Following My Toes (30 page)

He shrugs his shoulders. “Actually, he was watching football. Some important game between the Vikings and the Packers. The Packers won.”

At this she laughs even harder, collapsing against him. He is joining in, laughing as well. “I suppose that explains why I never have liked sports...” he says, as their laughing increases in pitch and volume, “or carrots.”

You sit at the bar, torn between jealousy and relief. At least someone has gotten past the wall your friend has erected, even if that someone wasn’t you. And you finally know about his father’s death. All he ever told you was it had been sudden and awful, but due to people’s reactions, he didn’t want to talk about it. But he could tell her, and what’s more, they could laugh about it.

* * *

How did I miss their connection for so long? I shook my head as if to rid it of all the unwanted thoughts, and began to wipe the already clean counter. I looked up as the door opened. In walked Glenn.

My stomach tightened and my shoulders stiffened. I told myself that after what I’d been through the night before I had no reason to be scared of Glenn. But I wasn’t entirely convinced. I heard once that if you can’t be brave, then the bravest thing you can do is pretend to be. I decided to make a valid try.

“Hey, Glenn,” I said, concentrating on keeping my voice low instead of high and squeaky. “Did you want a latte’?” It was the first time I saw her since she tripped me, and though it was inevitable we would face each other again, knowing this did not make the encounter any easier—especially since I slept with her boyfriend in the meantime. I wondered if she knew.

“Sure. Thanks.” Amazed there was no snide comment attached, I turned to make her drink. Despite my fatigue, I achieved the perfect amount of foam. I tried not to let my face betray my pride as I set her drink down in front of her, but it didn’t matter. She wasn’t paying the least bit of attention to me or to the drink. Then I noticed she was crying.

“Is everything okay, Glenn?”

She was looking off into the distance, but with my question her head snapped around, and her sad expression turned into a malicious one.

“Like you don’t know,” she said.

I am such an idiot. Given how much Glenn hates me, I should never have acknowledged her having a weak moment. But it was too late, and I had to ask.

“What don’t I know?”

“Ethan.”

My face grew red at the mere mention of his name. “I... I, um, sorry Glenn, but, um, what about Ethan?” I stuttered my question, my face growing hotter by the second. She must have noticed my cheeks were now the color of a lobster, because her eyes narrowed into her slits as she raised one eyebrow. (It was actually sort of a cool trick, an expression I tried to mimic later on in the mirror. But I looked like a drunk stroke victim, instead of off-putting and detached like Glenn did.)

“He told me last night. Apparently he’s ‘content but not satisfied,’ and he’s taking your advice to sell his shop and travel the world.”

“What? My advice?”

“He told me all about your date several weeks ago. That you encouraged him to take a step back from life in order to gain perspective, or some crap like that. I don’t know. But he’s leaving. That much is clear.”

“Oh.” I didn’t know what to say. I barely remembered saying those words to Ethan.

“Tell me something, Faith. How is it that you managed to ruin my life so completely is such a short amount of time? I’d like to know.”

“I ruined your life? Glenn, believe me, even if I wanted to ruin your life, which I don’t, but even if I did, I’m not nearly that powerful.”

“You turned Ethan against me. You turned my mother against me.”

“What? No.” Is that really what she thought?

“Everything was fine until you came along.”

“Glenn, forgive me, but I don’t think so.”

“Yes, it was.”

“But your mom told me about, you know…” I spoke without thinking. My exhaustion made me reckless. What was the difference anyway? “…about you and Ethan. How he treated you so terribly. And I can kind of understand still liking him, I mean, there is definitely something about him. But I don’t think you can blame the downfall of your relationship on me.”

“What exactly did my mom tell you?” Her voice was softer than I ever heard it. It almost made me trust her for a moment.

Delicately, I asked her. “Are you sure you want me to say?”

Her voice returned to its normal, harsh tone. “Oh, you’re gonna say. Tell me what she told you.”

I took a deep breath. “You know, about how he wanted you to have an abortion, and left you when you wouldn’t.”

Then she laughed. “If you believe that, then you are as naive as my mother is.”

“Why? What do you mean?” I asked, but she laughed again and shook her head. I threw down my sponge, not caring if my words made her angry or not. “I’m naive and I’m your enemy? Those are two rather large yet contradictory accusations for one morning.”

She continued laughing. “I didn’t say you’re my enemy. I said you’ve ruined my life. What makes it even worse is that it was un-intentional. If you actually had a mean bone in your body, well, at least I could respect you. But you don’t. So I figure my best revenge is to make you feel guilty.”

I grew indignant. “Guilty? Why would I feel guilty? I don’t even like you.”

“I’m heartbroken.” She took another swig of her coffee. This time there was no foam to wipe away. “But you will feel guilty. I know, because I used to be like you. I used to internalize everything. Then I grew up, and I decided to make other people pay, rather than paying myself.” She got off her stool and wiped invisible dust particles off her sleek black outfit. “Which is why I will always be one step ahead of you. You may have unintentionally ruined my life, but at least I don’t leave myself open. I’ll rebound quick, and you’ll still be obsessing, still wondering what you did wrong. That is, until the next Ethan comes along, uses you, and leaves.”

And with that, she made her exit. She was right. Never in a mil-lion years could I pull off a speech like that, which was testament to every point she had been making. But somehow, I was too tired to care. I was sure I’d start internalizing tomorrow, but for right then, I continued to wipe microscopic crumbs off the counter and stare at the clock. All I wanted was to go home.

The minutes crept by. A few customers came in, and I served them coffee and pastries. I went through the motions of being a cof-fee shop worker, anonymous, without a history or a life that extends beyond the counter I was standing behind. Maybe if I truly believed that, it would come true, just like in a Disney movie. Sort of. Only without the prince and the happy ending.

Finally my shift ended and I could go home. By this time my eyes were clouded over, and I was not watching where I was going as I made the short trek back to my apartment. So I didn’t notice the abandoned skateboard resting on the sidewalk before I tripped over it. This time I didn’t fall backwards, but forwards. The wheels on the board gave my fall an added momentum, which is why when my head hit the ground, everything went black.

Chapter 24

Being in a life-threatening situation is not all it’s cracked up to be. I dare say I’ve seen too many movies that glamorize being at death’s door and have built up some sort of expectation as to what it should be like. You know, all of the people who hurt me come running frantically to my bedside, desperately praying that I pull through so they can right all of the wrongs they have done to me. It would have been quite a crowd at my bedside: definitely Peter and Lacey, as well as Margaret, Missy, and even Glenn, for good measure. And of course, Ethan would be there as well.

But unfortunately, none of them were by my side because none of them even knew about my horrific head injury. Margaret and Missy turned the ringer off on the phone and the volume down on the answering machine so they could get some sleep after the night before. Caroline, my emergency-contact, was still on vacation with Charles. Peter was on his way back to
Duluth
to tend to Lacey. And Ethan was getting ready to travel the world.

And how did I know all of this, as I lay unconscious in my hospital bed? Well, if ever there has been doubt about my psychic abilities, this certainly clears things up. Being on the brink of death brought my abilities to a new level. The knock on my head corrected whatever problem there had been and my powers were back. I became downright omniscient! But was it worth it? My head hurt like a cow in labor, and I was very frustrated that while I finally could see things clearly, I couldn’t do anything about them. I saw everyone in my mind’s eye, all of these people who had composed my world in the last few months or years, and suddenly I knew what I wanted to tell them.

Carolyn was walking the streets of Winnepeg with Charles, laughing at a joke he just told, although he was still uncertain about whether or not he could trust her. But she took his arm and pressed herself against him, trying to diffuse all his doubts with her touch. And I wanted to thank her for teaching me that love doesn’t have to be perfect to be worthwhile.

Margaret and Missy were lying together in the same bed, although they were not touching. Margaret woke up, raised her head, and looked at Missy. She saw her for everything she is, flaws included. And although she was not clear on how to define their relationship, she was not afraid of Missy’s loneliness. She could see the good in her too, and was brave enough to remain open to all the possibilities. And I hoped she knew how much I respected her at that moment.

Glenn was working out at the gym. With every move, every breath, she grew stronger. She wasn’t exaggerating when she said she would move on quickly, she was already beginning to leave thoughts of Ethan, and me, behind. And even though I didn’t like her, I began to admire her.

Peter was in his car, driving away from me, back to Lacey. It was her he was thinking of, her he has chosen, and it is the right choice. I guess I’d known that for a long time, yet I was unwilling to accept it. But now, somehow, it didn’t hurt anymore—perhaps the agony caused by my head injury was so bad it blocked out all other forms of pain. But when I looked at Peter, I felt something that resembled forgiveness.

If love is blind, then friendship has vision. Perhaps there are exceptions to this rule, but Peter and I are not one of them. I knew nothing when I fell in love with Peter, but now my eyes are open. If only I could find a way to garner my newfound wisdom, maybe I’d be ready for a healthy relationship. Why is it that we experience clarity when it is too late?

“Okay, Faith, the x-rays do not indicate any internal bleeding, so we believe you are good to go. Is there anyone who can come take you home?”

The doctor at the emergency room declared my healthy state of being as I sat on the examining table, pondering over whom I could possibly call. So, maybe I was being a little melodramatic and misleading when I indicated my situation was life-threatening. But you see, when I fell, I did actually pass out. Somebody on the street did actually find me and call an ambulance. I was then rushed to the hospital, where they did x-rays on my head to make sure I didn’t have a concussion, or some such injury.

Luckily though, it seemed my passing out was due to fatigue as much as anything else. But I did have a terrible headache, and the whole life/death trauma thing really did bring me clarity, so I wasn’t exaggerating too much.

“Faith?” The doctor implored, demanding my attention. “We can’t let you go unless there is someone who can come and get you. For the next twenty-four hours you need rest, and supervision. That way if you start to feel worse, you can be brought back in.”

“Okay.”

“I understand there has been no answer at your home phone or from your emergency contact. Why don’t you have a seat in the waiting room, where you can keep trying those numbers, or different ones. Let us know when someone has arrived to take you home, and I will sign your release papers.” With that, the doctor ushered me out into the waiting room.

I was beyond caring about anyone or anything. And, despite the aforementioned clarity of which I spoke, I couldn’t help but be pissed off at Margaret and Missy for not answering the phone. I couldn’t think of anyone else to call. My parents were hours away, and there was no point in freaking them out by calling them from the hospital. But I didn’t even have anyone else’s phone number memorized. If I could’ve simply taken a taxi home, then I would have, even though I would be leaving against the hospital’s advice. But the staff certainly wasn’t going to call one for me, and I had forgotten to charge my cell. Besides, all I had in my purse were my keys and a five-dollar bill—definitely not enough to pay for a cab.

“Can I get you anything while you wait?” A young woman in a candy striper uniform approached me.

“Something to eat?” I realized I hadn’t eaten for hours and was suddenly very hungry.

“Oh. We don’t have any food to give out, but there is a cafeteria downstairs. Or vending machines. But I don’t recommend either.”

“Yeah, well seeing as how I’m stuck here, my options are some-what limited.”

“Don’t you have anyone you can call? A boyfriend or some-thing?”

I heard the pity in her voice, and my eyes took this girl in for the first time. She was blond, tan, and doll-like: the sort of girl who in high school always had a boyfriend, and laughed at the other girls who didn’t.