Everything She Needs (The Everything Trilogy) (8 page)

“Can I have a word in the sitting room, Jack?”

Jack’s eyes flicked to Alfie. “Sit down and stay here,” he barked at Alfie, and led me past him to the sitting room.

As I was passing, he made the smallest movement and brushed my hand as I was leaving the kitchen.  I glanced at him
, and he gave me a sad smile. There was nothing sinister in his movement other than the need to connect with me in some way.

Jack and I were barely in the sitting room, when he turned and closed the door. I didn’t move. “Are you serious, Lily? You’re going to give this guy airtime, again? After everything you told me?” I shrugged and put my hand up to brush away a single
tear that rolled down my face.

Jack bent forward and kissed my forehead. “
C’mere.” He hugged me and rubbed my arm, and I blinked rapidly, not wanting to give in to the overwhelming need to cry.  I couldn’t allow Alfie to see how much he was affecting me again.

“You know I am, Jack. That’s why you’re giving me the pep talk, right?” He smiled at me and shook his head, and I dropped my eyes to the floor.

“Damn, I should have moved on you years ago to protect you from fuckers like him.” I pulled his loose shirt tail.

“
Ack! That would have been like incest, Jack.”

He smirked at me
. “Yeah, but still, I hate that he’s had you and didn’t realize how fucking lucky he was.” I leaned forward and reached up, putting my arms around his neck.

“You’re too precious to me. Nothing will ever change our relationship
Jack, it goes way beyond sex.”

We agreed between us, Jack would stay at the house
, and Alfie and I would walk to the local pub.  I wanted somewhere that was safe for us to speak but where I wasn’t going to be placed in a position where he could play his mind games on me like he had in the past.

We left the house walking side by side. Jack was standing at the door, still not completely convinced that I would be okay.  I had agreed to ring his phone once if I needed him
, and he’d be with me within five minutes.

“Is he someone I need to worry about?”

I looked at Alfie incredulous, stunned that he thought he could comment on anyone I was with. “Why would you worry? I’m nothing to you, Alfie, but since you asked, Jack is extremely important to me. He’s probably the most important man in my life after my father.”

“Can I hold your hand?”

I shook my head and smiled, even though I didn’t feel like smiling. “No, Alfie, no hand holding today.” He bit his lip and nodded.

“Sorry.” He looked it too, probably for the first time since I’ve known him.  He really wasn’t in charge of his feelings. This was different, but I wasn’t sure how it was different.

The pub wasn’t busy.  It was late morning and as such, only a few hardened regulars were sitting at the bar.  I asked for a sparkling water, and Alfie ordered himself a large Jack Daniels and Coke.  We sat at a quiet table by the log fire. “You never told me that night that you were leaving,” he said softly, his eyes searched my face.

“Seriously, Alfie?
I never told you? I didn’t realize I should be telling you anything. I obviously don’t know the protocol for disclosing information to an ex- fuck buddy,” I hissed with my voice low, not wanting to draw attention to us.

“I’m sorry, Lily. I came to
apologize to you. I’m sorry I hurt you, I never wanted…oh God… I never wanted to hurt you.” He looked at me sincerely.

I twisted my glass around between my fingers, and Alfie stretched his fingers over and brushed my hand with his fingertips. “I didn’t mean for you
to fall in love with me, Lily.”

My eyes locked with his
, and his face was still serious. “I never wanted to fall in love with you Alfie. You warned me. You’ve not kept your side of the bargain either.” He told me we could call a halt on the arrangement at any time.

He held my gaze for the longest time and sat motionless. “I know.” He gave me a half smile, but I could see the hurt in his eyes too. “Can I explain something?  I wanted to talk to you. There is something you need to know. I need you to understand why I can’t love you.”

I placed both palms around my glass and rolled it back and forth, not sure that I wanted an explanation, but said, “How do you explain the stuff that you’ve done to me? How do you explain the women? How do you tell me you don’t want to be with me, yet introduce me as your girl and talk in the term ‘us’?”

Alfie focused on his thighs and began rubbing his hands up and down, rocking forward and back.  I think he was formulating what he wanted to tell me.
“The women?”  His eyes met mine. “I told you that I didn’t want them, they picked…”

I interjected, “
…you… but you picked me… yeah… I seem to remember that line.”

He swallowed. “Are you going to let me speak or do you want to go on filling in the blanks for yourself?” I nodded and gestured for him to continue
. I picked up my water and took a sip, before placing my glass back on the colorful beer mat advertising a brand of cider.

He exhaled. “I can’t love you, Lily. Not with the work I do.” I bunched my brows and searched his face.

“What do you mean?  You do the same as me.” Alfie closed his eyes slowly, and inhaled sharply.

“The women do pick me, Lily.
The music isn’t all I do. I’m a male escort as well.”

My jaw fell, like it had suddenly become unhinged. I gasped and giggled out of nervousness. “Seriously, you’re an escort?” It actually made sense to me now
; the women, all a little older, all very particularly dressed.  It fit with Alfie being extremely attentive and charming towards them.

I had worried that I wasn’t the only sexual relationship Alfie was in, but we had always used protection.  I heard myself more than consciously ask, “How many of them have you slept with?” Alfie shook his head and hi
s eyes locking with mine again.

“Not one, I have never been anything more than an attentive dinner companion or plus one at an event. It’s a condition they agree to before I commit to accompany them.”

I sat staring at him, wondering how to deal with this information. “Why did you start this between us?”  He smiled.

“Why wouldn’t I? Look at you, Lily. I was drawn to you from the moment I saw you. No one has
ever
had that effect on me.”

What was confusing
to me was
why
he had to be an escort.  His gigs probably covered his living expenses comfortably now.  I wasn’t sure about his college fees, though.  Not having parents and trying to make it through college must be tough.

I was really lucky that I would never have to worry about money or paying bills. “I guess Starbucks wouldn’t pay as much as escorting
,” I muttered.

Alfie chuckled. “Exactly, the money I need is more than I could get doing s
ome minimum wage, service work. I also needed something flexible with my music, especially now that the band’s popularity is growing, and we’re being offered more and more gigs. Maybe in another year we could be headlining around the state.”

“So you can’t love me, because I don’t fit in with your plan?” My hand was wet and cold, from the condensation of my glass, but he took it in his anyway.  He lifted it to his lips and brushed them very lightly back and forth, h
is eyes still locked with mine.

“Yeah, you deserve better than me
, and I can’t afford to be sidetracked from this,” he whispered, a small smile curving his lips. “It doesn’t mean I don’t want you, though, I want you more than I’ve ever wanted anything.”

I could understand the money situation, but couldn’t get past how this would make him behave the way he did towards me. “So, if you can’t be involved with me, why are you here? More importantly, how did you know where to find me? Wha
t else don’t I know about you?”

Alfie inhaled and rolled his head back, then settled his eyes firmly on mine again. “Okay, there’s more. What year do you think I’m in at college?
” I twisted my mouth not sure what he meant.

“
You’re a senior of course.” Alfie shook his head.

“Lily, I’m not a student, I’m not
in
college, I
attend
college.”

“Forgive me, Alfie, but you’ve lost me completely now. Are you or are you not a student at college?” Alfie shook his head as I stared at him. “You lied to me?” I felt really
shocked at his admission. Holly had made reference to that in jest before.

“
You’re not a student?”

“No, Lily, I’ve never lied to you. If you thought I was a student it
was because you assumed I was. I’ve never spoken to you about why I was there.”

I
realized that was true. “But…” He smiled.

“I asked you if you were
a music major. I never said I was.”

“So why do you hang around on campus all the time?” I was stunned that I
might have been involved intimately with someone and known even less about him than I thought.

“You know how you hated me ignoring you on campus?” I nodded. 

“You explained that.” He shook his head again and held my hand with both of his now.

“Actually, that was the
one
thing that I wasn’t exactly straight with you about.” I sighed, wondering what revelation I was about to hear now.

“I’m not
a student, Lily, I’m a mentor. I graduated two years ago summa cum laude. I mentor for extra money, but I have to sit in on some of the classes. You are my first breech of the rules. The university has a no fraternization policy. We could both be excluded if we were found out.”

I sat silent, too stunned by everything he had just told me to speak. I looked over at Alfie, who for the first time seemed very nervous about my reaction to what he had told me. “So everything has been lies and deception?
”

“If it helps you with
college, I can admit to the sexual relationship we had, but you weren’t fraternizing, because you didn’t know my position. I’m sorry, Lily, I couldn’t help myself with you.”

I pulled my hand back and set both of them on my lap. Tears threatened my eyes and I glanced up. His beautiful face was looking pleadingl
y at me.

“You make me want to scream, Alfie.” I was frustrated by the mixed messages he continued to throw at me.

Alfie grinned at my statement and raised his eyebrow.  “That statement can be taken both ways, you know.”

I smiled in spite of myself, even though I was feeling angry with him. “Lily, can I say this? When I saw you, I
had
to have you. I really didn’t think beyond that. All reasoning went out of the window with you, and that has
never
happened to me before.”

“So what does that mean?  Why are you continuing to chase me around when you don’t want a relationship? Do you know
what it’s like to be me? To know you have that kind of power over me?” He grasped my hand and laced his fingers in mine.

“I really, really want to spend time with you, Lily. I really want you. God
… I want you so much, it’s like I need you to breathe sometimes.” He looked uncomfortable confessing this to me.

“Do you know what it feels like for me, to see you right now, and not pull you close to me, hold you tight, bury my face in your neck
, and smell your amazing skin?”

My eyes bored holes into him
. “Yes, Alfie, I do know, I feel that way every time I see you. The difference between us is that I won’t use you for your body. I won’t take what you offer. I need it all. I can’t allow myself your body if your mind isn’t connecting with mine.

“You want a relationship, Lily? I’ll give you one, be your boyfriend, but you need to know that nothing will come of it, I can’t commit to loving you above all else.”

Alfie leaned forward, the table wobbling under the weight of his elbow as the table leg balanced against the uneven flagstone floor. His eyes showed a bit more fight in them now.

“What I can offer you is my time, when I can, above anything outside of my work. That’s the most I am able to give right now.
”

He stared seriously at me, his eyes showing concern. “If I hadn’t been honest with you from the start, what is there to say that we wouldn’t have been together all this time? I could have kept things close to my chest. I need you, Lily, I miss you. I didn’t expect to feel so drawn to you. I can’t function without seeing you.”

I knew that I was struggling.  All the while he was talking, I was drinking in his appearance, imagining what his touch felt like, wanting to touch him.  How it would feel to be in his arms again.

I was remembering how gentle he could be with me.  I missed him and wanted nothing more than to curl up on his lap and get lost in his mouth.  My gaze centred on it, and he licked his lips.

“Do you mind if I fill up?”  he asked, tapping the side of his glass with the silver ring on his thumb.  I shook my head.  He put his hand between his knees and pulled the small stool away between his legs as he stood up.