Feeling This (34 page)

Jordan has gone to the bar to get more
drinks so I decide to visit the bathroom. I’m stumbling just slightly from the
too high heels and the alcohol I’ve ingested. But when I turn the corner to the
hall down by the bathrooms, I spot Jennifer smiling at someone. I walk a little
further trying to get a glimpse of the poor guy that she’s trying to seduce.
Suddenly he turns to the side and she pushes him back against the wall covering
his mouth with hers. My hand moves to my mouth as I run to the doors leading
outside. Vomit surfaces as I lean over the bushes right outside the doors.

I scramble down the drive with tears
running down my cheeks blurring my vision. I can’t believe he lied to me. He
was actually kissing the bitch. I lower myself to the ground and take off my
shoes. I look around not sure what to do now. I can’t go back in there. I pull
my phone out and call for a cab to meet me down the road. Once it gets here, I
tell the driver to take me to the bus station. Finally, I call Heidi and ask
her to meet me at the bus station in Mount Pleasant. She was still cursing when
I hung up. I already know I messed up trusting him.
Never again.

Jordan

The night turned out to be completely
different than what I was expecting. I thought I would find reminders of Susan
everywhere and need Kimber to push the sadness away. But it never came. Kimber
even relaxed once she learned that I wanted nothing to do with Jennifer. We
danced and had a blast. It seems my parents have accepted her and my friends
warmed up to her.

Late in the night, I went to the bar to get
us more drinks. But I visited the bathroom first. When I walked out, I saw
Jennifer coming out of the women’s bathroom. I asked her if we could talk. She
happily followed me down the hall. When I turned around I told her, “Jennifer,
you have to stop this. I’m sorry I never realized your intentions. First you’re
rude to Susan for all of those years and now Kimber.”

She sniffles as if I’ve hurt her feelings,
“But Jordan, it was always you and I. Even when you came back from college, you
always wanted me.”

She takes a step forward and asks in a high
voice, “Can’t we just go back to that? Kimber’s white trash anyway. Why would
you want her?”

I frown fuming at her insult, “No Jennifer,
You need to leave it alone.”

As I finish the last word, she has advanced
forward and her mouth is covering mine. I quickly push her away from me and
gain distance between us.

“I told you no, get away from me.”

I turn and walk quickly to the bar, wiping
my mouth pissed off that I even bothered. I will need to tell Kimber about my
past with her or I know she will and our versions won’t be the same.

When I return to the table, I find Kimber
gone. I sit and wait watching Dave with Bree dance it up out on the floor. It’s
good to see him so happy. Someday, one day, maybe sooner than later, that will
be Kimber and I up there.

Kimber doesn’t return to the table so I get
up to look for her. I have my mom check the women’s bathroom and I look
everywhere for her. Both of my parents start the search as well. After an hour
and still no Kimber, I call her. It goes straight to voicemail. I slam down my
phone as my mom suggests, “Maybe something happened with her mom.”

I shake my head, “No, she would have come
to get me.”

Finally I admit, “Mom, I think we need to
go to the police. Something must have happened.”

“Now Jordan, are you sure? Would she have
left for any other reason without telling you?”

I shake my head and get up to pace. I end
up by the kitchen door. A waitress comes out. She notices that I’m distressed
and asks, “Sir, can I help you?”

It dawns on me then that maybe someone who
works here may have seen something. I implore, “Can you ask around about a
woman in a red dress. She was here but we can’t find her now.”

“Of course, I’ll be right back.”

Ten minutes later she comes back out with a
young boy in a bus boy uniform. She nods to me so I ask him, “My girlfriend,
she had a red dress on. She’s missing, did you see anything?”

He nods his head looking scared. I
encourage him, “Go ahead, you can tell me. I won’t tell anyone else.”

“Well I was outside smoking a cigarette
when she stumbled out of the doors. She vomited in the bushes. I was going to
see if she needed help but she kind of ran to the street after she got her
shoes off. A few minutes later a cab came and picked her up. That’s all I saw.
But dude, if I get caught one more time for taking a smoke break, I’m toast.”

“I understand, I won’t tell anyone. Thank
you for your help.”

I walk out into the heat and try her phone
again. When the voice to leave a message ends I plead, “Kimber, please call me.
I’m worried; you left without saying anything to me. Why?”

I turn to go back through the doors but run
into Jennifer. She’s shoeless and drunk. She stumbles into me but I move away not
even trying to catch her. She falls to her knees onto the pavement. When she
stands back up she shouts through slurred speech, “I heard you lost your little
white trash. I’d leave too if I saw you sucking face with someone else. I did
you a favor Jordan. You’re better off.”

My hands clench. I’ve never wanted to hit
someone as badly as I want to hit her at that moment. Instead I glare and tell
her, “Look who’s the trash right now.”

Her knees are bleeding where she fell and
her dress is torn at the hem. I turn back to the building not giving her
another glance. Oh Kimber, why do you always run?

I fill my parents in on what happened and
my mom forces me to sit against my first reaction. She explains, “If you go
back now, you are both emotional, not to mention you’ve been drinking. Wait
until the morning to go back. She’ll listen, Jordan I know how you feel about
each other.”

I take her advice but toss and turn the
whole night while counting down the hours until I can go back home and grovel.
Home, Kimber is my home and I have to get her back.

Kimber

The bus ride helped me calm down to the old
me, the one that just goes through the motions. It’s better that way. I knew
it, every time I’ve let myself feel anything, it disappears. When Heidi picks
me up, she bitches the whole way home. She wants to tear Jordan to shreds, I
just never want to see him again. I chastise myself over and over for letting
him in. I actually believed his words.

When we pull into my drive, she hugs me for
five minutes while I cry my eyes out. I vow this is all Jordan Rhodes will get
from me. When I’ve decided I’m done, I brace myself for Momma. It’s midnight so
she could be asleep but not with my luck lately.

I slip in and check on her. She is out with
no bottle in sight. I check the cabinets and her bathroom but there’s none.
Maybe we are finally past this drinking thing.

When I get to my room, I collapse onto my
bed still dressed in the red dress. I rip it off not caring about any tears.
I’ll never wear it again. When my face hits the pillow, I sob into the morning.
Who am I kidding? Jordan was it for me and I have to mourn the loss.

The next morning after no sleep, I notice
my voicemail has about ten messages. I look to see who they are from and delete
every one of them without listening. It’s better this way, I was never meant to
be a part of his world. I just don’t fit in.

Momma is sweet in the morning. She probably
sees my bloodshot eyes and puffy face realizing it’s not a good idea to mess
with me. When I get to the Bruin’s, I get the same reaction. Mrs. Bruin looks
sympathetic but I just assume it’s because of the shitty situation with Momma.
She tells me that she took the boys over yesterday and Momma was so happy to
see them. She wants to start taking them over every week since Momma enjoyed it
so much.

The boys talk me into the lake today but
really at this stage anyone could talk me into anything. I’m just the same as a
walking corpse. I’m hallowed out and this is the way it will be. By the time I
reach them at the water’s edge, both boys are at the top of the ladder. Michael
is swinging out over the lake yelling out, “Cowabunga!”

I spread my towel in the now non-existent
grass since the heat is so intense, and undress to my suit. I remember seeing
him cross that field almost coming over here to talk to me but then turning the
other way. We started out rocky with all of the baggage. There was no way it
would have ever worked anyway.

“Kimber, c’mon, jump, jump, jump!” Both
boys chant.

I follow them up and swim across the lake
remembering the previous day in the pool. Maybe if I hole myself up, there
won’t be anything to remember and cause this anguish.

By 4:30 I am beat. I leave, dreading that I
have to go to the Duck. I check my phone and find that he stopped calling,
which kind of breaks my heart even more. I guess Jennifer is who he wanted all
along. The thought makes me want to crawl in my bed and never wake up but I
dress in my zombie state and make it to the Duck. Derek is behind the bar when
I get there. He grabs me when I come around giving me a huge brotherly hug. How
did I ever even consider him anything other than a brother? When he releases me,
my sister is just sitting back down on the other side of the bar with a smirk.
She tells me, “I heard you need some moral support.”

“I don’t know what kind of support I need
but thank you for being here. Have you been home at all?”

“Actually I went yesterday. Mrs. Bruin called
me and asked me to come. Momma was happy to see me and said she’s kickin’ it.”

“It seems that way. I did a search last
night for bottles and found none.”

She hesitates but plunges on, “I’m thinking
about staying.” She looks past me at Derek. I follow her gaze and see him
smiling at her.

“Jenna I think that’s great. Especially
since this home health nurse bill is going to come and I’m gonna have to pay
for it somehow. Maybe Duck will give you a job.”

“Yeah, maybe, I’m thinking about going back
to school for art. I might see if I can teach art to children.”

It’s about fucking time my sister grew up.
I smile at her and then hear my best friend call out from the door, “Okay,
y’all can start the party now cause I’m here.”

I hurry around the bar happy that all the
people I love can be here to try and keep my mind from wandering. She grabs me
in a hug and tells me loud enough for everyone to hear, “Just let that dickhead
try and get in. We’ll be on him like white on rice.”

I smirk at her, still sad for Jordan. Oh
Jordan, what did you do to me?

By the end of the night, I’m so tired I
could pass out in the parking lot but I make it home to find a note taped to my
door from Momma.

Kimber,

Your sister told me what happened. I love you
girl, don’t you ever forget that. I wish I had words of wisdom for heartbreak
but I’m still suffering from my own. The only thing I can tell you is that each
day, it gets easier to get up and live. It never goes away so embrace your
passion and figure it out. I want you to do what you want even if that means
you have to leave me. I’ll miss you but I can’t hold you back anymore. Follow
your heart girl!