First Bitten (18 page)

“
I’m looking forward to dinner,” I say, grasping for normality.

Jack smiles. “Yeah, me too.”

Actually that was a lie. I’m not looking forward to it at all.

Cal and Erin are coming. It’s the first time I’m going to meet Cal’s wife and the mother of his unborn child, and I can’t say I’m overjoyed at the prospect. I have her painted in my mind as being as scary as he is. Well, she’d have to be to put up with someone like Cal; either that or she’s a saint of some kind.

I know Cal was reluctant to bring Erin with him tonight and that’s because I’m here. I could tell from the way the conversation went that he had with Jack. I wasn’t meaning to listen in, honestly, but with this hearing of mine, it’s sometimes hard to tune out.

Cal doesn’t like me, and I mean he really doesn’t like me. He avoids me like the plague when he’s here during the day working, and makes no secret of his feelings about me. Mostly I just keep out of his way. I may not like him but they are his family and this is the place where he grew up, his home, and he should feel comfortable here. I’m only a visitor, not a permanent fixture, and I really need to remind myself of that, and regularly. I can’t get comfortable here.

From what I can tell – well, after asking Sol - Cal and Erin used to come around for dinner really regularly, before I arrived and disrupted everything, and I think this is Jack’s way of trying to inject some form of normality back into their lives.

I pick my coffee up, blow on it and take a sip. Jack’s being uncharacteristically quiet and it’s unnerving me.

“
Are you sure I can’t do anything to help.” I nod in the direction of the kitchen.

“
No, it’s all done, thanks love. Just the lamb to go in in a few minutes.”

I take another sip of my coffee and rest the rim of the cup against my lower lip.

“
Has Nathan ever told you he was in the army?” Jack says out of the blue.

He’s sussed me. My stomach ties into a thousand knots. I move the cup away from my mouth. “He did, well Sol did, and I asked Nathan about it.”

“
Yeah, Nate’s never been one to blow his own trumpet.” He smiles fondly to himself and takes a puff on his cigar. The smoke billows up into the air. “Did he tell you about all those people he saved?” he asks, holding his cigar between his teeth.

The knots tighten further. I put my cup down. “Briefly.”

“
He’s a hero, my boy. Eight people he saved. They were on duty, him and his best mate Craig. They were walking down the street through the market. Nate stopped to talk to some local kids, Craig kept on walking. There was a suicide bomber right there in the middle of the market, real close to Craig. Craig spotted him, knew something was wrong, but he was too late. The guy blew himself up for whatever godforsaken cause he thought he believed in. Craig was technically dead for a short while but Nate got him breathing again. Then he spent the next hour until help arrived searching through the rubble pulling people out. He saved eight people that day. One was a kid of about ten. His mother was dead, though. Nate tried to revive her, but it was too late.”

There’s a lump in my throat that won’t go down.

Jack flicks the ash from his cigar into the ashtray. “Forty-one people died in that blast. It would have been forty-nine if it wasn’t for Nate. But even though he saved those eight people, he still blames himself for the ones he couldn’t save, especially the boy’s mother. It’s one of his bigger regrets,” … pause ... “but not as big as the night he saved you.”

The skin on my face prickles. “Wh … what do you mean?” The words wobble out of my mouth.

He rubs his face. “He hates that he didn’t get there in time to save Carrie.” He pauses again, almost like he’s collecting his thoughts so as to say this just right. He looks directly into my eyes with his steely blue ones. “But mainly, he hates that he didn’t get there in time to save you.”

I touch my hand to my face and realise there’s a tear running down my face. I discreetly brush it away. “He did save me.” My voice sounds inept.

Jack shakes his head, gently. “No love, not in the way he wishes.”

I feel sick. Another tear rolls down my cheek. I don’t bother to wipe it away. “Why are you telling me this, Jack?”

“
Because I care about you. You’re lovely girl, you’re like one of my own now, and you’ve had to endure way more than anyone ever should in their lifetime, and I don’t want to see you get hurt again. I know Nathan. He’s a good boy but he can be hard. He doesn’t really get ... close to people. He can hurt them, a lot, without meaning to. It’s just his ... way.”

I stare at Jack, at a loss for words.

He stands up and stubs his half-smoked cigar out in the ashtray. “Best get the lamb in the oven or we’ll all be going hungry tonight.” He tries to give me a lasting smile, but it doesn’t work.

Jack knows I have feelings for Nathan and he’s telling me to quit now because Nathan would never be interested in me, because of what I am. He’s trying to save me the hurt and embarrassment. The mortification drenches me. Even though I already knew all of this, it still doesn’t make it hurt any less. I feel so stupid and pathetic, and weak.

I want to get up and leave but I can’t; I’m frozen to this chair. Pride has me stuck. Jack may be right about my feelings for Nathan but if I get up and leave, I’m just confirming to him that’s he is right, and I can’t do that. All I have left is plausible deniability.

So, instead, I sit here, torturing myself, desperately trying to hold onto my dignity, as I once again attempt to read my magazine.

But for a long time all I can manage to do is read the same sentence over and over.

Chapter 14

Instinct

“
Aww, Alex, you should have seen Sol when he dressed up as Kylie at our Halloween party last year. He wore the gold hot pants and everything. It was hilarious. And he could have easily passed for a woman.” Erin laughs heartily from her seat beside me, and reaches over and pinches Sol’s cheek as he sits adjacent to her at the end of the table. “He looked so gorgeous. I’m gonna bring the photos with me next time I come.”

“
Don’t you dare!” Sol warns, laughing.

“
You dressed as Kylie?” I lean forward to look down the table at Sol, raising a playful eyebrow.

He screws his face up. “I left it ‘til the last minute to get my costume and it was all the shop had left ... and anyway … ” he looks back to Erin, “it’s not my fault I’ve been blessed with great features.” He casts his hand over his face, and looks at me again and winks.

I laugh. He’s so cheeky.

“
Womanly features aren’t something you should brag about,” Nathan quips.

Sol pulls a face at him. Nathan grins smugly back. They’re like a pair of kids at times.

I rest back in my chair and look over at Nathan who’s sitting opposite me. “So what did you go as?”

He looks at me for a long second before answering, “A Viking.”

I smile, impressed with his choice. You can’t beat a burly Viking. But now all I have in my mind is a picture of Nathan dressed as a Viking. I mentally shake myself out of it.

“
Jack dressed as Frank Sinatra,” Erin says, pulling my attention to her. “Cal was Jack Sparrow and I was Catwoman, not that I could fit into that costume nowadays.” She juts out her lower lip, patting her heavily pregnant stomach.

“
Well, I still think you look lovely,” Cal says smiling at her.

“
Brown nose,” Sol jokes.

Erin playfully smacks Sol on the arm.

I can see the obvious connection between Erin and Cal, and for a fleeting moment I really envy what they have.

Erin has been a complete surprise, and for that matter, so has Cal. He’s actually being nice. Well, not yet to me directly, but he has made eye contact a few times and he did sort of smile in my general direction when he arrived, but I was standing next to Sol at the time, so he could have been smiling at him.

I’m guessing it’s Erin’s influence on him. She’s nice and very warm and friendly. I instantly liked her. She’s the type of person I would have been friends with in my old life. She's been incredibly friendly toward me from the offset, which must have been difficult for her knowing how Cal feels about me, which is a view I’m a hundred percent sure he will have aired to her. He’s not exactly one to keep his feelings secret.

I was expecting Erin to come in with an already inbuilt air of hostility toward me, wearing the same look of distaste as Cal does whenever he’s forced to be around me. I had painted her in my mind to be as abrasive as he is, but she is nothing like that at all.

The moment she walked through the door, she honed in on me straightaway, wearing a huge toothy smile, all dark brown eyes and long black hair swishing about. She practically oozed kindness and not the fake kind either. You know how some people just have a natural, genuine charm about them, well Erin has that. She reminds me of Carrie in that respect.

Carrie.

And as quickly as her name filters through my mind, so appears the familiar squeeze on my heart, the chill blanketing my skin, the sting of tears at the back of my eyes.

Carrie would have loved being here at this dinner, she would have loved all of them, and they would all have loved her.

I take a silent, deep breath and count to ten, forcing myself back to normal. Well, as normal as I can get.

I glance at Erin, then over at Cal. Visually, they look well suited, but their personalities are worlds apart. She’s warm and friendly. He’s cold and not so friendly.

All I can think is that Erin sees something in Cal that no one else sees, or he allows them to see, which has to be something good, right?

And because of how lovely and genuine a person Erin is, I have to consider the fact maybe Cal isn’t as bad a person as I thought, that my initial instinct could have been wrong. It’s not the first time I’ve been wrong about someone, take Eddie for instance.

It’s obviously just around me, or should I say with me, that Cal has issues, which is understandable.

I tune back into the conversation. Jack’s talking. He’s telling us about Dave, an old farming mate of his, who he ran into at Tesco's this morning. I stop listening again the moment I hear the word ‘fertiliser’.

I steal a quick glance at Nathan. His eyes are on Jack and he’s absentmindedly picking at the food left on his plate with his fork. He looks relaxed, happy, and incredibly handsome in only the way he can. Seriously, if anyone else dressed like Nathan does, people would be handing them money in the street. Still, my heart does a little flip-flop.

How is it that all the things that irritated me about him a week ago now have my body fizzing on sight? Sets my heart beating just that bit faster? Makes my head go light every moment he happens to cast a glance my way? Makes me want to blurt out every thought and feeling I’ve ever had for him as I throw myself begging into his arms?

Stop Alex. You have to stop these thoughts. Remember what Jack said to you a few hours ago. Just keep reminding yourself of that.

I did worry that Jack might tell Nathan I have feelings for him but so far he hasn’t, and I don’t think he will. I don’t think it’s his style.

I know Jack is only looking out for me, and I appreciate it, I really do, but it’s all so easier said than done. The second Nathan walked through the door a few hours ago, I was lost to him again, all my resolve gone, just like that. My brain seized up and left me to the mercy of my hormones. And all I want is to be around him despite the all-engulfing, infuriating, tangled way he always leaves me feeling.

Nathan looks at me unexpectedly, catching me staring. I quickly look away, focussing my attention onto Jack.

I know he’s still looking at me. I can feel his quizzical stare. I ignore the temptation to look back at him, pick up my glass and take a sip of my wine for something to do.

I put my glass back down on the table. Nathan shifts his position in his seat. His foot brushes against the bare skin on my leg under the table. Heat sears, almost painfully, up my leg. I wish I’d worn my jeans now, not my shorts. Did he do that on purpose? No, why would he? To get my attention for some reason, maybe?

I look at him.

He smiles and mouths, ‘Sorry.’

I smile back. It feels awkward and clumsy.

With shaky fingers, I pick my wine up again and take a big gulp, then another. It coats my insides like warm honey. But still, my leg is burning from his touch, it’s kindling, like wood crackling white.

Every single time Nathan touches me, I get that feeling of electricity sparking, and now I know I don’t feel like that because I’m a Vârcolac, I feel it because of him. It’s like all my feelings are imploding at once. Nathan’s touch can set off lightning bolts to strike under my skin. It’s exhausting, he’s burning me out. I’ve never in all my life had a reaction to anyone like I do him.

I know it’s just chemical. The intensity and level of my feelings probably do have something to do with the changes I’ve been through. My body is so screwed up it doesn’t know its left from its right anymore, which is why I know these feelings for Nathan will go as soon as I sort myself out.

Erin reaches over and picks up my plate, which is still bearing half the meal Jack made, and sits it atop her own empty plate.