First Thing I See (17 page)

                There had to be hundreds of different
vibrator choices alone, and then there was an entire side of the store
dedicated just to fetishes.  There were rubber suits, whips, chains, role play costumes,
inflatable dolls, rows upon rows of sex toys ranging from nipple clamps to
penis grips.   The whole store was just too much to take in at once.  The woman
that worked there looked like the thirties version of the girl next door and
was dressed in a catholic school uniform cut short enough so that her ass cheeks
actually showed without bending.

                I settled on a white lace bustier with
emerald green ribbon lacing through the top and skimpy white lace panties with
a hidden slit in the crotch for easy access and a G string in the back.  The
lingerie was displayed with a sexy lace garter belt and sheer white thigh high
stockings.  I added an emerald green garter and Shauna swore that the outfit
was sex kitten meets librarian.  We left the store $350 later, but I couldn’t
remember the last time I had giggled that much.

                Later that night I pulled open my end table drawer
to put away my purchases and saw the folder that Shauna had brought me when I
had first met Kennedy.  I had completely forgotten about her research, and the
events of late had made me curious to find out more about Kennedy’s past.  Even
my Dad had encouraged me to find out how Kennedy’s past had shaped him into the
man he had become. 

                I poured myself a glass of wine and set the
folder on the bed.  I wasn’t really betraying Kennedy if I did a little
research, was I?  My head told me I wasn’t, but for some reason my heart didn’t
agree.  I knew I had to find a way to get my head and heart on the same page,
and I wondered if the folder held some answers.  I took a few sips of my wine
and opened the folder hesitantly.  The first few articles were from social
pages and had pictures of Kennedy and different women.  Some of the pictures
were of Kennedy and Mikayla, others had pictures of women that I didn’t
recognize.  But all were beautiful and the photos made my stomach go sour.

                My attention caught on a picture of Kennedy
and an older woman that I had met at the benefit we attended for families of
victims in Chicago.  The picture was a few years old and the woman was younger,
but it was unmistakably her.  I remembered she had told me that she was glad
that Kennedy seemed happy and that Kelly would have been happy for him too. 
But Kennedy had never explained about Kelly so I scanned the article for an
answer.

               
Erica Preston and Kennedy Jenner attended
the fourth annual Families United charity event at Hotel Marimount.  Mr. Jenner
founded the organization to help cover the costs of treatment for surviving
family members of victims of violent crimes.  The organization was founded in
honor of Kelly Preston, Mr. Jenner’s high school sweetheart.  Ms. Preston
disappeared seven years ago, at the age of 15 while walking to a friend’s
home.  The police investigation determined Ms. Preston was taken into a car
against her will based upon blood found in an abandoned vehicle.  Ms. Preston’s
body was never recovered.  Families United provides assistance to families that
have difficulty resuming their life after surviving tragic events. 

                My heart stopped and shattered into a
million little pieces.   I clutched my chest in physical pain.  Kennedy.  The
man that I deeply love had loved and lost and my heart broke thinking of his
hurt.   I couldn’t bear the thought of what he must have gone through.  How it
must have had such a profound effect on his life that it was still such a big
part of him so many years later.  My beloved strong and unwavering Kennedy. 

                I saw more of the puzzle pieces fall into
place before my eyes.  He was scared of something happening to me.  He needed
to protect me.  He wasn’t having me watched because he didn’t trust me, it was
to protect me.  He had told me that from the beginning and I didn’t believe
him.    Dad was right, the past had made the man who he was today.  But why
didn’t he tell me?  It would have been so easy to just explain.  Did I even
give him a chance to explain?  I was such an idiot. 

                I was glad to see George back at work on
Wednesday, because I had decided the night before that I couldn’t wait until
Friday to see Kennedy.  I told George I needed to take a few days off for a
family emergency and booked a flight for that afternoon.  I rushed through the
morning of rescheduling appointments and taking care of things that had to be
done before I left.   I knew that it was risky to ask for time off when I had
only been there a few months, but George seemed understanding and I had already
decided that I was going whether I was allowed the time off or not.  Luckily,
it worked out and I still had a job when my flight landed at O’Hare late
Wednesday afternoon.

                I hadn’t told Kennedy I was coming, because
I wanted to surprise him.  The last ten days had been difficult for both of us
and I needed to see him in person.   I called him in his office when I got into
the taxi so that I could confirm where I was heading.  I was relieved when he
answered the phone so quickly. 

                “Is everything okay?”  I didn’t usually call
him in the middle of the day.

                His voice set me at ease.  “Yes, I’m just
having a busy day and wanted to hear your voice.”

                “I’m in a meeting right now.  But that is
good news.  Can we pick this up in an hour?”  It was evident that he had people
sitting around him, but I could tell he was smiling when he spoke.

                “Sure.  Have fun at your meeting.” 

                I dropped the phone into my bag and fidgeted
in my seat.  I was excited and hearing his voice made me feel tipsy, as if I
had been drinking all morning.   Twenty minutes later, I saw his building from a
distance and took out my mirror to freshen up my makeup while we sat in
traffic. 

                We pulled up and I felt like a little girl
waking up on Christmas morning and seeing the tree lined with presents
underneath.  I opened the door of the taxi and my gaze went to the front door. 
Mikayla was walking out from the building and caught me in her sight as instantaneously
as I had caught hers.  She gave me a knowing smile and I watched her laugh at
me from a distance.   

                I froze, unable to move either out of the
taxi or back in.  The impatient taxi driver interrupted my thoughts.  “Miss, I
can’t double park here so you are going to have to get out now.”  My brain was
trying to process what was happening.  Why was Mikayla leaving Kennedy’s
office?  Was she the appointment that he had to hang up on me for?  I suddenly
felt a wave of nausea come over me.  Mikayla stood in front of the building
watching me as I folded back into the taxi. 

                “Please take me back to the airport.”  My
heart was pounding and I was sure I was going to vomit in the taxi.  The
thought of Kennedy with Mikayla made me sick to my stomach and the inside of
the taxi was spinning.  I was dizzy.

                The driver shrugged and pulled away. 
“Whatever you want Miss, it’s your fare.”

                I didn’t cry the whole way back to New
York.  I just sat in my seat and went through the motions in a trance.  I was
numb.

***

                I thought Kennedy might come to New York
when I didn’t respond to his messages on Wednesday night, but he didn’t. 
Thursday I didn’t get out of bed all day.  My work had already given me the
days off, and I was in no condition to function and plan other people’s happy
events for them.  I knew I had to deal with Kennedy, but I didn’t feel strong
enough.  I hadn’t slept most of the night and woke myself up crying after two
hours when I finally did fall asleep.

                I was in and out of consciousness all day,
alternating between crying and feeling sorry for myself and being angry with
Kennedy.  I was still wearing the clothes I had wore to work the day before
when I answered the phone flashing Kennedy’s picture.

                “Hello.”  I was glad he had caught me when I
was angry instead of crying.  At least I could get away with some semblance of
my dignity.

                “Hey.  What happened last night?  I tried to
call you back after my appointment, but it kept going to voicemail.”

                “After your appointment?”  My voice was
getting loud already.  “How was your appointment anyway?” 

                “It was productive.  What’s going on Hope,
you sound upset?”  Upset didn’t quiet do enough to describe what I was
feeling.  Angry, betrayed, heartbroken, violent.

                “I saw your appointment Kennedy.”      

                “You saw Mark?”

                I laughed with sarcasm.  “Yeah right, Mark. 
I saw Mikayla leave your building.”

                “You are in Chicago?” 

                “I
was
in Chicago. And my timing was
perfect.  Mikayla and I had a conversation without words outside of your
building.  Then I realized I was a complete idiot and came back to New York.”

                “I don’t know what you think you saw, but I
haven’t seen Mikayla since the night we both saw her at the charity dinner.” 
His tone was curt, his anger evident.

                “I can’t do this anymore Kennedy.  I was so
worried that you didn’t trust me that I didn’t stop to think it was because you
couldn’t be trusted.  I thought I had it all figured out, but I was wrong.  
Dead wrong.”

                “I’ve never lied to you. “

                “No, you just leave things out.”   I slammed
my phone shut and turned the ringer off.  I couldn’t take talking to him
anymore.  I was so desperate that I would eventually start to believe what he
said over what was right before my eyes.   I didn’t want to be the fool who
gets taken advantage of.  I’d watched it happen in front of my eyes before and
I knew how much it hurt.

"You look like crap.”  Shauna stood with her hips
against my kitchen counter with her arms folded.  A position I had come to know
meant battle.  Once Shauna thought something needed to be done, nothing got in
her way.  I had once witnessed her convince a six foot ten player to admit he
had a drug problem to the coach because she was concerned for his safety.   The
player was suspended for four months and spent three in a rehab.  His admission
cost him more than two million dollars in fines.

                “Kennedy is not the only man out there.  You
are beautiful, smart and independent, now start acting like it.” 

                Hearing Kennedy’s name made me said.  I had
hoped that the last week was a bad dream and that he would come tell me I was
wrong and that he loved me, but I hadn’t heard from him after our last
conversation where I told him I knew he was cheating on me. 

                I couldn’t even cry anymore, I had no more
tears after four days of wallowing in my own self pity.  “I know you are right,
I think I just need some time.  It’s hard for me to accept the man I love is a
cheater.  It brings up such bad memories.  I saw it with my own eyes, but I
still don’t want to believe it’s true.”

                “Oh sweetie, I’m so sorry this happened to
you, but we need to get you out of here, get some fresh air.”

                An hour later we were bundled up and walking
along 6
^th
Avenue arm in arm.  Christmas had hit the city with a
vengeance.  There were trees and white twinkling lights everywhere.  Santas
appeared on every street corner shaking a bell while a pot hung patiently
waiting for the bustling crowds carrying packages to remember the Christmas
spirit.  Red velvet ropes with lines of families spread long and wide around
department stores offering elaborate holiday themed window displays.

                I watched as couples walked hand in hand
carrying gifts and packages.  A few brave men dragged Christmas trees down the
street.  It reminded me that I had planned to get a small tree next weekend
while Kennedy was in town and have him help me decorate it.    But now I didn’t
want to celebrate or decorate.  I just wanted to close my eyes and go back in
time and make it all okay again.

                I did my best to pretend our long walk did
me good, but Shauna could always see right through me.    She gave me a hug
when we reached my building and made me promise to meet her for drinks Tuesday
night. 

***

                Lauren was startled when she answered the
door for Tuesday night dinner.   In the fifteen years she had known him, she
had never seen Kennedy look anything other than impeccably groomed and
confident.  “What’s wrong?  Are you sick?  Is Hope okay?” 

                “I’m fine, Hope and I broke up and I don’t
want to talk about it.”  Kennedy hadn’t shaved in three days.  He wore sweatpants
and a thermal, rather than his normal crisp, expensive business suit.  His blue
eyes were rimmed with dark circles and his normally deep olive skin was sallow.

                She glanced at Franklin with concern and
gave Kennedy a hug.  “I’m sorry honey.”

                After dinner, Franklin and Kennedy normally
sat on the deck for a drink together, but Franklin volunteered to clean up
giving Lauren a silent look that she understood.  “I’ll clean up tonight
sweetheart, you had a long week, why don’t you go relax and have an after dinner
drink with Kennedy and I’ll put the kids to sleep.”

                Outside on the deck was cold in the December
air, but Kennedy didn’t feel it.  Lauren brought Kennedy his usual drink and
poured herself an Amaretto to keep warm.  “Do I look that bad that he sent in
the big guns?”  Kennedy took a big gulp from his tumbler and set it down on the
end table next to the glider he sat in alone.