Finding Solace (30 page)

 
Me: YOU
STILL AWAKE?

 
Colt: SURE
AM. BUT MADDIE IS SLEEPING ON ME SO I CAN'T CALL.

 
DID YOU GET
MY GIFT?
DO
U LIKE IT?

 
Me: I GOT IT
BUT IT FEELS WEIRD OPENING IT WITH U THERE AND ME HERE.

 
Colt: PLEASE
JUST OPEN IT. I'M DYING HERE WAITING

 
Me: OK I'M
OPENING IT NOW

 
I set my
phone down and tore open the paper. It was a jeweler’s box. What could he
possibly have gotten me? When I opened the lid, I gasped. It was a gold chain
linked bracelet with only a single word in the middle made from sapphires,
"Stay." It was the most beautiful thing I have ever received. I
pulled it from the box and immediately put it on. I couldn’t help but stare at
how the word "Stay" shined and sparkled. The bracelet will remind me
now of that night forever. I imagined Colt having the store make it, what was
going through his mind. Maybe, just maybe that song held something for him as
well as
myself
. Tears fell from my eyes. Do we have a
chance? I looked over at my phone and saw the light blinking. Crap! I picked it
up and I had missed two texts from Colt.

 
Colt: SO?
DO
U LIKE IT?

 
Colt: DOES
NO RESPONSE MEAN U HATE IT?
U R KILLING ME SADIE.
TALK
TO ME

 
Shit! I
started typing right away.

 
Me: COLT, I
LOVE IT. I FORGOT ABOUT U. I'M SORRY. I JUST COULDN'T STOP LOOKING AT IT.
ITS
THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING EVER. THANK YOU

 
Colt: NO
SADIE U ARE THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING EVER. I'M GLAD U LIKE IT. MERRY CHRISTMAS

 
Me: MERRY
CHRISTMAS

 
I set the
phone down on the night stand and crawled under the covers hoping to dream
sweet dreams. Best Christmas Eve ever!

CHAPTER
30

 
Colt
came back the day after the New Year. I met him over at his place that night.
We were just sitting around sharing stories of our holidays. Of course I
thanked him in person for the lavish gift he got me before we got to the couch.
Maddie got the entire toy store from what he told me she opened. The time away
from him really allowed me to think about what little time I had left with him
before he graduated and went back to live there permanently. It scared me to
death. We only had five months. I came to the conclusion that I would just have
to make it the best five months of our lives. Colt was tired from his flight
and the fact he shared a bed with Maddie when he was home. Apparently she moves
and kicks a lot in her sleep. I surprised myself when I told him I was going to
go ahead and leave, but for him to get some rest and to give me a call
tomorrow. I missed him so much but there was something else I had to do.

 
I needed to
get ahold of Tony and I didn’t want to put it off any longer. He was still too
busy to meet me. I didn’t believe him any longer. Something was going on. So I
kissed Colt goodbye and drove to Tony’s house. He lived on the other side of
town in a posh subdivision. Being a lawyer really was hooking him up. Mike had
given me the address on New Year’s Eve when everyone was up at ‘51’ celebrating
and Tony was nowhere to be found. Mike told me Tony was so overwhelmed with
this case that he looks sick. He’s still not eating when he visits his family.
I told Mike I would go to him if he wouldn’t come to me.

 
I pulled
into his driveway and noticed his car was there. When I got out of my car, a
chill went all over my body. Since when do I get nervous around Tony? It is
Tony were talking about. I walked up the sidewalk and rang the doorbell. It
took a while but he finally answered the door. He looked awful. I never thought
he could look less than perfect. I was wrong.

 
"What
are you doing here, Sadie?"

 
"Is
that a way to greet your favorite girl?"

 
"Really
Sadie, why are you here?"

 
I pushed
past him and let myself in.

 
"I came
to see you. That is what happens when you avoid me. I invade your
privacy." He closed the door and followed me to the couch in his family
room that obviously was where he had been laying. A pillow and blanket were
spread across it. I chose a chair across the room leaving the possibility open
for him to lie back down if he needed. And he needed it. As soon as he was
close enough, he dropped back down and pulled the cover back over him.

 
"Are
you sick or something? Remember, I've had food poisoning lately so I'm feeling
your pain."

 
"It’s
something like that."

 
"Stress
breaks down your immune system you know. Maybe if you chilled out at work a
little, you would feel better."

 
"Thanks.
I will take that into consideration."

 
"Can I
get you anything? Are you able to eat? I could make you some soup, or a grilled
cheese sandwich? These are my favorite foods when I'm sick. Well, if I can keep
food down, that is."

 
"Sadie,
thank you for caring enough to
come
check on me but
really, what I need, is for you to leave."

 
"I
can't do that. You are all by yourself and you’re sick as a dog. I'm here until
you feel better. Like it or not."

 
"Sadie,
you can't help me. I will be fine. Really, I would walk you out but I don't
seem to have the energy. Come here and give me a kiss and then call me in a
couple days. I will be a lot better by then, I promise."

 
"Tony,
what is going on? And don't lie to me! I need you. I always thought if it came
down to it, you would need me too."

 
He didn't
say anything. His eyes filled with tears. And then he whispered, “I’m scared."

 
I was up and
out of that chair in no time. I sat on the floor at the end of the couch where
he laid his head. I brushed his hair back off his forehead and he was HOT.

 
"I'm
here now. You don't have to be scared. I will make it better."

 
"That's
just it, Sadie, you can't."

 
"What
aren’t you telling me?"

 
He went
quiet again. He took in a huge breath and then blew it out.

 
"I have
Leukemia."

 
What? NO,
NO, NO, NO, NO!

 
"How do
you know?"

 
"I am
on my second round of chemo therapy. This one is aggressively attacking it.
That's why I feel so bad. Good news is they think this will be it. If it works,
I could be in remission."

 
"I
don't understand. How long have you known? Why doesn't anyone else know?
Your family, Tony.
Your poor family.
They have been so worried about you."

 
"I
haven't known for that long. I just started getting bruises easily. It was
weird. Then I started getting sores in my mouth. I went to the doctor and they
ran blood work. When it came back positive, they immediately started treatment.
I didn't want to worry anybody. The doctors say it’s a mild form and in most
cases treatable with a high success rate."

 
"You
have to tell your family, Tony. That's what they're there for. They love you
and you need them right now as much as they need you. Keeping them in the dark
is what's scaring them the most."

 
"You're
the first person I've said the actual words to, other than the doctors.
Honestly, I just felt like if I didn't admit it, then it wasn't really
happening. My work only knows that I've been sick, not why. I've been dealing
with this for so long by
myself,
I really thought I
could get through it without having to worry anybody."

 
"Well,
you're not by yourself anymore. What is your parent’s phone number? I will call
them for you and tell them that they need to come over and you need to have a
conversation with them. I will even stay with you if you need me or even just
want me here. But I'm making this decision for you. You will tell your family
tonight. I will leave it up to you as far as your brothers go. Would you like
me to call them too?"

 
"Sadie,
I can't do this to them. It will kill them."

 
"You're
not doing this to them, Tony, the leukemia is. You're just as much a victim.
Don't put this on yourself. This is not your fault."

 
He just
nodded his head and looked at the ceiling. How can this be happening? I feel
like life has been a fucking soap opera lately. How many huge things can happen
in one lifetime? I thought back to the birthday party when he wouldn’t take a
drink of alcohol. Was he sick then? I wanted to cry. I wanted to scream. I
wouldn’t do either. Tony needed me and I will be damned if I make this worse on
him.

 
"What
is their phone number, Tony?"

 
He turned
back to look at me. The fear in his eyes broke my heart.

 
"Call
them all. If you're going to make me do this, I want all of them here so I only
have to say it one time."

 
He gave me
the phone number and I walked outside to make the phone calls. I called his
parents first. I had only met them the one time at Mike’s fight, but I was
lucky that they remembered me. At first, they didn’t understand why I would be
calling them in regards to Tony and then telling them that they needed to come
over to his house. I could sense the fear in their voices, but they did not
question me. They just said they were on their way. The boys were harder. They
questioned me a lot. I told them I didn’t have the answers that they needed,
they just should come over as soon as they could. I asked Jason to not bring
Heather. That really brought on more questions. I just told him it was a family
matter and that he could tell Heather later himself. He argued that Heather was
already considered family and I agreed with him, but I stayed firm on my
decision. Both boys said they were on their way. I hung up the phone and walked
back in to sit in the family room with Tony. I took my seat again on the floor
and this time just held his hand.

 
Twenty or so
minutes later, Mike walked in with Jason right behind him. When they took in
Tony on the couch, they immediately rushed over. Tony reassured them he was
going to be okay without divulging too much information. We all sat and waited
another ten minutes until their parents arrived. You would have thought his
mother's reaction to his appearance would have gotten to me. It did, don’t get
me wrong, but it was his dad that looked broken and it crushed my heart. There
is something about seeing a man that comes across so strong, breaking down. It
just hurts worse than anything. I said my hellos but I never got up from the
floor. I leaned up to whisper in Tony's ear, “I can go now if you'd like me
to?"

 
He squeezed
my hand and said, “Please stay." that was all he needed to say.

 
I sat there
quietly while Tony explained everything to his family. So many questions were
being thrown back and forth. Everyone in the room in the end was bawling their
eyes out. His parents decided that they wanted him to
come
stay with them through the remainder of his treatment. Tony reluctantly agreed.
His mother went to his room to pack up his things. His father stayed silent.
His brothers just sat there in a state of shock, with tears falling from their
faces. After a period of time, Tony's dad went to help his mom. When his
parents returned with his bags, Mike and Jason helped Tony up from the couch.
He argued that he didn’t need to be babied, but the boys argued back that he
needed to shut up and just let them do it. When everything was loaded in the
car, including Tony, I hugged them all and watched them drive away. I knew Tony
had his phone in his hand, so I sent him one last simple text

 
Me: U
HAVE
ME. EVEN WHEN U
DON'T
WANT ME.
I WILL ALWAYS
BE
THERE FOR U, REMEMBER. IT’S MY TURN.

CHAPTER
31

 
By
now everyone had found out about Tony. He finished his last round of chemo and
this time, his hair fell out. It ended up taking more rounds than the doctors
originally thought, but they believe the got it all this time. We all took
turns doing what we could for him, but I found myself taking on the bulk of the
responsibility. It wasn’t that I didn’t trust our
friends,
I just wanted to make sure it was done right. I think it was how I stumbled
into this that had me feeling a stronger attachment. Tony and I talked about
how crazy it was that I was the one he told first. He said, "It is only
because I didn't really care what you thought."
Asshole.