Ethan, Who Loved Carter (12 page)

“Carter?”

“Yeah?”

“You can sleep with me if you want.”

Carter moved toward the bed before his brain caught up with how much he’d hoped Ethan would offer that. Ethan lifted the covers up and Carter slid into the twin bed beside him. He slotted his back against Ethan’s chest. As Ethan dropped the blanket, his arm fell over Carter’s chest and stayed there. With his other hand, Ethan petted Carter’s hair.

“It’s okay, Carter,” he said, “I’ll keep you safe.”

“Okay,” Carter said, because he didn’t want to tell Ethan that he wasn’t having nightmares and the only thing that frightened him was being lonely, and no one could keep him safe from that.

He woke up with his nose in Ethan’s shoulder and Ethan smiling at him. Carter reeled backward and fell out of bed. “Elliot,” he said in response to Ethan’s confused and hurt expression.

“He’s my little brother,” Ethan said, reminding Carter. Carter expected him to add, “He doesn’t make the rules,” but he didn’t. Ethan set his feet on the floor next to Carter and pushed himself to a standing position. He grabbed a T-shirt draped over the desk chair and pulled it on. Carter looked away as Ethan stretched the shirt over his head and flexed his stomach as he raised his arms. Unable to resist the pale skin, Carter snuck a glance as the fabric dropped over it. From his position on the floor, his eyes swept over Ethan’s crotch as well. It was morning, so the bulge tenting Ethan’s boxers was only natural and there was no reason for Carter’s cheeks to heat or for his palm to sneak between his legs and press against his own morning habit.

“My penis is always hard in the morning,” Ethan said, like an announcement. Carter didn’t need to look up to know that Ethan was looking at him, at his
hand
between his legs. Even knowing this, he couldn’t bring himself to move it. It felt good there. That was one reason. The other was if he moved it, it was a confession, and that one was more important. Clinging to plausible denial was all Carter had left. “It goes down after I pee,” Ethan said.

“That’s good.”

“Then I masturbate,” Ethan said, and the coils that had started to loosen from Carter’s gut clamped around him again.

“Oh,” he said, squeaking.

Ethan reached down and patted Carter’s head. Carter pried his gaze up from the floor as Ethan swaggered out. That smartass
knew
. Carter gave himself a final, private stroke and rolled to his feet. After a minute spent thinking of the least sexy things he could—pollution, city traffic, lard—he felt confident enough to return to Nolan and Liz’s bedroom to find his clothes.

T
HE
night before Mom and Dad came home because Aunt Amelia was feeling better, Elliot had a girl over. Jennifer wore old jeans and smiled a lot. She seemed nice, not like the girl at the beach. But Elliot took her up to his room and shut the door.

“Is he allowed to do that?” Carter asked. Carter had only waved at her instead of talking. Ethan was so used to hearing Carter talk that he had to stop and remember that Carter didn’t talk to too many people. “Should I go open the door?”

“He doesn’t want me in there because I embarrass him with girls,” Ethan said.

“I’m sure you don’t mean to.” Carter touched Ethan’s elbow and made him smile, even though he did feel sad.

“Elliot doesn’t care.”

The song was almost finished. Carter said another few sessions (Carter called working on it “sessions”) should do it. In Ethan’s opinion, it was the best song ever, mainly because he wrote it with Carter. He hated saying good-bye to Carter when Mom and Dad returned, but Carter said Ethan should come over every day like usual.

Mom had picked up burgers on the road and they smelled delicious, but Ethan was still melancholy about not having Carter in his bed. He said so when Dad asked him “why the long face, Bronco?” and Dad and Mom both talked about what a good friend Carter was, so that made Ethan feel better.

And then at work Mike gave him a new bottle of blue nail polish because he noticed Ethan’s nails were chipped, and that was awesome. Doug scowled, but Ethan was used to that now. He tried to ignore the way Doug scolded Mike for being a friend. Ethan dropped the bottle into his pocket. Carter needed to redo his thumb that Ethan had painted for him too. They could do it tonight.

When Ethan went over to Carter’s after work, Alice was there. Carter looked frazzled. That was a good word, frazzled. His hair stood up like when he woke up in the morning, but it was because he kept rubbing it. Ethan sat down on the couch and pulled the coffee table close to start on his nails while Carter and Alice went over a pile of papers on the floor. He wondered if Carter hadn’t slept well. After two nights without nightmares (and Carter cuddling with him), Ethan hadn’t been able to sleep his first night without Carter, so he’d spent the night with Elliot because Mom and Dad were wiped out from the long drive and Ethan didn’t want to wake them. He’d slept okay; Elliot had rubbed his back.

“He got
arrested
?” Carter swept one stack out of his way. “And you couldn’t have hired a replacement who sings in the same key?” He sounded panicked. Or maybe angry. Definitely upset.

“Who got arrested?” Ethan asked.

“A no-account loser who was supposed to have the lead role in the benefit I’m directing this weekend,” Alice said. “He got caught with a prostitute and now the scandal has forced me to fire him. Plus, he’ll be in jail until after the show,” she added. That was annoyance. Ethan got enough of that from Elliot to recognize it right off.

“And the guy they found to replace him needs the music dropped down a key, which means the
three weeks
of work I put into transposing it in the first place is wasted. And now I have to start over and get it done in four days. Where the heck did I put my notes?” Carter spread the pile out more.

Ethan capped the nail polish and went to put his arm around Carter. Carter dropped his head on Ethan’s shoulder and sighed loudly, like Ethan did when no one was paying attention to him and he wanted them to.

“Oh, Carter. Don’t be such a diva,” Alice said. “Incidents like this are what keep you in the moola. You’re getting triple your rate for clearing up this clusterfuck.”

Carter put his arms around Ethan. “I’m going to stay right here until you fix this, Alice. You’d better have hired someone dependable this time.”

“You mean until
you
fix it, and don’t worry, I did,” Alice said.

Ethan hugged Carter. He could stay in Ethan’s arms if he wanted. Carter smelled nice, like pizza. Ethan looked around for a box. Maybe he could have a piece too.

“If I were an actor,” Ethan said, “I’d always be on time and I’d never be with prostitutes.”

“You’re one of the good ones,” Carter said, but it was hard to hear because his face was against Ethan’s shirt.

“Carter told me you’ve done a few things at your temple,” Alice said.

“I got to be Hegai during Purim.” Out of the roles Ethan had played each year, Hegai was his favorite because all the girls in the harem were lots of fun. Before, capital B, he’d played Mordechai. That was when he was fourteen, and he’d had a solo. That was good too.

Before Ethan could feel sad about it, Carter peeled himself away, though he held onto Ethan’s shirt, and said, “We watched a video of it. Ethan did a great job. He’s a natural up there.”

“I’m not,” Ethan said and ducked his head because he was smiling so much and felt warm in his ears and in his groin.

“You are,” Carter said, and it didn’t sound like patronizing, so Ethan burned even more with that heat.

“Would you be interested in doing something in the play this weekend?” Alice asked.

“Wha-what?” Ethan asked.

“Hey, I’m the one with the stutter,” Carter said. He ribbed Ethan lightly in his side.

“It’s a walk-on part, one line, but it’s hilarious. You’ll get a big laugh.”

“Yeah?” Closing his eyes, Ethan pictured himself onstage and the audience laughing because of his performance. He opened them again and saw Alice grinning at him. “What if I can’t do it?”

“We’ll ask your parents. It’s in LA, so you’d have to go down for the weekend.”

“Oh.” That was a possibility he hadn’t considered. He’d have to let that sink in. “I mean, what if I get it wrong?”

“That’s what rehearsal’s for,” Alice said.

“Ethan, if you want to do this, we’ll make it happen, and you can practice your line until your face turns blue,” Carter said. “I think you’ll be great.”

“Well….” Ethan flushed with pride as he looked at Carter because Carter shone with confidence that was only meant for Ethan. “Okay. I want to do it.”

“Awesome,” Alice said with delight.

Ethan glanced at Carter, who looked like if Alice weren’t in the room, he’d kiss Ethan on the mouth. Ethan filled up with happiness.

He got up to go to the bathroom and take care of it—at least, the part causing his jeans to be too tight.

Carter’s bathroom was pink. It embarrassed him, but Ethan didn’t mind it. Every color deserved a room to itself. He tried to get Carter to paint his office blue, but so far Carter hadn’t bit to the idea.

As Ethan walked back to the living room, he heard Alice talking.

“All I’m saying is Ethan doesn’t let his condition stop him. He’s amazing and out there seizing the day and following his heart; and you’re amazing, but you’re holed up in here letting your dreams and talent pass you by.”

“Alice, I am not going to perform in front of people. I can’t.”

“You mean you won’t. You’re good, Carter. You are fricking amazing.”

“Will you drop it, please?”

Ethan walked back into the room and sat down next to Carter in case Carter needed him. Carter kept his eyes on the papers, but he patted Ethan’s hand.

C
ARTER
had expected if Ethan got permission that Carter would drive him down to LA, do the play, and drive him back. He instead found himself in the Harts’ van with the entire family and Jennifer, which shouldn’t have surprised him. Ethan’s LA acting debut was an
event
, and Carter wasn’t sure who was more excited—Ethan or his parents. Even Elliot had slapped Ethan on the back. In the backseat, Elliot and Jennifer took up, according to Liz, less room than necessary.

Carter’s three years in LA had left him with specific reasons for leaving. Maybe he’d been stupid to move there, a small-town boy with crippling shyness and relentless twitches. LA—dirty, traffic-ridden, pollution-filled, frightening. When he walked down a street in LA, Carter pulled his hood up and jammed his hands into his sweatshirt’s pockets.
Cool, man, keep it cool
. No eye contact, not ever. It was a threat to some people, and he got enough of those from people thinking his facial tics had something to do with them, so, no.
Head down, keep moving
.

How many times from the corner of his eye had he seen a homeless person standing against a wall twitching? She’d tuck her head down to hide behind her own hood, and he’d feel a flash of sympathy. Other passersby would glance at her and move expressionlessly on. He often wondered if people looked at him and thought any of the things they thought about this ragged woman?
Crazy
.
Needs a fix
.
Going to spend anything I give her on drugs
. Uncomfortable with the comparison—and guilty for the feeling—Carter always hurried on, telling himself that her privacy was more important than dropping a quarter into the dirty box at her feet.

He’d hoped to disappear in the big city, and it had made him miserable. “
Don’t drive people away
,” his mama said, as if it was something he could help. He hated being looked at, hated crowds; she knew that. In LA everything was a crowd; everyone looked, even if they acted like they didn’t.

Seeing LA through Ethan’s eyes took the grime away and turned it back into the magical place of dreamers. They stopped to eat, but Ethan couldn’t stay still. After his second time wandering away because something caught his eye, Nolan grabbed Ethan’s hand and held on. Ethan mumbled an apology, but his smile didn’t dim, nor did he stop heading toward anything that interested him. He just took Nolan with him.

The Harts dropped Carter off at his old building, where his former roommate still lived. He climbed over Ethan to get out of the van. To his surprise, Ethan got out too. “I want to see where you used to live.”

“Is that okay?” Carter asked. “We’ll just be a minute.”

“Take your time. It’s not like we’re starving or anything,” Elliot said.

“Great!” Ethan headed for the building.

“He was being sarcastic,” Carter yelled.

“Uh-huh. Is this it?” Ethan stopped in front of the entrance.

“This is it.” Carter reached over and pushed the buzzer for his old apartment. “You’ll like John.”

“
Hey, bitchezzz
!”
John’s deep voice rumbled through the intercom. “
Get your ass up here
!”

Carter pushed the door open. “He’s colorful.” Ethan looked alarmed. “But I promise he’s harmless.”

Carter considered revising his statement when John flung the apartment door open and hugged him so tight Carter felt his bones shift. When John set him down, Carter turned to find that Ethan had backed well out of reach and stood pressed against the opposite wall. “John, this is Ethan. He’s the reason I’m here.”

“Oh! You’re the one in the play?”

Ethan gave a cautious nod.

“Well, get your ass in here and tell me all about it.”

“You aren’t going to hug me like that, are you?”

Carter clamped his mouth shut. If anyone could handle John’s hugs, Ethan could. When he got excited, he hugged Carter even harder than John.

John laughed. “You’re safe. Come on. You want a soda?”

Ethan pressed forward with renewed eagerness. “Yes, please.”

Carter got another hug as he entered, but John kept his promise to Ethan and let him pass without molestation. “You’ve got the couch. We had to rent your room,” John said.