Finding Solace (56 page)

 
I was
getting very tired again and it showed. Jason and Heather said goodbye and then
I was sound asleep again.

 
The next
time I woke up, I heard Mike and Tony. What was so sad is that I didn’t want to
see Mike. I know Colt stayed with him that night and probably told him
everything. What if he says something? It was a drunken mistake. I couldn’t
lose Ash now or ever. I didn’t want to open my eyes, so I pretended to be still
asleep. It did not last long before Tony called me out on it.

 
"Are
you awake, girl? I saw your eyes flutter. Open them for me, please. I need to
see for myself you’re okay."

 
How could I
not? This was Tony, after all.

 
I opened
them and looked right up into his gorgeous face.

 
"There
you are."

 
He grabbed
me into a hug. When he let go, I looked over at Mike. He came over and hugged
me even tighter.

 
"Good
to see you again, Sadie. You scared all of us to death."

 
"I'm
sorry."

 
"As
long as you’re okay, that's all that matters."

 
"Thank
you guys for coming. It means a lot to me."

 
Tony grabbed
my hand. "I wouldn't have let anyone keep me away. You’re very special to
me. By the way, I don't know why you went to Ash’s, but thank you for that
choice. Had you gone home, it could have been a different outcome. Who would
have found you and how much more time would it have taken?"

 
That thought
never occurred to me. I just wanted Ash. That was all that kept going through
my head.

 
"I just
needed him. That's all I kept thinking."

 
Ash came
over and kissed me.

 
"I need
you too."

 
Mike never
did bring up Colt, thank God. He and Tony stayed for a couple of hours laughing
and joking around with Ash and me. I mentioned something about moving in with
Ash and Mike's head popped up in question, but he never vocalized anything.
They left a little while after, making sure they gave me kisses and hugs before
they went.

 
A different
nurse that came in said I needed to go have some final tests run. A CAT scan or
MRI or both, I'm not sure anymore, they had run so many. I said goodbye to Ash
and my parents and then was wheeled off. I asked the nurse if the tests came
back normal, would I be able to go home. She said it would be up to the doctor.
Great! I just wanted to go home.

 
After the
tests were run, they wheeled me back to my room. Ash and my dad were gone,
which left only my mom.

 
"How
did the tests go? Can she come home now?"

 
"Ma’am,
the doctor will read the results and get with you as soon as possible. I
understand your eagerness to leave, but it is Sadie’s health we are most
concerned with."

 
"Are
you insinuating my daughter’s health isn't important to me?"

 
 
"Mom, stop. They weren’t saying that at
all." Then I looked at the nurse and said, "Thank you very much and I
appreciate all your help." She looked away from my mother, then at me,
then
walked out of the room.

 
"Mom,
calm down. I will be released soon. There was something else I wanted to talk
to you about also. Um, Ash and I are moving in together when I get out of
here."

 
"Really?
I didn't realize you wanted that yet. What
about Colt?"

 
"What
about Colt?"

 
"Are
you really done with that whole thing? He looked so upset the other day
that..."

 
"Wait,
what? What about the other day? When did you see Colt?"

 
"I saw
him here. He came in to see you."

 
"Was
Ash here?"

 
"No. I
had sent him home for a shower. Little booger fought with me over it too. He didn't
want to leave your side."

 
"Colt
was here?
In this room?
Did he say anything?"

 
"No. He
just cried. It was very sad to watch. As much as he cares for you and I know
you cared about him, are you sure of what you’re doing? That's all that I'm
asking."

 
"Do you
think I'm making a mistake?"

 
"Do
you?"

 
"No, I
really don't. I love Ash. So
much Mom
. It feels
right." Not to mention Colt will never be ready to commit. I don't need to
commit to anybody but I want to with Ash. That's what matters.”

 
"Well then,
Sadie girl, your dad and I will help you pack. We will always support
you."

 
"Thank
you, Mom. Ash is a great man."

 
"Yes he
is, and you are lucky to have each other."

 
"That
we are."

 
"That
we are what?" My dad walked in the door, followed by Ash.

 
"Losing our daughter to this man here.
He stole her
heart it seems, and now they are going to be living together."

 
"Oh, I
knew that. He asked for my blessing. Good boy he is, Sadie."

 
"I know,
Dad, believe me, I know."

 
"Alright,
you all are killing me over here. Stop being so nice, you’re making me blush
and I'm a man for goodness sake."

 
We all
laughed. He was a very good man. I was proud to call him mine.

 
That night
the doctor came in to give us the results. Everything read
good
,
but he wanted me to stay one more day, just to be sure I didn't overdo it. My
parents were hoping for better news because they wanted me released yesterday.
I, on the other hand, was okay with one more night. I was anxious to get my
stuff over to Ash's and begin to call it home but I knew my health was more
important. If the doctor believes I need one more night, what is a night? I
have a lifetime ahead of me with Ash. He wouldn’t leave by the way. He slept in
the hospital bed with me the whole night. As soon as he climbed in and held me
as only he can do, I was out.

CHAPTER
46

 
Do
you have any idea how much fuss can be made over one person? This was
ridiculous. My parents wanted to do everything their way, Ash wanted to do
everything for me. Tony wanted them to let me do it myself, and Heather didn't
want anyone doing anything.

 
Once I was
released from the hospital, I decided I wanted one last month with my girl in
the apartment. Heather thought it was a great idea, so she left Jason's for one
month. We did everything we could together. Hands down, it was the best 30 days
we ever had with each other.

 
It was the
last weekend of our sabbatical so packing it all up was a necessity. Who knew
we could collect so much crap? Between Heather’s work schedule and mine, we
never seemed to do it together. Ash bought out our lease, behind my back. I
wasn’t mad like you would
think,
just irritated he
wouldn’t let me do it myself. His need to take care of me had gone overboard.
All of it was done with love though. It was his way of coping with the fact he
almost lost me. I was the cause of that feeling, so I was doing my best to ride
it out.

 
My parents
agreed with Ash's behavior, but went even more overboard. They insisted we get
professional packers and movers. I put my foot down on that one.

 
I made one
huge mistake. I will never forgive myself for the stupidest decision that could
have cost me so much more. Charges were never filed. I was sure somehow I would
get caught, but I didn’t. Luck is not even descriptive enough of a word. What
if I had hit another car? What if I hurt someone other than myself? Life took
on a whole new meaning for me. I was blessed with a chance to make the right
decisions from now on, and I was hell bent on doing just that.

 
Tony was
still disappointed with me. He knew the whole story from Mike. Nothing made it
excusable. All it would have taken was one phone call to him, and he was right.
So with that attitude, he wanted me to suffer. Not be pampered, as he put it.
Don’t get me wrong, he still loved me. He was just always the more realistic
friend I had.

 
Heather,
where do I begin? The closer we got to the end of our lease, the more she
panicked. She wouldn’t pack. In fact, she would unpack when I was not home. I
think it scared her that this part of our life was coming to an end. I
understood and felt the same way. We were always together, even when we
weren’t. I tried reassuring her that I would not let that part change. No
matter what, she was my girl always.

 
The plan was
to have everything boxed, so that on the final big day we only needed to rent
one truck. It was the day before the big move, so I had taken the day off.
Whereas, Heather and Ash didn’t.
That left it up to me to
check every closet, cabinet and the basement for anything we over looked. I was
on my final walk through of the basement, when I heard the door upstairs open.
As I climbed the stairs I yelled, “So you decided to take off work and help me
after all?" When I got to the top and turned the corner, I found someone I
have never in a million years thought I would see again in my house. Colt was
in my kitchen.

 
"Hey there, beautiful."

 
"Uh.
Hi."

 
"So
you’re really going to do this, huh?"

 
"If by
this, you mean move, then yes, I am."

 
"Sadie,
please don't. Please hear me out before you make this choice."

 
"Colt,
I..."

 
"I love
you. I have always loved you. I will always love you. You and me, we somehow
together make sense. We always have. There is something between us that is
special. You will never find it with him or anyone else. Not like what we have
together. Trust me, I am older than you. I have met so many more people in my
life. No one had ever made me feel the way that you do, no one ever could. You
make me feel alive and so fulfilled." Tears were running like a flash
flood down my face and his. "I didn't want you to not experience life. The
one thing I felt I robbed myself of, was the one thing I wouldn't take from
you. I wanted you to have those years to make choices and mistakes, to meet and
experience other people. But in the end, I had faith that no matter how hard I
pushed you away, what we had between us wouldn't break. It still hasn't. Sadie,
I was there the night of your accident, remember? I was on the other end of
that kiss. You can push me away and tell me you don't feel for me what you did,
but I know you’re lying to me and yourself. I felt it. I don't know why you are
so hell bent on denying that what we have is still real and alive, but it is.
I'm so in love with you, Sadie. You will always be my girl,
my
everything
. Let me give you everything. Let me make you the happiest
girl in the world." He dropped to one knee and pulled out the most
exquisite ring I had ever seen. "Let me make you my wife. I want to hold
you in my arms forever. I will never let you go again. I will take care of you
and give you everything you have ever wanted. I want to make babies with you. I
want to have a piece of our love in my arms to hold. I want forever with you.
Please, my beautiful girl, make me the happiest man in the world and be my
wife."

 
When I
didn’t respond right away, he stood and walked toward me. I could not stop
gasping for breath. I was crying so hard I could barely breathe. Everything I
ever prayed for just happened. He loved me. I could be his wife. My happily
ever after was there in front of me.

 
"Colt,
I can't believe this is happening. You have always felt this way? Why didn't
you say anything? Why did you leave?"

 
"I
never wanted to make you feel like you didn't have a choice. By not admitting
my feelings, I knew you were with me because you wanted to be. Every minute of
every day we were together, it was because you wanted it.
As
far as me leaving?
Ash is the answer to that. I knew about him. I wanted
you to see that life with someone else was different than what we have. I
couldn't stay here and bear witness to it though. I asked you to come visit me
so I could tell you everything and beg you to stay. I want you there with me.
When you didn't respond to my message and then Bryan came in town, it was the
perfect opportunity. That night I didn't force you to choose. We came together
like we always have.
Because we just fit."

 
"Colt,
I have always wanted this to happen. Having an US was always my dream. This is
just too hard to process all at once. I have Ash now. I just don't know what I
want anymore, is that wrong?" I sounded like a blubbering idiot but I just
couldn’t process all of this happening to me.

 
"No,
beautiful, it’s not at all. I was of course hoping that it would be easy, that
you would throw yourself in my arms and scream "YES" at the top of
your lungs. But that's not real life. I didn't give you all that time to force
you now to make a decision. You have every right to think about this. Take your
time; just know at the end of the day, I will be here waiting for you,
always."

 
He grabbed
me and kissed me with more passion than he ever had, and then turned and walked
out the door.

 
 
I fell to my knees in the same spot I had been
standing. What was I going to do? I loved both of them. What kind of person can
I be if I was in love with two different men? How could this be happening to
me? I sat on the floor making a pros and cons list in my head. It was the only
thing that I could think of to help me make a decision. Childish, I know
already! I just could not make up my mind. This should not have been that hard.
Which one did I want to be with? The tears never stopped flowing. Time never
stood so still. One second it seemed Colt was walking out my door. The next,
Ash was walking in, finding me on the floor balling my eyes out.

 
"Sadie,
honey, what happened? What's wrong?"

 
I just
looked up into his perfect eyes. The eyes I imagined so many times seeing in my
forever after. What could I possibly say to him? With my silence he said,
"Please, talk to me. Did something happen?"

 
"I'm
not sure I can move in with you, Ash."

 
Where that
came from, I do not know. Was that me making a decision involuntarily?

 
"He
found you, didn't he?"

 
"Wait.
What?
Who?"

 
"Colt,
you saw him today, didn't you? You don't have to answer me, I already
know."

 
"How
could you have known?"

 
"Because
he is the only person that could make you doubt what we have together. I saw
the texts from that night on your phone. When I had them collect your car from
my house to get it fixed, I got everything out of it. I wasn't trying to find
what I found, I swear. I have always trusted you. I was looking for anything
that might help me understand why it all happened. Then I came across his
texts."

 
"I
didn't see any when I got my phone back."

 
"I
deleted them. I have felt like shit ever since I hit delete thread. If there
was a go back button, believe me I would have used it. It wasn't my place or my
choice to make. I know you were with him that night. I also know you changed
your mind, left him and came to me. I felt with that, you had made your
decision finally and you chose me. All this time I knew you never got the
closure you needed. If you had him in front of you and still wanted me, then
why would you need to see texts saying he's sorry and that he loves
you.
He should be sorry! He let you go!"

 
"Ash, I
need time. Can you give me that, please?"

 
"I can
and will. But everything in me is telling me not to walk out that door. I love
you more than I will ever love anything in my life. From the moment I met you,
I have pictured a forever with you. I need you to know that. You own me. I want
a chance, Sadie, a chance at sharing my life, with you."

 
He picked me
up and hugged me until I stopped crying. Then with one final peck he walked to
the door. He turned around one last time and said, "It is my time to
shine." And then turned back around and closed the door behind him.

 
I melted to
the floor all over again. What was I going to do? I was no closer to making a
choice than I was five hours ago. Hearing Ash explain the texts I wondered, if
I had read them would it have made a difference? Then I remember running from
them. My accident was stemmed from trying to reach for the phone to shut it
off. Would they have made any difference at all? I wanted Ash. He was right. I
had Colt in my arms and I left. When I was hurt and scared, I ran for Ash.
Nothing felt as good as hearing Colt confess his feelings finally, but hasn’t
Ash been doing that all along? Then again, Colt had reasons I knew now and
understood. I loved them both so much. Colt and I have been through so much. He
helped me see myself with value and helped me build self-worth. He did not do
it for me. He forced me to do it myself. He always brought out the best in me.
I did truly love them both. I made my decision right then and there. I also
knew someone was going to get hurt. Truthfully, I knew it was going to kill me
to let him go. But I had to go with my heart. Now was the moment I had to find
him and tell him.

 
I texted him that I needed to talk.
I didn't say anything
leading him to know my choice. I got in my car and drove to where he said he
was. As I drove I could not help but think. Could I do this? Did I ever really
give him a chance? Would he understand that I needed to see if my dreams really
would end up coming true? Or would he hate me for leading him on. For falling
in love with him even though I was never willing to give it a real shot. After
I got out of my car and got to the door of ‘51’ I paused. "I can do this.
I have to do this. I can't do this. I can't hurt him. I have to."

 
When I
opened the door, he was sitting at the front bar. Flashbacks of us sitting
right where he was hit me. So many memories I have of this place with us. A
smile spread across my face. What ever happened, this man gave me some great
memories.

 
"Hey
girl, that didn't take long."

 
"Colt,
I had my decision made a long time ago. I just didn't know it until you came to
my house today. I have loved you for so long. Through the good and the bad, I
have loved you. I will always love you."

 
"Why
does this sound too good?
Like you’re about to break my
heart?"

 
"Because I am about to break your heart.
Colt, you are
so amazing. You’re everything I thought I wanted. That's even wrong. You’re
everything I needed at the time. You were my support, my rock, my best friend,
my sex God. There wasn't anything you weren’t, except for mine. We made a
foolish agreement. For two years. That is a long time. Even then, the last time
I slept with you Colt, with that stupid agreement intact, I know you were
telling me you loved me. You let me feel everything you had in you. And you
still left. Why wouldn't you have asked me to go with you then? I would have.
I'm not trying to say that this is your fault. Do you have any idea how many
times I thought about confessing my feelings? I failed too. I'm not saying we
couldn't have worked. What I need you to understand is that I have to see where
Ash and my story
goes
. He and I deserve a real chance.
He loves me, Colt. You told me I would never find what we have, and you were
right. What I have with Ash is so different, but it is just as special. I owe
it to Ash and myself to give it my best shot. Can you understand that it’s not
because I don't love you, but because I'm in love with him?"

 
He grabbed
my hands, looked in my eyes and said, "You really were never mine, were
you?"

 
"You
held my heart, but never claimed it as yours. So the answer has to be, no, I
wasn't. But I always felt I was."