Finding the Thing Within (7 page)

***

His father was already sick. He had lung cancer and had only been given a number of months to live. In March of 1999, he died without Rosario thinking of the old woman and the cards. He never forgot, however, about what was supposed to happen when he was 47. Still nothing had happened and the second half of the year was starting. Did his meeting Lorenzo in June of that year mean something? But Rosario wasn’t in love with Lorenzo, not that he didn’t care about him. And could that supposed windfall be in some way connected with his patent. He was skeptical but there were so many strange events taking place. It had been over a year since he had last spoken to Rosy, so one day he called her:

“Hi Rosy, how’s it going?”

“Rosario! Hello! How long has it been? Right, I’ve gotten married am pregnant with twins.”
“Are you serious?”
“Yes it’s true! Remember the old woman with the cards said it would happen?”
“Although didn’t she say they would be male twins?”
“Well they’re still twins. Anyway how are you? Have you found the love of your life yet?”
“That’s exactly why I’m calling. I’ve met someone and we’ve been going out a lot together…and we get on really well.”
“Well, that must be him then!”
“What? No! You know I still don’t believe in that rubbish. When are you due, Rosy?”
“Mid-September.”
“Right, tell me as soon as they’re born. I’ve got to go. Love you babe, ciao!”
He was left thinking for a moment but didn’t know what to think. So many coincidences were happening all at once, especially now what with the news of Rosy’s twins. It was not what he had needed to hear now, not at all.

***

Now he was seeing Lorenzo far more often and they were both coming to share ever more of themselves; their thoughts, moods and their intimate confessions. The days passed breezily and Rosario even told him about the encounter with the Tarot cards, mainly to see his reaction. He finally came to know Lorenzo’s surname, La Croix. He was Lorenzo La Croix and his ancestors were French.

“One of these days you should come to the country with me, I’ve got a little cottage there.”
“What for?”
“Officially, we’d be going to collect cherries and water the olive trees, do you fancy it?”
“And ‘unofficially’?” and he gave Rosario a wicked smile.
“Unofficially, we could see if it’s possible to get us both into a single bed.”
“Tomorrow’s Saturday, let’s go tomorrow!”

***

Rosario’s place in the country was near Misilmeri, 20 kilometres from Palermo. It was ultimately reached by a few kilometres of disconnected roads. His father had built the house with great sacrifice, also in economic terms. It had originally been built entirely of wood and had been little bigger than a room, then with the years other rooms had been added on and the walls were built up with stone.

Until his death, his father would come here every weekend and had a real passion for the place. He would set off early Saturday morning and be back on Sunday night, except in summer when Rosario was also out of the house, being at the beach. At these times Rosario’s mother didn’t want his father leaving her alone at home all day long. Since his death, Rosario had only been there a few times a year. So it was obviously in a bad way, the weeds had grown into giants and the house was full of spider webs. Rosario apologized for the state of the place, brushed the dust from a bed and lay down a clean sheet. He lay down and beckoned Lorenzo to do the same. They leapt at each other and kissed passionately; they hugged and rolled around, one on top of the other. At a certain point Lorenzo groaned:

“Take me! I want to be yours.”

Rosario penetrated him. Rosario was in ecstasy and yelled with the force of his joy, and his pleasure. It was hot and they were soon bathed in sweat. Afterwards, Lorenzo purred:

“You drove me wild; you really know what you’re doing.”
“Well, I suppose years of experience have got to account for something, no?”
They lay back and hugged, and looked at each other’s eyes. They stayed like that, in silence for some time, when Rosario noticed a glimmer of sadness in Lorenzo’s eyes.
“What is it? What’s the matter? You look sad. Do you regret that we did it?”
“No, in fact I’m happy about that.”
“Well it doesn’t seem it. What is it? Tell me.”
“I guess I was just thinking about us. What kind of future could we possibly have, you 47 and me 24, we live in different worlds. I live in a world where everyone is straight, the rest of the guys on the team are all straight. It’s not the easiest situation.”
“They wouldn’t think I was gay at all though, I don’t look gay, and so I couldn’t hurt your male dignity.”
“Yeah, but all the same they can’t see us together, though, because I wouldn’t know how to introduce you. They’d ask what I was doing with an older man and I wouldn’t know how to answer. Where would I have met you? Obviously I can’t say that I met you on a gay forum. Neither can I say that I know you from university or that I know you from basketball, you don’t have the figure. It’s a nightmare just thinking.”
“Don’t go thinking about it all now. It’s not like we have to get married. We said that we would live it for what it is and take each day as it comes,” and he touched and kissed him until he was smiling again.
“You know, I’m really starting to like you.”
“Me too, it’s just the situation…”
“Anyway let’s talk about it another time. Now we need to actually water the trees and this way we kill two birds with one stone.”
“Ok, let’s go.” And they went.

***

Rosario was unsettled all the way there and back . The talks with Lorenzo had disturbed him. He hadn’t, until that point, considered any of the quite valid problems raised by Lorenzo. But then, deep down, he still didn’t really believe it was going to go beyond sex. And that was fine by him. Sooner or later they would get tired of each other and it would fizzle out. He knew himself to get easily tired of things and thought that this would be no exception.

“What happened? Now it’s you looking all thoughtful.”
“Nothing, I was thinking about what we were talking about before and thinking that really there’s nothing to worry about at all,” and as if to prove it, burst into an aria:

“
Questa o quella per me pari sono
A quant’altre d’intorno mi vedo.
Del mio core l’impero non cedo,
Meglio ad una che ad altra beltà.
La costoro avvenenza e qual dono
Di che il fato ne infiora la vita:
S’oggi questa mi torna gradita
Forse un’altra, forse un’altra doman lo sarà. La costanza, tiranna del core,
Detestiamo qual morbo crudele.
Sol chi vuole si serbi fedele:
Non v’ha amor, no no, se non v’è libertà. De ‘mariiti il geloso furore.
Degli amanti le smanie derido:
Anco d’argo I cent’occhi disfido,
Se mi punge, se mi punge una qualche belta. Se mi punge una qualche beltà.”

Lorenzo watched admiringly in silence. They drove back to the city and Rosario dropped off Lorenzo where he had parked his car. Before he got out of the car, he looked around and kissed Rosario.

“I love you, see you tomorrow.”

***

“Ciao Lorenzo When I got home I was still hard, I had wet trousers and I had to...calm down! And I’d say it’s your entire fault. Today was just amazing, just so beautiful; I've never known anything like it before. And every day I feel more and more drawn to you. Don’t worry about what we were talking about before; we’ll find some kind of solution. You have to know that although I love you dearly, I’m not IN love with you. I’m not ready, not ready for something as big as that. Rosario”

***

“Ciao Rosario,

I read your email and I’m getting all emotional, I can’t quite realize what is happening...I’m happy. I just want to hold you tight and tell you how much I love you... and I can’t understand how someone like you can be incapable of giving affection! I think you’re a wonderful person and you’ve shown me this lot of times...I want to tell you what happens to me when I look you straight in the eyes...what you manage to pass on to me in those moments...what I feel inside me when you caress my hands and legs! I can only think of you right now...I don’t know where you are or who you’re with...A great big wet kiss! Your Lorenzo xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx”

***

Two days later, Rosario was planning to go Trapani, after going first to Mazara and Marsala. He phoned Lorenzo to ask if he wanted to come with him, who answered yes straight away.

“Ok, but you’ll have to be ready at seven-thirty sharp, so we won’t have to rush to see my clients.”
“Don’t worry dear, I’ll be punctual.”

Part 7

At the appointed hour Rosario arrived on time and waited for a quarter of an hour. He phoned at Lorenzo, but his mobile was switched off. He wanted to call his home line but couldn’t in case his parents answered and he wouldn’t have known what to say. He was beginning to get angry. It was eight o’clock, and then it was half past past eight and Rosario, furious, decide that he couldn’t wait any more and set off. As soon as he had hit the motorway, his phone rang:

“Sorry, sorry, sorry I slept in but I’m coming.”

“Too late, I’m already on the motorway and can’t come back now.”
“Ok, well wait for me at the next junction and I’ll catch up and meet you there.”
“Fine, but hurry up.”

***

At nine o’clock he arrived, calm and smiling. He parked his car and got in Rosario’s as Rosario said grumpily:

“Come on let’s go, it’s late.”

Rosario could have murdered him but kissed him instead and they set off. When they were in the car together Rosario would caress Lorenzo’s legs and Lorenzo would do the same to Rosario’s hair, perhaps subconsciously seeking out the sensation of touching something that they themselves lacked. Just as Rosario had his own close friend Francesco, Lorenzo had a close relationship with his best friend, Tullio Chiazzese. Tullio was an architect and had known Lorenzo for a number of years and as Lorenzo was clear, they were very close. Never sexually, Tullio was 100% straight.
“Haven’t you ever wanted to tell Tullio?”
“Sure I’ve wanted to but I’m not brave enough. I’m

scared that telling him about me would push him away.” “Sorry but didn’t you say he was a real friend, if
he’s a real friend then he’ll understand and stand by you,
no? If he doesn’t, it means he’s not a real friend and you
haven’t lost anything. All my friends are real friends and
they all know about me. More importantly, they all treated
me exactly the same both before and after I told them.” “It’s easy for you to say. You’re in the situation
where everyone already knows, so there’s no issue, is
there?”
“I was your age too, you know? I had problems
telling other people but if you think, they accepted me for
what I was, and this was twenty years ago, when it was still
taboo to even talk about homosexuality. I think they’ll accept you with no problems now that it’s fashionable to be
gay!”
“Yeah but I think it’s still too early for me to deal
with all this. What’s worse is that in building my
smokescreen, I’ve acquired a reputation as a bit of a player and I couldn’t disappoint everyone one day with ‘Hey
guys, I’m Gay!’ Do you know what that would mean? One
time I asked a female friend of mine what she would say if I
told her I was gay. You know what she said? Who, you? I’d
never believe it; you’re far too boyish to be gay. I had
wanted to set her straight and tell her the truth but in the
end I just laughed and said that, yeah, she was probably
right. I think everything has it’s right time and that you can’t
just rush things.”
“Ok but what would happen, say, if you told your
friends and it ended up meaning that it ruined your relationships with them, in that case, would you choose me or
them?”
“Shit you can’t ask me questions like that, it’s not
fair,” and after a moment of silence he went on. “Anyway,
I’d choose you but it would be really painful to have to
abandon my friends. You know, Tullio has helped out with this guy’s house who’s really into Hi-Fi like you, and has
made a sound studio,” and he gave him a business card. “Oh. That’s interesting, why don’t you introduce
me? We could talk about this sort of thing.”
“Why do you want to meet him?”
“Why not? I introduced you to my friends.” “Under what pretence? Where should I say I met
you?”
“You can just say that you met when you heard me
talking in a shop about stereos and you thought I should
talk to him.”
“No, it’s too complicated. He’s very clever at understanding people with sly questions. Let me think about it
and then we’ll talk again.”

***

The morning flew by and he was free of thoughts and calm. They didn’t have sex but were content with kisses and touches when they were in the car, between one city and the other. They were like two people in love. Lorenzo followed him to all his appointments and was introduced as a young friend wanting to learn the trade of a salesman, and no suspicions were raised. At lunchtime, they stopped at a trattoria and, as they were waiting for the food to arrive, discussed the morning’s appointments.

The trattoria was crowded and nearby sat two guys, also salesmen from the look of them. One was much older than the other, just like them. The elder was sitting facing away from them but they could see the younger one from the front. He was in his early thirties, tall with long, brown hair and he had a shapely, well-proportioned figure. He was wearing a dark-blue suit and a blue spotted tie over a light blue checked shirt. Rosario was catching glances of him as he was talking to Lorenzo, and the stranger noticed. The only one not to notice was Lorenzo, or so it seemed as he went on talking just the same.

As Rosario was listening to Lorenzo, he saw the man get up and walk towards the bathroom. As he arrived at the end of the corridor he turned and looked straight at Rosario. After doubting himself for a minute he interrupted Lorenzo to say: