Feeling This (27 page)

I walk quietly to the lone chair in the
corner and drop into it. I stare at my mom wondering how bad it is. She seems
pretty peaceful and not in any pain. My body suddenly feels the fatigue and I
sink lower, letting my eyelids close.

A gentle tap on my shoulder wakes me up. I
glance around remembering where I am and look straight to Momma. She is still
sound asleep. I rub my eyes and lean forward glancing into the face of a woman
with a kind face. She has brown hair braided to the side with grey peeking out
at her temples. I imagine she is close to Momma’s age but healthy looking. She
has a white jacket on with a nametag that reads, Dr. Martin. I sit up
straighter trying to mask my concern. Judging by the sympathetic look on her
face, it’s not good news.

She looks down at the chart cradled in her
arm and asks, “Are you Kimber or Jenna Maguire?”

I want to burst out laughing out of sheer
anger. How did they get Jenna’s name? Momma must have told them. She’s her
favorite right now I guess, buying her bottles.

“I’m Kimber.”

“Okay, well Kimber. I guess it was your
neighbor who brought your mom in.”

I nod already knowing this, wanting her to
give me the bad news already so we can just move on.

“She had a pretty bad fall this time. I
understand you were here for a fall about six months ago. She broke her arm that
time. This time, it’s a little bit more serious. She broke her hip. She was in
pretty bad pain so we gave her some medication to help her with it.”

I take a deep breath, realizing I had
forgotten to breathe while she told me the news. When I can, I ask in an uneven
voice, “Can you fix it?”

“Yes, we can. However Kimber, you do
realize with the MS, it is going to be a lot harder on her than if she had just
broken the hip with no other complications. And I want you to know she was very
intoxicated. I am guessing that contributed to the fall.”

 I’m suddenly furious at my sister. She
didn’t do what I asked her do to this morning. I nod my head at her embarrassed
and already knowing it will always be harder with the MS. Do they think I don’t
know this? Everything is harder and Momma of all people makes sure I know it
every day. I let this Dr. Martin have her moment though and try to look as
innocent as I can.

She continues, “She will need surgery to
pin the hip. Then she will need around the clock supervision for a while until
it is healed. Probably around 12 weeks for her.”

It hits me pretty hard hearing this.
Suddenly I am losing it. How I am going to work full time to pay the bills and
take care of her? I have no one to help and it is toxic to even attempt to get
Jenna’s help.

“Kimber, did you hear what I said?”

I shake my head, “No, sorry.”

“I was just telling you that there are
nurses in town that can come in and stay with her if you need it.”

I dismiss her suggestion, “Thank you
doctor. Um, when is her surgery?”

She glances down at her watch and back at
the chart, “It’s at 9 am this morning. I’ll be doing the surgery myself. Do you
have any other questions?”

“No, thank you.” I mumble still trying to
think of a way we can survive this. Her hospital stay and surgery costs are
going to be bad enough. The insurance doesn’t ever cover all of it. There is
always something I have to pay for.

The doctor asks before leaving, “Kimber,
Does your mom drink often?”

I was afraid of this question. I nod,
giving her the truth. I can’t shoulder it any longer.

“Someone is giving her alcohol behind my
back and I can’t keep whoever it is away.”

She nods at me and leaves the room.

Momma wakes up an hour later. She’s
disoriented and grumpy immediately lashing out at me, “Kimber, where the hell
have you been? If you woulda been there, this wouldn’t a happened.”

I just sit in the chair staring at her
taking every word she has to dish out. She’s right a little. If I wouldn’t have
gone to Jordan’s, I could have prevented this from happening.

I glance down at my phone and text Heidi as
she goes on about needing a drink and a cigarette. Heidi immediately responds
that she’s on her way. I’m so thankful. I ‘m about to lose it, the past few
days have added to my emotional instability. After I get the response from Heidi,
I walk out into the hall and call Mrs. Bruin to tell her what happened. She
assures me that she is fine and not to worry. It’s not her I’m worried about
it’s whether we will be able to keep our house or not.

When nine o’clock rolls around, the nurses
come in to get Momma ready for surgery. She yells at them about how they aren’t
helping her. They are really there to make her hurt more. I’m about to yell at
her to shut up when Heidi walks in and places her arm around my shoulders.
Immediately I lean into her and cry on her shoulder. As they push Momma past
she yells out, “Don’t know what
you’re
cryin’ bout. It’s me has ta go
and get surgery.”

Heidi growls, “Mrs. Maguire, you should
just shut it and I mean that with the utmost of respect.”

Momma looks at her dumbfounded. Her
features turn dark and she’s about to respond but the nurses push her out the
door before she can. I follow them down the hall with Heidi’s arms around me
the whole way. They stop at some double swinging doors with a sign that
displays, ‘Hospital Personnel Only Beyond This Point’, across it.

I walk up beside her and grab her hand. I
look down into her hard eyes and whisper, “I love you, Momma. I’ll be right
here when you get out.”

For a second, I see a tiny bit of fear and
then she pulls her hand away and tells me, “Well you better be.”

Anger surfaces in me. Why does she always
have to be such a bitch? Heidi pulls me back at the perfect time. I was about
to let it all out and now is not the right time. She pulls on my hand as I
watch my momma go through the double doors. I say a silent prayer that she gets
through this surgery without any complications.

We end up sitting in the cafeteria with
coffee. I didn’t realize how bad I needed it until I took a sip and the warmth
spread calming me. Heidi asks, “How much sleep did you get last night? You look
like hell.”

I smirk, “Guess I can always count on you
to keep it real.”

She smiles and sips her coffee while
mumbling, “Any hot doctors here? This is probably where I should be looking
instead of the bars where they’re all losers.”

My hands cradle the coffee and I savor the
warmth.

“Oh, except Jordan. By the way how is our
resident hottie? Did you have hot make up sex?”

I glare at her, “Get your head on Heidi.  Momma
just went into surgery. “

She waves her hand, “Oh Kimber you know
she’ll be fine. She always is. Just hangin’ in there to make your life
miserable.”

I rest my chin on my hand, wondering when I
will get to sleep again. This thing with Momma changes everything. My mind
drifts to Jordan and how wonderful he was last night. I’m not sure he will want
to continue this when he finds out about all of this. Who would want a girl who
has to take care of her sick and mean mother? Maybe I should end it before it
goes any further. The thought of that breaks my heart in two but I can’t
imagine having any time for him now that Momma needs me.

Jordan

The next morning, I roll over as bits of
light peek through the curtains.
Shit, I overslept.
It took me a long
time to get to sleep last night. As much as I didn’t want to feel it, I was
truly crushed that Kimber walked out after what I had told her. I was hurt that
she didn’t want to share as I had. But I’ve put her through enough pain twice
already. It’s going to take a while to convince her of my intentions. Hell, I
just made the decision to pursue her, yesterday.

I scurry to my phone and call Joe, asking
him to pass a message about over sleeping on to the boss. He laughs it off
calling me a city boy, teasing that I need my beauty sleep. At least he is in
good spirits about my absence. I just hope Mr. Bruin feels the same way.

When I get out to the ranch, Mrs. Bruin
steps out onto the porch with the boys in tow. She smiles and tells me,
“Stanley asked me to tell you to head out to the South field. He said you can
saddle up Gypsy.”

I nod, “Thank you ma’am.”

She turns to the house, calling the boys in
after her. I walk out to the barn to find Gypsy alone in her stall. She lifts
her head in greeting as soon as I step through the door. This is her routine,
the way she greets me every morning. Mike said she’s gotten worse, she won’t
even acknowledge anyone else anymore. I find it pretty humorous.

When I was thirteen and still riding
occasionally, I was really attached to a white stud named Bandit. He would
greet me similarly to Gypsy when I went to the stables. After a couple of years
though, he got sick and they had to put him down. I was pretty upset and it was
the primary reason I gave up riding. After that, I only rode for polo and I
chose a different horse each time never bonding with any others.

I’ve been leery with Gypsy because of
Bandit, but it’s impossible to turn back now, just as it is with Kimber. I’m hooked
and there’s no retreating now. I ready Gypsy, climb up onto her back and head
out to the field. I glance over at the main house wondering if Kimber is here
yet. I hope she brings the lunches out today. Somehow I have to prove to her
how serious I am about us.

The sun is relentless. Every day the grass
darkens more, making the fields look almost like a barren desert off in the
distance. The cows and horses are pretty much out of luck with grass grazing.
We haul hay bales out now.  By the time we head back to the barn, Gypsy has had
it with the heat and so have I. My shirt was removed hours ago and the lake
looks so tempting as we pass it. Kimber and the boys aren’t there today. Who
could blame them? I’d stay in the house where it’s cool, if I could.

When I approach the barn and climb down from
Gypsy, I notice on the other side of the barn that Mrs. Bruin is out with the
lunches. I wonder if Kimber is avoiding me but push that thought away. I opened
up to her last night and let my intentions be known. The ball is in her court
now. Maybe she needs to come and find me when she’s ready. I need to be patient
and give her time.

When Mrs. Bruin gets to my lunch, she eyes
me curiously and smiles as if she’s made a decision. Her eyes crinkle with a
grin as she asks, “Jordan, I was wondering if you could come by the house after
work today?”

“Of course, Mrs. Bruin. I’ll be right over
when we finish.”

“Alright then, I’ll see you.” She nods and
turns to walk back.

I wonder what she needs to say to me that
she can’t say out here but before I can let my mind roam any further Joe makes
his way toward me. He sits on the hay bale beside me while taking a bite of his
sandwich. He asks after a swig of water, “You and Kimber, work things out?”

“Still working.” I answer.

“Well keep at it, she’ll come around
eventually.”

Joe seems like a good guy but he seems to
always speak with the least amount of words leaving me wondering sometimes. I
ask curiously, “What exactly do you know Joe?”

Before he can answer though I confess, “I
really don’t even know anything myself.”

He chuckles, “Remember I told you how this
town talks. Well, Kimber just happens to be best friends with the biggest mouth
around this place. Nothin’ is sacred to that girl.”

It’s my turn to chuckle. I’ve pretty much
experienced his exact words about Heidi on more than one occasion. I’m guessing
as long as she’s around, my life will be public knowledge. As long as it’s with
Kimber though, that’s not a problem.

I mumble, “That explains a lot.”

He laughs, getting up and claps me on the
back, “Hang in there.”

I nod and glance at the house, wondering
what Mrs. Bruin needs to say to me.

The second half of the day drags on
forever. I’m not short on predictions about why Mrs. Bruin wants to see me. I
have a bad feeling it has to do with Kimber. Apparently, it’s public knowledge
that she and I have been talking so I would assume Joe isn’t the only one
around here who knows.