Everything You Want (14 page)

As soon as I sat down and lifted the fork
to my mouth, I heard him on the steps.  Heard his door open and
close.  A huge smile broke out over my face.  I couldn’t help
it.  I shoveled my food down, expecting him to knock on my door at any second. 
But by the end of the episode he still hadn’t come.  No big deal.  He
was just cleaning up or grading papers.  Something.

I watched another episode.  Then
another.  By the start of the fourth episode two big fat tears rolled down
my cheeks.  He wasn’t coming.  And I was sitting in my living room
crying about it like a twelve year old, which was so stupid.  He never
said he would come, but his absence hurt, especially since he was only about a
few feet the left, and yet he still chose to stay away.

I knew why he was avoiding me.  I
thought he’d had a breakthrough last night; I thought I’d cured him of his
commitment-phobia, but obviously I had not.  It was fine.  Those
kinds of things took time.

I stood up and wiped the tears
away.  I wasn’t going to act that way.  Not over a guy.  Even
one I was pretty sure I was in love with. 

I walked into the bathroom and turned the
faucet on in the tub, dumping a generous amount of vanilla sugar bubble bath in
with the running water.  I set the latest copy of
Us Weekly
on the
side of the tub and went to the bedroom to grab my iPod off the dresser. 
I stripped down, popped in my ear buds, and sank into the deliciously warm
water.  I turned up the volume to drown out the Radiohead in the next
apartment.  

If Kieran wanted me, he knew where I was.

An hour later the bathwater was cool and
the bubbles had dissolved and I was tired of listening to Adele.  I dried
off and threw on an old T-shirt, still feeling defeated despite my attempts to
perk myself up.

I dragged myself into the bedroom and
flipped the lamp on beside my bed.   I lifted Tulip up first and then
crawled beneath the sheets.  I had just washed them a few days before and
they smelled fresh which made me smile just a little. 

I lied down for two seconds and then sat
back up.  What was I doing?  I wasn’t even tired.  I was just
bored, and sad.  I looked over at the stack of books on my
nightstand.  Shayla had brought them to me during her last visit.  She
was always doing that, bringing me her old books, and I usually got through
them pretty quickly, but I hadn’t even cracked the spine on any of these three
yet.  I picked up the top one, resolving to read it until I felt sleep was
possible.

Halfway through the first chapter I heard
movement in the bedroom next door.  I tried to ignore it.  Yeah,
right.  I read the same sentence eight times before I slammed the book
shut.  How could he not come over?  How could he—

Knock, knock
.

I sat up a little straighter.

Knock, knock
.

What was he doing? 

Knock, knock
.

Was he trying to get my attention on
purpose?

Knock, knock.

Yes, he was.  My lips spread in a
slow smile.  He was thinking about me.

I knocked back twice.

He knocked once more, and then it was
silent.

My heart felt ten times lighter. 
He
was thinking about me
.

I turned out the light and instantly fell
asleep.

Kieran

It was two o’clock in the morning. 
I lied still in the middle of my bed, cringing every time I heard a sound from
the next apartment.  It took everything I had not to pull out the toolbox
I kept tucked away under my bed, grab the hammer, and beat down the thin wall
separating me from her.  Of course, I realized that I didn’t have to go to
such extremes.  I could just climb out of bed, walk the ten feet to her
door, and knock.  But to me, that seemed crazier than just ripping the
wall down.

I could have just gone over there after I
got home from work.  I should have.  She was waiting for me; I know
she was.  Or, I hoped she was.  But I was being an idiot,
again.  Why did I have to suck at life so bad?  Why couldn’t I just
be happy that I had found someone?  Someone kind.  Someone who made
my blood run hot every time she was near.  Someone who seemed to feel the
same way about me.  No, not me.  I found someone who made me feel
happier than I had in so long I couldn’t remember, and I ran scared in the
other direction.  Something was wrong with me, clearly.  I didn’t
want to be like that anymore.  I wanted her.  She was worth the risk.

The need to touch her was driving me
insane, and knowing she was so close wasn’t helping matters.  If I could
have a do-over, I would run to her door first thing after work.  I
wouldn’t volunteer to help Emery.  I definitely wouldn’t have told my
sister I was coming home this weekend.

Well, maybe that last one wasn’t
true.  Kiera had been so happy to hear from me.  I knew that she
needed me to be there.  I just didn’t want to be away from Marissa
anymore.  I couldn’t stand it for another second.

I threw the sheets off.  It was so
hot in my room.  Why was it so hot in there?  I started to turn over,
but stilled when I heard movement from the other side of the wall.

That was it.  I couldn’t take it
anymore.  I pulled on a pair of jeans that were crumpled up beside the bed
and walked straight out the door, completely aware that this was exactly what I
didn’t want to happen, this lack of control I felt whenever she was around, and
completely not caring.

The cool night air felt good against my
arms as I closed the small space between our doors.  I was wearing a short-sleeved
black t-shirt.  I hadn’t been outside without sleeves for so long. 
It occurred to me for half a second that I should turn around and change, cover
up, or she would see…but then I didn’t care.  I wanted her to see.

I knocked on the door and was instantly
greeted by a string of annoyed barks.  A minute or so later, Marissa
opened the door.  Her hair was thrown up in a messy, curly ponytail, and
she was wearing a ratty old t-shirt that had a giant hole in one sleeve and an
ancient pair of men’s plaid boxer shorts.  I stared at her as she stood
silently in the doorway, trying to blink the sleep out of her eyes.

She was so beautiful.

I smoothed a few errant blond waves away
from her cheek.  She smiled at me and yawned.  “Hi,” she said.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.  “I
shouldn’t be here right now.  Go back to sleep.”  I caressed her
cheek once more, and turned to leave.

“No,” she said, stopping me.  “It’s
fine.”

“Marissa, it’s late.  You’re tired.”

“No, I’m not,” she insisted, reaching out
and squeezing my hand, giving it a little pull.  “Come in.”

She didn’t have to ask me twice. 

“Where were you this afternoon?” she
asked, flipping on the kitchen lights.  Her dog was in the hallway,
staring at me like she wasn’t sure whether to be friendly or attack.  I
took it Marissa didn’t have a lot of late night visitors, which wasn’t a bad
thing as far as I concerned. 

“Go on, Tulip,” she said.  “Back to
bed.  Everything is okay.”

The cats were nowhere to be seen.  I
guess they didn’t care about having a late night guest.  I watched the dog
plod back into the bedroom and turned back to Marissa, who was staring at me
expectantly.  Then I remembered she’d asked me a question.

“Oh, yeah.  I was helping my friend tutor
some kids.”

“Oh.  That’s nice,” she said, but I
could hear the disappointment in her voice.  She had been expecting
me.  I had hurt her.  I felt like crap.

“I’m sorry.  I wanted to see you
tonight.  I’ve been thinking about you.  I just…”

She walked over to me, slipped her arms
around my waist, and pressed a soft kiss against my neck, setting off an
explosion in my stomach.  “It’s okay,” she said.

“This, whatever this is happening between
us, it’s just moving so fast—”

“I know,” she cut me off, running her
fingers through my hair and kissing my jaw.

I closed my eyes and inhaled deeply
through my nose.  My heart picked up the pace as she ran her fingers
gently down my bare arms, arms that hadn’t been touched in so very long. 
I couldn’t remember why I’d ever wanted to stay away from this girl. 

“We’ll take it slow,” she whispered
against my ear, letting her lips brush against my ear lobe lightly.

“We should, but I really don’t want to
when you do things like that.”

She laughed and kissed me again.

“And you said I was the dangerous
one.  You’re the dangerous one.  I should stay away from you,” I
said, not meaning it at all.

“I promise you, you shouldn’t.”  She
ran her hands up my arms slowly, sending a shiver up my spine.

“Look at me,” I whispered.  “I’m too
messed up.  You don’t want me.”

“Yes, I do.”  She bent down to kiss
my left arm and I pressed my lips together as I tried to hold back a gasp. 
Was she trying to kill me? 

“You should probably go now,” she
whispered, leaning away from me.

I pulled her back.  “I don’t think
so.”

“Okay, stay.”  She leaned back into
me and I bent down to kiss her, but she then she took a step back.  “Wait,
no.  You should go.”

“Hey, you started this.”

“Yes, and now I’m ending it.  The
slow thing was your idea.  I’m just agreeing with you.”

“It was a stupid idea.”

She shook her head and pointed at the
door.

“Fine.  But I think you’ve ruined
any chance of sleep I might have had.”

She laughed and gave me a gentle nudge
toward the door.

I gave her one last glance, taking everything
in, and left.

I fell asleep as soon as my head hit the
pillow.

Marissa

Have to go home for the weekend, for Kiera.  I’m
sorry.

My heart stung as I read the text from
Kieran, but I couldn’t be mad at him for it.  I typed out a quick message
and stuck my phone back in my desk.

I understand.

When I heard my phone buzz I opened my
top drawer again and peeked at the screen.

Still sucks, though.

I smiled as I wrote back.

Agreed.  But have fun with your sister. 
Don’t even think about me.

Two seconds later my phone buzzed again.

Impossible.

I bit back a smile and slipped the phone
back in the top drawer.  I was surprised when I heard it buzz two seconds later.

I’m crazy about you.

My heart expanded in my chest and it was
all I could do to hold back the squeal that was building up in my throat.

You’re sure you have to go…?

I already knew the answer, but it was worth
a try.

Yeah.  Can’t cancel on her right now.

I sighed and looked at the clock on my
computer screen.  It was one hour until close.  What was I going to
do with myself tonight?  There was no getting Kieran out of my head, that
was for sure.  I smiled to myself.  I’d dream about him all night.

The next day I found myself craving one
of those sandwiches from the café Kieran had taken me to.  Traffic was
surprisingly light and it didn’t take me any time to get there.  There was
no line so I walked right up to the counter and placed my order.  As soon
as I turned around I heard someone call out my name.

I looked around, wondering who around
here would know me.  Then I saw her.  Shannon’s girlfriend, Alisha,
was sitting by herself at a small table in the corner, waving me over. 
She had a huge smile on her face and her eyes were bright and welcoming, a
complete three-sixty from the last time I’d seen her.

The cashier handed me a paper sack and I
hesitated a moment before walking over to her.  Last weekend I was pretty
sure she hated me, but now she was acting like running into me was the best
thing that had ever happened to her.  She motioned for me to join her
again, so I sat my to-go sack on her table and pulled out the chair across from
her.

“Marissa!  How’s it going?”

“Good,” I said, still confused by her
dramatic mood swing.

“I’ve never seen you in here before. 
Do you come often?” she asked, taking a sip of her latte.

“No, this is just the second time.”

“Don’t you just love it?  I do.”

“Yeah, it’s great.”  I tapped my
foot on the ground, wondering how long I was going to be there.  I was
getting pretty hungry, and was tempted to rip the bag open and eat the sandwich
right then and there instead of waiting to get home.

She lifted the large mug to her lips
again and her eyes roamed over me, like she was checking me out.  I looked
away, fighting the urge to squirm in my seat.