Falling From Disgrace (12 page)

“Fuck,” he grunted through clenched teeth, “I’m not wearing a condom.”  He pulled out of Adrianna just in time, cursing himself for being so fucking stupid, but then Adrianna gripped his cock in her fist, her hand gliding up and down easily.  Jack covered her hand with his own and increased the pace and pressure until he came, white bursts of his semen covering her stomach and hips.  

“Fuck, fuck, fuck,” he swore, dropping down beside Adrianna on the bed, panting into the pillow.  “I’m so fucking sorry.”

Adrianna found her t-shirt and used it to clean herself off.  “What are you sorry for?”

“The condom,” he panted.  “I know I pulled out but isn’t there still a chance you could... ya know?”

“Relax,” Adrianna said, reclining on her side to face him and stroking his jaw to alleviate his worry.  “I get the Depo shot every three months, I think we’re okay.”

Jack sighed in relief.  “You sure?”

“Yes,” Adrianna laughed.   There were other things to worry about when it came to unprotected sex but her doctor’s office had called saying her blood tests had come back fine and Jack would have told her if he was anything but healthy.

“So we can stop using condoms altogether?” Jack asked hopefully.

“If that’s what you want,” Adrianna told him.  “The shot is like ninety-nine percent effective and I make sure I get it every twelve weeks.”

“Thank God.  I hate using condoms,” Jack admitted.

“What is it with guys and condoms?  It can’t make that big a difference.”

Jack shrugged and turned over on his back, pulling Adrianna into the crook of his arm.  “Do you like it when I give you a massage?”

“Of course.”

“Would you enjoy it as much if you were wearing a raincoat?”

Adrianna chuckled.  “Point made.”

A twinge in her back made Adrianna stiffen and she shifted uncomfortably in Jack’s arms. 

“Scale of one to ten, how bad is the pain?” Jack asked.

“Five.  Maybe six.”

“Come on,” he said, moving to get out of the bed.  “We’re gonna go for a walk.”

A
fter showering, Jack and Adrianna moved hand in hand down the streets of Chicago, weaving in and out of the sidewalk traffic.  It was midmorning on a weekday and so there weren’t many people out on that cloudy June day.  The weather was warm, but not stifling, and Adrianna enjoyed being out after spending the last four days cooped up Jack’s apartment.                    

“Exercise is one of the best ways to work through pain,” Jack told her as they crossed to Grand Avenue heading towards the Navy Pier.  “I know a personal trainer who works at a gym not far from you.  He specializes in working with people recovering from injuries.  I think it would be a good idea if you went to see him.”

Adrianna stopped at a bench looking out at Lake Michigan and stretched.  It did feel good to be out walking.

“I’ll do that,” she said and then took a seat.  Jack sat beside her.  “There’s a lot I need to figure now.”

“Not to sound like a clichéd asshole,” Jack laughed, “but just take it one day at a time.  There’s no rush for you to start making major changes.”

“I know, but I need to get a job or something.  Idle hands are the devil’s tools.  How’s that for clichéd?”

“What about going back to school?  You said you wanted to be a pediatrician and it’s not too late.”  Jack took Adrianna’s hand in his and stroked her knuckles.  Jack was always finding a way to touch her and she loved him all the more for it.

“I don’t know,” she said shaking her head.  “I’d have to take the MCATs again and apply to med schools.  It’s a lot work and I don’t know if I’m cut out for it now.”

“Did the last four days not prove anything to you?  You can do anything you want if you put your mind to it.”  Adrianna rolled her eyes.  “That was the last cliché, I promise.”

“I guess I’ll see.  I need to go see my parents, too.  I’ve been so awful, lying to them and not visiting.  They think I already have a job.”  Adrianna scoffed and took a deep breath before continuing.  “I’ve lied to you, too, Jack.”  She let him put his arm around her and she leaned into him.  “Those times I said I couldn’t see you because I was out with friends?  Those were just excuses when I was having bad days.  I don’t have any friends.”

Jack squeezed her more closely to him and told her it was okay. 

“I mean, I have acquaintances I run into when I go out and there’s Heather across the hall but....” she trailed off, figuring Jack got the idea.

“You have me,” he breathed into her hair before placing a kiss there.

They sat in a comfortable silence for a while, staring out at the lake, the water calm and blue.  Spotting a boat in the distance, Adrianna became nostalgic for her crew team.

“I miss rowing,” she mumbled, absentmindedly, to the water.

“So you did row?” Jack asked, remembering the original excuse she gave him about the scar on her back.

“I did.  I used to love it.”

Jack wrapped a hand around the bicep of her left arm.  “I would imagine you used to have pretty big guns back in college.”

“Nope.  With rowing it’s more about the strength in your legs,” Adrianna informed, sticking her leg out and flexing her foot.  Though she hadn’t rowed in years, she still had strong muscles in her calves and thighs.

“You have great legs,” Jack praised, grazing his eyes down to admire them.  “I love them almost as much as your lips.”  Adrianna smiled as he tilted her head to kiss said lips.

“Well,” she told him, “you’re going to have to do without these legs and lips for a few days.  I think I’m going to go out to my parents’ this weekend.”

“Would you like me to come with you?” Jack asked her.

“I would love for you to meet my parents, but no, Jack,” she said.  “You’ve just given up four days of your life for me, I am not asking for any more.”

“Stop,” Jack admonished.  “You didn’t ask, I offered.  It’s not a big deal.”

“Thank you, but no.  I need to do some things on my own.  This is one of them.”

Jack nodded in understanding.  He respected the hell out of her for wanting to take the steps alone, too. 

Adrianna’s cell phone rang and she frowned at the screen when she saw who was calling her again.

“Who is it?” Jack asked.

“The telemarketer.”

“Now’s as good a time as any to see what he wants, Ade.” 

Nodding, Adrianna answered the call.

“Adrianna?" Jason said.  "Please, don’t hang up.”

Chapter 9

T
he following evening Adrianna sat inside a Starbucks, nervously tapping her fingers against the cup holding her iced chai latte.  Jason, whom she was surprised to find out was also living in the city, had begged her to meet with him to talk.  Reluctantly, and with Jack’s encouragement, she had agreed.  After spending the day prior together, Adrianna had insisted Jack go check on his bar, which he agreed to do only if she would stay at his apartment one more night.  That morning, Adrianna returned to her own apartment, nervous about the fact that she was going to be alone for the first time since stopping the Vicodin.  Nevertheless, she assured Jack she was fine, and promised to call him if she needed anything. 

After that she called her mother who was ecstatic when Adrianna told her she would be coming home the next day.  Her mother practically cried and then promised to pick her up from the train station Friday evening.  For the rest of the day, Adrianna did her best to keep busy and fretted over her meeting with Jason. 

She recognized him as soon as he walked in the door at exactly six fifteen on the dot.  Rachel used to tease him about his punctuality.  Jason looked exactly the same, his six foot frame still slim, and his dirty, blonde hair still cropped short.  Adrianna used to say that Jason and Rachel were like life-sized Ken and Barbie dolls.  They would have made beautiful babies.

Jason scanned the shop and when he found Adrianna he smiled tightly while making his way towards her.  Adrianna’s heart pounded frantically while clenching at the same time.  Seeing Jason reminded her so much of Rachel and for a second she imagined him meeting the both of them there.  He would have gone straight to Rachel for a kiss and then would have asked the both of them what they wanted to drink.  Jason was always such a gentleman.

“Adrianna,” he greeted with a nod.  “I’m going to get a coffee, can I get you anything?”

Adrianna gestured to the drink in front of her.  “I’m fine, thanks.”

When Jason returned with his order he sat across from her.  She took in the dark suit he was wearing and asked, “Are you just coming from work?”

He nodded.  “I’m with an accounting firm in the Hancock building.”

“That’s nice.”   They sat awkwardly staring at one another and Adrianna grew restless.  “So why did you ask me to meet with you, Jason?”

Jason cleared his throat and took a sip of his coffee before answering.  “I need to apologize to you, Ade.”

Adrianna tried to swallow around the lump in her throat that wouldn’t go down.  Wide-eyed, she took a sip of her chai and just stared at Jason, unsure of what to say.

“When you came to see me after you got out of the hospital I said things I never should have said to you,” he continued.  “They were horrible, hurtful things and I’ve spent the last four years feeling awful about it.  Rachel-” he paused for a beat, “would have been appalled at what I said.  I need you to know that I am so sorry, Ade, and I want to know if you can forgive me.”

Adrianna hadn’t realized she was holding her breath and now her lungs began to burn.  She inhaled sharply and blinked back tears.

“You didn’t say anything I didn’t already know,” she whispered.

Jason shook his head and closed his eyes.  “No.  I was wrong.  You weren’t responsible for Rachel’s death.  No one, including myself thinks you were.” 

“Why now, Jason?  What made you contact me after all this time?”

Jason rested his elbows on the table and cracked his knuckles, something he used to do that drove Rachel crazy.  Adrianna stifled a smirk.

“I’m getting married,” he said and Adrianna felt a twinge of betrayal for her friend.  “Her name is Alexis and she’s great, I think you’d really like her.  She’s funny like Rae was and just as beautiful.  Anyhow, Alexis had a younger sister, Danielle, who died fifteen years ago, in a car accident like Rachel.  Their mother was going to the store when she realized she had forgotten her wallet.  On their way back to the house they were hit by a woman who ran a stop sign.  Alexis’ sister was killed instantly.  She was eight.”

Adrianna brushed at her cheek when she felt an errant tear had escaped. 

“Her mother was so wracked with guilt, she committed suicide two years later.  When Alexis told me that story, Ade, all I could think about was what I said to you and I’ve been so sick over it.  Please know that what I said was only out of pain and that I didn’t mean any of it.”

Jason handed Adrianna his handkerchief when he saw her tears were falling freely now. 

Dabbing at her eyes, Adrianna quietly sobbed, “For four years I’ve lived every day with the guilt of Rachel’s death, Jason, and thinking you blamed me, too, made it even harder.”

Jason closed his eyes again, looking pained.  “I am so sorry,” he repeated.  “I should have tried to contact you years ago but I was a coward.  But please know, Ade, you aren’t responsible for Rachel’s death anymore than Alexis’ mother was responsible for Danielle’s.  I hope you can believe that.”

Adrianna tried to get a hold of herself, for she was starting to attract the attention of others.  Still, no matter how embarrassed she was, her heartache was too great to allow any composure.  To hell with everyone, let them stare, she thought, and continued to cry into Jason’s handkerchief.

“Do you honestly think Rachel would want you living with this guilt?” Jason asked softly, only causing her tears to fall harder.

He was right though.  Adrianna could practically hear Rachel tsking in her ear saying, “Would you cut it out, Ade?  Listen to him, pumpkin, he’s right!”

Adrianna allowed herself a few more seconds to grieve and then she pulled herself together.

“Do you forgive me, Jason?” she trembled.

“There’s nothing for me to forgive,” he stated.

“Humor me,” she insisted.  “Even if you don’t blame me, even if you never really did, just let me hear it.”

“I forgive you, Adrianna.”

In his words, Adrianna heard her best friend and she felt a tremendous weight lift from her shoulders.

“Thank you.  I forgive you, too.”

They spoke for a little while longer and then Jason took Adrianna’s email address, making her promise that they would get together again soon.  He wanted her to meet Alexis, and while she wasn’t sure she was ready for that, she agreed.  He also told her he wanted to invite her to their wedding. 

They finished their drinks and before parting, Jason hugged Adrianna goodbye.  With tears in his eyes he told her, “I still miss her.”

“I do, too,” Adrianna choked back.  “Every single day.”

Adrianna didn’t want to go back to her apartment after that.  She was afraid to be alone and thought she might end up craving a pill.  Instead, she walked to Loki’s, wanting to see Jack, if only for a minute, to get a hug from him.  It had only been about nine hours since she last saw him but she missed him.

Even though the bar was slammed that Thursday night, Jack’s thoughts were on Adrianna.  He worried about her and wondered how her meeting with Jason was going.  She had promised to call him when she got home and checking his phone again, he didn’t see any missed calls.  Imagine his surprise and relief when he returned from the kitchen with a bucket of ice to see her walk through the door.

Passing the bucket to Joe, he told him, “I’ll be back in five,” and moved out from behind the bar.  As he walked towards Adrianna he saw that she looked a little sad and maybe had been crying.  When he reached her she just wrapped her arms around his waist and held him tightly, burying her face in his chest.  The music and voices made it impossible to talk so he took her hand and led her down the hall, passed the bathrooms, and into his small office.  There, he was finally able to give Adrianna what she needed.  She sighed when he pulled her into his arms.

“Are you okay?” he asked.

“I’m okay,” she stated.  Pulling her head from his chest she looked up into those blue eyes she loved.  “I know you’re busy, I just wanted to see you for a minute.”

“How did it go?”

“It went well, I guess.  I’ll tell you all about it later; I need to let you get back to work.”

Jack took Adrianna’s face in his hands and frowned.  “It’s fine, Ade, you aren’t keeping me from anything.  You need me, I’m here.”

Adrianna leaned up for a kiss and told him not to worry.  “I just wanted a quick hug from you, that’s all.  I’m fine, really.”

“Well in that case,” Jack said and pulled her close to him once again.  Squeezing her tightly, he lifted her off the ground and she wound her arms around his neck.  “Let me give you something that will hold you over until I get off.”

Laughing, Adrianna let Jack hug her for a full minute before he set her down again. 

“I’ll give you my key and you can go wait upstairs.  I’ll be home in a little while.”

“No,” Adrianna said.  She knew Jack was worried about her spending a night alone and he wanted to be there for her in case she woke up during the night.  “I’ll be fine and I need to pack for this weekend anyway.”

“Then I’ll come to you,” Jack insisted. 

“You really don’t have to do this for me,” Adrianna said.  She smoothed her hand over his black bar t-shirt and then pushed a lock of his hair from his forehead.  “I’ll be okay.”

“It’s not for you, it’s for me,” Jack insisted.  “I’ll lay in bed awake all night thinking about you and I won’t get any sleep.  Besides, you’re going away for three days tomorrow.  Let me spend as much time with you as I can until then.”  He actually stuck out his bottom lip and pouted, making Adrianna laugh and turning her on at the same time. 

“Fine, Harry,” she relented and he rewarded her with loud kisses to her neck.

“Thank you, Sally.”