Finding My Way (56 page)

“You don’t look so
good,” he says, his voice laced with concern.

“Gee thanks,” I
say quietly and sedately.

“Here let me get
that,” he says kindly, taking the kettle from me.  “You go lie on the
couch,
I’ll bring you your tea.”

“I’m fine, just a
little tired and a bit hung over,” I say as I lean against the side of the
bench.

“I’m sorry the
meeting went so late,” he apologises again.  I hate him thinking my
mood is his fault.  I feel guilty that he has nothing to do with it. 
Well he does, just not in the way he thinks.

“So, how did it
go?” I ask needing a change of subject.  I do not want to think about
last night anymore.  He gives me a look that is not very happy. 
“Uh-oh, I take it the job interview didn’t go so well then?”

“Turns out it wasn’t
really an interview at all,” he says with a shrug.

“What do you mean?”

“They offered it to
me, the
position,
they just offered it to me.  A
six month contract,” he says staring blankly at the wall behind my head,
looking dumbfounded.

“What?  That’s
great news!”  I pause when I don’t see him smile.  I stand beside him
and put my arm on his.  “I thought this was what you wanted.  Why do
you look unhappy?”  He turns and looks me in the eye.

“The position is in
their Sydney office.  It was a waste of time. 
All
that re-scheduling of appointments, making me wait half the night, making me
miss your birthday, for what?
  Why didn’t they just tell me over
the phone in the first place that the job was in bloody Sydney?”

“You turned them
down?” I ask.

“Not yet.  But I
will.”  He could have said no on the spot, but he didn’t which means he
must have considered taking it.

“But it’s your dream
job!”

“But it’s in
Sydney!” he counters.

“You should take
it,” I urge.

“No I can’t move to
Sydney,” he says, shaking his head.

“It would only be for
six months.”

“Six months without
you or my family.  I can’t.”  I hate that he would turn a job down
because of me when I am so confused about how I feel.  This can’t be about
me or his family.  This is something he should do for himself.

“Tell me this.”
 
I pause until he is looking me in the eye,
“If this job was in Melbourne, would you take it?”

“In
a heartbeat.”

“See?  You want
this, you know you do.  You should take it.  Think of the doors this
opportunity could open.”

After a long moment
of silence, Seth turns towards me and puts his hands on my shoulders. 
“Come with me.”

“
What
?”

“I’ll take the job,
if you come with me.”

It feels like my
heart is getting ripped through my chest. 
Em
seemed so broken when I went to her apartment.  I’d never seen her quite
like that.  I have really ruined things this time.  This is so much
worse than ever before.  I give her some space for a couple of hours but
that afternoon I find myself walking to her apartment.  I cannot let her
go, not like this, not when I am so sure that she feels it too.  I just
have to convince her, make her see that I am the one for her.

When I knock on her
door
he
answers.

“Oh hey, Nick isn’t
it?” he says with a friendly smile.
 I hate him
. 
“The DJ right?”
 
Yep I’m just the DJ.

“Yeah
hey.
  Is
Em
here?” I ask through gritted
teeth.

“Yeah, but she’s
asleep, big night last night.”

Like he would
know, he didn’t even show for drinks
.  I look past him and see my
flowers still sitting in the vase on the bench, a reminder of just what
happened here last night.

“So she’s in
bed?” 
The bed she shares with him
.  I swallow at the
thought. 

“Yeah, sorry mate I
think she’ll be out cold for a while.  I’ll tell her you stopped by.”

“Okay thanks,” I
say and quickly walk away with clenched fists, hating the fact that Seth is in
her apartment.  That Seth is taking care of her.  That Seth is her
boyfriend.

It should be me.

She has made her
choice.

My eyes blink open
when I hear the bedroom door creak.  Light filters into the dark room and
I see Seth’s silhouette as he walks in.

“Hey
there sleepy head.
  How are you feeling?” he says as he takes
a seat on the edge of the bed.

“What’s the
time?” I
ask,
my voice thick with sleep.

“It’s almost
eight,” he says as he pushes some hair off my face.

“I can’t believe I
slept so long.”
 
I sit up and
stretch.  It’s a lie. 
When did I become so good at lying?
 Truth
is I’ve not slept long at all, probably only the last hour or so.  I’ve
spent all afternoon pretending to sleep, trying to get my head around
everything.  Trying to figure out what it is I want.

“I’ve got dinner
ready.  Are you hungry?”

“Starved.
 
I’ll be right out.”  I watch as Seth leaves the room.  I throw myself
back against the bed with a groan.  He asked me to move with him to Sydney
and my response was I’ll think about it.  It’s a lie; I’m not going to
think about that.  It’s an insane idea.

Even with having so
much in common, seemingly perfect for each other, it just doesn’t feel
right.  I care for Seth, but not enough to leave with him.  The
thought of moving away from my friends and family, to be with Seth makes my
heart ache.  I don’t love him. 
I should love him
.  I
care for him, but not enough to leave everything behind for him.  A new
city, just the two of us, it doesn’t feel right.

I close my eyes and
all I can see is Nick’s face, his bright blue eyes, the little crinkly lines
beside them when he smiles, his deep laugh that gives me tingles. 
His dimples.
  I don’t want to move away from him
either.  I feel like the lowest of scum for even factoring any feeling for
Nick into the equation.  It’s unfair to Seth, he deserves better. 
Things with Seth have progressed too fast, he pushed too hard and long distance
just won’t work either if my heart’s not in it.

I get out of bed and
make my way to the dining table.  I see the food that Seth has lovingly
prepared for me and I feel terribly guilty.  I can’t hurt him. 
I
don’t want to hurt him
.  Dad’s words from the wedding play over in my
head again, like they have all afternoon
“only
you know what is in your heart.”
 
I know I can’t be with Seth just because I
feel guilty.  I can’t stay with him in the hopes that things will somehow
work out, that one day I will fall in love with him.  He deserves better
than that. 
“Make the hard
choice.”

“What would you like
to drink? 
Hair-of-the-dog maybe?”
  Seth
chuckles as he looks through the contents of the fridge.  When I don’t
answer, he shuts the door and walks over to me.  “Hey, what’s wrong? 
Why are you crying?”

Until he said that I
didn’t realise that I
was
crying.  I sniff and wipe at my eyes. 
How am I supposed to say
this?

“Is this about the
move? 
Because I can do long distance.”
  He
tries to assure me as he walks towards me to give me a hug.  “While you’ve
been sleeping I’ve been thinking.  It was unfair of me to ask you to give
up your job and your life to come with me.  Sydney’s only like an hour’s
flight.  We can make it work.  It’s only for six months.”  He
brushes a tear away with his thumb and looks at me with such love and concern
that I begin to sob uncontrollably.

I shake my head as
the tears continue to roll down my face.

“No Seth I don’t want
to do long distance.”  I take a step back from him, shaking my head over
and over.  “I’m sorry.  I’m so, so sorry.”

When Emma said that
she didn’t want to have a long distance relationship with me there was a split
second where I thought she had decided to come with me to Sydney.  That
was before I saw the look on her face, the tears that told me I was wrong, so
wrong.  She was breaking up with me instead.  For the briefest of
moments I actually considered turning the job down for her, before the truth
dawned on me.  I came to the realisation that as much as Emma liked me it
just wasn’t enough.

What we had was out
of balance.  I had been chasing a dream that she didn’t see coming to
fruition with me.  From day one I had pushed and pulled Emma into a
one-sided relationship.  She just wasn’t on the same page as me.

This revelation cut
like a flame-heated knife to the heart, tearing down, down through my core,
totally gutting me.  How could this be happening? 
I love her
.

She doesn’t love
you.

How had I been so
blind until this point?

The silence in my
apartment is deafening.  Seth left hours ago, battered and broken and I am
seated at the dining table in front of our stone cold dinner.  I can’t
find the strength to move. 
“You
can’t force someone to love you,”
 he had yelled angrily and
bitterly, making me jump.
 
Then he
apologised, saying it was
all his
fault, that he
should never have pushed me into a relationship with him in the first place. 
I tried to tell him that it wasn’t his
fault, that
things just weren’t meant to be.  Then he argued that it was because I
didn’t open myself up to him fully and that he never even stood a chance.

At first I thought he
was right, but then I realised that I had tried, problem was I tried too hard
to make something work that simply couldn’t.  It wasn’t that I didn’t open
my heart; it was that my heart was never available to
him
.

I thought that Emma
was the one for me, but it turned out I wasn’t the one for her.  For some
reason I had a hard time seeing that, until she dumped me and woke me up to
reality.  I was so desperately lonely and looking for happiness that I was
blinded momentarily to the truth of that.  But I get it now.  You
cannot force these things and in the long run it wouldn’t have worked
out.  A relationship has to be equally balanced and eventually things
between us would have ended.  It probably would have hurt a hell of a lot
more if she had let things continue.  She probably saved me, truth
be
known, from a lot more heartache.  She also gave me
the push that was needed to go after this job.

I pull my chair in
and start my computer.  The morning sun is brightly shining down on my
oversized oak desk.  I turn my chair around to gaze out the large wall of
tinted windows onto the neighbouring buildings of the bustling city.  My
new office is on the seventeenth floor, and in the distance I can see a tiny
glimpse of Sydney Harbour Bridge.  It is day two of my dream job.

I signed the lease
for six months on my new furnished apartment.  It’s small but modern and
functional, and all mine.  I’ve taken the last couple of days to settle
in, get my bearings and unpack the few belongings that I brought with me.

Mum and Dad have
decided to bring
Tahlia
up at Christmas, which I’m
looking forward to.  Princess is already trying to convince them that Ryan
should come too, but I don’t think they are buying it.

Kevin and Beck
announced their engagement on my last night in Melbourne.  They haven’t
set a date yet, but I’m sure it will be soon.

Max bought a new car,
shaved off his beard and even went on a date.  He is currently looking for
a new housemate.

I glance around my
large office and sigh.  I don’t know a single soul in this city, but I am
looking forward to the challenges that lie ahead. 
A
whole new adventure.

My new boss, Jim pops
his head in the doorway.

“Seth, are you ready
to get started?”

Yes I am.

Sometimes I wish I’d
never met her. 
Em
broke my heart and I’d never
even truly given it to her.  We never even had a chance.  Yet there
are moments of clarity when I know that finding
Em
was the best thing to ever happen to me.

My goal was always to
travel overseas and live some big adventure, to discover more than this ‘box’
that we live in.  It still is and I’m leaving soon, but what I never
realised was that the adventure could be had right here too.

Em
did that, she took me out of that box.  She woke me up, shook my soul,
made me realise I do want more.  I want more out of this life.  I
want to have a proper relationship.  I want to be in love and maybe even
settle down one day.  She gave me a reason to look forward to that kind of
future.

I’ll always be
thankful for that.

I am a strong,
independent woman.  I can be on my own and be happy. 
Right?
  I am going to focus on me, my life.  In
the past year, I have put my happiness too much into the hands of the people
around me.  I was sitting back waiting for my career to work itself out,
until Julia pushed me.  I was pining for Josh until he moved on without
me.  I was interested in Seth until he reciprocated then I tried, and
failed, to make his happiness mine.