Finding My Way (55 page)

I feel Nick’s eyes on
me as I stare at the back of April’s head, wondering if there is any truth in
what she says.  I watch as Nick quickly glances at April and then his eyes
are firmly back on me.  A slow sexy smile graces his lips as he continues
to gaze at me.  I feel my whole body go on edge and I cannot fight the
smile that I give him back before I walk over to take my seat beside him.

Grabbing the beer
that Nick has bought for me, I raise it to him and give him a “thanks” before
taking a large gulp.  I notice Kat’s eyes flitter between the two of us
and she gives me a knowing smile, which makes me flush with
embarrassment.  Maybe Kat and April are both right after all.

“So
no hard feelings?”
 Jake asks for the second time tonight.  We
have rehashed the whole Kelly debacle and he understands where I was coming
from.  He’s a little intoxicated as he puts his hand out for me to shake,
also for the second time.

“All
good.”
  I shake it and then he walks over to sit by Luke. 
He’s actually not a bad bloke, but mainly I’m just keeping the peace because I
know he’s like a brother to
Em
, and I will do
anything to keep her on side.

Em
walks back to the table on slightly wobbly legs.  She is such an adorable
drunk.  She has been knocking them back these past few hours.  Things
have been a little strained between us, but I think she’s finally realising why
I’m really here.  That I like her and I want to be with her, she’s finally
getting it.  I noticed her tense up when I flirted with her friend April,
which is the reason I did it, I’m almost positive that she feels the way I do.

Her phone rings with
a tune I don’t recognise and she scrambles to answer it as she walks
away.  I notice her glancing in my direction and I strain to hear what she
is saying.  She’s a distance away but she’s talking rather loudly,
something I’ve noticed she does after a couple of drinks.  I hear an “it’s
fine” and a “don’t worry” before she looks at me again with an unreadable
expression and says “no, no, I’m
gonna
head home soon
anyway.  I’ll see you tomorrow.”  She slips her phone into her jeans
pocket as she makes her way back to the table.

“Problem?”
Kat asks before I get to say anything.

“Seth’s not
gonna
make it,” 
Em
replies
though she looks relieved rather than unhappy about it.  That look alone
gives me hope.

“Pity,” I
grumble and I get a glare from her and a smile from Kat.

“We’re
gonna
call it a night,” Kat says as Luke stands up beside
her.  She turns to me, with a sneaky smile.
 
“Nick, you can give
Em
a ride home, can’t you?”

“No-”
Em
begins to protest but I speak over the top of her.

“Of
course.”
  Then I mouth “thanks” to Kat when
Em
isn’t looking.

I am going to kill
Kat the next time I see her!  I can’t believe that she would conspire with
Nick like that!  I have a boyfriend.

“Let me carry those,”
Nick says as he pulls the gifts from my arms.  I don’t argue as I can
barely walk without swaying, so I don’t even want to attempt to carry all my
presents up the stairs to my apartment.  Nick slams the boot of his car
and starts to walk up the footpath.  I trail behind him unable to keep my
eyes off his arse.

When we reach my
door, I search my bag for my keys and when I finally find them, I hold them up
triumphantly.  Nick juggles my presents in one hand as he takes the keys
off me and unlocks the door.  I silently walk through and he follows
closing the door behind him.  We both stop in the kitchen and he puts all
of my belongings on the bench.

I watch as he opens
up my kitchen cupboards one by one, until he finds a vase for my flowers. 
He carefully
unwraps
them, fills the vase with water,
and places the flowers in it.  For some reason it angers me that he is so
familiar with my apartment.  He’s not my boyfriend.  He has no right
to be here.

“Thanks,” I mumble.

He walks over and
stands in front of me.  I see him glance at the roses Seth gave me on the
other side of the room before turning his attention to me.

“No worries. 
That’s what
friends
do,” he says sarcastically as his blue eyes
bore into mine.

He moves closer to me
and puts his hand on my cheek, staring at me intensely for a moment.  I
know I should back away, I know that, but I am frozen on the spot as his head
inches towards mine slowly and my breath hitches.  Then he kisses me on
the lips, hard.  The fierceness takes me by surprise.  As I am trying
to comprehend it, he kisses me again, gentler, lingering a little longer. 
I try to move my hand up from my sides to push him away but I can’t seem to
move.  Before I get a chance to object, his hand moves around the back of
my neck and his body pushes me forcefully
against
the
wall.  He is pushing his weight against me and I feel trapped.  He is
kissing me aggressively and I am in shock.  I want to fight him, push him
away, tell him it’s not okay, he can’t do this to me again, but I can’t move;
he’s too big and too strong to budge, even if I did try. 
Which I don’t.
 
Why aren’t I trying?

When his lips move
away slightly I open my mouth to speak, to object, but he takes it as an
invitation, putting his tongue in my mouth.  For some reason my tongue
finds his too.  I find myself giving in as he takes over my senses. 
My mind is screaming “stop,” but I can’t stop my mouth from moving against
his.  It feels wonderful, loving and tender.  Yet at the same time,
he is rough, passionate and
hot
.  I wrap my arms around his neck
and pull myself closer to him.  He puts his hand up above my head against
the wall as he pushes even harder against me.  Our bodies align and melt
together.  Our kisses become desperate and I find it difficult to
breathe.  I can feel his arousal against my belly.  My body tingles
as my pulse increases and I feel that familiar strong desire for him.

“Sorry,”
he
breaths heavily as he abruptly breaks away.  He is
looking at me with lust in his beautiful blue eyes.  My body is burning
with desire and I realise how much I
want
to be with him, but he just
pulls further away from me.  I’m stunned.  I lean against the wall
trying to catch my breath and unscramble my thoughts.  He has just kissed
me in a way that I think I have always wanted him to, in a way that I feel in
every single part of my body, in a way that shocks me because it makes me feels
so alive… and needed… and wanted.

This is Nick, my
friend
Nick. 
I have a boyfriend
.  Nick didn’t want me before, we
have to be friends.  But now I want him so bad, what has gotten into
me?  I thought I was past this.  When he rejected me, I moved
on.  I thought I got over it.

In a blink, he is
gone.  I turn my head and I see him moving quickly away and I cannot find
my voice.  I slump against the wall breathing hard.  The front door
flies open and I lose sight of him when he turns the corner of the
building.  I want to call out to him, tell him to stay, which is
ridiculous, I have a boyfriend.  Before I know it, I am racing through my
apartment and onto my balcony facing the street.  I see him as he hastily
walks down the front path.

“Nick!” I yell, but
he doesn’t turn around.  “Nick!” I call again, I’m unsure if he’s ignoring
me or if he heard me at all.  Leaning against the balcony, I watch as he
disappears into the night.  What was
that
?  I’ve never felt a
kiss quite like that before.  Nick isn’t supposed to want to kiss me, he’s
my friend. 
Just a friend.
  I have a
boyfriend.  He doesn’t do relationships.

I lean my forehead
against the railing of the balcony, using the cool metal to bring me back to
earth.  Then I feel the warm tears trickle down my face as realisation
hits.  After what just happened, I definitely can’t be his friend anymore.

I noticed the roses
in
Em’s
apartment and knew they were from
him
. 
Roses, such an obvious choice, such a boyfriend cliché.
 As I place the colourful arrangement of flowers I gave her on the
kitchen bench I reflect over the fun night we have had,
without him
. 
I loved watching Emma with her friends, she was in her element.  She was
so smiley and so damn sexy tonight.  She had a confidence to her that I
hadn’t seen since that one time she came up to me in the rain at the
station.  I wonder as she eyes me seductively if she’s thinking what I’m
thinking, which is how much I want to kiss her right now and how much I want to
be with her.  I need to know what she is thinking.  I need to tell
her that how I feel about her.  No, I need to show her.

I move closer to her,
cupping her face in my hand and gaze at her for a moment.  I try to tell
her silently all that I am feeling.  I plant a soft kiss on her voluptuous
lips.  It is not enough.  I have something to prove here.  So I
kiss her again. 
Then again.
  I move my hand
down to the back of her neck.  I push against her, pressing her against
the wall.  I gently lick her lips and they part slightly so I insert my
tongue.  Moving it around in her mouth, I kiss her with as much force and
passion as I can muster and finally she’s responding.  Her mouth is moving
against mine, her tongue in my mouth.  She tastes like heaven and I can’t
get enough.  Her hands move to my neck, which sends shivers up my
spine.  I have to put my hand against the wall just to balance, to keep
myself upright.  I can feel all of her now.  Her whole body flush
against mine as we are drawn closer.

No, this is too
much.  I have to pull away.  She is not like other girls if I don’t
stop now I know I will have to have her, right here against this wall. 
She’s been drinking, I can’t do this.  She has a boyfriend and she would
regret it.  I don’t want to hurt her.

I pull back to look
at her for a moment.  I don’t recognise the look on her face.  Is it
lust… no I think maybe horror?  I don’t know but either way I can see
shock.  I have shocked the hell out of her.

“Sorry,” I mutter
under my breath, releasing her.  Her hands drop from my neck as I move
away from her.  I’ve got to get out of here.  I look back at Emma and
I can see that she is still propped against the wall.  She looks dazed and
out of breath. 

I leave her there in
an almost run, and I don’t look back, I can’t face her.  I don’t want to
see the same hurt I did the last time I ran out on her.  I can’t be in the
same room as
Em
when I’m worked up like this and not
have her either.

A loud knock startles
me from the couch where I have spent the night.  I drag myself to the
front door.  Looking through the peephole, I see Nick standing
there.  I hesitate for a moment and lean my forehead against the door.

“I know you’re there
Em
, I can hear you breathing,” he says gently.

I reluctantly open
the door and allow him to enter.  I see him eye my appearance.  Shock
registers on his face when he notices I am still wearing the same clothes from
the night before.  I leave him standing at the door and take a seat on the
couch.  He sits beside me but doesn’t say a word.  After a couple of
minutes, I find my voice.

“I can’t keep doing
this,” I say quietly while fiddling with my fingers.  “You can’t do what
you did to me last night.  I have a boyfriend.”

“You don’t love
him.  You know we would be so good together
Em
,” he
says quietly.

“No.”  I shake
my head and keep my eyes on my hands.  “Please leave.”

“Talk to me,” he says
as he places his hand over mine.  I pull it out from underneath his.

“There’s nothing more
to say.”

“I’ve plenty more to
say.”  He leans forward on the couch and kisses me on the lips, I hesitate
a moment before pushing him away.

“Nick please
leave
.  I don’t want to see you again.”

We sit in silence for
what seems like an extremely long time and then he goes to the front door.

“You are a
hypocrite.  You know you feel this as much as I do.”  His voice rises
and he yells the next bit, “You kissed me back!”

I jump when the door
slams shut behind him and then finally let the tears come.

***

Seth arrives an hour
later.  I am dressed and feeling a little better when I see his face.

“I am so, so sorry
about last night,” he says, giving me a peck on the cheek and a firm hug.

“It’s fine.  You
want a drink?  I was just about to put the kettle on,” I say as I
pull away and walk to the kitchen.

“
Em
,”
he says, reminding me of Nick, Seth always calls me Emma.

“
Mmm
?”
  I fill the kettle with water.

“Are you mad at
me?  I would have come over last night but you told me not to.  What
time did you end up leaving the pub?”  When I don’t answer, because I have
no idea what time it was, he asks me another question, “You are mad, aren’t
you?”

“No Seth, I’m
not.  I was tired.  After I spoke to you I just came home and went to
bed.”  I lie; I didn’t even make it to bed.  I spent the night crying
on the couch, with very little sleep. 
Trying to sort
out my feelings for these two men in my life.