ethan took Carter’s arm as they walked to it because the ground was uneven, but also because he wanted to touch Carter. Jules scooted over to make room for them on the log. She handed them sticks and marshmallows. “So, what’s the big news?”

“Carter and I are dating,” Ethan said.

Everyone cheered. Ethan didn’t know if he’d ever been so happy, and Carter looked glad too. The night was cool, but it was warm around the fire. Horatio played a few songs. The others drank beer, but Carter and Ethan drank soda. Ethan liked that Carter drank soda with him. They sat around the campfire and Horatio played a few songs. Ethan wished Carter would play, but he was still too shy. Ethan put his arm around Carter’s shoulders. It was great to sit like that and know that Carter was his.

“So, it took you guys long enough,” Frankie said.

Ethan grinned at him. “I think so too.”

“Yeah,” Carter said. He scooted closer to Ethan. Carter was still nervous around Ethan’s friends. He’d have to get over that, but for now Ethan liked the idea that he was protecting him.

“Of course I haven’t seen his penis yet, but I hope to soon,” Ethan said. He expected that Carter would say that he hoped to see Ethan’s, but Carter was too busy coughing and then scrubbing his jeans with his palms where he’d spewed out chocolate and graham cracker on them. Ethan patted him and gave him his soda.

Nobody said anything for a second, probably waiting for Carter to agree. When Carter did speak, he only managed a few consonants before giving up and turning to push his face into Ethan’s shoulder, and say quietly so only Ethan could hear, “Oh my
God
.”

“I know,” Ethan said, happy. He’d never been friends and in love with someone at the same time, but he was both with Carter, and that made him want to have sex with him more than ever.

Frankie moved closer to Carter, “So, uh, would it be your first time, you know, with a guy?”

Carter pulled his face away from Ethan enough to say, “No. And can we not talk about it? Oh my God.” He hid again.

“I’ve slept with lots of guys,” Ethan said.

“We know,” Rolla said.

Carter kissed him and interrupted Ethan’s response. Ethan had more to say, but kissing was good too.

On the drive home from the beach, they held hands. Ethan wished Carter’s car didn’t have a console because he wanted to snuggle closer and maybe put his head in Carter’s lap. He touched Carter’s knee and managed to sneak his hand up Carter’s thigh to nudge his penis before Carter whined and pushed Ethan’s hand away.

“Ethan, don’t.”

“We’re boyfriends now,” Ethan pointed out.

“I know, but….”

Ethan pulled his hand to his own lap. He sat back in his seat, preparing a major sulk. “If it’s because of my….” he waved at his head “…I’ve done stuff with boys since then.”

“It’s not because of that,” Carter said. He turned the radio down. Ethan forced himself not to protest even though it was playing his favorite song that week. “Sex is important to me. I only do it with people I really care about.”

It took a few seconds to sink in. Then the meaning of Carter’s words knocked into him and only the fact they were going seventy miles per hour on the highway and Ethan was belted in prevented him from hurling himself out of the car. Instead, he bit down on his fist, but it didn’t stop his wail.

Carter swerved the car across two lanes of traffic and stopped on the side of the road. Ethan grabbed for the door, but he forgot about the belt, so it choked him when he tried to get out. Carter grabbed him. “Hey. Ethan? Please don’t cry. Please.” Carter had to shout because Ethan made so much noise. Carter’s voice shook like he was going to cry too. Ethan pushed his hands over his ears. He tried to shove Carter away, but his eyes were so thick with tears that he couldn’t see, plus it was dark out and he couldn’t tell what was outside the car, so he curled away from Carter and sobbed.

Carter’s seatbelt unclicked, and then he plastered himself against Ethan’s back in a way that felt really nice, especially when he stroked Ethan’s hair, and that made everything worse. “You didn’t let me finish,” Carter said.

“Don’t need to.” Ethan tried to struggle away, but Carter was like a blanket on him and Ethan was too big in Carter’s little car to go anywhere.

“Yes, I do,” Carter said. He eased up, but he kept his hand around Ethan’s wrist. “I need to tell you that I have sex with boyfriends I love. That’s you, Ethan. This is the truth. I’ve had boyfriends before, and thought I loved them, but I’ve never felt like I do when I’m with you.”

Ethan stared out the window. Carter had turned the car’s interior lights on, so Ethan saw Carter’s reflection watching him. He blinked a few times to see if the openness on Carter’s face would change, but it didn’t. “But you said….”

“There’s a second part,” Carter said. “One is I only have sex with people I love. The second is that sex matters to me. I want it to be romantic and special. Not in a car and not something I talk about except with people I trust.”

Ethan turned around. As he did, Carter’s hand slid down to meet his. “So, I shouldn’t have said what I did about wanting to see your penis?” He couldn’t meet Carter’s eyes. It was a stupid mistake. He should have known not to do it.

“That’s you, Ethan.” Carter nudged Ethan’s face up and gave him a little kiss. “I just have to ask that after you do see it, you don’t tell them how big it is, okay?”

Ethan filled up with happiness. He hadn’t ruined everything. He hadn’t even ruined anything! He kissed Carter, holding his face with both hands. “I promise.” Pushing Carter back, but still pressing his hands to Carter’s cheeks, he asked, “Wait—does this mean I
do
get to see it?”

Carter grinned. “Oh yeah. Definitely.”

“Good.” Ethan glanced down to Carter’s pants, which looked tighter than before. “Because I really can’t wait.”

Carter gently took Ethan’s wrists and pushed his hands down. “Well, we have to get home first. And then I want to shower you in rose petals and bubble bath.”

“Sounds sticky.”

He didn’t understand why Carter laughed so hard. “It was the most clichéd thing I could think of. I’m sorry! I promise I’ll come up with something better.” Carter kissed him again and wiped the last of Ethan’s tears away with his thumbs. Then turned the light off, shifted into gear, and pulled back into traffic. Ethan turned the radio up. He watched the mile markers and counted down until he could be home with Carter.

“We’ll have to do it fast,” he said as an afterthought. “I still have to be home by midnight.”

“Right,” Carter said. “That might be a problem.” It was already eleven o’clock. “What about tomorrow night?”

“Yeah. Tomorrow would be good.”

“Tomorrow, then.” Carter’s hand felt perfect in Ethan’s, even better than it did before they were dating. Now, it felt like they were transferring their best qualities to each other, so Ethan felt strong and smart. Carter tapped the steering wheel as he drove, so Ethan tapped his knee, as if he could take away some of Carter’s twitches, even though Ethan loved them as part of Carter. But, if they caused Carter pain, then Ethan would wish them away.

When Carter pulled into Ethan’s driveway, the front porch light was on. Elliot opened the door before they got out of the car. “Where were you?” he asked. He waved his phone at them. “I’ve been calling.”

Ethan checked his pocket. Dead battery on his cell. “I’m sorry. We went to the beach.”

Elliot looked angry, which made Ethan defensive. “Mom and Dad knew.”

“You should have had your phone anyway.”

“Did something happen?” Carter asked, which was good because otherwise Ethan was going to yell at Elliot to stop being rude, and then the neighbors would wake up. One time they called the police when that happened, so now Ethan tried to only yell at Elliot in the house, even though Elliot yelled at Ethan anywhere.

“Aunt Amelia is in the ICU again. Mom and Dad are on the way there now. You’re supposed to stay with us tonight.” He gave Carter the same glare he’d given Ethan. “Tried to call you, too.”

“Oh,” Carter said. He patted his pockets, stuck his thumbs inside, pulled them out, and stroked his legs, three times each. “Oh,” he repeated. “Okay. Um. I’ll go get my overnight bag and be back in ten minutes.” He shuffled backward. His feet found a rhythm on the gravel and shuffled over them again to repeat it. “Try not to ki-um-ki-ki-kill each other until I’m buh-buh-buh….” He spun around instead of finishing and took off through his yard. Ethan pulled Carter’s car keys out of the ignition and shut the door.

“You always make him nervous,” Ethan said. He was careful not to yell.

“He makes himself nervous,” Elliot said. “Get inside.”

“Don’t have to be rude about it,” Ethan muttered, but he did what Elliot said. It was getting cold. And anyway, Carter was spending the night, which meant no curfew, which meant tonight they’d have sex. Since it was Ethan’s house, Ethan needed to make it romantic like Carter wanted. He needed to sit and think about that, but he’d have to do it fast because Carter would be back in a few minutes, and that wasn’t long to prepare something special.

“I’m going downstairs,” Elliot said. “See you in the morning.”

The PlayStation was downstairs. “Don’t play all night,” Ethan said, same as their parents always did.

“Whatever,” Elliot said, same as always. He turned at the door to the basement. “You guys going to have sex tonight?”

“I think so.”

“Try not to make too much noise. I have school in the morning.” Ethan didn’t know why Elliot looked angry, but he was glad when Elliot went downstairs. Ethan hadn’t understood Elliot for years. Maybe he never would.

“E
THAN
?”
Carter turned to Ethan with a smile and then turned back to Ethan’s parents’ bed, which was strewn with torn magazine pages, each one depicting a flower. “Did you do this?”

“It’s my house, so I get to be romantic for you. And Mom doesn’t like anyone cutting her flowers, so I cut up her magazines instead. Do you like it?” He ended on a hopeful rise.

Carter allowed himself a moment of amusement as he imagined Liz wondering what had happened to her magazines—and her reaction when Ethan told her. “I love it. Come here.” Carter tugged Ethan toward the bed. At the nightstand, he turned the photo of Ethan’s parents around, and pulled Ethan into bed. They kissed. Carter loved Ethan’s mouth more each time he touched it. Soft, thick lips that felt like pillows against Carter’s, and then Ethan’s tongue doing its best to dispel that impression, jabbing into Carter’s mouth, prodding for entrance, and making Carter feel wanted like never before. Ethan pulled Carter’s shirt off. He eyed Carter’s chest and swept his greedy tongue over his lush top lip. “You have a nice body.”

“So do you,” Carter said. Ethan looked down and crossed his freckled arms and over his chest. “You
do
.” Carter raised Ethan’s chin. “I like looking at you.”

“You do? You don’t think I’m fat? I should exercise more.”

“The fact that you don’t know you’re hot is the best thing about you.” Carter smoothed his hands down Ethan’s chest, over his shirt, feeling the soft curves and muscle beneath. “Everything about you is beautiful.” Pushing Ethan’s shirt off, he thumbed over Ethan’s nipples. Ethan nuzzled Carter’s neck and made a little noise that caused Carter’s cock to scream for freedom. He kissed Ethan one more time and stood up to get out of his pants. Ethan stripped too; Carter wasn’t sure if his speed was due to eagerness or self-consciousness. It was difficult to think of Ethan being uncertain of himself, considering his openness about sex, but maybe his experiences hadn’t been like this. Carter wouldn’t ask about that now, not when he had Ethan to himself. He intended to appreciate every inch of Ethan.

Ethan flung himself down on his back. Carter knelt above him. Looking down at Ethan’s naked body, he remembered the first time he’d gone to Ethan’s room and seen him posing in front of the mirror. He remembered how handsome Ethan had looked in his costume on stage. How handsome he always looked. And now here he was, waiting for Carter. Ethan was beautiful, too beautiful for Carter. Forget what John had said about Carter dating Ethan because they were alike. Ethan would get bored of Carter before long and leave him. Ethan needed music and color in his life. Carter could only provide one of those. He had as much chance in holding onto Ethan as he did holding the sun.

“What’s wrong?” Ethan asked.

“Remember I said I only did this with people I care about?”

“Yeah.”

“I never cared about anyone more than you.” Carter blinked away a speck of dust in his eye and lay down on top of Ethan to hold him. He might get scorched, but he’d hold on as long as he could. He’d be Ethan’s Icarus and go down with his wings aflame. His history of disappointment fluttered through his mind, the men he’d decided were
the one
. He’d never felt like this with any of them. If only he’d known what feeling to look for, he could have saved himself from hurt.

Ethan hugged him back and kissed him. “I never cared about anyone more than you either.” In response, Carter reached between them for Ethan’s cock. Ethan thrust into his fist. “Yeah, oh my God, feels so good, Carter.” He kept up a babble of all the good things Carter made him feel, and Carter soaked it into his own moans when Ethan took hold of Carter’s cock and made Carter move. Carter wasn’t sure when Ethan got a hand around both of their cocks together; it was either when Carter accidentally bit Ethan’s clavicle or when Ethan scraped his teeth over Carter’s nipple, but the sensation sent him soaring, this fact of fragile skin rubbing fragile skin, and Ethan’s nonstop talking,
so good
,
Carter
,
the best
,
always knew
, and Carter hot all over and knowing,
knowing
Ethan was it for him, for always, and that fact, yes, plus Ethan pressing
there
on his slit, and Carter came, worrying in his hindbrain that Ethan’s thumb would stop it from getting out, but no, it spurted out, messy and slick and Carter needed it, needed to have Ethan push his soaked thumb into Carter’s mouth to suck, needed Ethan again, still, always.