Feeling This (29 page)

Jordan

When I found Kimber in the room with her
mom, she seemed so small and helpless. It cemented in my mind that I made the
right decision to come here. Her mom is definitely nothing like I’ve ever
experienced before but I’m willing to do anything for Kimber. I don’t want her
to feel pain, ever again.

I was a little apprehensive about professing
my feelings to her. I knew she was vulnerable at this point. She is still
wearing the same clothes from last night so I know she hasn’t even had a chance
to go home yet. I took advantage anyway. It was hard to hold back seeing her
hurt so much and the brief resentment for me surface. I had to make sure she
clearly knew my intentions. The fact that I told her that I am falling in love
with her, made its way from my lips on its own, but it felt so right.

When the nurse scuttled down the hall to
check on Ms. Maguire, we followed her in to be greeted with non-stop ranting.
She chastised Kimber again and implied things about my presence there. I wanted
so badly to defend Kimber and tell her where she could go but that wasn’t even
an option, so I smiled the whole time letting Kimber do what she does. She
handled her so well. I was amazed at her strength.

After meeting with the doctor to find out
when her mom can leave, I was able to talk Kimber into going home to get
cleaned up and sleep a little. The only way she would leave was if I would stay
here with her mom. I agreed that I wouldn’t leave. I think she is afraid her
mom will wake up to no one. The fear that crossed her face when I made the
suggestion convinced me that being alone is something that causes her anxiety.

Now I sit in the lone chair beside her
mom’s bed as she sleeps. This reminds me of my own mom. I’ve never had the
burden of taking care of any of my family members. They’ve always made sure my
sister and I always had everything we needed. In return I’ve pretty much
treated them the same way Kimber’s mom treats her, not appreciative and
ungrateful.  Getting this tiny glimpse of Kimber’s life makes me love her even
more deeply and want to take care of her.

The blanket in front of me starts to stir.
Her mom rolls to her back and blinks momentarily while breathing deeply. She
must sense my presence because she turns her head looking at me, it seems
without seeing me, her eyes look empty. I perch on the edge of the chair ready
to stand if I need to.

Finally, she blinks again and the same stormy
color as Kimber’s eyes acknowledge me, “Who are you? Where is that girl? I need
a cigarette.”

I slowly stand, telling her, “I’ll go and
get a nurse to see if that will be okay.”

She continues staring not saying anything.
Either the medication they have her on has made her disoriented or she has
turned over a new leaf. I think it’s the medicine, what I saw earlier can’t be
quelled that quickly.

I rush out to the nurses’ station down the
hall and ask, “Um, Ms. Maguire needs to smoke a cigarette. Can I take her
outside?”

One of the nurses, a thin woman with a
short grey bob turns as her eyebrows go up in surprise, “Do you really want to
attempt that? You seem like such a nice young man, she is extremely difficult.”

I chuckle, “I know but she needs this or I
think she’ll cause even more trouble.”

She nods agreeing with me and grabs a wheel
chair at the end of the hall pushing it to the room. When we enter, Ms. Maguire
starts ranting, “Well that took long enough. Good for nothing…”

The nurse interrupts her, “Hello Ms.
Maguire. You might be a little bit thankful for the help you’re getting . Not
everyone has someone like your daughter to take care of them.”

She looks blankly at the nurse and diverts
her attention to me, “And what is your name again? Where is Kimber? Did she
leave me?” Her voice comes out strangled at the last word. I think being left
is a fear for Kimber and her mom.

“Ms. Maguire, Kimber will be right back. I
made her go home and get some fresh clothes. My name is Jordan, I’m Kimber’s
friend, remember?”

“I ain’t stupid.”

I help the nurse lift her into the wheel
chair. She gives me instructions about elevators and floors. The smoking area
is on the ground level out the side doors of the hospital. We begin our trek
down the hall to the elevators. When the doors slowly close causing the car to
descend, she turns slightly in her chair wincing. I move more in line with her
vision. She eyes me suspiciously and states, “You ain’t here cause yer just
fucking her?”

I shake my head uncomfortable with her
choice of words. She waits but I don’t give any other information. She turns
forward, seeming satisfied for the moment with my lack of an answer. The doors
ping open and we make our way down the hall to the side doors. As soon as we
are surrounded by the heat outside, she lights up pulling deeply on her fix. I
find a bench and push her over; locking the wheels once it’s situated next to
the bench. I sink down, placing my elbows on my knees, staring at the ground.
We are the only people here for the moment. The silence spreads for about ten
minutes. Finally, she whispers so quietly I have to look up to make sure she is
talking.

“Kimber is my baby. She shouldn’t have to take
care of me. I’m supposed to be taking care of her or at least her coward of a
sister should.”

I sit up leaning against the bench and
stare at her, waiting for her to say more.

“She wanted to go away to college and be
somthin’. I don’t think she even really had any idea what, I got sick so early.
She didn’t get the chance. Now she’s stuck, but she’s all I have.
We
are
all we both have. ‘cept that little tramp who lives ‘cross town in that
ridiculous mansion.”

I smirk at her mention of Heidi. She’s obviously
not an approved friend. I lean in and tell her, “Ms. Maguire, Kimber is a
wonderful woman. She is strong and beautiful. I admire her for all she has done
for you and I can tell that you do too.”

She nods looking at her hands folded in her
lap. She takes the opportunity to light up another cigarette. Through the smoke
she glares at me and asks, “What do you want with my Kimber?”

I smile at her possessiveness and confess,
“Ms. Maguire, I’ve fallen in love with your daughter. I agree with you and I
think it’s time she had someone to take care of her. I want to be the one to
take on that task.”

She takes another drag, her eyes widening
looking me up and down. She asks, “What makes you worthy of my daughter, Jordan?”

I look away because I wasn’t expecting this
question. What
does
make me worthy? I’m not whole and I don’t know that
I ever will be. I look back over at her gaze. She is squinting at me, waiting
patiently.

“I’m not Ms. Maguire. I don’t know that
anyone is worthy of Kimber, but I want to try and prove to her that I care
enough. I may not be your first choice but will you give me a chance?”

This is the second time since I’ve been
here that I have asked to be given a chance to prove myself. I have a purpose
again and it feels so right. She nods at me. I think this is her way of not
really making any commitments but I’ll take it. If I can convince her mom, then
maybe she can be swayed as well.

When I push her into her hospital room, we
find Kimber sleeping in the chair. The nurse comes in and helps me get her mom
into the bed. She looks over at Kimber with fear in her face before addressing
the nurse, “Can’t I get just a little touch of a drink, just a little?”

The nurse frowns reprimanding her, “Now Ms.
Maguire, you know that is not allowed. I think your doctor needs to talk to you
about quitting.”

This is the last thing she should have said
because Ms. Maguire’s voice raises and she yells.

 ”I ain’t seein’ no doctor fer drinkin’. I
ain’t got a problem.”

Kimber stirs in the chair and looks up,
alarm painted across her face. I step toward her and grab her hand kneeling
down, ‘Don’t worry, it’s okay. The nurse just said something your mom didn’t
agree with.”

The nurse huffs at Ms. Maguire and storms
out of the room. Kimber rises and settles on the bed next to her mom. She grabs
her hand and tells her, “Momma, you gotta calm down or they’re gonna kick us
outta here. You can’t go home for another day yet.”

She pleads, grabbing Kimber’s hand in both
of hers, “C’mon Kimber, I really need just a sip.”

“I can’t Momma. It’s best this way.”

She drops Kimber’s hand as if it is
diseased and hisses, “Well, you just don’t care about me.”

She crosses her arms across her chest.
Kimber takes a deep breath and gets up. Her eyes meet mine and I can see how
tired she is. I move closer to the bed and grab the remote control for the
television. I place it in Ms. Maguire’s hand and ask, “Do you think I can take
Kimber home so she can get some sleep? I promise we’ll be right back in the
morning.”

I check my watch and see that it’s already
eight o’clock.

“We’ll be here at eight in the morning.”

She reaches out and pats my cheek smiling.
“Okay Jordan, you go take care of my girl, I’ll see you two at eight.”

I step back to see Kimber staring at me
with a puzzled expression. She turns to her mom and asks, “Momma, are you sure?
I can stay here if you want me to.”

“Kimber Maguire, you go with this nice boy
and make sure he feeds you. You’re gettin’ too skinny. I’ll see you in the
mornin’.”

I grab Kimber’s hand and lead her out of the
room. She stops forcing me to face her and asks, “What did you say to my momma?”

I shrug my shoulders and tell her, “Nothing
really, except that I want to take care of you.”

She looks up shyly with incredulity
claiming, “Jordan Rhodes, I think you just might be irresistible.”

I smile, devouring her pouty little lips
for a minute. Then I pull away stating, “Let’s go and feed you, your Momma’s
orders.”

Kimber

The scene that played out before my eyes
between Jordan and Momma amazed the hell out of me. I don’t think I’ve seen
Momma that nice in a long time. The fact that it wasn’t toward me pissed me off
though. Of course Jordan doesn’t deserve her wrath but neither do I and she
just met him.

As he pulls out of the hospital parking lot,
I stare at him still unbelieving of what just transpired. He glances over
bringing my hand to his lips for a lingering kiss. A smile spreads as he faces
the road again and he asks, “What?”

“I can’t believe she didn’t chew you out.
That’s her specialty.”

He chuckles, “She did a little but I took
her out to smoke a cigarette and I guess we bonded a little.”

My mouth gapes open as I ask, “Bonded how?
Momma hasn’t ever bonded with anyone.”

He slows the car and presses the brake as
the light turns red. He turns his head to me and admits, “I told her I’m
falling for you and that I intend on taking care of you.”

My heart speeds up at his words. I had
doubts when I went home to change today. Part of me was scared to death that
I’d go back to the hospital to find him gone. I thought maybe he didn’t want to
admit that this is too much for him, to my face. But I was completely wrong. He
was still there and now hearing these words from him again, astounds me that
this is actually real.

He averts his gaze forward and accelerates
as the light changes. I’m still at a loss for words. Silence spreads but he
still grasps my hand rubbing small circles with his thumb.

“Kimber, where do you want to go and eat?”

“How does pizza sound? If you drive past
the Duck and past your motel, there is a pizza place in the next plaza.”

“Sounds perfect. I was afraid I was going
to have to brave the shepherd’s pie again.”

A smile spreads across my lips. This
wonderful man, actually wants me. He wants to be with me and he is choosing to
do so, knowing all about the crap. I’m still so stunned.

Once we pull in, he walks around the car
and lets me out pulling me into his arms while sinking a kiss into the crook of
my neck.