Everything Changes (42 page)

Sean finally saw it. He dragged in a deep
shuttering breath just as mine hitched on exhale. My eyes burned with tears as
I struggled to breathe. “You don’t love me, do you?”

His words were like a sledgehammer to the walls I
built around myself hoping I wouldn’t feel this. The fact of the matter was I
did have feelings for Sean, just not as strong as the ones I felt for Parker.

“I’m sorry, Sean…I can’t marry you,” I blurted
out feeling the weight lifting already, a light in the darkness surrounding me.
“It’s not fair to you, and I’m sorry I lied to you. I was stupid and I’m
sorry.”

My head hung just as his once did. I couldn’t
bear to see another set of eyes staring back at me with sadness. “I’m sorry,” I
mumbled again, feeling the tears again.

“So…all those times you were telling me no…” His
voice faded and I knew what he was implying. Sex. It was an argument we had
quite often. “You were with him, weren’t you?” The anger and resentment in his
voice shook each word and in turn made my heart feel like he was shattering it.

“Please don’t make this harder.”

“Harder for you?” he shouted. “How the fuck to
you think I feel?”

I saw Parker standing beside Justin who grabbed
his arm when he stepped forward. The last thing we needed was for Parker to get
involved. Sean nodded, his body relaxing slightly after a moment, and then let
out a whoosh of breath he’d been holding. “I think I always knew.” Sean glanced
to Parker in the distance the hint of anger he tried to bury flared. “You can’t
marry me when you look at him like that.”

“Sean I—” I never wanted to hurt him and the fact
that I did and it could have been prevented was killing me inside.

His tender fingers silenced me. “Ro, I’m not
dumb…just subjectively blind, I guess.” His arms wrapped around my shoulders.
“I’ve known. I just thought maybe it was just a fling, something you’d outgrow,
but now I know…you belong with him, not me.”

“I never meant to hurt you, Sean…I just…” My
tears took on a life of their own.

Sean also knew he wasn’t the comfort I needed.
“Take care of yourself, Rowan.”

With one final hug, I let go of a man who may not
be the love of my life, but he did show me where I belonged. He would forever
be a friend to me.

When I turned around, the rain picked up as if it
signified the meaning behind my situation. My dad walked past me towards Sean
with his hands in his pockets. He winked at me and nodded his head at the view
behind us. “Go talk to him,” my dad said, tipping his head to Parker who was
leaning against Justin’s truck.

I looked over my shoulder to see Sean walking
over to him. I wasn’t at all surprised by Sean’s reaction right then either. As
soon as he got to Parker, he punched him, as if he was getting in the last
word.

In all actuality, Parker knew it was coming when
he asked me to get on that bike.

I heard the commotion, Justin pushed Sean away
from Parker as Ben came around the other side of the truck too, ready to break
it up.

Parker, stunned but expecting it, caught himself
before he fell to the ground, his head hanging as he swept his hand over his
bleeding lip. As I expected, he squared his shoulders as if he was saying that
he wouldn’t take another hit. That was the only shot Sean was getting.

My eyes remained wide wondering what was about to
happen when nothing happened.

Sean kept his gaze level with Parker’s and give
him a nod and then got in his car to leave.

Parker stood there staring at the ground.

When Parker looked up at me, everyone else walked
away knowing we needed to talk.

When I reached him, rain pelted down on us,
drowning out the heavy breathing. My words, whatever I chose to say to him
right then, would be what we’d become. Moments passed as everything changed
again.
 
I reached up to run my hand
across his cheek and wipe the blood from his now swollen lip. He swallowed but
said nothing.

“I couldn’t marry him when my heart belongs to
you.” I paused and our eyes met as he waited patiently for what I would say
next. “Parker… I can’t be without you again.” I bared my soul just as he did,
time and time again. Only now, it wasn’t me saying,
“I love you but…”
It
was just me saying,
“I love you.”
No
implications, no buts, nothing but I love you.

Parker gave me an
emotional smile, but his only answer was pressing his lips to mine. Then he
said what I needed to hear. “I’ll never let you forget it either.”

CHAPTER
30

Rowan
O’Neil

Parade Lap

This is typically done by the pros at larger
events. The winner of the race takes an extra lap around the track for the fans
entertainment.

October
22, 2005

When I watched Parker race, I thought about my
own experiences riding and what inspired me to do so. I loved the freedom it
gave me and the sense of pride knowing I could do what some men struggled to
do. But still, I hadn’t rode a dirt bike since my time spent with Parker in
Moab back in ‘97. I guess I just didn’t have the interest after that. The
following winter when he left to race Supercross, I sold it to buy a plane
ticket to see him in Anaheim.

Back then I lived for phone calls, shy glances,
and smirks.

Now I lived for…well…I lived for what my life
was.

My life had changed a lot since then.

Now I was Parker’s wife. I didn’t wait on phone
calls, shy glances, or smirks. I had those all the time.

“Take a deep breath,” Parker said to me in a
sweet sugary tone that I loved. He noticed me staring at him in the staging
area of Sam Boyd Stadium. It wasn’t the first time I had been to a race of his
but tonight felt different. If felt different because of everything we had
accomplished over the years.

“I’m sorry it’s just that I’m sweating and my arm
pits are itching.” I pulled at my t-shirt, the warm Vegas sun beating down on
me.

“Why are your armpits itching?”

I shrugged, looking over at the photographers and
stadium full of fans. “I don’t know. I’m nervous,” I looked up at the sky,
reminded of how many times I looked up there for answers and now I wasn’t
really looking for an answer. I had them. The sky was crystal clear, no clouds
in sight. A million stars blinking back at me with a full moon staring back at
me.

I looked over at Parker, the lights of the
stadium catching his eyes.

“Shouldn’t I be the one nervous?” His grin was
hard to ignore as he tried to be supportive, but it should have been me being
the supportive one.

This was Parker’s first full season in the AMA
Supercross series since his accident and now here he was competing in the
Monster Energy Cup after winning the outdoor Motocross series and placing third
in the Supercross series. No one said he’d come back, but he did and I was
nervous.

Two years ago, a month after our wedding, Parker
had decided with an edge of vengeance that no one was ever going to tell him he
couldn’t race professionally. Yeah, it was dangerous but he was tired of not
being what he wanted. He was tired of guys like Dusty trying to measure him up
all the time or men like his dad, Jeremy, telling him he’d never amount to
anything. If he wasn’t racing, in his eyes, he wasn’t living, so he changed
that.

Jeremy was really hard on Justin and Parker when
they were growing up, but I honestly think, and Jack and Michelle would agree
with me, that it made those boys who they were today. They were great guys and
even better husbands. Parker worked every day to get back into the physical
condition that he had been in before the accident. The pressure in the series
was harder than ever, but Parker was up to the challenge, and I did everything
I could to support him. We had moved to Scottsdale, Arizona, a place where
Parker had always loved and he was able to train every day. I still saw my
family a lot and
Addy
and Justin daily; they were now
our neighbors.

My parents still lived in Shelton, and my dad
still ran the same shop. When I thought about my parents, the two people that
were supposed to teach me how to handle life and what was thrown my way, I always
had two very different viewpoints. My dad was always matter-of-fact and this
was the way it would be. He let me experience life, gave his opinion when I
wanted, but never forced me to do anything. There were no secrets with him.

My mom was the complete opposite and lived in a
fairytale land, rightfully so given her circumstances. It was safe to say I
lived a sheltered life and I really had no idea how to handle what Parker and I
were at such a young age. I spent a lot of time wondering, observing, and
judging for myself how the world worked and why certain people were handed the
life they wanted where others were forced to fight for everything they had.
While I didn’t think it was right, it had a way of making you understand that
things just happened and sometimes you couldn’t control it or change it.

My life played out the way it was meant to be. I
was meant to be with Parker, and though I appreciated what Sean taught me about
life and love, because he did teach me some things, I wasn’t meant to be with
Sean.

After the deal with Sean, and Parker’s accident,
we both realized a very important part of our lives. Change. It could happen in
the blink of an eye and it wasn’t always bad. Sometimes change was good.
Sometimes it showed you where you were meant to be all along.

Sean and I remained friends, and he eventually
married his high school girlfriend. Now have a little boy. He was happy and
that was all I ever wanted from him. That didn’t mean Sean wouldn’t glare at
Parker when we came home to Washington, because he did, but life had changed
considerably and for the better this time.

I still had fear of change and the unexpected at
times, but I was doing better and I had Parker to thank for that. Was I scared
of his lifestyle now that he was racing again?

Yeah, I was at times, but he was there every step
of the way, holding my hand and showing me this change was good and that
together we could get through anything.

I worried occasionally about my family, but I
also knew I had to live my life. And that just went back to the blink of an eye
thing. If I blinked, I was scared it would be over, so I went head first over
the bars into what I loved. Parker. He helped me realize so much about myself
and what I wanted out of life that I cherished the gift he provided me all
those years, his friendship, his love, and his support. I went back to school
and got my degree for massage therapy. It was beneficial for a husband that
raced dirt bikes and helped him with his recovery. He was more than happy to
let me practice my skills on him.

Racing in the AMA took pure unrestricted
commitment, and Parker had that. Funny thing about adrenaline sports was the
more you won, the more you wanted. Parker had a taste of that victory, and now
it was the only flavor he knew.

Parker once said to me that he waited for an
opportunity, and he was overlooked, and then one day the opportunity was there
like it had always been there but you didn’t see it.

I believed that in more ways the one, both with
our relationship and now with his racing.

“It’s going to be fine, promise.” And just like
that he calmed me by raising his hand to brush it over my sweaty cheek. He
defused my nerves with his shy smile. “Now wish me luck, wife.” Parker leaned
over straddling his bike, his body pressed to mine to tuck me under his arm, a
place I felt completely comfortable.

My hands found their way around his broad
shoulders and to his KTM jersey. “Good luck, husband.”

He grinned, adjusting his goggles, when Justin
patted Parker’s back.
 
“Time to go, bud.”

Bryce gave him a fist bump. “Remember, uncle
Parker, wide open and big air. That’s what I like to see.” Bryce loved the fact
that his uncle raced dirt bikes.

Parker gave Justin a nod, gave his nephew a fist
bump, and then looked at me again. “Come here, wife, give me a kiss.” He
gestured to his helmet I had kissed for the last twenty-nine rounds.

Parker’s riding had changed since I first watched
him in Anaheim. Now he was more aggressive, predictable at times, but also more
humble. He was grateful for just being here. There were times his confidence
was shaky, being with a new team an all, but he was proving himself and doing a
damn good job at it.

During the race, I knew Parker’s neck was
bothering him and the arm pump was killing him, but he held on. He had a
terrible jump off the gate but made up for it in the whoops
 
wheeling through them on the back tire and
scrubbing jumps, two moves Parker “
Pitbull
” O’Neil
was notorious for.

It never failed that every time he raced, my
heart was in my throat, but that night it was a little more. Earlier that day I
had found out that I was pregnant, and I hadn’t told Parker yet. Now, watching
my husband sore thirty feet in the air was a little more than this sweaty
pregnant wife could handle and I threw up.