Falcon Song: A love story (15 page)

Jason dramatically snapped on the gloves. “Anything for you, Mother.”

They talked as they cooked together side by side and though it didn’t feel like old times, it was still nice. His mother must have been thinking along the same lines he’d been, because she stared out the window blankly for a minute and said, “Do you remember that Thanksgiving before Kennen died? It was our whole family and Kate’s whole family, and we had that humongous turkey? That was a nice day. I wonder where she is today.”

Jason looked down at the turkey he was stuffing. He tried to swallow the lump that threatened to strangle him and he didn’t answer. Eventually, his mom turned away from the window, glanced over at him and back out the window toward the Birches and said, “I hope she comes home today. This has had to have been lonely for her. She was really a home kind of a girl. Laura told me she got a job traveling and has been living out of a hotel ever since she left.”

Still, Jason didn’t answer. He couldn’t. He didn’t know Kate had been traveling. She hated to travel. At least she hated traveling with the band. It broke his heart, but then again, it almost made him mad. Why would Kate take a job traveling? The answer hit him and he pushed more stuffing into the turkey with a sigh. For the same reason she’d left. She felt like she couldn’t come home. She’d had to go.

At first, he’d been hurt and then mad and then rebellious, and ticked off and every other frustrating thing he could feel, but then when that all dulled and it was just him and this soul deep emptiness, he finally understood she’d left because she loved him. If that hadn’t been true, she could have stayed right here next door to his parents and gone on with her life and never had to pull up those lifelong deep roots. But she couldn’t.

She was either afraid she would give in and come back to him, or she couldn’t face the memories and chance running in to him all the time. Or both. When he realized that, it at least gave him some measure of comfort. She loved him. He hoped she always would. That someday soon, she'd come back and be with him and they could get on with their lives and live happily ever after. Maybe she’d even come home today.

He’d quit working on the bird and was just thinking about her when his mother broke into his thoughts. “Jason, can I ask you a question?”

“Sure, go for it.”

“I’ve never pried to find out why she left. In fact, I truly don’t want to know, but honey, have you fixed whatever it is, yet? Whatever made her give up on you. Is it resolved so she could come back if she wanted too?”

“Mom, she left because she saw me at my hotel after a concert with a beer bottle in my hand and my arm around some girl. She just misunderstood. It wasn’t my beer, another guy had handed it to me to hold while he went to the door. And the girl meant nothing. If Kate had been reasonable enough to listen, I could have explained that. She left because she misinterpreted what she saw.”

His mother didn’t answer right away and when she did, her answer was thought provoking. She went back to the pie she was making as she said, “Hmm, that doesn’t sound like Kate. To end a lifelong relationship just because of one isolated incident. Here, put that turkey inside this bag and put it in this roaster, would you?”

“I hate it when you do that.”

His mother turned to look at him. “I thought you liked my turkey cooked in the bag.”

“No. I love your turkey. I hate it when you subtly and politely make me realize I’m a bone head. All this time, I’ve been trying to make myself believe she left because she misunderstood. And you gently steal my rationalization. Thanks a lot.”

“Well, Jason, if the girl you had your arm around meant nothing, why did you have your arm around her? Is it that physical touch means nothing? Or that honoring Kate and her feelings mean nothing? I’m not sure I understand. Why would you jeopardize forever if it was for nothing? And why is there beer at your hotel at all? If the roles had been reversed Jason, you’d have walked out too. Especially if it had happened a few times before.”

“She’d never seen me with my arm around a girl before. There you go again. And you’re right. Dang it.”

His mother made one of those mothering noises. “Of, course she’d seen you with your arm around another girl. She’s not blind. She does have to walk through the check out at the Piggly Wiggly from time to time.”

“You make me sound like some womanizer. I’m not that bad, am I?”

“Of course not, Jason. But Kate was far and away above the not that bad category. She’s in the best of the best category. And she had a right to expect that of her other half.”

Jason turned to her sadly. “You know, Mother, I was half joking about rationalizing. I do understand all of this. It’s not like I haven’t had a million hours to think about where I messed up. I’d grovel to her in a minute if she’d let me. Is there anyway we could change the subject?”

She came and patted his cheek. “Of course honey. I just miss her so much. I simply wanted to know if she could come home if she needed to. I’m hoping you’ve quit hugging girls who mean nothing. Do we want a green bean casserole this afternoon?”

“Not unless we’re having a lot of company. Who’s coming today?”

“No one. It’s just you and me and Daddy today. I tried to invite Laura and Orrin and Kiersten and her family, but they worried you’d feel uncomfortable.

He looked out the window again and paused before he said, “Maybe they were right. It would have been awkward to have to be so careful to skirt any mention of Kate. And honestly. I love them dearly. I do. But sometimes I hate them for not telling me where she is. They could have stood up for me when she made them promise. They know how much I love her. But they didn’t.”

“Jason, you know Kate. She would have just not told them and then she’d have been entirely alone. They had to humor her.”

“I know, Mom, but … Oh, let’s just let it go. Do you need anymore dried bread?”

By mutual consent, they stayed off the subject of Kate after that. When dinner was over, Jason and his dad helped clean up and put everything away and then the three of them watched a football game before they all three fell asleep after all that turkey.

In the early evening, Jason gave up all hope she’d show up. If she was going to come, she’d have been here by now. Thoroughly depressed, he kissed his mom and shook his dad’s hand and headed out. On the way to his car, he stopped in to Kate’s parents and wished them a happy Thanksgiving and then regretted it. They were obviously as sad about Kate not being there as he was.

That night, he sat up with his guitar until early in the morning thinking about her. He’d thought she’d come. He knew he’d let her down so badly, but he never dreamed that night in Lubbock she’d just leave and stay gone. If he had, he’d have stayed in the doorway of that elevator forever. He’d have never let her leave without him

Until tonight, he hadn’t realized how much he’d been hoping she’d come home today. He was just sure of it. Kate was a home body. Family was everything to her. Well, family and Jason. At least they had been.

For about the millionth time, he considered hiring a private investigator. She had to be somewhere. He had the money. Someone could find her. But then something would always make him decide against it. As much as he was so empty without her, he also didn’t want to force her into anything. If he stayed faithful, someday she’d figure it out and come back to him. She had to. He’d die without her.

When he was so tired he couldn’t see straight, he put his guitar back on its stand, went in to his bed and knelt to ask God to keep her safe and bring her home soon. They were the only things that kept him sane. God and his guitar.

Chapter 15

She’d known when he talked about plan B and dying alone that she would agree to John’s proposal, but felt like praying about it over night had been a wise idea. It was strange how marriage had gone from her greatest dream in life, to something that didn’t really matter, either way. Although she’d come to like and respect John, marriage had been boiled down to a business arrangement. She already knew she’d probably never marry someone other than Jason, because it would be wrong when she was in love still. But John’s arguments held a lot of water. She could help him and help her son at the same time.

When that feeling hadn’t changed in the morning, she drove back to John’s house and knocked on the door. He met her with a smile and welcomed her in and they discussed the details and arranged to go to the county courthouse the next day and get it taken care of. With the arrangements made, she got back into her car and went back to the hotel to get ready to go to work.

When an Aerie song came on as she drove, she reached to turn the radio off, wiped the tears from her cheeks with the back of her hand and resolutely sat up straighter as she drove. So it wasn’t what she’d always dreamed of. Under the circumstances, she should be grateful she was warm, and safe and watched over. And if John was as ill as he believed himself to be, the only thing in her life that would be different in a short while would be that she’d have a different last name and hopefully enough of a marriage behind her that someday Jason and his parents wouldn’t compute that Kate’s child was Jason’s.

That night, she told her family about her impending marriage. Her mother cried on the phone and her dad was closed mouthed, but Kiersten raised enough of a ruckus for both of them. She was completely outraged and kept reminding Kate that she was in love with Jason and that it would be wrong to marry another man. She was only slightly mollified when she heard the whole story and insisted she do a background check on John as she and Kate were talking.

Kate wasn’t sure what she found, but whatever it was seemed to sooth her worries a bit, because she’d mellowed considerably by the time they hung up, although the last thing she said was, “Kate, Jason still asks about you every few days. Please don’t mess up your life with this guy. I always hope and pray that someday y’all and Jason can figure things out. You were so good for each other. And were the best friends I’ve ever seen. Don’t give up forever.”

Kate got off the phone and lay awake for hours, trying not to think about the things Kiersten had said. Crying herself to sleep always gave her a headache.

She kept trying to remind herself that she hadn’t gone because Jason didn’t love her. She’d known all along he loved her. It was just that he didn’t love only her and had slowly changed so much from the man she’d known who shared her values.

Mark and his wife came by to witness their marriage and then John helped her bring her things from the hotel and put them in one of his guest suites and gave her a set of keys and a garage door opener. Then John had to go back to San Antonio to some meetings and Kate went back to the restaurant in Austin. She was all but finished with this one and put in an application at the other one, to be getting started while she finished up.

That first night at John’s house, he met her in the back entry as she came through from the garage and they small talked for a few minutes and then Kate went off to bed and John went back to the basketball game he’d been watching on TV. Her wedding night was as simple as that and for some reason that was incredibly troubling. She fell asleep that night trying not to be emotional about her marriage being so opposite of what she’d always dreamed. She tried to remind herself she should just be glad she was safe and comfortable. A lot of girls in her situation were struggling just for the basics.

The next morning they met in the home office with Mark again and began to plan the details of what Kate’s responsibilities would be with the restaurants and John’s trust as time went on and then John caught a plane to Tulsa while Kate went in for her last day at the restaurant she had been tuning up. That night, John was still gone and Kate set up a small office of her own in another spare bedroom and went to her weekly prenatal class again.

She was hired within two days at the second Austin restaurant and at that one she was able to get into the business office again to work on the books part of the time, although in the kitchen she was being asked to begin as a busser. It didn’t take long to discover there was a problem with the numbers again and Kate wondered why even though the two restaurants were mere blocks from each other, they used different suppliers and one’s costs far out weighed the other.

She tried to befriend the manager, but he was having nothing to do with her short of the most meager dealings required to instruct her, which was minimal because she was under another supervisor. This restaurant might prove to be the biggest challenge of all just because of the manager’s superior attitude.

John came home and they began to settle in to some semblance of married life. He made her breakfast and left it warming for her and she tossed his exercise clothes into the washing machine with hers and then folded them and took them up to his room. If she wasn’t working in the evenings, she sometimes brought a book into the room where he was and would read while he did too or watched TV.

They still had their meetings and responsibilities, the same as before, but John also had her go back to the restaurants she’d worked with earlier from time to time to check on things on days she had off. Often he went one way on a plane and she went the other in her car, but they seemed to have established a working marriage relationship with relatively little conflict.

She still went to her childbirth class alone. In fact, she didn’t even mention to John she was taking it, and she knew he was still going to a number of doctor appointments on his own as well. They both seemed comfortable in living and working beside each other and still keeping their private lives somewhat private.

It was three weeks into her new “job” that she was finally able to start to uncover the questionable purchasing at the second Austin restaurant. With some digging, she was able to determine the main wholesale food supply company the manager used was owned by a series of corporations that were ultimately owned by his brother in law. Kate assumed that the company could charge whatever it wanted and the manager was kicked back a portion of the exorbitant profits.

She talked it over with John to determine if there were any charges that could be filed, but he didn’t think there were and so they went on to fire the manager and begin the process of tuning up what remained. The day that John revealed to the employees she was working for him, was the first time Kate ever saw him struggling with a headache.

The whole time he was meeting with the staff, he seemed to be less amiable than usual and then when they were done and headed home, he asked Kate if she would mind driving. He got into the passenger seat and tossed back a white tablet with a diet Coke and then reclined his seat and closed his eyes with a grimace.

He was obviously in so much pain by the time they got home that Kate had to help him out of the car and into the house. Once there, he took another pain pill and then took an ice pack and went to his room to try to relax where it was dark and quiet. Kate went back to the kitchen to eat dinner alone and worry about how feeble he had seemed to become in just a few hours this afternoon compared to how robust he’d seemed this morning. He may have been right about losing this battle much faster than he had expected.

Although not life threatening, Kate was beginning to deal with some physical issues of her own. Her tummy had begun to feel humongous and she could no longer lift things and bend and move around like she was used to. Not only that, but she struggled to sleep comfortably and for the first time in her existence, she experienced heartburn. She’d never been so miserable in her life.

John was always careful to keep their relationship casual and comfortable, but he also came home one day with a big, new Mercedes Benz sedan for her so she would have a little more room and better safety than her Dodge Intrepid for her and the baby. They had a bit of a discussion about the luxury car and finally settled on giving it to her for Christmas not quite two weeks away, but John would still own it and she would sell her car for now. She buckled the seatbelt around her huge tummy that day on the way to work and was grateful John was so considerate.

On one of the last days Kate was going to be working at the second Austin restaurant, she was sitting in the manager’s office, going over the payroll records and wondering why she was having such a hard time keeping her mind off of Jason this morning. She could swear she could almost smell his after shave today.

She was still sitting there trying to focus when one of the female servers came rushing back into the kitchen in almost heart failure and several of the other staff gathered around her to see what was going on. Kate was just going to go out and see about it and get them all back on task, when she heard why the girl was breathless after all. The waitress almost squealed, “Do you know who is out there? Jason Falcon and some of his band! Right here in our own dining room! I wonder if he would sign the new CD I just bought.”

She continued on, but Kate heard none of it. It took everything Kate had to continue to breathe and walk calmly back to the office and shut the door. Oh, how she wanted to go and look out that window. Just once. Just long enough to see how he was doing with her own eyes. But she couldn’t. She knew it would be a mistake and a risk he would see her and realize she was pregnant, not to mention make her miserably lonely again. It was already all she could do to make it through the days without him and it had been more than six months. She put a hand on her tummy and looked down at the baby she was carrying and wiped at her tired eyes and went back to her desk as she whispered, “C’mon baby Falcon; we’ve got work to do so we can get out to Amarillo on Friday.”  

Entirely unable to focus, as good as her intentions were, Kate glanced up at the window to the parking lot every few minutes and when she finally saw him and a few guys go back out across the way there, she couldn’t help herself and turned her chair to watch. He still had that something about him that spoke of confidence and understated power. And even from this distance as he paused once and looked all around, he was still as handsome and striking as ever.

She saw them pile into a couple of cars and drive away and she sighed a long, shaky sigh and picked up her pen. She had a whole new life now. Her days with Jason were over and she knew it. After all, it was her doing. It was just hard to control the memories sometimes.

Nights were the worst. No matter how tired she was when she finally laid down; there was inevitably a period of wondering what he was up to and if he was okay. She still prayed for him several times a day, just like she did for her family and baby and now John, and now that the advancing pregnancy made resting peacefully impossible, she prayed for him during the night as well when she woke up with him on her mind. Sometimes she would dream they were still together and he was still the same Jason she’d grown up with and for just a second when she woke up there would be this happy, easy peace like she’d felt when he used to hug her close. It was heaven and she hated to have to finish waking to reality.

                                          ***

Aerie played a concert down in Austin and then had another one in Corpus Christy the next day and they drove from city to city rather than fly for such a short trip. For some reason, Kate had been on his mind more than ever this trip and it was uncanny enough that he almost wondered if there was a reason for it. He hoped everything was all right with her.

They pulled away from their hotel late in the morning and then stopped at a restaurant on the south end of Austin that had come highly recommended for lunch. There, the thoughts of Kate became even more pervasive and he had to almost wonder if she was around somewhere. Throughout the meal he kept looking around and even Cody noticed and asked him what was wrong. Jason just shook his head. If he told Cody he could smell Kate’s perfume and that she was haunting him today, Cody would just nod and give him that look of pity he did anymore now that Cody no longer believed Jason would ever get her back.

But he himself had never given up hope. He never would. It didn’t matter how long it took. It wasn’t like he would ever start over with someone new, no matter how long she was gone. His was a devotion for life. He’d come to realize that more surely than ever. It was too bad Kate hadn’t waited, because Jason had done just what she’d always needed him to do. Gotten used to all the glitz and knew without a doubt Kate was indeed his only flavor.

On the way back to the car, he couldn’t shake the feeling she was nearby. It was almost as if he could feel her spirit. That she really was haunting him. In a way, it was almost freaking him out a little. He paused and looked around before finally climbing into the rental car with a sigh.
Kate, wherever you are, I still love you forever.

                                          ***

With Austin wrapped up, Kate began to pack for the all day drive to Amarillo. John had started to recommend she take a week or two off for the holidays, but she knew if she had that much time on her hands, she’d climb the walls missing Jason. John must have understood, because he left it up to her to make her decisions.