Finding the Thing Within (10 page)

***

When Rosario arrived home, it was already dark. He was tired but curious to see if he had any messages.

“Last night I went out with two friends and Silvana, who’s liked me for a while. We went for pizza at Monreale. The evening went quietly...maybe too quietly! I thought about you all night...at certain points I wanted you to phone. I imagined my speaking tone in front of the others, I called you around ten but your phone was off. I want you to know my friends, not to always have to tell lies about being with you, and I thought of how I would introduce you, to explain how we met and the rest...

I’m really confused about things for lots of reasons...it’s difficult to deal with such a complex situation...two worlds in parallel, running on two distinct tracks. And it’s hard to accept who you are and understand yourself well....I still don’t properly understand my homosexual side, I don’t know exactly what it is that attracts me to men...you’re right when you say that with my friends I pretend to be more male in all respects, and stupidly say “shit she’s hot!” when girls pass...I just don’t do this with men...I hardly ever see a nice-looking man and say “shit, he’s hot too”...or anyway it doesn’t happen as often as it does with women...I’m not really so affected by the first impression of a person unless there's very apparent attractive personality...

I hope you understand what I mean. I’m sorry that you sometimes feel like an outlet for my repression...this gets to me a bit because my feelings are so real and as you say I could have a hundred ways to get someone hot beside me, to escape from my parallel existence and I don’t think that you are away... or at least only escape from the daily grind...whether you understand it or not, it’s a world I belong to in every way, not just a hypocritical coverstory...there is hypocrisy...and, just as there is in anything, I realize this...as I was saying the other day, everyone has a hidden world that others can’t really understand and never will. At this point in my life I the people around me aren’t ready to understand or accept my other world. They wouldn’t understand my decision, and it would cause me a lot of shit...

I still don’t have a full life, independent, free from limits and all this because I still don’t have the necessary base that would let me make my choices in life freely without worrying about the consequences. You are much more to me than just a window onto my parallel existence...until now I’ve only known men without depth and even if they did they didn’t accept their gay side. You are the first person I’ve been able to speak to as a friend. And you make me laugh and feel good as a lover. You are the first with whom I’ve been able to be a man who likes being with another man...

I’m not feeling too stable, and you definitely help me staying near and giving me your love, you’re a precious asset and I don’t want to lose you...and about me leaving, well this is just what I’m saying now, who knows when I’ll graduate what will happen in my life and on what roads my choices will take me...everything is still to be seen…I hope that all these words are not lost on you...it’s time I went back to studyin...kisses...Carmen Consoli’s “The Last Kiss” and it’s such a nice tune. I don’t think this is my last kiss though. I love you. Your Lorenzo.”

He read it twice and his eyes welled a single tear. Lorenzo really liked him, and he was starting to love him but his heart still hadn’t thawed entirely. He went to bed and thought about it all night.

***

The following day he went to the beach knowing that Lorenzo wouldn't be there because of other commitments. That outlying part of the beach was known as a dangerous place because of the many men, who in addition to a simple swim, were looking for sex.

Rosario had adventures every time he went there alone, since others would lead him on and he would let himself be lead on. Rosario found the rock he defined as his rock; it was comfortable. Years earlier someone had covered the area in cement to level off the uneven rocks. And he was always annoyed if someone had taken the spot. However he had arrived early and found it free. Shortly a young guy approached and settled on a nearby rock, and threw eloquent glances at him. He was nice and Rosario had to be strong and to resist him until eventually the boy gave up and wandered off.

There would be other repressed temptations that afternoon. It would be hard, but he didn’t want to be unfair with Lorenzo, who really loved him and confided in him. Perhaps he really was beginning to fall in love with him too, he still didn’t really understand or maybe he did, but he avoided thinking about it. He didn't want to admit that something inside him really was changing. In any case, Sunday held nothing. Lorenzo called, asked him how he was and confirmed the appointment the following day for the blood test.

***

As usual Rosario was punctual but Lorenzo arrived twenty minutes late, but he expected it now and wasn’t angry.

“Why do you want to do this test?” the doctor asked

Rosario.
“I’ve had relations with other men.”
“People you know?”
“No! I didn’t know them, but now I’m with someone

and want peace of mind.”
“Ok, and were you sexually protected in these rela
tions, safe?”
“No! Because I don’t think I have anything.” “Then why you are having a test then, if you’re so
sure?” “Well, it’s also for my boyfriend.”
“Ok, accommodate yourself in the waiting room.” He emerged and met Lorenzo, who asked him what
they had asked him
“Nothing, a bunch of crap.”
“And you what did you say?”
“That I’m with you!”
“You’re an idiot.”
“Why, isn’t it true?”
Lorenzo was called in and Rosario went to have his
blood taken. When Lorenzo came out, Rosario asked him
how it had gone.
“I lied, I said that I wanted the test because I had
been with a prostitute, do you think they write it somewhere? What if it gets out?”
“Calm down, no one will find out or ask you any
more questions. Go and have your blood taken.” Knowing
that the results could be collected three days later and that
one of them pick them up for both, Lorenzo asked Rosario
go and get them. He asked him to call as soon as he got
the results. On Wednesday morning, Rosario went to the
pick them up and although his was ready, Lorenzo's would
be brought in soon, more waiting. He read his, which was
obviously negative, given that he was never overly reckless in his licentiousness.
Shortly after, they gave him Lorenzo’s results. He
opened the envelope and of course these were negative, it
would have been crazy, given Lorenzo relative chastity.

Then the germ of an idea formed in his mind,
Why not play a joke on him?
With great care he falsified the results

sheet on his computer at home by changing the word negative for positive and requesting that he apply for another test. Sure of its effectiveness, he called Lorenzo and asked him when he could come over to give his the envelope. When asked to read them over the phone, Rosario refused categorically, “It’s not right that I open such a private document.”

So Lorenzo invited him to come to his basketball game that afternoon and to bring the results.

Part 12

The game was supposed to start at six-thirty and Rosario was there by six, thinking that he might get a chance to speak to Lorenzo before the match started. He arrived punctually, half an hour late, but luckily the game was starting late and so there were no problems. Rosario watched him play feeling glad he had found such a guy, so attractive, charming, sporty, and masculine. He was very good and played well, but his team mates made several mistakes that lost the match. They quarreled amongst themselves afterward, blaming each other for the defeat. Rosario went up to him commenting on why they had lost but he was fuming.

“Look, it’s better that we go somewhere, I’m too angry, did you bring the results?”
“Yes, but are you sure you want to read it now?”
“Yes give me it so I don't have to think of that pieceof-shit game they just made me play, did you see how they played? Did you see how they kept messing up?”
“I don’t really understand the game so I couldn’t see the mistakes.”
“Alright, whatever.”
He opened the envelope. Rosario looked at him straight in the face and saw it change, his eyes widened and his face went white, without saying a word, he handed the paper to Rosario.
“Read it!”
Rosario played along.
“Is something wrong?” He pretended to read what he already knew and tried not to laugh. Lorenzo wanted to cry. He would have liked to keep it going for a while but couldn't help bursting into laughter.
“Listen, don’t worry, it’s all just a joke.”
“A joke?”
“Yes I modified the results on the computer.” “You asshole! What?”
“I just wanted to play a joke on you.”
“What kind of fucking joke is that? I was having a heart attack. I was already pissed off about the game and now you do this.”
“It was just for a laugh.”
“It’s just you laughing, asshole!”
“Ok I’m sorry, come on, you want me to get on my knees here in the street? I’ll do it!”
“Come on, stupid, maybe if I hadn’t been so angry anyway, I might not have reacted that way.”
“Have you got your car?”
“No I came with a team-mate, can I get a ride with you?”
“Of course.”
Then they set off.

***

Federico de Giorgi, the Giorgia Dagnino’s partner, was 47 year old, very friendly and had nice blue eyes. Pity he was short, five foot-two inches. But the politeness and friendliness made up for it. He worked at the bank in a managerial position. Rosario knew he worked at the bank but was still surprised to see him when he went to pay his bills. “What are you doing here?” said Frederico laughing.

“Hi Fed, so it’s here that you work?”

“Yes, didn’t you know? Listen, since you’re here, can I ask you something.”
“Of course,” said Rosario.
“In a few days it’s Giorgia’s birthday and I wanted to get her a new phone. Since you're in the field, what would you recommend?”
“It just depends on what you want to spend!”
“You decide. It just has to be a good phone, I was thinking about the Nokia 8850.”
“But it costs a fortune! Why don’t you get her a video camera, I know she wanted one.”
“No, I’d prefer to get her the phone.”
“Listen, I’ll find out more and let you know.”
“Do you want to get coffee?”
“Why not?”
“I’ll meet you at the bar opposite in five minutes.”
The bar had tables outside and Rosario sat waiting for Federico who arrived soon thereafter.
“What’ll we get?”
“Didn’t you say coffee?”
“Well you might want something else.”
“Was there something to say to me Federico? I don’t think that you invited me to here just for coffee, right?”
“I see that you’re perceptive...You know Giorgia and I are in love and go really well together.”
“But?”
“But as you know she’s older than me, she’s been married, divorced and is even a grandmother.”
“Go on.”
“Well, sometimes I get doubts about this relationship continuing.”
“Yes, but why are you telling me?”
“Because you’re her best friend and know her well. Do you think you could talk to her and maybe try and find out if she really loves me as she says she does?”
“You want me to be your agent?”
“No! I’m not saying that, but I do want to know if she’s with me out of convenience or really loves me! And you're the only one who can find out. Will you do me this favor?”
“And the phone? Or was that just an excuse?”
“No, I really wanted to buy it, what do you think?”
“Let me think about it and we'll talk.”

***

Rosario really wanted Lorenzo to be fully a part of his life, to meet all his friends and go out all together with them. He asked Giorgia to invite them over so that she could talk to him and get to know him. Giorgia went along with the plan and asked them to come when she knew there would be no one at home so as to put Lorenzo at ease.

Giorgia's house was on the third floor of a small flat in the city center and when they entered she welcomed Lorenzo and he sat with Rosario in the drawing room.

“Thanks for coming,” said Giorgia to Lorenzo.

“Thank you for inviting me, Rosario insisted we pay you a visit saying you have a lot to show me.”
He looked at the walls of the apartment, covered in the many interesting pictures and objects she had collected on her travels. There were wooden masks, sculptured elephants, swords, detailed carvings and various artifacts. Each collected item held, for Giorgia, a memory of where and when she had bought it and Lorenzo was fascinated.
A table held a bowl full of exotic shells and five bottles filled with various colored sands. There was white sand from the Maldives, extremely fine sand from Rio and deep red sand from Kenya and Tanzania. Giorgia, seeing Lorenzo's interest in her collection, assured him that that wasn't all of it. He followed her into another room and the walls here were equally laden with ethnic curiosities. A small pickled shark immediately grabbed Lorenzo’s attention and he noticed with increasing wonder a blow-fish and a large buffalo skull.
“Sorry Giorgia,” said Lorenzo, “But how on earth do you manage to get to sleep with all this on the walls?”
“I a little strange at first but I soon got used to it.”
“What does Federico say about it all?” asked Rosario.
“He didn’t use to like them but when I told him that nothing would make me take them down, he came to accept it and now he even helps me arrange them when I get new pieces. Shall we go through?” Rosario sat back on the sofa, and taking Lorenzo’s hand, invited him to sit next to him. At first he went stiff, looking anxiously at Giorgia. She understood and told him that she didn't mind in the slightest. The evening progressed and they spoke of various topics until Giorgia turned to Lorenzo and asked:
“Do you really love Rosario? Because he’s never really had a long-term relationship, he’s new to it all and you have to be sincere with him and not let him down.”
“Why do you say that?”
“Because you’re so much younger than he is and with time, that difference is only going to get worse. You’ll maybe get tired of him and easily find someone else but for him...”
“To be honest, it was he who said that he just likes me and there’s nothing serious between us.”
“Listen, I know Rosario well and I know that he’s never got attached to anyone. At the beginning of our friendship he was afraid that even our relationship would impinge on his freedom.”
“Don’t exaggerate,” put in Rosario.
“I’m not exaggerating, it's the truth. You thought that us being friends amounted to a kind of emotional slavery that could threaten your liberty. Then, when you saw that I wasn't a danger that you could talk to me...confide in me, express yourself freely; you began to let yourself go and trust me. This is why, dear Lorenzo, I might seem to come across as a bit harsh with you. I love him like a brother and if you ever feel like you’re going to have to hurt him, leave him straight away.”
Rosario was moved, he knew that Giorgia was a special friend but he had never seen her so passionate in his defense.
“Don’t worry,” said Lorenzo, “That won’t happen, at least not on my part. I should be the one worrying, what with his Libertine lifestyle. Today I opened up just a little with my best friend Tullio, after Rosario suggested it.”
The conversation went on in a similar vein until they decided that it was getting late and they should say goodnight.