Feeling This (35 page)

Momma

Her words as gruff as they are bring tears
to my eyes. This is Momma reaching out which she hasn’t done in years. I slip
into my room knowing that things with her won’t be perfect but there is a
chance they’ll get better. I move to set the note down on my dresser when the
bracelet catches my eye. I reach out fingering the circular diamonds. I have to
return this to Mrs. Rhodes. There is no reason why I should have it. I hold it
in one hand and Momma’s note in the other while sinking to my bed. My eyelids
close immediately finally letting sleep over take me.

***

The week passes quickly with my monotonous
routine. I wake up each day and perform my duties at the Bruins and tend bar at
the Duck each night. Never once through the week do I hear from Jordan nor does
he show his face in our town. It saddens me now that he didn’t even try past
that night. I might have thought twice about things if he would have fought but
now I’ve turned the corner. My heart is stone and nothing is getting in.

On Friday morning Heidi calls singing a
whole verse of Blink 182’s
Feeling This
while I’m driving to the Bruins.
Her version is horrendous which she already knows. She’s trying to get me
excited for my Friday night performance. I need all the help I can get, feeling
extremely uninspired lately.

Mrs. Bruin is running errands all day so I
am in charge of not only the boys but also the ranch hands nourishment. I pack
up their lunches at noon and haul them off with the boys in tow. This excited
them immensely, seeing their daddy before the day was up. When we arrived out
at the barn, out of habit, I looked for him. But I already knew he quit when he
didn’t show back up all week. Mr. and Mrs. Bruin haven’t said a word about him
to me but I know they have to be pissed about having to replace another ranch
hand so soon.

As we pass out the last of the lunches, Joe
approaches me, “Hey Kimber, sorry to hear, you know.”

“It’s alright Joe. It sucks but it’s done.”

“I know but I really thought…”

His unspoken words bring tears to my eyes.
I thought so too. I turn to go back to the house.

He calls out after me, “Aw, Kimber, I’m
sorry.”

I ignore him and instead call back for the
boys to get up here. They come running up the porch begging to go the lake. I
hold my ground using the absence of their mother as an excuse. So instead we
sit in front of the T.V. all afternoon. I work on a song with my guitar while
they watch mind numbing shows. It feels good to get it all down on paper.

At the end of the day, Mrs. Bruin scurries
into the house right at 4:30. “Sorry Kimber, things took longer than I thought
they would.”

“No problem, Mrs. Bruin, they were great as
usual.”

I head home and dress for the Duck. Momma
is sitting at the kitchen table smoking but her cup is filled with coffee and
she looks more alive today. Her usual dull pallor is more colorful. Her cheeks
are more flush than usual. She greets me when I come in, “Hi Kimber, how are
you?”

I walk around the table and kiss her cheek,
“Good, Momma. Thank you for the note. I love you.”

She grasps me in a weak hug from her chair,
”I love you too, my girl.”

She adds when I pull back from the hug,
“Jenna is comin’ tonight to visit.”

“That is great Momma. I’m gonna go and get
ready.”

I stand in the shower letting my tears that
come daily, wash down the drain. It won’t go away, but it will get easier. I
keep that mantra through my head because heartbreak really sucks.

Sliding into jeans and a black tank top, I
grab my converse and smear some lip gloss on my way out.

When I get to the bar, it’s pretty deserted
for a Friday night. My guitar goes in its usual spot and I joke around with
Derek until it’s time. When Duck announces my name, Heidi’s ear piercing
whistle, rings through the room. It’s gotten busier with very few chairs open.
I sit up on the stool and close my eyes while strumming, my usual routine. When
I open them, I scan the crowd while telling them, “This is a song I just wrote
called I Gave
All I Have to Give
.”

“I Gave All I Have to Give

In the morning, when the sun peeks through, a
kiss is still a kiss.

I gave you all I had to give.

You make me love you in the rain, a touch is
still a touch.

 I gave you all I had to give.

Turn the dark on out loud, a tear is still a
tear.

I gave you all I had to give.

When the night falls, I’m through.

I gave you all I had to give.

I gave you all I had to give.

I gave you all I had to give.

A kiss, a touch, and a tear, I gave you all I
had to give.”

As I sing the second verse the doors to the
bar open. Jordan walks through them immediately meeting my stare. My heart
falters as does my voice. I quickly look away when a tear rolls over my cheek.
I close my eyes and finish the words he inspired that I never meant for him to
hear.

When it’s done, I set my guitar down and
race to the bathroom. A moment later the door opens and I hold my breath. Heidi
finds me in a crouch on the floor. She leans down in her three inch heels
finally deciding to sit on the nasty floor. What a best friend. She holds me as
the tears race freely. When I can find my voice it comes out strangled and I
ask, ”Why is he here? Please make him go away.”

She holds me tighter which causes more tears.
After a minute more I start to wonder why she isn’t answering me or keeping her
‘white on rice’ promise. I distance myself away from her about to ask when the
door opens. I look up and meet those unmistakable eyes I’ve missed. Heidi gets
up brushing imaginary germs off of her jeans. She glances down to me and back
to Jordan nodding at him. Before I can rage on her, she’s gone. I get up
swiftly and swing my arm to hit him. He catches my hand pulling me into him.
Oh
no, not this again.

I push away shaking my head, “Oh no, you
can’t just come in here and pretend like you did nothing. You can’t think that
if you just touch me, I’ll crumple at your feet. Oh no Jordan Rhodes, I don’t
want you.”

My voice comes out as a whisper, “Please
leave.”

He leans in meeting my tear stained eyes,
“Kimber, I’m so sorry. What you saw was Jennifer trying to kiss me, I never
kissed her back. She saw you at the end of the hall and you did exactly what
she thought you would, you ran.”

He moves his hands through his hair
frustrated, “Oh Kimber, why do you always run?”

My words stumble out, “But, but why did you
wait all week to tell me? Why did you stop calling? We are just too different
Jordan, I’ll never fit, we’ll never fit.”

“Kimber Maguire, once again I’ve hurt you
without intending to. But I’ll be damned If I’m going to let my life go. You
are my life, I know you know that.”

He reaches his hand out, palm up, “Can you
trust me, just one more time?”

I stare at his outstretched hand wanting
nothing more than to let him take this pain away but I’m so scared.

He interrupts my indecision, “Kimber, I
knew you would need me to prove it to you. Please come with me. If you still
don’t trust in my feelings, I will bring you right back.”

I cower back so afraid, “But what about
Duck? I’m supposed to sing.”

“I made arrangements.”

“He has a band called,
Junk Me
, for
the night.” I inwardly smile at that, Heidi and Becca will never get away from
that Tyler dude.

I ignore his hand and walk out of the
bathroom on my own. He follows me out. Derek hands me my guitar over the bar
while winking at me. What the hell, were they all in on this?

I put my guitar in the back and climb into
the passenger seat on my own, ignoring Jordan’s help. He quietly chuckles. I
can’t imagine what could be so funny at this moment. My heart is just about
breaking all over again from seeing him. I want to touch him but I can’t. I’ve
been hurting so badly.

He drives out of town toward the Bruin
ranch. I’m about to protest and tell him to take me home thinking he is taking me
out to the ranch but he passes their drive. Five miles later a dirt drive peeks
out on the opposite side of the road. Jordan turns in following the dark
winding path. When he stops, I notice a white two story house situated before
us. Both porches are fronted with a thin railing that wraps around the sides.

Jordan comes around the car and opens my
door, letting me climb out on my own. I look up to this massive house with
lights shining through the windows and ask, “Jordan, why are we here? Whose house
is this?’

He turns toward the house and walks up the
steps. Once up there he turns to me reaching into his pocket and holds out a
key. I climb up and stand beside him not understanding what he is trying to
tell me.

“Kimber, this is your house, welcome home.”

I shake my head, bringing my hands up to my
mouth. He faces me grasping both of my cheeks forcing me to look up into his
sincere eyes.

“I love you Kimber Maguire.” And he leans
over kissing me passionately. In that moment I know that I am finally home.
Jordan Rhodes is my home. He lifts me up, not breaking our kiss and carries me
over the threshold. Once inside, he sets me down and asks, “Do you want to
explore?”

I shake my head, “I want to explore the
bedroom.”

He smiles grabbing my face again so he can
kiss me thoroughly. I reach around behind his neck jumping his bones, which
I’ve wanted to do since the first day I met him. He loses his balance for a
moment but catches both of us. I wrap my legs around his waist as he slowly
climbs the stairs to show me the bedroom.

He mumbles into my neck, “Kimber, you are
so irresistible, my life!”

Kimber

It took me a while to begin the trust thing
with Jordan. In hindsight, he never really betrayed me, it was more my own
insecurities. But every day that I wake up in his arms, is one more that I
relax a tiny bit into this life we call ours.

Jordan wanted me to quit the Duck and go to
school full time but I made other choices. I know he can afford to take care of
us forever but as Heidi once said, ‘the Duck has grown on me’. It’s a part of
my life that I’m not willing to let go of just yet. Not to mention, it’s my
link to this sorry ass town, I now love. Who would have thought six months ago
when I was so desperate to get out that I would refuse to leave?

Jordan gave me the choice and of course I
chose to stay. The day he asked me to choose between Mount Vernon and Dallas I
think he was afraid I’d make him go back. He has found a new life here just as
I have.

The front screen door snaps closed and I
know Jordan has come in from the fields. The day he brought me home and told me
he planned on making this our home, begin to raise cattle, and marry me;
exactly in that order, I laughed. Well so far, we have two out of the three and
a shiny diamond glistens on my finger. The third will be soon enough.

He comes up behind me as I’m making lunch,
“Hi babe, oh man, I missed you.” He kisses the back of my neck raising goose
bumps.

I laugh, “You’ve only been gone a few hours
and you barely made it out there this morning. I had to force you out of bed.”

He covers my neck in kisses while mumbling
in between, “I’m not sure I’ll make it back out there again if you don’t stop
tasting so good.”

I separate myself and gesture for him to
take our sandwiches to the table. He sighs picking up the plate.

“You’re such a tease.”

I smile, following him out onto our deck
off the back of the house. The first time I walked out here the morning after
he gave the house to me, I was amazed that this was possible. I still pinch
myself often to make sure I’m not just dreaming this life. It expands the
length of the house with teak and rattan furniture. The roof is slatted wood
making everything perfectly rustic just like my fiancé’s newly adopted life. It
was pretty funny at first watching him learn the ropes of owning a ranch. Mr.
Bruin spent so many hours out there with him. But he’s finally getting the hang
of it. Joe came on a month ago and he’s made a huge difference in how
everything runs.