First Thing I See (14 page)

               Dad had purposely picked a cemetery that I
could walk to, since I was so young when she died.  It was a long walk, but I
had grown to enjoy it and never taken a car even after I learned to drive.   Kennedy
was dressed and ready when I got out of the shower.  “I hope you don’t mind,
but I like to walk to the cemetery.  It’s not a bad walk and I find it soothing
on the way home.”

               “Not at all, you get ready and I’ll meet you
downstairs in a little while.”  He kissed my forehead and squeezed my shoulders
before walking away.

               It only takes Kennedy fifteen minutes to get
ready and look like he walked off the cover of a magazine, but it took me at
least an hour.  I straightened my hair and put on light makeup.  I chose a long
flowing sand colored skirt with tall brown distressed leather boots.  A cream
tank top with a shaggy long fringed sweater and hoop earrings completed my
so-ho gypsy look of the day.

               I went downstairs and found Kennedy sitting
on the porch with Dad.  He had a beautiful bouquet of wildflowers that were
tied up simply in natural cord.  I knew they had to come from Gerlick Flowers
just from looking at them.  Gerlick was more of an artist than a florist, and I
often went there to get flowers to bring to mom.  If I had been in the store,
those are the exact flowers I would have picked.

               Dad stood and gave me a tight hug.  Then he
gave Kennedy a quick nod and put his hand on Kennedy’s shoulder before walking
away.  Another unspoken exchange.

***

               We walked to the cemetery hand in hand and
Kennedy carried the flowers.   We talked and laughed and recounted the last few
days in Florence.  “I think my step sisters have a crush on you.” 

               He laughed.       

               “Have women always thrown themselves at you?
“

               “Do you want an honest answer?”

               “I’m not sure, do I?”  I winced at the
thought.

               “It was great when I was young and stupid. 
But it gets old pretty fast.”

               “Aww….poor little rich pretty boy… sounds
tough.”   I did my best fake sad face to feign understanding at the difficult
time he must have had.

               “Keep it up and I’ll put you over my knee
with that attitude.  And I’ll enjoy every fucking minute of it.”

               “You wouldn’t dare.”

                He arched one eyebrow and smirked.  “Try
me.  I’ve spent three days next to you and kept my hands to myself out of
respect to your father.  So you are already in trouble when we are finally
alone.  I’d love to spank that heart shaped ass of yours until it turns bright
red.”

               I flushed.  Jesus.    The man can make my
panties wet on the way to a cemetery!  What the hell is wrong with me! 

               I bit my bottom lip to try to push the thought
of his smacking my ass out of my head.  It didn’t work. 

               Kennedy gave me a devious smile and shook his
head.  “I can’t wait to get you alone.”

***

               We visited my Mom’s grave for a while.  Dad
had a bench placed in front of her headstone years ago, so that I could sit and
talk to her.  It was odd to share the bench with anyone.   For years, I would
sit and talk to Mom, telling her about what was going on in my life. 
Sometimes, when things got bad with Candace, I would cry and tell her how much
I needed her and missed her.

               “When she first died, I would come here and
cry all the time.  I didn’t really know what to do when I visited.  Then, as I
got older, I would come here and tell her about my day or what was going on in
my life.  Sometimes I would cry and tell her it wasn’t fair that I didn’t have
her anymore.  Then, one day, I came for a visit and there was a funeral going
on next to her stone.  I watched from a distance as they lowered the small
casket into the ground.  It was a child.  I came back a few weeks later and saw
the headstone.”  I motioned at the headstone to my left.  “Lilly was only 12
when she died and I watched her mother lay her to rest.  After that, I came and
told mom about my day, but I didn’t complain or cry anymore.  At least she got
to live 35 years and have a child.  Poor Lilly made me realize I needed to
appreciate the time I had with her and stop living in the past in honor of Mom’s
death.”

               Kennedy didn’t say anything.  He put his arms
around me and held me close and kissed the top of my head.  When I stood and
took his hand to leave, I watched as he opened the cord on the flowers and laid
half at my Mom’s headstone and the other half at Lilly’s.   He didn’t know that
I’d done the same thing a hundred times before. 

***

               We said goodbye and I promised to call next
weekend.  Dad reminded me that he was going to Connecticut for a conference in
a few weeks and told me that he would love to see my apartment.  He squeezed me
into a bear hug and spun me around.  I smiled and pretended I thought I was too
old for him to still do that, but I actually loved it and he knew it.  Kennedy
and Dad shook hands.  “You take good care of my baby girl.”

               Kennedy nodded.  “I will.”

               “Candy says to tell you that she’s sorry she
got caught in traffic and won’t get to say goodbye in person.”  I knew that
Candace had purposely gone out to the stores a few hours ago and not come back
in time to say good bye.   But I was glad she at least made an excuse up so
that Dad didn’t feel bad.

               Kennedy was quiet the trip back to Chicago. 
I had a connecting flight to New York an hour later and I was secretly hoping
that he would insist that I change my flight to Sunday, so we could spend the
night together alone.  He didn’t.  We sat together as I waited for my flight to
get called for boarding, and he kissed me and held me tight before I boarded. 
I was a little disappointed, but I figured that he probably had a lot of work
to do and I tried not to let my mind wander.

***

               Kennedy woke in a cold sweat, his chest
heaving with breath stolen by terror.   He hadn’t had the dream in four years. 
Why were they starting again?  It took years of therapy for him to stop
replaying the day Kelly disappeared in his dreams.  He couldn’t go through it
all again.  Not now.  Not when he had found Hope.  Hadn’t ten years of living
the same nightmare over and over been enough torture for his sins?  He never
remembered the beginning of the nightmare, but always woke up at the same part.

               Kelly Preston had been his first love.  They
were 14 when they met.  She was in his English class and he stared at her for a
month before he asked her out.  She had long blonde hair and drew pictures of angels
flying over rainbows during class instead of taking notes.  Her art was amazing
and she couldn’t focus when she had a picture in her head until she let it out
on paper. 

               He asked her to the 9
^th
grade
dance in October and they were inseparable for the next 13 months.  Every day after
school they would walk hand in hand to the park.  He would push her on the
swing and she would jump off and fly through the air when she got high enough
to launch herself.  They spent hours every day sitting in the grass under the
big oak tree and doing their homework until the sun set. 

               The summer of 9
^th
grade she let
him get to third base.  By the beginning of 10
^th
grade, Kennedy was
already almost six feet tall and captain of the football and crew teams.  Girls
were starting to notice him.  Kelly didn’t like all the attention that he was
getting and blamed him for encouraging the attention. 

               One afternoon, Kennedy was talking to Amber
Maloney out on the field after football practice.  He was dressed in his
football uniform and Amber was dressed in her cheerleading uniform.   He knew
Amber liked him and she was a tease.  They stood on the field and flirted for
ten minutes after all the other players headed into the locker room.    He
didn’t know that Kelly had come to meet him after practice and was watching
them alone on the field from the bleachers.

               Kelly ran home crying without letting him
know she was there.  But one of Kennedy’s teammates saw her running from the
field and told him she left crying.  He went straight to her house after school,
but Kelly’s mom had told him that he needed to leave her alone, give her some
space.  She was upset with him and went to spend the night at her best friend
Julia’s house down the road.

               Kennedy didn’t go after Kelly.  He listened
to her mom and gave her some space because he felt guilty for making her upset
again.  He thought he would talk to her the next day, after she got it out of
her system complaining about him to Julia.    But Kelly never made it to
Julia’s house.  No one knew that she was missing until the next morning when
Kennedy went to Julia’s to apologize.  Julia hadn’t even known that Kelly was
planning on coming over until Kennedy told her the next day.

               At first, the entire town searched day and
night for her.  Witnesses had seen a girl with her description get into a car
with an older white man.  Someone had even been able to recall the type of car
and some of the letters on the license plate.  A week later the car was found,
but no one was in it.  They had found Julia’s DNA in the car, and signs of a
struggle.   But after the car, the trail went cold. 

               The police spent six months working day and
night on the case.  Kennedy’s family hired private investigators and brought in
the best trackers in the country.  They posted a large reward for information
leading to Kelly’s return.  The reward uncovered all types of new leads, and
all of them were tracked down.  None led to Kelly.

               On the five year anniversary of her
disappearance, her family held a memorial service and the police moved her case
from active to cold.  Kennedy kept a full time private investigator on the case
for five years after that.

               His dream always ended the same.

               Kelly was screaming and banging on the glass
in the back of a car as it sped away.   Kennedy was standing with Amber
watching it pull away.

***

               The next morning, Kennedy called Dr.
Andrews.  He hadn’t spoken to his psychiatrist in more than four years, but he
answered his call on the emergency number in two rings on a Sunday morning. 
“Dr. Andrews, it’s Kennedy Jenner.  I need to see you.” 

               Dr. Andrews was out of town but they spoke on
the phone for almost an hour and half and Kennedy told him about Hope and his
nightmare.  Then they made an appointment for Tuesday morning.

***

                               Shauna and I met at the
salon for an afternoon of mani pedis before we headed to our favorite Greek
restaurant.  I couldn’t wait to tell her about Thanksgiving back in Florence. 
“But I’m scared Shauna, I’m crazy in love with him, and sometimes I feel like
he feels the same way….then other times I feel like we are on other sides of
the Grand Canyon, even though he is sitting right next to me.”

               “Maybe he is scared too.”  Shauna closed her
eyes and settled into the massage chair as the pedicurist painted her toes
blood red.

               “Have you met the man?  He isn’t scared of
anything.” 

               “Everyone is scared of something Hope.  Why
do you think he is such a successful business man?  Because he doesn’t show
fear.  But not showing fear and not having fear are two different things.  You
might be the man’s kryptonite.  I see the way he looks at you.   That man loves
you and you are probably the only one that isn’t sure of it.”

               I sighed.  “I hope you’re right, because if
he dumps me, you’ll be the one eating ice cream out of the carton and watching
depressing movies with me for three months.”

***

               Sunday night Kennedy called.  We talked for a
little while but he was quiet again.  Too quiet.  After we hung up I found
myself feeling desperate and began analyzing the weekend I had thought went
well over and over in my head.  Did he think I was weak for putting up with
Candace’s behavior?  Was I delusional to think he was falling in love with me
too?  How could I feel like he loved me one minute and that he is going to
leave me the next?  Maybe he felt badly about breaking up with me so quickly
after I took him to meet my family and he was just going through the motions
now to put some time between our trip and ending things. 

               Ugh! What am I doing?  I had to force myself
to stop thinking those thoughts.  I turned the lights off to try to find
sleep.  I lied there for almost two more hours in the dark and finally fell asleep
exhausted from fighting my own thoughts.

***

               By midday Monday my nerves were getting the
best of me.  I hadn’t slept well and too much caffeine had me on edge.  I was
glad that I had appointments all afternoon to keep me busy; it made the
afternoon go by fairly quickly, although I kept my cell near me all afternoon
hoping I would hear from Kennedy for no particular reason.  He didn’t call
until late that night and our conversation was benign and short.  I tried to
dismiss the empty feeling I had by convincing myself he was busy with work
after being away for so many days with me.  But our conversation felt awkward
and left me feeling like he called me just to be nice.  The tone of his voice
was almost somber, and I was convinced that we were headed down a path that would
end with me shattered into a million little pieces.