Every Day a Friday: How to Be Happier 7 Days a Week (12 page)

That’s true fulfillment. That’s when you will be rewarded.

These days it seems we are all touchy and on edge. A member of our congregation told me recently, “I quit coming to church for two months because everybody was talking about me. Everybody was against me.”

I didn’t say it, but I thought, “Ma’am,
everybody
doesn’t know you.”

We have a big church. With seats for nearly seventeen thousand people, the odds of everybody picking on one person are slim.

This woman was on edge, like so many people today. She fell into a trap of creating conflict where there was none. As a result, she stayed home,
missed church, and hurt only herself. The funny thing is, our church services seemed to be just as good as ever—matter of fact, a little bit better than normal—in her absence!

Maybe worse than being on edge is holding a grudge. What a waste that is! What’s in it for you except stress and anxiety? I was leaving the mall with a friend a few years ago when he stopped near the exit doors to the parking lot. Our car was only about fifty feet outside the doors.

“Let’s go another way,” he said.

“Why?” I asked. “Our car is right here.”

“I don’t walk by that store,” he said. “They did me wrong.”

I might have laughed, but he was so serious and dramatic, I thought maybe they’d accused him of shoplifting or something worse.

“What happened?” I asked.

“They wouldn’t take back a pair of shoes when I was in high school.”

Twenty years ago?
I thought.
I’d imagine that store manager is dead and gone by now, or retired to Florida.

I wanted to say, “Just let it go. I’ll buy you some new shoes!”

My friend had been carrying that grudge around so long that he’d probably worn out ten pairs of shoes due to the excess weight of it.

Are you on edge, carrying a grudge, or fighting battles that are not important but consume your time and energy and keep you from pursuing what’s really important—your God-given goals, your God-given dreams?

You have only so much energy. If you become caught up in things that don’t matter, when a real threat comes along—a real Goliath battle that might make a difference in your drive toward your divine destiny—you may not have the energy to win that battle.

In my early days as a pastor, I had difficulty ignoring my critics. I wanted everybody to like me. I’d stepped in after my father’s death in 1999, and his were big shoes to fill. He had led his church for forty years.

One of my problems was that I tried to keep everyone happy. I didn’t want to lose anybody. I finally decided,
I will just be myself and do it the way God is leading me
. Ninety-nine percent of the congregation was
behind me and very loyal. But there were a few who were not supporters. Some didn’t like the way I ministered, and some didn’t like the way I was leading the church.

I felt pressured to fit into their mold and become who they wanted me to be. But you are anointed to be you. When you let people squeeze you into their mold and you bow to pressure by trying to please all the critics, you lose your identity and uniqueness. It lessens God’s favor.

So, I stepped into my own anointing. I made some changes and a few didn’t like them. Some of the disgruntled members had been with the church a long time. They criticized me, but I did what I’m asking you to do. I ignored the criticisms. They didn’t celebrate me, but I paid them no mind.

I didn’t lose any sleep. I didn’t try to win them over. I didn’t say, “Just hear my heart.” I just ran my race with purpose, with focus, and with integrity. I saw God give me His favor more and more. Eventually the critics left. But God brought me a lot more people, some forty thousand more. When you do things God’s way, you never lose out.

After years of wasting my time and energy trying to win over my critics, I decided to focus on pleasing God and those who encourage me and love me. I accepted that some people would never come around to the wonder of me!

So I became a professional ignorer, and, I must say, I’m very good at it. I’m all for treating every person with respect, kindness, and consideration. But I no longer try to appease or please my critics.

From Mother Teresa to Nelson Mandela, from the Wright brothers to Steve Jobs; every person who has achieved great things has had critics. You will have yours, too. I’ve heard this said: “If you get kicked in the rear, it means that you’re out in front.”

The front-runner is always the focus of those who trail behind. The more success you have, the more opportunities there will be for distractions. The higher you go, the more haters will come out. When you reach a new level by pursuing what God has put in your heart, the jealous, critical people and the small-minded people will come out of the woodwork. But don’t be a people pleaser, be a God pleaser.

I met a couple years ago and tried to be a good friend to them, but they never seemed to warm up to me. They would greet me and act cordial enough, yet they kept a distance. I just could not understand that. I went out of my way to win their approval. I introduced them to my friends. In fact, one of those connections led to a business partnership for them. Still, they were not receptive to my offer of friendship.

Eventually, they relocated to another city. Don’t ask me why, but I found people to help them move. I even gave them a gift for their new home. Despite all those efforts, this couple remained cool to me.

A few years after they left town, I heard that they’d said unkind things about me. They thought I hadn’t done enough for them, and here I’d gone out of my way and bent over backward to help them.

I recently saw an interesting set of statistics on friendship. Researchers found that 25 percent of the people you meet will not like you. The next 25 percent won’t like you but could be persuaded to. Another 25 percent will like you but could be persuaded not to, and the final 25 percent will like you and stand by you no matter what.

If you take those statistics to heart, you should feel free of any acceptance anxiety. Just realize that some people won’t like you no matter what you do, so don’t waste your time and energy trying to win them over. You could compliment some people every hour, send flowers every day, mow their lawns every week, but still they will never like you.

That’s what I decided about that couple I’d done so much for. I realize now they’re just among the 25 percent who will never like me. I wish I had known back then what I know now. I wouldn’t have wasted my time trying to win them over.

If someone doesn’t want to be your friend, just consider it that person’s loss.
Too bad for you; you don’t know what you’re missing.
When I quit fighting those battles for approval and acceptance as a young man, God began to bring people into my life who celebrated me. Not long after, I met Victoria. She celebrates me. I celebrate her.

Do not waste your valuable time and energy playing up to anyone who snubs or slights you. Such people are merely distractions. One friend of
mine calls them “background scenery in the story of my life.” You don’t need their approval to be who God made you to be. You don’t need their acceptance. You are one of God’s children.

Let go of their disapproval and know that God will send people who celebrate your talents, your personality, and your accomplishments. With them, you can just relax and be who God made you to be. Whatever you do, they’ll think you’re the greatest thing in the world.

In my grandmother’s eyes I could do no wrong as a boy. Once, when someone ate her homemade chocolate-chip cookies before dinner, I was not even a suspect. Who was it?

“Not my darling Joel,” she said. “It may have been one of his sisters, but I know Joel would never do that.” My three sisters would be so aggravated. They’d say, “Grandmama thinks Joel is a saint.”

I can’t help it. I had favor even back then. That’s the kind of people God wants to bring you, people who believe the best of you.

Take on this attitude:
I have something great to offer. I am one of a kind. I have a great personality. I have the right looks. And I will not waste time trying to make people love me. I will let that go and trust God to bring me divine connections, people who celebrate me just as I am.

When Nehemiah was rebuilding the walls of Jerusalem (see Nehemiah 4), there were two men at the bottom of the mountain named Sanballat and Tobiah. They were his biggest critics, and the whole time he was up there working they were hollering things like, “Nehemiah, come down here and fight with us. You will never finish that wall. You don’t have what it takes.”

I love the fact that Nehemiah was focused. They were making a lot of noise, threatening him, calling him names, but he recognized there was no benefit to fighting with them.

When God puts a dream in your heart, there will always be the Sanballats and the Tobiahs trying to engage you in battles that don’t matter. They may talk mean and say things behind your back. They’ll try to lure you into strife. But be disciplined. Recognize when it’s a battle that’s worth fighting.

A reporter asked Bill Cosby the secret of success. He said, “I don’t know the secret of success, but I do know the secret of failure, and that is to try to please everybody.” You have to accept that not everybody will support you. Not everyone will like you. Not everybody will understand you. That’s okay. Be the best that you can be, and God will take care of your critics.

You don’t have time to come down off that wall. You don’t have time to convince your critics. You don’t have time to argue. You have a destiny to fulfill. You have an assignment to accomplish. Learn to ignore the Sanballats and the Tobiahs. Before long, like Nehemiah, you’ll complete your wall and your actions will answer your critics.

Stay focused on the main goals God has put in your heart. He will do amazing things. Like David, you will defeat your giants. Like Nehemiah, you will complete your walls. Ignore the distractions, and you will accomplish your goals all the quicker.

Many of the challenges that may come your way are simply distractions meant to lure you from your destiny. When you are tempted to vent your emotions because someone has hurt or angered you, it is best to ask yourself,
Is it worth it? Even if I win this battle, what is the prize? What will lashing out accomplish?

You may miss out on God’s best while distracted by battles that don’t matter. Maybe you are trying to prove your worth, trying to win over your critics, or playing for approval. Those are all needless distractions. Choose your battles wisely.

In the early years of our marriage, I had a pet peeve. If Victoria didn’t turn off all the lights when she left the house, I’d get uptight.

“Victoria, be sure to turn off all the lights!”

A few hours later, I’d come home to an empty house with all the lights on. I would tell her once again we were paying too much on our power bills.

I knew she didn’t leave the lights on intentionally. She just left without thinking to turn them off because she had other things on her mind. I’m more of a details person. Victoria is more of a big-picture person. We just have different personalities and different strengths.

I harped at her for about five years before I put that pet peeve down.

After all that time bringing tension into the house, getting uptight, it finally dawned on me,
Joel, this is not a battle worth fighting. If it costs you an extra ten dollars a month in electricity, it’s well worth keeping the peace in your home.

The lower power bills were not worth the higher stress and heartache. Learn from my mistake. How much tension are you bringing into the home unnecessarily? You may win a victory, but will it be worth the stress?

Have you ever heard the saying “A bulldog can whip a skunk any day of the week. But sometimes even a dog realizes it’s just not worth the stink”?

Winning isn’t everything.

I’ve found it’s easy to start a fight, but it’s hard to end one. The best strategy is to take a step back, draw a deep breath, and say, “What truly matters here?”

Proverbs 20:3 says, “Avoiding a fight is a mark of honor” (
NLT
). If you want God to honor you, if you want to enjoy your life, be a peacemaker. Be the kind of person who avoids an unnecessary fight, a fight that carries no real rewards.

Your home needs to be a place of peace. You and your spouse need to be in harmony. You are stronger together than you are apart. Not only that, your children need to see a good example. They will treat their own spouses the same way they’ve seen their parents treat each other.

Fight mode should not be your daily setting. You likely have friends, family members, or co-workers who constantly run hot. They are always aggravated at a spouse, a neighbor, or someone in the office. Anger consumes their time and energy. They don’t know when a battle is not worth fighting because there are no spoils. Even if they win, they’ll be no further down the road toward happiness or fulfillment.

If you make the mistake of engaging in every potential battle that comes along, and you are constantly defending yourself, proving your point, straightening out others, then you probably won’t have the energy to fight the battles that do matter. Be a warrior, but even a warrior knows when to sit one out. He saves his energy for the battles that mean something; those that move him closer to his God-given destiny.

First Samuel 17 tells the story of David and Goliath. As a shepherd boy, David was asked by his father to take meals to his brothers on the battlefield. They had much more prestigious positions as warriors. David was stuck tending the family flock. When he went onto the battlefield on his errand, he heard Goliath taunting his people. David asked the men standing around, “What is the prize for the man who defeats this giant?”