Finding Home (11 page)

“That’s because he is,” she said softly and I closed my eyes, my heart aching for him. 

Ten

“Mandy.” The hushed voice was echoing in my ear and I felt myself being pulled from my dream, hovering between that state between sleep and awake. “Mandy.” There was a gentle shake on my arm and my eyes finally fluttered open slowly, opening and closing a few times as they tried adjusting to the black room.  It had taken me what felt like forever to fall asleep.  I hadn’t been able to get Brandon out of my mind, wondering if he was okay.  I must’ve eventually fallen asleep though, but I had no idea how long ago that had been. “Mandy.  Wake up.”

Now that I was awake, I immediately recognized the voice, even though it was speaking in a low whisper.  It was Brandon.

I turned over, away from the wall that I’d been facing and I could see his silhouette, kneeling at the side of the bed in the darkness.

“Brandon.  What are you doing in here?” I whispered.

“Are you okay?” he asked and I could hear the worry in his voice.

“I’m fine, Brandon.”

“Are you sure?  I just woke up and I had to know you were okay.” His words were coming out quickly now and I sat up, reaching over and turning on the lamp on the end table. It illuminated the room instantly in a soft glow and I could see him clearly now, still kneeling beside me, wearing nothing but his boxer shorts and I couldn’t help but stare at his tight abdomen and defined chest.  He looked tired and stressed, his blue eyes heavy and his hair pointing every which way. 

The blanket was pulled up almost to my neck, hiding the tank top I’d worn to bed along with a pair of shorts.  I could feel my hair was a puffy mess, but I wasn’t self-conscious being alone with him like I thought I would.

“I’m okay, Brandon,” I said, trying to reassure him and then he looked down, shaking his head before looking up at me again. 

“Tonight…what happened…shit…I never wanted you to see me like that,” he sighed, reaching up and taking one of my hands, causing the blanket to fall a little, showing more of my tank top than I was comfortable with. 

“Are you okay, Brandon?” I asked softly as my thumb rubbed the back of his hand. “It was scary seeing you like that.”

“Please don’t be afraid of me, Mandy.” I could see the fear in his eyes and I lifted my other hand, cupping his face, not caring that the blanket dropped to my waist, exposing a healthy dose of cleavage that he didn’t seem to bat an eye at. 

“I’m not afraid of you,” I said quickly. “I’m scared for you because I didn’t realize…” my voice paused for a moment as I thought about what to say. “I just didn’t get what you’re dealing with until I saw what happened.”

“I don’t know what happened.  I heard the shots and it was like I was back there again.  I wasn’t here.  I was there and all I could think about was taking cover and then I saw you sitting there and all I wanted to do was protect you.” He stopped, closing his eyes for a moment as if he were recalling something painful, before opening them again. “I didn’t understand why you were there, but all I could think about was keeping you safe.  I couldn’t let anything happen to you.  I’ve never been so fucking scared, Mandy.”

I saw the tears in his eyes and he seemed to be shaking.  I just wrapped my arms around him and he squeezed me back as if he wasn’t ever going to let me go.

“I’m here, Brandon, and I’m safe,” I whispered in his ear, but he just held me tighter.

“I’m so sorry, Mandy,” he finally said after a few quiet moments. 

“Please don’t apologize,” I said, pulling back. 

“I don’t know what’s wrong with me.  I’m trying to figure it out, but sometimes…it just…nothing makes sense and I’m scared as shit half the time because I feel like I have no control over myself sometimes.  I go to sleep and then the dreams come.” His eyes looked off to the distance as he talked, as if he was back in the dreams. “When I’m awake, I don’t really remember anything, but when I’m asleep…I know I remember and I see it and I feel it all again, even though I don’t remember when I wake up.  The fear is there and I have no control and it’s like I’m going through it all again.  I never thought I’d act the way I did tonight though and I’m so damn sorry, Mandy.  I would never hurt you, you know that, don’t you?”

He was looking at me pleadingly and I just smiled at him, gently running my hands through his hair before I took his face in my hands.

“I know,” I said softly and then I kissed him.  It was slow and soft and my lips just rested on his for a few moments before they started moving over his.  He responded, his lips brushing over mine so softly, but then I felt his tongue brush over them, easing its way into my mouth as he began kissing me eagerly, his arms wrapping around me.  I felt him pushing himself onto the bed, easing me back until he was hovering over me, his weight crushing me, but not like earlier.  This was a good crushing, as if I belonged to him and I had to admit, I liked being possessed.  My hands were around him, running up and down the strong muscles of his back as he moved.  His lips left mine and I felt them return to my skin, this time on my neck, pulling and sucking in a way that was driving me wild.  I felt his hand inch under my shirt as he continued to move on top of me, my hips burning beneath him.  His fingers were warm on the sensitive skin of my stomach and I didn’t stop him when he started inching higher and higher, eventually stopping on my breast, cupping it gently as his lips began their way down my neck and onto my collarbone.  I could feel my hips starting to move under him as my back arched from his touch.  I couldn’t believe I was here…with Brandon…him touching me like this.  I could tell he was just as excited as me when his knee forced its way between my legs, encouraging them to open so he could settle himself between them.  It was becoming real now and I didn’t understand how it could feel so right.  He could’ve asked me to do anything at that moment and I probably would have.  But then he stopped and I opened my eyes.  He was looking down at me, his eyes so soft and kind as he ran a finger over my mouth and then over my cheek and then up to my hair.

“I can’t fuck this up, Mandy.  This isn’t how it should be.”  I felt my body stiffen at the stinging rejection. “You mean too much to me to do this like this.”  He leaned in, kissing me so sweetly, the rejection started to melt away and then he kissed me again, this time on the tip of my nose, before he rolled off me, pulling me too him so I was resting on his chest, my arm draped across him as both of us tried to calm our breathing. “Are you okay?” he asked.

“Yeah,” I said softly, wondering if I really was okay.  I’d wanted him and I’d thought he wanted me, but he stopped as suddenly as the whole thing began.

“You’re not upset that we stopped?”

“No,” I said.

“You’ve known me almost my entire life and you know I’ve never taken a damn thing seriously.  And don’t try and defend me because you know it’s true.”  He started stroking my arm and I couldn’t help but laugh a little because it was mostly true. “But I wanna take this…I wanna take you seriously and this can’t happen right now because it’ll mess it all up.”

I knew he was right, no matter how much I’d wanted him.  He didn’t stop because he didn’t want me.  He stopped because this wasn’t right…not yet. 

“You’re right,” I said softly. “We shouldn’t rush anything.”

“And we won’t.  You’re worth waiting for.”  I felt the smile curl up on my lips.  I wasn’t used to this…the way he was treating me, but it felt nice. 

We just laid there for a while and I went to wrap my leg around his, but then I remembered one of them wasn’t there and my leg was searching for nothing.  I prayed Brandon wouldn’t realize what I was doing, but he had. 

“I don’t sleep with it on,” he said quietly.

“I…I um…I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay, Mandy.  I forget too,” he said and I had to admit it was a little strange thinking about the fact that Brandon’s leg wasn’t there.  He did such a good job on his prosthetic and he never seemed to wear shorts so I rarely thought of Brandon as a person with only one leg, but it was more than obvious now and I hoped I hadn’t made him uncomfortable.

“You’re just so amazing on your prosthetic…” I said and then shut up because I knew there was nothing I could say.

“Do you want to see it?  My leg?” he asked softly, his voice low and nervous.

“You don’t have to do that…” I began and then I stopped, wondering if this was his way of letting me in and I couldn’t shut myself out. “Unless…you want to show me.”

“I don’t want to keep it from you, Mandy, and I don’t want you to be nervous or afraid or anything.  Maybe this will help.” I could tell this was hard for him and I sat up, staring down at him, the anxiety plastered on his face.

“I don’t want you to keep it from me either,” I said with a little smile and he sat up.  He glanced at me again and I could see he was nervous.  Slowly, he began pulling the sheet from his leg and I watched, admittedly nervous about what I was going to see. 

My eyes first noticed his right leg…his good leg and then I saw the other…rounded on the end just above where his knee should’ve been.  The skin was pale and pink and it looked surprisingly soft.  I lifted my hand, moving it slowly towards what was left of his leg, hesitantly at first and then I met his eyes, looking to see if this was okay.  When he didn’t move or say anything, I took that as my cue that I could continue. 

I touched it lightly at first and discovered it was as soft as it looked.  Then, my hand was cupping it and I looked up at his face.  His eyes were closed tightly in pained creases.

“Am I hurting you?” I whispered and he shook his head.

“No.  It just feels a little strange.”

“Then I’ll stop,” I said, lifting my hand away and I watched as his eyes slowly opened, but they didn’t look at me.  He looked shy and embarrassed and I put my finger under his chin, tilting it up until our eyes met. 

“I’ll understand if you can’t,” he said so low I could barely hear him.

“Can’t what?”

“Be with me…someone like me.”

“Of course I want to be with you, Brandon.”

“You could do better, Mandy,” he said and I thought I heard his voice crack. “So much better.  I’ve got so many goddam issues.”

“And I’m gonna help you through every single one of them.” I stared into his eyes until I thought he was starting to believe me.  The nerves were still there, but I was chipping away at his doubt.  I’d just have to show him I meant what I said.

“I don’t know what I’d do if you weren’t here, Mandy,” he said softly, staring down again.

“Well, I am here, so you don’t have to think about anything else,” I told him and when he met my eyes this time, he didn’t look so afraid.  

Eleven

Brandon had stayed with me most of the night and I liked having him next to me.  He held me and I slept like a baby.  I don’t think I moved the whole night because when I woke up, his arms were still around me.  I’d woke him up, suggesting he go back to his room before anyone realized he was in my room.  I really didn’t think his parents would mind if they did know, but I wasn’t comfortable with that.  I was a guest in their house and the last thing I wanted to do was show any disrespect. It was nearly five o’clock, so it wouldn’t be that long until it was time to get up anyway.  He’d left the room begrudgingly, kissing me sweetly before he made his way out.  Even though the room was still dark, I couldn’t help but notice how he left.  Without his prosthetic or any form of support, moving around was difficult and I had to look away as he hopped out of the room.

It took me a little while, but I finally fell back asleep.  I woke up a few hours later, a little past eight o’clock.  The whole night seemed like a blur in the light of day.  What had happened with Brandon’s cousins and how close we’d gotten last night and as I crawled out of bed, I was nervous about what today would bring. 

I slipped a t-shirt over my head, not wanting to walk around the house in the skimpy tank-top I’d worn to bed.  The house seemed quiet when I walked into the hallway.  I thought I heard something from the kitchen, but other than that, nothing.  I was tiptoeing so as not to wake anyone, but then a door opened and Mrs. Seaver walked out.

“Mandy,” she said, smiling over to me and I was relieved that she didn’t appear to know about what had almost happened between her son and I the night before.

“Good morning, Mrs. Seaver.”

“I wish you’d stop calling me that.  You’re not a kid anymore,” she said, touching my arm. “Please call me Melissa.”

“Okay…Melissa” I said and I could hear the timidness in my voice.

“Did you sleep well?”

“Yes, thank you,” I said, hoping I wasn’t blushing, thinking about the way Brandon had touched me. “Mind if I jump in the shower?”

“Of course not.  Follow me.”

She turned and we walked a little ways down the hall.  She stopped, opening the linen closet and pulling out a towel and washcloth for me and then showed me to the bathroom.  I took a quick shower and made my way back to my room, changing out of the pajamas I’d put back on to walk from the bathroom to my room, and into a pair of shorts and t-shirt.  I dried my hair just enough so it wasn’t sopping wet anymore.  If I dried it all the way, it’d be nothing but a puffball.  Instead, I pulled it up into a wavy ponytail, put on a little make up, slid on my flip flops and went downstairs. 

Brandon’s grandmother was fixing breakfast while his mom and aunt helped.

“Can I do anything to help?” I asked, hoping they’d give me something to do.

“I’d tell you to sit and relax, but I know you wouldn’t like that,” Melissa said and I nodded, walking over to the counter. “Do you want to squeeze the orange juice?”

“Fresh squeezed orange juice?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.  I’d only ever had orange juice from a bottle. 

“We wanted to go all out this weekend,” Melissa said, pushing the juicer toward me and I got to work.

I was nearly done when Brandon walked in.  I could tell he’d taken a shower by the way his hair glistened, still damp.  It looked as if he hadn’t done much to it, maybe run some gel through it.  It was messy, but undeniably sexy, especially when I checked out the whole package, a pair of dark cargo pants and a white t-shirt that hugged him just enough to show off what a good body he had. 

Our eyes met from across the room and he smiled at me and I knew I was blushing.

“They’ve got you working again?  Please know, Mandy, this was not my intention when I invited you out here.”

He sidled up beside me, kissing me on the top of the head and I felt my body stiffen at such an open display of affection.  His mom had seen us holding hands, but this was very different and as I glanced out of the corner of my eye at her, I saw a little smile on her face and I relaxed, knowing she was cool with all of this.

“I don’t mind, Brandon. I want to help,” I told him.

“I know you do,” he said and I could feel his hand on my back, rubbing it in slow circles. 

“Are you still okay?  I didn’t want to leave you this morning,” he asked, leaning in close to me so only I could hear.

“I’m good.  You?” I asked back.

“Perfect,” he said, kissing me on the head again just as the others started filtering in.  Mr. Seaver and Jim had been outside and Jeff and Clint stumbled into the kitchen looking exhausted as they sat at the table, nearly falling asleep again as they rested their cheeks on their hands.  I finished with the juice and breakfast was ready then.  Brandon’s grandmother set a large stack of pancakes on the table while Melissa took the bacon over.  I brought over the juice and we all settled around the table.  Brandon rested his hand on my thigh and I turned to look at him.  He had the typical Brandon smile on his face, smug and cocky, but with a softness that reaffirmed to me he wasn’t the same Brandon he’d been before he left Carver after high school.  He was an even better Brandon and after last night, the way he’d opened up to me, the way he’d needed me, the way he needed to know I was alright, I was almost certain I was in love with him.